just warming up, coach.
that's the plan coach.
hold on. ed's not here yet.
and you suck, dom, but we're letting you in the picture.
ed, i can't help you with the girls if you keep showing up places dressed like the cookie crisp guy. okay? dude, don't look now but i think muffy campanella is scopin' you hard.
smile, pud.
my bad.
who's that stone cold fox? oh, it's my girlfriend. i'm glad you're here, scar. this whole scout thing's got me wicked nervous.
way you shoot that might be mid- season! everything cool?
excellent. gotta run.
what's wrong?
scar! wait.
what are you doing now?
then why are you letting her stick needles in you?
i better be. i've invested 18 years of my life in that miserable company.
a winner doesn't have to crash at his best friend's house because he was kicked out of his own house.
thanks, wendy. that like totally means so much to me.
how could you do this to me? i've been a salesman here 18 years. wendy's only been here 2 months!?
you can give me the promotion, roger!
alex?
3, 2, 1-
the kid's still got it.
ooooh. that was stupid.
i do. me. i'm in the center there.
what are you talking about? (lost in the picture
that'll be my epitaph.
why's it have to be that way?
how did you know.
hey, guys. i was just talking to-
never mind. sorry i'm late. you ready to get some dinner then?
tweaked my back pumping iron. really, really heavy iron.
i bet your chompin' at the bit for hoop season to start.
that's my boy. remember, it's not how big you are-
and what about you, mags? what's new?
you did!? that's fantastic!
it's a huge deal. that's a great university. i'm proud of you. am i missing something here?
try me.
that's not stress. wait `til you get out into the real world, get a crappy job, have some smarmy twerp- boss calling you bro-ski.
still waiting to hear.
is your mom home?
hey, next week we'll have a barbecue at uncle ed's. sound good?
what's with her?
bite me, dom.
a little late for a delivery isn't it?
doesn't he live 30 miles from here?
come on. he's been after you since 10th grade and he's after you now.
`in touch with the ground, i'm on the hunt i'm after you.'
`smell like i sound, i'm lost in a crowd, and i'm hungry like the wolf.'
`mouth is alive, with juices like wine, and i'm hungry like the wolf'
why are you destroying the yard?
kind of a big undertaking isn't it?
i didn't get it.
that's a great idea, scar. because there are so many options out there for a 36 year old with only a high school diploma.
i didn't say that.
but i did.
jesus!
hey!? get away from there!?
oh no!! hello!?
what the-
damn it. ed! ed! i lost my key!
i've had a really rough night.
what are you gonna do? exfoliate me to death? you got into my samples case again, didn't you?
what's your problem, it's only mud.
aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!
ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
i'm dreaming right? is this some kind of hallucination?
do something! anything! pinch me!
i said pinch!
calm down! we need to talk! we can work this out!
well, it obviously isn't working.
is that true?
wait!! wait!! wait!! do you really think this'll work?
the janitor!
has anyone seen the janitor? is the janitor here? where's the janitor?
excuse me! excuse me!? can you tell me where i can find the night janitor?
there was an old guy, white hair. i showed him this picture of me-
right. forget it.
alex? what are you doing up there?
okay. okay. i'll get you down.
i'm. mark. freedman. your uncle ed's son. he told me to look out for you.
believe me, it's gonna be a surprise to him too. did those guys do this to you?
but why?
he doesn't exist. nothing makes sense.
no?
i'm going back to high school.
going back to high school.
my son was hanging by his underwear from a bathroom stall door and my daughter was being mauled by a smarmy gorilla. they need me.
email and telephone. i got it covered.
nothing.
to be honest, i think she'd rather have it that way. what's with the attitude?
take a deep breath. all you have to do is enroll me and say as little as possible.
are you sure these look legit?
this is hip teenage apparel. i got it right off the mannequin at ed hardy.
nice to meet you, julie.
dad met mom in thailand. she's a very successful prostitute.
oh, dad, the doctor called. you were right. it is herpes.
do their mothers know they dress like that?
enough!
do you think humiliating a 17 year- old in front of her peers is helpful or do you just get off on it?
mark freedman. it's my first day.
is someone barbecuing?
hi, maggie. hi, girls. i'm mark-
girls? hello? anyone home?
good. so there's plenty of room then.
what's a nip?
maggie, why are you friends with these horrible girls?
you have a boyfriend? excuse me a second.
maggie, could we talk somewhere
get your hands off her, you little punk!
no, no, i don't.
