that was a close one, ladies and gentlemen. unfortunately, in every contest, there must be.  a looser! he jumps into an old beat-up chevy bel air, and lets the dog out onto the passenger seat.
looohoooserrrherrr! he then pulls open the car's ashtray, and to the dog's delight, it's filled with puppy chow. he tries to start the engine but it won't turn over. the dog shoots him a look.
no problem, it gets flooded. we'll just wait a few seconds. ace sits back. smash!!! from ace's pov we see a baseball bat shatter the front windshield.
or, we could try it now. ace frantically tries to start the car. his new friend continues around the car beating the living shit out of it.
oooh, boy.
warning! assholes are closer than they appear! the dog is barking insanely.
you think you can do better?! the baseball bat is now pummeling the trunk.
wanna give me a push while you're back there? boom! the back window shatters. then the car's engine roars to life. ace rejoices.
farfegnugennnnn!!! ace leaves the bad guy in a cloud of dust and gravel, screaming bloody murder.
well, the reward would be good, and there was some damage to my – she cuts ace off with a devastating kiss.
ummmm… sure. she pulls him toward the bedroom.
how did he find out? does he have you followed.
hi, beautiful. what time do you get off?
i've heard some pretty great things about your kibble.
just get me the food! she chuckles at ace as she loads a couple of bags with different kinds of pet food.
i'm a little bit sli pickins, right now, i'm a little tight squeeze louise, a little welfare wolly, potless pissing pete, i'm ah -
gravy! i'm good for it, adelle. i'm on a very big case right now. ace reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a flyer with a picture of a white pigeon.
see this pigeon? it's a true albino. some rich guy lost it. he's offering a ten thousand dollar reward.
just keep my eyes open, and hope to god it doesn't snow. ace grabs his bags and heads for the door.
yes, satan? now ace turns around in mock surprise.
oh, i'm sorry, sir. you sounded like someone else.
mr. shickadance… i told you, you're my first priority! as soon as i find the white pigeon, you're paid!!
i never bring my work home with me, sir. the landlord notices the bags of kibble.
fiber. the landlord isn't buying it.
you wanna take a look for yourself? go head. ace rattles his keys in the door. then he swings it open and turns on the light. the house is clear. ace walks in as the landlord stands there snooping and sniffing the air.
well… are you satisfied?
okay then. take care now. 'bye 'bye. the landlord walks away as ace closes the door.
ooshhooboobooboodoodoo!
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!! the bird makes a clean getaway. unable to stop his momentum, ace flies past the edge of the building and slides down the side of the roof.
ace ventura. pet detective. the guard stares at ace, accusingly.
no, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.
no, i don't smoke. he adds more shells to the pile. melissa is already wondering if she has made a mistake.
well, now that you do, you'll know who to call if your schnauser ever runs away.
he's young, about five pounds, black coat, white speckles… …likes to chase cars.
you should see what i can do with a good stool sample.
well, sea faring creatures aren't really my expertise…
the dolphin is a social creature. capable of complex communication. traveling in large groups or schools…
four wheel drive van… loaded from the rear. ace sniffs the turf. podacter enters nervously.
martha metz? martha metz. oh yeah, the bitch.
pekinese. hyperactive. lost in highland park area. she was half dead when i found her. is that the tank? they both follow ace as he makes a b-line.
cops drain it?
if i'm not back in five minutes… call lloyd bridges.
…wonderful flipper… glorious flipper… magnificent flipper… the flippiest flipper… podacter and melissa, watching from the rim, look at each other like, "what have we gotten ourselves into?" podacter spots something.
