why do they always show the guy's face? it's like, can't we just assume he's enjoying it? we slowly pull back from the tv.
how the hell do you know?
it all started on my seventeenth birthday with our usual morning routine: film appreciation. the school bell rings and deacon clicks off the tv.
come on, let's go. we're going to be late.
and when i say film appreciation, i mean film duplication. fred steals them, matt copies them, and i sell them. matt walks over to the tv and presses eject on five vcr's. the original plus four copies pop out. close on the original tape: "ramalot productions presents dirty darla #7," as matt hands it to fred and the copies to deacon. they smile.
fred's the kind of kid who's basically given up on high school. he figures his glory days are way ahead of him.
you are a complete moron. deacon and matt walk off. fred calls after them.
until that big payday, fred's sex life consists of spanking it.
fred averages two to five time a day, depending on how many girls he sees in the hallway.
now matt-- matt's what you'd call a late bloomer. secretary of the audio visual club, amateur filmmaker, and complete dork.
in the normal course of things, matt probably wouldn't even have been our friend, but fred likes having someone to boss around, and i think matt's actually pretty cool once you get to know him. just then, the burly girls' swim team coach comes out of the girls' locker room. she walks by matt without noticing, and the door to the locker room closes slowly. matt's attention is drawn to it. the door stops with a creak, a sliver of daylight still visible. matt shakes his head and starts to walk away towards the boys' locker room. then, he stops. he's torn. he's still too immature to really be interested, but he thinks he should be. he looks around quickly, then slowly approaches the door. he turns his head sideways, and places it up against the crack.
dirty darla #7 is a modern classic. this is grade-a porn, my friend. worth a lot more than twenty dollars.
people always talk about how tough it is being a teenage girl. i mean, if i have to watch one more tv movie about bulimia or self mutilation or vaginal dryness.  deacon reaches his locker and opens it. he sees some cheerleaders bouncing down the hallway. deacon takes out some books for class. deacon i'll tell you what's really hard. being a seventeen year old boy. imagine what it's like to have only one thing on your mind all day, every day, but to have absolutely no way of getting it.
testosterone is a drug more powerful than heroin. i don't really have any evidence to support that, but the point is, a horny teenage boy will do almost anything for even a glimpse of sex. .  his biology teacher's erect nipples visible through her conservative bra and blouse. aside from her flashing headlights, she's the kind of woman you wouldn't notice even if you were alone with her on a two-man luge. but that doesn't matter-- deacon can't take his eyes off of them.
we're suffering. suffering from a deep, debilitating addiction to something we've never even had. teenage boys are like time bombs, ready to explode.
are you talking about rachael unger?
you're kidding. 13 int. deacon's bedroom - day 13 rachael unger, deacon's girlfriend at the time, is naked under deacon's sheets after school one day. deacon enters from the bathroom and is immediately surprised by her state of undress.
rachael! what are you doing? she sits up and strikes a sexy pose.
now?
i didn't think you were listening to me. suddenly, rachael becomes a little self-conscious.
of course i do. but, i, um.  i don't have anything.  she pulls out a condom.
i have a math test tomorrow. 14 int. biology class - day 14 the teacher clears her throat and deacon snaps out of it. he turns away from the guys behind him as they continue to describe the john baldwin incident.
"i have a math test tomorrow." the bottom line is, i just couldn't do it. i don't know why, i just couldn't. and i've cursed myself every day since then. deacon is suddenly.
hey, guys. here's the money. he hands out the proceeds from the operation, and matt notices that deacon is a little out of sorts.
yeah. i heard rachael unger did it with john baldwin.
shut up, fabio. i don't see you sealing any deals.
whatever. it just wasn't good timing.
will you shut up already? look, i've been thinking about this all day. we're juniors now. upperclassmen.
so we have a responsibility to ourselves to start having fun and getting girls. this year is our year. there's nothing holding us back any more. over in the parking lot, jake, a studly senior, revs the engine on his truck. two hot girls, kelly and wendy, sit on his bumper, chatting.
you see? that's exactly what i'm talking about. that could be us.