it was terrible. the place is evil, ed. that building needs to be exorcised.
my beanbag was lit on fire, videoed and sent to every member of student body.
they mocked my clothes and phone. my daughter got a tongue bath in front of me and i have mint chip in my ears.
double scotch neat.
i'm not going back there.
i know why you're encouraging me all of a sudden.
because you want to nail my principal.
she's not your type. she's smart.
i can't do it. i don't have it in me.
you're right! my kids need me.
there must be a very hot girl downstairs.
i forwarded my calls to my new phone, sent some work emails and just lobbed one to scarlet, told her i was in peru finding myself. think she'll buy it?
i am so ready.
so i've been here a couple days now and i think i got it figured out. you girls are lesbians, right?
mind if i sit here?
i got rid of the bull's eye on my forehead.
who's she?
have you spoken to her?
i'll tell you a funny story. the first time i met your mother i was so nervous-
what?
i did? that's weird. is your mom hot?
what's going on tonight? you wanna hang out? do something?
yeah you could show me around.
i'll swing by your house around 7.
don't worry. i'll see you tonight.
did you girls catch ellen yesterday? rosie was on. melissa etheridge jammed-
i know. i'll text you. not. later. much.
stan. did mommy sew that on there so you wouldn't forget your name?
you know, stan, i feel sorry for you.
oh but i do. all too well. you're the man. captain of the basketball team. dates the pretty girls. high school is your kingdom.
but, people, stan's a bully. why? it would be way too easy to say stan preys on the weak because he's simply a dick. no, stan's more complex than that. according to leading psychiatrists stan is a bully for 1 of 3 reasons. 1, under all that male bravado there's an insecure little girl banging on the closet door trying to get out. 2, like a caveman, stan's brain is underdeveloped. therefore stan is unable to use self-control so he acts out aggressively. and the third reason-
i'd argue that stan suffers from all 3.
3, 2, 1.
my guidance councilor made me come, but just so you know i'm not planning on going to college.
thanks.
it was incredible! i was incredible! you should'a seen me! i humiliated stan in front of the entire lunchroom. everyone was clapping. the popular girls were begging to give me their numbers!
man, i feel great! i even shot some hoops after school. no aches. no pains. gotta run, buddy.
is something wrong?
that's my dad. all 68 inches of him.
my mother. she. she was. a.
-a convict. in new jersey. they met while dad was at princeton. she was on parole. b&e, fist fighting, shanking. nothing major. but she's dead now.
i warned her about kite surfing during hurricane season. so how are things with you? doing anything exciting? dating? flirting with dom johnson maybe?
i mean do what you want. you're a grown woman but, word on the street is dom's been spreading gingivitis all over town.
you doing some gardening?
i almost don't even recognize it. er. if i had seen it before i probably wouldn't recognize it.
it seems like a lot'a work for one person, scar.
good luck with the project.
how's your mom doing? you know, with your dad not being around and all.
i have no idea what this says?
let's hit the beach, wingman.
what are you so nervous about?
what are you talking about? you're a basketball player. you're cool.
but i thought you were getting ready for the season?
who?
calm down. here's what you're gonna do. you're gonna go over there and introduce yourself-
why? because stan says so? you think stan's a winner? he's going nowhere. you're a great kid. any girl would be lucky to get your attention.
really. and right now, there's a girl over there who's dying to meet you.
just introduce yourself. then compliment her on something she never gets complimented on. like if she has big, meaty, man hands tell her she should be a hand model. and don't burp on her.
stan. why are you dating him?
i'm serious. he's not a nice guy. matter of fact he's a jackass.
i know he bullies your brother.
whoa. whoa. whoa. i thought you were going to georgetown?
the hell you are, young lady! if you think i'm gonna let you throw your life away on some sleestack you're crazy! i forbid you to see him anymore and that's final!
don't you walk away from me, margaret sarah o'donnell!
what's going on?
what was that all about?
i don't know what you're talking about?
you went through my room!?
i have to face the possibility that i might never turn back and if that's the case, i'm going to do it right this time around.
who?
leave her alone, stan. she's a good kid.
this year you're making the team. we practice everyday `til try outs. that gives us a week and a half.
yeah, you're right. you probably don't have any skills anyway.
so what's your problem? is it stan and his friends?
you don't need to be afraid of them, alex.
that's why we focus on your speed, dribbling and outside shot. remember, it's not how big you are-
alright. you got a little game.
let's go, alex.
we'll save you the embarrassment for try-outs.