…can't hear you flipper, flipper… lookin' for flipper, gotta find flipper…
not yet. ace goes to the filter outside the tank, opens it, and pours out its contents – mainly leaves, small twigs and gunk. he roots through it, notices a very tiny amber stone. he smiles to himself.
now i'm finished.
good question, aguado… first i'd establish a motive. in this case the killer saw the size of the bug's dick, and became insanely jealous. the other cops all react with a big "ooooooo". aguado has no comeback. ace comes face to face with him.
then i'd lose thirty pounds porking his wife. aguado suddenly loses it and swings at ace. with a lightening move, ace sidesteps the punch and forces aguado's face down next to the dead bug.
now kiss and make up. ace walks off.
llloooser! ace walks to the desk of emilio echavez, a young energetic member of the homicide division. ace has a silly impish look on his face.
i miss you.
okay. just tell me what you got on snowflake. that's all i need.
sounds like my kind of a party. a cop comes to emilio's desk.
just tell me who's working the case?
aguado?! he's pimple juice! he's the poster child for lead paint chip eaters!
any unusual bets being made?
what'd you find out about the tank?
that's it?
you know something? you're nice! ace gets up and exits the room. then just as emilio sighs with relief, ace pops back in.
what about crazy philly fans? the elevator bell rings. out steps police lt. lois einhorn, mid 30s, with a slender build, a great pair of legs and a bad tude.
holy testicle tuesday!
i came to confess. i was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
whewww… now i feel better! ace turns to go.
of course, that might not do any good. you see, nobody's missing a porpoise. it's a dolphin that's been taken. the common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth, and a triangular thorasic fin, while the bottlenose dolphin, or tursiops truncatus, has an elongated beak, round, cone-shaped teeth, and a distinctive serrated dorsal appendage. but i'm sure you already knew that. that's what turns me on about you. hey… maybe i'll give you a call sometime, lieutenant. your number still 911? alrighty then! ace exits. cut to:
excuse me?! is greg here?! the burnout's head thrashes on. no acknowledgement of ace.
thank you! ace heads for the basement stairs.
tom vu! i pay for sex! you can too! click! the door electronically unlatches and slides open.
found him!
super, and thank you for asking. hope you're having a nice day.
don't i? and what are you up to?
i certainly do.
gravy. woodstock moves to a different screen.
i'm very attracted to you right now. woodstock chuckles.
aren't i? can you still tap into all the aquatic supply store in the area?
i want to trace the sale of any equipment for transporting or housing a dolphin within the past few months…
okay then, try to remember the sixties.
who is it?
…bastard.
ronald camp? the billionaire?
rrreheheally!
hold on, this guy's connected with the dolphins? ace leans in.
hmmm… i wonder if i can find myself a date.
'well, chuck… the date started off good, but just before we got to the party, she seemed to tense up.' melissa rolls her eyes, then taps a huge door knocker.
you mean like this? ace starts doing a spastic body convulsion. just then a bald-headed butler, who looks a little like gavin mccloud, opens the door. ace doesn't notice until melissa hits him with her purse.
owwwe!!! he sees the butler.
oh, hi captain stubing. melissa storms in, already pissed.
tom ace. wonderful to meet you, mr. camp, and congratualtions on all your success. you smell terrific.
will you just keep him occupied, while i work my magic please. she crosses the room. he puts the cracker in his mouth and begins to crunch. a man in a tux beside ace spreads pate' on his own cracker.
smooshy, isn't it? off the stuffy man's reaction…
excuse me, ron, i need to use the bathroom? i think it's the pate'.
thanks. stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh? ace laughs, slaps camp hard on the back and heads for the bathroom.
gravy. ace climbs a ladder on the side of the tank, singing more intensely now. the ladder leads to a narrow catwalk over the center of the water. ace grabs a feeder fish from a pail and walks carefully out there.
snowflake… here, snowflake… snooowflaaaake…
it's not snowflake… it's not snowflake. instantly, ace's body is thrashed around back and forth through the water, the entire length of the pool.
it's not snowflaaaake!!! it's not snowflaaaa!!!
do not go in there! whewww!!
be sure that you do. if i had been drinking out of that toilet, i might have been killed! ace shakes camp's hand and notices his ring. he holds on to get a better look. it's a very distinct, commemorative ring. camp wants his hand back but ace won't let go. melissa finally drags ace away.
i was wrong about camp. he's breaking the law but he's not our guy.
this is the key. right here!