why not? all we have to do is follow the simple lessons of tony montana in "scar face."
listen, the porno pirating operation is bringing in plenty of money. when i get my new car tonight for my birthday, we'll have the power to go wherever we want. then, there's nothing stopping us from getting the girls. fred and matt look at deacon warily. is this a plan? then, the hot girls and jake drive past the guys.
i had a stomach virus, asshole. just then, a super hot cheerleader drops her car keys and bends over to pick them up.
and i signal exactly two hundred feet before the turn. rule 108-1. the unimpressed tester remains expressionless.
i begin the parallel parking maneuver by pulling within three feet of the forward vehicle. i now shift into reverse while turning the wheel two revolutions clockwise.  the tester rubs his brow.
wow. this is great. the room is sparsely populated with a few of deacon's relatives, his mom and dad, younger brother max , and roger, a wheelchair-bound nerd with a face full of orthodontic headgear and braces.
yeah.
really. i was.
thanks.
you mean there's more? deacon can hardly contain his excitement.
no, it is. it's just--
no, i just thought-- i thought you guys were buying me that car i wanted. max snickers.
now what are we going to do?
you invited more people?
and no one showed up?
great.
let's go.
come on, guys. can i just get one thing that i ask for on my goddamn birthday?
hey, coop. can we come in? coop un-pockets a tiny piece of paper with a thousand names on it. he examines it for a long time.
coop. it's my birthday today, so cut me some slack, all right? coop looks him over, then opens the door.
oh, my god. there's naomi.
yeah. fred adjusts his pants. deacon makes a decision. one that he'd normally never make.
i'm gonna go talk to her. what have i got to lose?
she's rachael's friend. it's not like i don't know her.
hey, naomi.
you remembered.
oh, right. so where's jake?
so you two aren't going out any more?
no, that's okay.
all right. he slips off his shoes and takes off his shirt. he walks over to the shallow end. deacon steps in with his shorts still on.
what?
oh. okay. sorry, i'll just leave you guys alone then--
looks at her, thinks it over, and finally.  slips off his shorts. he gets into the pool in his underwear, then slips them off, too, and throws them on the side of pool.
wow. this feels amazing. someone splashes kelly, she giggles, and the other kids swim around. kelly swims by deacon seductively and he smiles.
hey, give me back my clothes!
no, i didn't! give them back! jake does a victory lap around the pool with deacon's underwear on the stick. everybody is laughing.
hey, watch the nads! but it's no use. the dog bites the front of the pool toy and it starts to deflate.  .  just as the headlights of a car pull into the driveway. deacon freezes. he desperately tries to cover himself with the rapidly diminishing toy being jerked away by the dog in a motion that makes it look like deacon's getting a doggie hummer. a man gets out of the car.
you know how long it's going to take to save up for a car selling porno tapes twenty bucks a pop? fred looks down.
what?
you're kidding me, right? tell me you're kidding.
great. so now we've got no girls, no car, and no money.
i'm sorry. there's nothing we can do for a while. we don't have anything new.
hey, naomi. what are you up to?
oh. i could help you. i mean, if you needed any help.
she went to paris with the french club. we're seeing other people. she laughs at his attempt at being nonchalant. but she's laughing with him, not at him, and deacon can tell the difference. he relaxes.
look, can you please stop calling me that? i think we're old enough to just let it go. all right?
look, mom. i need a car.
i need a car of my own.
jesus, mom. i'm seventeen now. i think i can handle it.
shut up. i figured out how to get back on the tony montana track.  so, i'm at the zoo today.
and these monkeys are doing it. i mean, they're going wild. and miss ariel is videotaping it.
that's when it hit me. just then, a glob of "something" shoots out towards the crowd . everyone ducks, except for roger, who's can't move quickly enough in his wheelchair. it hits him in the face, dripping down his orthodontia.
well, roger actually.
let's make one.
a movie.
no, you moron. a porno film. fred lights up.
and check this out. the best part of all, is i've got an angle.
we can make pornos that cater to guys like us.
yes. adult films made by virgins for virgins.
right. no shots of sweaty guys' faces.