back off, stan.
act like you're hurt and she won't be able to stay mad at you.
not anymore. you smell great.
no.
yeah, but i just had a manicure.
are you kidding? i love landscaping!
it's right up there with watching "sex and the city" and snuggling.
i'm just doing this to make a few bucks so i can buy laker tickets.
wow. 10 whole dollars. at that rate i should be able to buy tickets in. 2011.
what are the benefits like here?
deal.
maggie?
you lost me?
what happened? what did he do? you didn't.
your next word better be `cookies' or you're in big, big trouble!
maggie, did you two. you know. do.
that thing. that rabbits do a lot of and that a girl your age should never do and should only do when she's married.
there, there now. it's okay.
when you're young everything seems like the end of the world. but it's not. it's just the beginning. and you might have to meet a few more jerks, but one day you'll meet a boy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. like the sun rises and sets with you.
i know so.
you killed it out there!
i got'a use the bathroom.
i'm sorry. you just look so beautiful.
can i zip you up?
your jeans?
stupid, idiot, stupid.
maggie, what.
maggie, listen to me. i'm not the person you think.
that's right! i'm not like the others. i'm very different than the others. so different that you and i can never be.
yes! yes! that's it. i'm confused. extremely confused.
what? no-no-no-no. i'm not gay. i'm. i've been in love with the same girl since i was 17.
no, you don't. now- -if you don't mind?
who you texting?
you hung the lights!
it's amazing. i'm speechless. i'm sorry i never saw how talented you are. i mean when people see this and how talented you are you'll be designing sanctuaries all over the city.
let's see who the lucky guy is.
i knew it!
i knew you had a thing for him! you can't do this! you took vows. what kind of example are you setting for the kids!?
keep it in your pants, casanova.
don't you lay a finger on her, johnson! i know where you live!
it's adultery! if this were afghanistan she'd be dragged through the village by goats. you need to talk to her.
maybe he's not? maybe he wishes he could be here right now with you but there's a real good reason he can't be.
then why would you tell him that?
my wife's moving on. my son doesn't think i like him and my daughter's in love with me. i need to change back, ed.
i'm not going. i'll be a pharm rep til i die. i just want my family back.
fine. i want to have some kids over tonight to celebrate alex making the team. is that cool?
listen to you. you sound like an old man.
don't treat me like a child, ed.
not even close. dad!
give me that!
i'm so sorry. have you seen alex?
i thought you girls wanted to dance?
party's over, stan. you're out of here.
i would but it smells like you've been drinking so i'll let the cops do it.
on second thought-
i had the craziest dream. i was 17 again and back in high school. it was horrible, scarlet-
wait! this is highly inappropriate and dysfunctional. listen to me, maggie. i'm your father.
blew what? what happened?
slow down. have you ever kissed a girl before?
how did you find. forget it. it's easy. all you have to do is take her face in your hands gently like
-hold her still as you adjust your head, close your eyes and kiss her. the rest happens naturally.
if you feel it, you know, getting angry, take a step back. now go get that kiss.
girls, if i was 20 years younger i'd. probably only last 10 seconds anyway. put your clothes back on.
i'm so dead.
oh no!
scarlet, what are you doing here?
yeah, he's fine. he's with his girlfriend.
he does and she's really cute. come on.
believe me, i do. he's a great kid. and you're an amazing mother.
hey, you didn't run him off. don't blame yourself for his stupidity.
that's bull shit! you, maggie and alex are the best thing that ever happened to me. him. he was just too selfish to recognize it. at least, that's how i see it.
scar, just calm down. i have something to tell you but i need you to keep an open mind. can you do that for me?
i'm not mark.
it's no game. i'm me. him. mike. it's me. your husband.
it's the truth. i'm the father of your children. you have to believe me.
let me explain, scar.
alex, wait. let me explain-
she hates me, ed. i've ruined everything.
i really messed up. i've lost my family.
what about you and julie?
sorry about the party. i'll pay for any damages.
i don't know. we just need to stop her from going through with it!
your honor! i have a letter from mike o'donnell. just let me read it. please.
thank you, your honor.
what are you talking about?
enough with the magic crap, ed.
i'm moving on. see you at the game.
just warming up, coach.
that's the plan, coach.
i never meant to hurt you-
alex, i'm your fa. i don't know. i'm sorry.
it's your turn now. good luck.
scar!
the best choice i ever made was you.
don't ask.
i think it's best if we don't tell the kids about this. especially maggie.