so small! so unnoticeable! yet an invaluable piece… of our twisted little jigsaw puzzle! melissa stares at ace like he's gone crazy. there is a flash of headlights and a car horn. melissa swerves back into her own lane. ace drops the stone somewhere on the seat and begins to search for it frantically.
damn it! try to keep it on the road.
i found it in the filter. and it's not a pebble. it is a rare, triangular cut, orange amber. ace hands melissa the stone and quickly goes to one of her bookcases.
tonight i saw the exact same stone in camp's ring. ace finds a book on the dolphin team and flips through it.
n. camp's clean. his ring wasn't missing a stone. but whoever was in that tank had a ring just like his.
the 1982 dolphin afc championship ring. melissa holds the stone up to the picture. it's a perfect match.
i find the ring with the missing stone, i find snowflake.
simple.
it came from an '82 afc championship ring.
free animals now? started in 1982 by chelsea gamble, daughter of the famous industrialist, fischer gamble? over half a million members from florida to finland? no. who are they?
what do you feed your dog? we see melissa's dog lying near ace's feet.
he's miserable.
he's just very unhappy, i feel sorry for him. bad diet, isolated environment. it's amazing he's still alive.
yeah? and you're ugly.
what, so you can beat him? fatty!
you like her, huh?… yeah, she's alright. ace, feeling guilty, walks into the house.
look, melissa, i, ah… ace stops when he sees melissa. she is sitting, holding the phone in her lap with a completely stunned look on her face. something is very wrong.
you okay? melissa nods bravely. emilio joins them.
what'd you find?
did he leave a note? the elevator arrives.
hey, fella, have a bad night? ace examines its paws. ace then gets down and finds scratches in the door. two feet interrupt. ace stands. he is face to face with einhorn.
e, forget it. she's right. besides, i wouldn't want someone tracing my steps and pointing out all the mistakes i made. ace crosses to…
well, i wouldn't say that. lord knows, there is plenty of evidence here to support your theory, except of course that spot of blood on the balcony. on the railing, sure enough, there is a tiny spot of blood. einhorn glares at a couple of nearby cops. they look down.
may i tell you what i think happened? alrighty then! ace moves as he talks.
roger podacter went out after work. he had a few drinks, and he came home. but he wasn't alone. someone was with him in this apartment. there was a struggle, and then roger podacter was thrown over that balcony. roger podacter didn't commit suicide. he was murdered. a beat as everyone considers this.
let's take a trip to clue corner, shall we? can anyone tell me why a man buys a lottery ticket on the day he is going to commit suicide? or why the family pet, suffering from acute canine trauma, clawed at the bedroom door until his paws bled? how about the blood on the railing? i'll bet if we put our thinking caps on we'll see that it was the result of the struggle that took place inside this apartment while mr. podacter was still alive!
well, maybe i'm just a little out of my league, here. einhorn… ace holds out his hand, einhorn shakes it.
…good work. ace and melissa head for the door.
oh, there is just one more thing, lieutenant. this man is roger podacter's neighbor. he lives across the hall. he said he heard a scream, is that right, sir? the neighbor nods. ace turns to the apartment manager.
and you said you had to open the balcony door when you keyed into the room?
you're certain you had to open this door? she nods.
only this… aaaaaaawwwwwwwwwww… ace sustains an incredible pavorati note, while he repeatedly opens and closes the glass door between them. when the door is closed nothing can be heard.
this is double paned, sound- proofed glass. there's no way this neighbor could have heard podacter scream on the way down with this door shut. the scream he heard came from inside this apartment, before podacter was thrown over the railing! and the muderer closed the door before he left! yes! yesss! i have exorcised the demons! this house is clear.
i'm thinking this whole thing is connected somehow. i'm thinking i want to find that other ring!
i know, pessimistress. could anyone else have gotten a ring that year?