no, matt. we'll shoot it on your video camera. we're not getting any expensive equipment.
i don't know. we'll surf the net. we'll figure it out. they look at each other for a beat. finally, fred and matt crack up.
what?
i'm serious about this.
do you have any idea how much money we'd make? a beat.
enough for a car. enough for more camera shit. to take girls out. i don't know. for whatever we want. beat. beat. beat. they're thinking about it.
it's a free market transaction between consenting adults. what's the problem?
guys, tell me the truth. haven't you ever wondered.  haven't you ever imagined what it would be like to make one?
look. this is an opportunity we shouldn't let slip away. if we make this movie, it could be the best year of our lives. we'll go in boys and come out men. and at the end, we'll have the money, the power, and the women. but you losers would rather play it safe. well, i'm not going to waste another minute. i'm making this porno movie with or without you. and when i show up at school in my new set of wheels, and you two limp dicks are begging me for my sloppy seconds, i'll just have to tell you, "sorry, guys. that ship has sailed. you blew it." ringing silence.
thanks.
no, matt.
how much money do we need?
yes, matt.
no, matt. a nurse walks in.
then whose name should we use? just then, mr. greitzer comes into the office.
no way.
and he'll never find out?
okay. cool. the nurse returns.
what do you mean?
guys. those kind of names are just for the actors.
okay, fine. then i'm sam .  slam. sam slam. the back door man. matt and fred look at each other, then deacon.
sorry, balls. i guess i'm still new at this.
yeah. 345 remson. that's right. great. wednesday, three to five. looking forward to working with you, too. he hangs up and returns to the kitchen to see the whole family staring at him, curious.
i'm tutoring someone .  in math. to earn money for a car. he forces a smile.
no, we don't pay bus fare. jump cut to:
we're ready. over. matt picks up his walkie talkie.
take a seat please.
don't worry. we're old enough.
okay, then. i think we have what we need. we'll call you. she's confused.
no, i don't think that will be necessary at this time.
i say we make them from hawaii.
it's perfect. do you know what a hawaii driver's license looks like?
exactly.
vacation. people from cleveland vacation in hawaii, where do you think people from hawaii go? matt and fred look at each other. they shrug, then,
hey, mom. can i borrow the car?
but, mom. you said i could use the car, but it's never free.
out.
oh, yeah. he starts the ignition, and an easy listening tune blasts on the radio, ruining the moment. the guys look at each other for a beat, then deacon quickly changes the station to a rocking song, and get back into the mood for adventure.
oh, yeah. they pull out and drive off.
we're on business, he's on vacation. he hands the i.d.'s back.
sorry?
look. we have to get into this strip bar.
twenty-seven.
we've got money. deacon pulls out a wad of cash. the bouncer looks around, then thinks about it for a second.
uh, same. she leaves.
what's a seven and seven?
to after school special.
actually, we're filmmakers. we're here looking for new talent.
yeah, we're looking for some beautiful ladies looking to break into film. you interested?
look. we're paying top dollar, hetero only, no anal, and we're distributing through our web site.
aren't you? you know we're going to need two forms of i.d. to prove you're over eighteen.
what are you guys doing?
will that work?
it doesn't really have to be one of us, though, does it? he grabs the yearbook. insert: roger's face, as balls mclongcock, proudly displayed on the web site, hawking the first feature film of after school special with the motto, "by virgins, for virgins." a quick knock on the door and deacon's mom comes in.
what are you doing here?
no.
you can't prove anything.
no, that's not a good idea.
forget it.
okay. i think we're ready here. fred awkwardly picks up the boom and puts his earphones on.
i guess so. they return to position.
close up.
close up.
not now, fred. jake. jake comes out of the bathroom dressed as the yearbook editor.
jake, you okay?
come on, jake. we're filming.
um, okay. ashley, maybe you can help him out. she grabs his joint and jake freezes. he remains motionless, focusing every ounce of mental control on keeping the floodgates closed. approximately one point three seconds later.
jake? what's happened? jake, humiliated, runs to put on his shorts.
calm down, jake. we can shoot this scene again. just relax. we can splice it together.
