how much you gonna pay me? huh? i'd be doing your job.
okay, billings. five thousand. that's enough. five thousand dollars. i'll give him the deluxe mental hospital tour.
kid around, kid around. it makes them feel good, we're all pals. we're prisoners, they're the guards, but it's all in good fun, you see?
here's the games. games vegitize you. if you play the games, you're voluntarily taking a tranquilizer.
what'd they give you? thorazine? how much? learn your drugs -- know your doses.
a telephone call? that's communication with the outside world! doctor's discretion. hey, if alla these nuts could just make phone calls, it could spread. insanity oozing through telephone cables, oozing into the ears of all those poor sane people, infecting them! whackos everywhere! a plague of madness. in fact, very few of us here are actually mentally ill. i'm not saying you're not mentally ill, for all i know you're crazy as a loon. but that's not why you're here. why you're here is because of the system, because of the economy. there's the tv. it's all right there. commercials. we are not productive anymore, they don't need us to make things anymore, it's all automated. what are we for then? we're consumers. okay, buy a lot of stuff, you're a good citizen. but if you don't buy a lot of stuff, you know what? you're mentally ill! that's a fact! if you don't buy things. toilet paper, new cars, computerized blenders, electrically operated sexual devices.
so if you want to watch a particular program, say "all my children" or something, you go to the charge nurse and tell her what day and time the show you want to see is on. but you have to tell her before the show is scheduled to be on. there was this one guy who was always requesting shows that had already played. he couldn't quite grasp the idea that the charge nurse couldn't just make it be yesterday for him, turn back time ha ha. what a fruitcake!!
seriously, more and more people are being defined now as mentally ill. why? because they're not consuming on their own. but as patients, they becone consumers of mental health care. and this gives the so-called sane people work! whooo! shock therapy! group therapy! hallucinations! therapeutic drugs! iggidy diggidy dig! perfect! the
right! right! carried away, heh heh. i got "carried away". explaining the workings of. the institution.
this is tj washington, jim -- he doesn't really come from outer space.
staff! whoo! time for staff. now the geniuses cure you. hallelujah!
you think you can remove the grill but you can't. it's welded.
see? i toldja. and all the doors are locked, too. they're protecting the people on the outside from us. but the people outside are as crazy as us.
you know what "crazy" is? "crazy" is "majority rules". take germs for example.
in the 18th century there was no such thing! nobody'd ever imagined such a thing -- no sane person anyway. along comes this doctor. semmelweiss, i think. he tries to convince people.  other doctors mostly. that there are these teeny tiny invisible "bad things" called germs that get into your body and make you. sick! he's trying to get doctors to wash their hands. what is this guy. crazy? teeny tiny invisible whaddayou call 'em?"germs"!
"what about the germs?" i say. he goes, "i don't believe in germs. germs are just a plot they made up so they can sell you disinfectants and soap!" now, he's crazy, right? hey, you believe in germs, don't you?
of course not, i never thought you were. you want to escape, right? that's very sane. i can help you. you want me to, don't you? get you out?
why don't i escape, that's what you were going to ask me, right? 'cause i'd be crazy to escape! i'm all taken care of, see? i've sent out word.
i've managed to contact certain underlings, evil spirits, secretaries of secretaries, and assorted minions, who will contact my father. when he learns i'm in this kind of place, he'll have them transfer me to one of those classy joints where they treat you. properly. like a guest! like a person! sheets! towels! like a big hotel with great drugs
sorry. really sorry. got a little agitated. the thought of escaping crossed my mind and suddenly. suddenly i felt like bending the fucking bars back, ripping off the goddamn window frames and. eating them, yes, eating them, and leaping, leaping.
you dumb assholes! i'm a mental patient! i'm supposed to act out. wait til you morons find out who i am. my father's gonna be really upset. and when my father gets upset, the ground shakes! my father is god! i worship my father.
not as bad as what they're doing to kitty.