…receipts! there must be receipts! you have a key to the office.
absolutely. ext. dolphin headquarters - 1:00 am ace's car screeches to a stop, in front of the building. ace jumps out, followed by melissa.
you don't have to tell me. i was there.
i don't do humans. melissa gets a bit closer.
i feel a kinship with them. i understand them. wanna hear something kinda spooky?
one time, when i was about twelve, i had this dream that i was being followed by a dog with rabies. he had these really bloodshot eyes and foam coming out of his mouth… and just before i got to my front door… he jumped on me and sunk his teeth in. then i woke up, and felt the back of my neck… check this out. ace motions for melissa to feel the back of his neck, but when she does, he snaps at her hand, barking like a vicious dog.
ararar!!! melissa jumps out of her skin.
i'm sorry. i couldn't stop myself. are these all the receipts?
there's only a dozen of them here. ace turns from the file cabinet with a hopeless look on his face. melissa begins to clean up his mess.
who the hell is that?
that! who the hell is that?! he quickly pulls out his crossed out pictures of the team and begins to compare the two.
no! how come he's not in this picture?! melissa checks ace's photo.
but he got a ring?
'field goal sails wide, dolphins lose super bowl'.
poor guy with a motive, baby. where is he now?
no way. it may not be safe at your apartment, and you shouldn't be left alone.
i'm sorry… that's never happened to me before. i must be tired.
excuse me, sir. do you know where i can find the pigskin sports bar?
i wouldn't know anything about that, but if you could point me toward the bar. fern breaks down, sobbing.
well… hypothetically speaking, say they all left you and went to the pigskin sports bar. how would they have gotten there from here?
thanks very much! take care now, 'bye 'bye then! ace gets into his car and pulls out.
excuse me, guy?! my name is ace ventura, i'm a pet detective. i'd like to ask you a few questions if i could. no one even looks at him.
just a few questions, that's all. still no one reacts.
who wants gum?! again, no reaction. ace walks over to the bartender and slides a five across the bar.
i'm looking for a guy who used to work here. the bartender takes the money.
he was a kicker for the dolphins. ray finkle. a pool ball flies by ace's head shattering a mirror behind the bar. all eyes are on ace.
that would be a scratch.
…yes? crash! the giant guy smashes his bottle.
sorry, i have "say the opposite of what you mean" disease. several undesirables surround ace.
ewww… i hate that!
what a diiick! they all move closer in a threatening manner.
death to finkle! death to finkle! the bartender steps in.
did he come back after the super bowl?
wait… i know this one.
it's good you're dealing with the anger. i don't suppose anyone's seen him lately? the chanting stops and the guys all look at ace.
…hi, i'm looking for ray finkle. a gun slides out into ace's face.
and a clean pair of shorts. a deep gruff voice from inside.
southpaw soccer style kicker. graduated from collier high in june, 1976. stetson university honors graduate, class of 1980. holds two ncaa division one records. one for most points in a season, one for distance. former nickname the mule. the first and only pro athlete ever to come out of collier county. and one helluva model american. after a beat the peephole closes. the door slowly creaks open revealing mr. finkle, an unsmiling, taciturn, elderly man holding the gun.
no, sir. i'm just a very big finkle fan. this is my graceland, sir. mrs. finkle, a sweet, adorable elderly woman comes over.
it's a real honor.
are you expecting ray anytime soon?
wow… ray finkle's house! can't wait to meet him!
but your wife said you expect him home any minute.
hey, what do ya know. they're little footballs.
…oooh boy.
may i?
melissa, it's ace.
i'm in psychoville and finkle's the mayor. where's dan marino?
because he's about to join snowflake. i gotta know where he is.
come on. come on… in the background, we see two paramedics exit the gas station office rolling a dead body on a gurney. the area of the sheet that covers the face is a giant red spot. we widen to see them load good old mr. bilbo into an ambulance and drive away, ringing the station bell one more time. ace doesn't notice.
where is that?
okay, that's about fifteen miles from me. call the police. get extra security over there now.
s'cuse meee! pet detective!
i did it! i did it! i caught the white pigeon! i caught the white pigeon! ace jumps out of his car and starts skipping around the park with the pigeon held high over his head. he looks insane.