no way.
no. you do it. a beat.
matt. stop it.
no. we can get someone else.
good issue. beat.
you ever think about getting into film? way uncomfortable, the guy puts the magazine down and makes a beeline for the door.
where are you going, man? the guy is out the door. deacon.
don't you want to get it on with a sexy lady?!? matt and fred are sitting on the curb with some slurpies, bummed.
are you okay?
really? i didn't think you got embarrassed about anything. she smiles at deacon, cheered up by the inadvertent compliment. the bus honks for deacon.
well, i guess i should go.
what?
oh. he turns around and she changes her shirt behind him. deacon can't help but sneak a peek.
yeah, i'm working on this project at home.
really?
okay. cool. the bus honks for deacon again.
matt, what's wrong?
and?
how many?
a thousand?
holy shit! deacon high-fives the other two. they're all stoked.
uh, i can't tonight guys.
it's this thing i have to go to.
no. look, it's this party naomi invited me to.
uh.  okay. i guess that's cool. an awkward beat.
i want you guys to come. it's just, i don't know. i kind of had this vibe from naomi.
yeah. okay. that's cool. look, it's at mark and j.t. slistak's house. i'll see you guys there. i've got to get back to class.
so?
no. there's someone else i'd rather see.  he looks into her eyes, waiting to see if the limb he's out on is going to break. she smiles. it's working. just then,
what was that all about?
tell me about it.
well at least you were smart enough to dump him. i mean, you deserve someone who will treat you .  i don't know. really well.
i've been wanting to do that for a long time.
hey, where's coop?
good one, spock. i can't understand why you're not more popular with the ladies.
okay. okay. all right already. he pulls off his shirt and approaches ashley with a pizza box from out of nowhere.
and maybe i could throw in the sausage for free. deacon shows no enthusiasm for what's happening down below.
s'up?
yeah. they said there's going to be a massive eruption next year. fred starts laughing.
what?
what?
what?
wait. why do you want us to kiss?
what? deacon looks over at the camera. it's ashley filming. panic! he slowly looks down at the person he and fred are having sex with. he can barely look. it's matt!
aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! cut to:
where the hell is coop? there's no way i'm making out with fred. then coop comes out of the bathroom and sees everyone staring at deacon.
hang on. relax. it was just this stupid dream i had.
no. well, yes. and we were both having sex with you. but it was just a dream so let's forget it. everyone is a little uneasy at this admission. deacon quickly changes the subject.
what's with the light?
okay. relax.
fine.
hey. can i ask you a question? fred shrugs. the memory of the nightmare is wreaking havoc with deacon's conscience.
do you ever think maybe we've gotten ourselves in a little over our heads with all of this?
where is it?
it's not working! matt thinks about it for a second.
large load.
mom! dad! what are you doing home?
i, uh.  deacon's mind is racing. then,
yes, my girlfriend.
their dates stood them up?
dad, don't. let me take responsibility. we'll pay to have it fixed. deacon's dad looks at ashley again. he can't hide his pride.
i think ashley's busy tonight--
isn't that funny? the doorbell rings.
i'll get it.
what are you doing here?
now's not a good time.
nothing. let's talk later. he tries to close the door, but she stops it.
shut up, max!
i can explain. naomi walks into the kitchen with max.
are you insane? i've been fantasizing about naomi feldman since the seventh grade.
so what should i do?
yeah, pretty much. he looks down.
so, i guess this means you're not my girlfriend anymore.
no, i don't think that's a good idea.
matt and fred will get really mad. we're not supposed to tell anyone.
no offense, but the female point of view doesn't really matter in these films. she looks at him, pouting.
okay. okay. 76 close on a computer monitor displaying the a.s.s. website. 76 the cursor is clicking through the various pages: text stories, pictures of the set, still photos of ashley and coop, etc. but more importantly, the "hits" counter looks like the odometer on a rocket ship. pull back to reveal.
naomi is my girlfriend.
and i wanted her to help out. give the script a female point of view. fred pulls deacon aside.
what?
are you okay?
coop's the one that smacked her.
like what?