wiping cut the human race! that's a great idea! but it's more of a long term thing -- right now we have to focus on more immediate goals. i didn't say a word about "you know what".
you know -- your plan.
what're you writing? you a reporter?
a lawsuit? you going to sue them?
get it? monk - key. monk! key!
wooooo, they really dosed you, bro. major load! listen up -- try and get it together. focus! focus! the plan! remember? i did my part.
not, "what", babe! when!
now!
yes -- now! buy now! stocks and bonds!
yes, yes. enhance your portfolio now!
buy! sell! seize the opportunity!
opportunity! definitely! a window of opportunity! opening now! now's the time for all good men to seize the moment! yes! yes! mastercard! visa! the key to happiness!
seize the moment! get rich! now's the time! go for it!
last chance! last chance! hey -- ow!
what are you talking about? what friend? i'm not expecting anyone.
this is ridiculous. my father is making a major address.
never saw him before in my life. go ahead and shoot him or torture him or whatever it is you do.
that would be totally out of character. helping people is against my principles. see, he definitely doesn't know me. now, i'm going to go back and listen to my father's very eloquent discourse on the perils of science while you torture this
excuse me -- what did you say?
arnold. arnold.
my god, arnie, what's happened to you? you look like shit
of course i know him. what do you think -- i act like this to strangers? listen -- you fellas are terrific. i thought you were pulling a number on me. what a terrible thing if you'd thrown old arnie out. i owe you guys the big apologia! mea culpa, fellas. christ, arnie, it's black tie! i mean, i said, "drop by," but, like, this is dad's big "do". vips, senators, secret service, and. and everything.
arnold pettibone. old arnie pettibone. used to be my best friend. still is. what've you lost, arnie -- forty pounds? no wonder i didn't know you. you hungry? lots of dead cow, dead lamb, dead pig. real killer feast we're putting on tonight.
hey, nice ta see ya. lookin' good! hi, there. yes, it has been a long time.
county hospital, right? 1989. the "immaculate escape" -- am i right? why, thank you -- you look wonderful, too.
we need to talk. come on. upstairs. i am a new person! i'm completely adjusted. witness the tux. it's armani. who chattered? goines? weller?
come on, follow me. you don't lock so good.
i get it! this is your old plan, right?
remember? we were in the dayroom, watching tv, and you were all upset about the. desecration of the planet. and you said to me, "wouldn't it be great if there was a germ or a virus that could wipe out mankind and leave the plants and animals just as they are?" you do remember that, don't you?
and that's when i told you my father was this famous virologist and you said, "hey, he could make a germ and we could steal it!"
you're right! absolutely right. me's a nut case, totally deranged. delusional! paranoid. his processor's all fucked up, his information tray is jammed.
you know what it is, the "army of the twelve monkeys"? it's a collection of
whine, whine, whine. what about walkie talkies? we used to have walkie talkies.
you get the bolt cutters?
you really want to know?
ex-psychiatrist! now, what about flashlights? how many flashlights?
here's my theory on that. while i was institutionalized, my brain was studied exhaustively in the guise of mental health. i was interrogated, x-rayed, studied thoroughly. then, everything about me was entered into a computer where they created a model of my mind.
now i have to get going -- do my part. you guys check all this stuff out and load up the van. make sure you have everything. i'm outta here.
let's do it!
okay, that's stage one. in stage two, monkey four is over here.
ah, but cruelty is his specialty.
want the full effect?
what. virus?
what virus are we talking about, dad?
you "develop" viruses and you're calling me insane? typical. what does this virus attack? don't tell me, you sick fuck, it doesn't matter. have i ever "developed" a virus? do i put helpless animals in cages and measure their reactions to electrical stimuli? do i inject radioactive substances into living creatures and examine their bowel movements? wow! and i'm crazy!
this is a fucking experiment! you're our helpless little test animal, daddy. got that? now -- what fucking virus have you come up with, you demented fucking maniac?