i caught the white pigeon, i caught the white pigeon, i caught the white… ace slows down and begins to look around warily. there are now an unusual number of birds perched on the telephone wires around the park and on the monkey bars, and on the swings. the sky grows darker. he slowly turns and tries to get back to the car. all the birds take flight. ace sets the white pigeon free and starts to run, but it's too late. the birds are on him. pecking, and gouging, and ripping his flesh. now we see ten birds flying away with a leg. five birds flying away with an arm. twenty others are trying to take ace's left arm off, and half his face is missing…
aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!! cut to:
tonight on "miami vice", crockett geets the boss coffee! ace is in her office, popping sunflower seeds, kicking back. einhorn walks to her private bathroom.
is it number one or number two? einhorn turns and glares at ace.
i just want to know how much time i have. einhorn goes to the sink and begins washing her hands.
oh, by the way, i went ahead and solved that pesky, snowflake. podacter. marino thing.
yeah, ever hear of a former dolphin kicker named ray finkle? the water shuts off. einhorn appears around the corner.
i found a rare stone at the bottom of snowflake's tank. it's from a dolphin '82 afc championship ring. it would have been a super bowl ring, but ray finkle missed the big kick. blames the whole thing on marino. we're talking paranoid, delusional psychosis. i saw the guy's room… cozy, if you're hannibal lector.
my guess is finkle was snooping around. podacter recognized him. end of story. as for snowflake… they gave him finkle's number, and taught him how to kick a field goal. finkle took it personally. einhorn listens with great interest.
he broke out of a metal hospital. did a claude raines. he's been planning his revenge for years. waiting for the perfect time to get back at the dolphins. the time when it would hurt them the most. super bowl time! man, i'm tired of being right! einhorn walks in front and sits on the edge of the desk. she's totally softened her demeanor.
ahh, could you talk in my good ear. i thought i heard you call me ace. einhorn gets real close.
your gun's digging into my hip. more kissing, the ace stops.
maybe later.
no. you just don't do anything for me. he quickly adjusts his crotch, to conceal the erection. einhorn withdraws with a coy smile.
can't do that, lieutenant. i was hired to find snowflake.
when i find snowflake, i'll deliver marino. he exits.
nice to see you again! the burnout just keeps thrashing. ace spots woodstock watching the band and joins him.
that's none of your damn business.
is it?
got his picture on some tuna cans, but nothing so far. a singer roars on stage. he sounds like a garbage disposal full of cutlery.
i need info on a football flunky named ray finkle.
are they?
alright then. don't worry about it. i mean dolphins aren't exactly an endangered species. it's not like the whole food chain's gonna be affected if one highly intelligent mammal dies a slow and painful death! hell, if the band is loud enough, you won't even hear its pitiful whimpering!! ace does his best suffering dolphin impression. woodstock is no longer enjoying the band. cut to:
well then. we know he's incredibly thrifty.
isn't he? woodstock types in more information. finkle's trw flashes on the screen.
really? what makes you say that?
please yank me no further. i beg of you.
anything else?
well… you did all you could. thanks for nothin.
hmm, i know what that's like.
don't i?
did you get all the spiders outta there? ace heads out, then freezes. the two thugs that took marino are standing at the exit. then they see ace and start towards him, reaching inside their coats. suddenly the music starts. the burnout's head wails again. his manic gyrations interfere with the thugs long enough for ace to bolt. one of the thugs pushes the burnout violently against the wall as they pursue ace.
one, two, three, four, spank me mommy!!! the audience looks at ace for a second. then the band members exchange a look and go for it!! it's a nightmarish little ditty. ace sings like one of satan's minions.
urghhuurraaaw! arghuurrrreeew! the crowd seems to understand. they throw the thugs high in the air again and mosh them away from the stage. the thugs are shooting stray bullets the whole time. ace incites the crowd, even more now, with a punching gesture. the crowd follows their new leader, punching with one hand, moshing with the other. the thugs get the living crap "moshed" out of them. when the song ends, ace raises fists in the air. the cheering crowd violently drops the thugs. they're out cold.
ira.
i refuse to do a 'knock knock joke'. come on, open up! melissa opens the door.
you have to commit me.
finkle escaped from shady acres in tampa. they still have some of his stuff.