oh. oh yeah. of course.
of course i do.
it's my first time.
i don't know. it was weird. is it supposed to be so weird?
of course i do.
what are we doing here?
i don't need any new clothes.
naomi. wait. stop. he stops her.
i have to meet up with matt and fred this afternoon. i already blew them off yesterday.
but what about matt and fred?
what's going on? are we going to find another girl? what?
yeah. about what?
i know. i do, too.
okay. i know what this is about, guys. i'm sorry about naomi.
then what is it?
you don't understand. fred cuts to the chase.
fine. go ahead without me.
fine.
i wanted to say i'm sorry.
for blowing you guys off.
no, it's not. it's just sometimes i feel like the whole world is passing us by and we're just sitting still. i don't know. anyway, i'm sorry.
naomi and i did it the other night.
no, it's true.
good. at first. but then i kept thinking about all the pornos. trying to hit the right spots, positions. i don't know. after a while it kind of seemed like work.
i don't know. maybe we should just call it quits.
what are you doing here?
well, actually we were--
rachael?
good. good. how was france?
so, how's john baldwin? rachael goes white.
everybody knows.
you didn't?
how does it look?
are you done with it?
that was pretty gross.
take it easy, fred.
no. matt's right. this movie was a mistake.
come on, fred. didn't you think this movie was going to be .  i don't know, sexy? fred looks at the other two for a beat, not sure what to say. finally, he smiles.
the aerostar's not so bad.
thanks.
congratulations. deacon hugs her.
hang on, guys. i'll be right back. he leaves fred and matt alone with ashley.
i don't know. good, i guess.
yeah. she was.
i don't want to. i don't know. it's not like it was when i was with rachael. rachael and i used to talk about stuff. we just, i don't know, connected.
what do you mean?
yeah, i guess i did. so i have to do this, don't i?
there's something i want to talk to you about.
i've been thinking. maybe we should see other people.
well, i mean, we don't really have anything in common. and we don't really even get along.
listen to what i'm saying, naomi.
yeah. i guess so.
i won't. you can tell people you dumped me if you want.
sure. what do i care?
just don't tell anyone about the movies. all right? she smiles.
no one's listening to you, jake. give it a rest. jake gets down to confront the guys.
the web site is in someone else's name. all our records are encrypted. there's no tracing it to us, jerk off.
did you make a copy of it?
you sent the original tape to my parents?
jesus.
noted. guys. we've got a problem.
who the hell are you?
fred!
wait! wait! wait!
we'll give you the website if you let us go. vic looks at mike for a second, then shrugs. mike closes the hedge clippers and they untie the kids and let them down. deacon pulls up his pants.
nothing.
what except? there's no except!
no, matt!
guys!
it's a minivan! it can't go that fast!
no, i just--
mom, dad.
wait--
i can explain.
if you'll just give me a chance.
is that what this is about? my biology class? it's just a stupid midterm grade.
mom, dad. i'm seventeen now. i'm driving. i've got a girlfriend. well, actually, we broke up. but you guys treat me like a kid. is it too much to ask for to be a normal teenager with a normal life?
no. naomi. look. i just want to have fun with my friends, okay? they look him over. finally,
i won't. relieved, he walks out into the foyer. max appears from around the corner with the tape. they walk together.
how much do you know?
done. did you know all along?
my advice is to go slow. if you feel you're losing control, just try to relax. don't worry. it's easier than it looks. pull back to reveal we're in
this is for me?
thanks, guys. really.
speak for yourself, guys.
yeah. but i think it worked out better this way.
i thought i told you not to call me that anymore.
some people never learn. matt pulls out a funky remote control. he hits a button and all the monitors come on up and down the hallway. students stop to look up at them.
you know, guys, i've been thinking about something.
about how making the movie didn't turn out to be so fun. i think i figured out why. they stop at their lockers.
sex is like a comic book, still in the original wrapper. once you open it up and read it, it loses its value.
exactly. the fun part about high school is unravelling the mystery of what's going to happen next. the guys smile and dial the combinations on their lockers. in the background, jake is still on the ground crying. we track through the hallway, outside.