i'm ready to go in, coach. just give me a chance. i know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological. got to stay in a positive frame of mind. memorize the play book. study the films. ace strikes a dramatic pose and freezes, with a crazed look on his face.
i'm gonna execute a button-hook pattern! he begins to make a play in slow motion.
super slo-mo! cut to:
halftiiiime!! ace sticks his head in the water fountain then sits down on the bench outside the storage room.
a massive search ended today when rescue workers were unable to find the body of lois einhorn… …a camper reported lost since friday… lois einhorn… holy shit balls. ace sits bewildered.
this is chicken little. the sky is falling.
it means she's involved in this. the article's dated the day before finkle disappeared.
finkle. ray finkle… the guy who took the dolphin? the guy you're supposed to be looking for?! einhorn didn't tell you, did she?
come on, e. i tell her about finkle, she doesn't tell a soul. i have an article here that connects her with finkle. you gotta' check her out. do you mind? the crazy guy stops and moves to one of the phones.
emilio, einhorn is involved. you're gonna' have to make a decision here. listen, i gotta get off the phone. i think i just solved the lindberg case. melissa and the doctor return.
brian piccalo is dead. ace breaks down. melissa hangs up the phone and leads him away. we hear a thrash version of the theme to "brian's song" as they exit the hospital.
good job today. you're quite a dirty rotten filthy liar.
naw, i got some thinking to do. besides, you'd be safer with salman rushdie
hey… ace leans over and kisses her.
…bet on the dolphins.
wiggles, rewind. wiggles obediently hits another button and rewinds the phone tape. ace pops sunflower seeds, and holds some evidence aloft thinking. a bird eats seeds out of his naval.
what the hell does lois einhorn have to do with ray finkle? come on, think! dissolve to: later. ace is posed like rodin's "the thinker".
finkle and einhorn. in it together. how? why? a small monkey sits in the same position. mocking ace. dissolve to: later still. ace pacing, jumping up and down. trying to get his intuitive juices flowing. the monkey is likewise, jumping on the mantle.
alright! here we go! answer's right there! just gotta get some blood to the brain! finkle and einhorn! finkle and einhorn! finkle and einhorn! finkle and einhorn! the animals all watch him like he's crazy. dissolve to: daybreak. ace sits staring at a picture of finkle on the coffee table. he's totally spent and on the verge of tears.
finkle and einhorn. einhorn and finkle. he turns to see the monkey crashed out in a heap on a sofa pillow.
quitter. wiggles jumps up onto the coffee table now. ace can't be bothered with him.
what do you want? huh? wiggles whines at the tone of ace's voice.
what? i got no food for you. you gotta have money to buy food. i gotta find the dolphin to get the money. i don't see any dolphins around here, do you? face it, it's hopeless… your master is a
loo… hoo… suddenly he is silenced by something amazing. wiggles' dark haired floppy ears are lying around finkle's picture like a wig. ace combs the hair over the head shot. the "make-over" is unmistakable. it's einhorn!!
oh, my god! that's it! he jumps up, estatic.
einhorn is finkle! finkle is einhorn!… einhorn is a man!!! ace's expression quickly turns sour.
oh my god!!! einhorn is a man!!! music up: aerosmith's dud looks like a lady… ace makes a mad dash into the bathroom.
you're gun is sticking into my hip. yeeeekkkk! einhorn comes out her front door and gets into her car. ace shudders once more and then follows her.
he sleeps with the fishes.
guess what, boys, it's nap time. ace gently releases the hook. just as vinnie and roc turn to look, the iron hook shears both of their heads clean off. two headless bodies fall to the ground in slow motion with blood gushing from their necks.
hooooly shiiit! oh my god! i didn't mean to - oh man!!! ace holds his head and dances around, completely freaking out what he had done.
lord, i swear! i just wanted to knock them out! ace abruptly stops to think.
is that murder? i don't know. they were gonna kill me. but they didn't… but they tried. that's self defense. that's it!! i have nothing to worry about!! cut to: ace nervously whistling as he wipes his fingerprints off the hook.
ace ventura. pet detective. i've been sent in with a special play. quarterback sneak.
what happened to "ace"?
be careful with that phone, lieutenant. i wouldn't want you to get a tumor.
what? who are they? you mean there's other people here?
don't kill meeee!! pleeheeheeheeheeeezzz!!! i'll never tell anyone! i swear! he's the one you want!! kill him!!
blue forty-two!! einhorn turns to ace.
blue forty-two! einhorn shoots at ace! he dives out of the way.
hut! hut! suddenly, snowflake leaps out of the water and takes the gun out of einhorn's hand, like the trick we saw earlier. snowflake swims around the pool with the gun in his mouth.
yes. the highly trained dolphin. perhaps the smartest mammal in the animal kingdom. see how he knew exactly what i wanted him to do, as if our minds were somehow in complete synchronization. they have been know to save men at sea you know. they have their own language. snowflake. come here, snowflake! bring me the gun! eeeeee! eeeeee! eeeeee! just like the trick in his routine, however, snowflake swims around the tank, passes ace, then hands the gun back to einhorn. he finishes with a tail walk.
stupid fish. on tv: miami's kicker boots a perfect field goal from fifty yards.
good to see someone who doesn't buckle under the pressure?
well, i've kissed a man.
you don't understand, she's a – einhorn grabs ace, throws him into a head lock and begins wailing on his face. meanwhile, cops start arriving, swat team members disperse onto the catwalk as the fight continues. they try but can't get a bead on ace as the two roll around on the floor. more punches. they fight up a flight of stairs, then back down. to the amazement of the swat team, ace and einhorn slug it out as equals.
ho, ho! fiction can be fun! but i find the reference section much more enlightening. for instance, if you were to look up 'professional football's all time bonehead plays', you might read about a miami dolphin kicker named ray finkle, who missed a twenty-six yard field goal in the closing seconds of super bowl seventeen. what you wouldn't read about is how ray finkle lost his mind, and was committed to a mental institute, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hker, seducing her way to the top, in a diabolical plan to get even with dan marino whom he blamed for the entire thing!!! ace gasps for air. everyone is totally confused.
she's not lois einhorn! she's ray finkle! she's a man!
let's just see who's lying. would a real woman have to wear one of these? ace dramatically pulls at einhorn's hair, thinking it's a wig. einhorn's head flies back. the hair is real. ace keeps tugging it. the swat team ready themselves.
boy, that's really on there! but tell me this: would a real woman be missing these?! ace rips open einhorn's blouse, and reveals two beautiful feminine breasts. the sharp shooters are tensing. ace is laughing nervously now.
ha, ha, ha! that kind of surgery can be done over the weekend! but i doubt if she could find the time during her busy schedule to get rid of mr. knish!! ace rips off einhorn's skirt. einhorn now stands there fully nude. she appears to be the perfect figure of a woman.
oooh boy. ace looks at melissa and emilio and shrugs his shoulders. then, just when it seems all is lost, dan marino who is back behind einhorn, motions for ace to come over.
could you excuse me just a second. ace goes to dan. melissa still holds emilio hostage.
ladies and gentlemen, my esteemed colleague mr. marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal minds can be wrong, from time to time. but, if i have been mistaken… if the lieutenant is indeed a woman… then my friends, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids i have ever seen!!! ace spins einhorn around now, exposing to the world, the healthy set of male genetalia that finkle has learned to keep tucked between his legs. everyone gasps. close up on einhorn. finkle. he finally drops the facade.
somebody read it its rights. suddenly, finkle picks up a shard of broken glass and lunges at ace.
llloooser! lloo hoo serr herr herr!!! melissa is still holding the gun on emilio.
yeah, dan?
you idiot! do you know what you've done?! the giant eagle head looks up at ace.
you just cost me ten thousand bucks, polly!
ree hee hee heelyyy?!!! pull back to find eagle's mascot and ace arguing. we can't hear what's said, but there's a lot of finger pointing. emilio stops his leering to check out what's going on. the announcer up in the booth reads a release.