this is unwatchable. it's not even in focus. and geez, look, the boom mike is in the shot. this is really shoddy work. 1c int. william wall high school - a. v room - day 1c the door leads into this room, as we continue on to a tv monitor displaying a sweaty guy's ugly face.
will that work?
all great directors start this way. i'm documenting the essence of high school. teenagers running to meet their destiny only to find it's just home room. it's very existential.
yeah. i took my camera to gym class with me.
something wrong? deacon lets out a deep breath.
so? they reach the bike rack and start unlocking their bikes.
ooh. good movie.
were you surprised?
really?
actually, we were expecting a lot more people. fred elbows him.
what?
why?
he's got a point.
ask her if she has any unusual hats. girls like that. deacon gives matt a dirty look.
what?
tony montana would be very disappointed. deacon is once again.
your dad really knows his firewalls. deacon bursts into the room.
one what?
great! that's perfect! i've already got an idea for a kind of sci-fi horror thing. it's like "the shining" meets "the jetsons."
with good cinematography.
these have to be nicely edited. we should shoot on super 16 and transfer to video.
and the guys.
we can't make a porno movie.
like how much?
he's got a point, deacon.
not really. deacon turns to fred, who looks guilty.
that was a really good speech, deacon.
did you work that out before?
i've got it. "after school special." they look at him. it's perfect.
that's it? does that include the sex?
so how do we get women for this movie?
are we supposed to have sex with these women?
let's use principal taggert's name.
oh, you mean like "johnny hardmember"?
ooh, i like it.
you're just jealous that you don't have a cool porno name like us.
that name sucks.
thanks. you sound sexy, too. jump cut to: the guys are getting excited.
when you have sex with a strange man, do you imagine it's like your boyfriend or something? she just looks at him.
roger. over. he looks at his clipboard and turns to the first woman.
you can go in now. she gets up and walks through the curtain.
maybe if we put another ad in and say we're only looking for good looking models.
hawaii?
no.
aloha.
the next two years of high school depend on it.
sixteen. fred smacks him.
i'll have a seven and seven.
i don't know. but i heard that guy over there order one and i like the way it sounds. numerical. the waitress comes back with their drinks. he pays her and then they raise their glasses.
it tastes like poison. a beautiful stripper in an american flag bikini approaches.
cool.
you want mine? she laughs.
we're from hawaii.
video actually. they won't let me shoot on film. deacon pulls out his wad of cash.
shouldn't we audition her first?
i don't know. but it's kind of fun. we just wrote this whole thing about the girls' locker room.
you're not putting my picture up there.
they're not whores if we film them, you moron. deacon can't believe matt just blew it. fred smacks him.
a stripper. her name's ashley. he pulls out ashley's picture from his manila folder. jake checks it out. his eyes go wide and suddenly he's their new best friend.
so, um, i'll be directing.
okay. so i want you to play this very understated. it's a very visceral scene, so it's important not to play it too over the top.
boom in position.
ashley, get into position. matt gets behind the camera. they whisper conspiratorially. one last reality check before they take the leap.
so, um, we're starting with the masturbation and then phillip, the yearbook editor, is going to surprise you.
and .  action.
what?
oh yeah. right. and matt zooms in. ashley continues moaning and as matt gets closer, the camera starts shaking. he can't keep his hands steady.
okay, cut! she turns off her performance like a light switch.
uh, no. you were great. i think i've got what i need there. i want to set up for jake.
action. jake opens a makeshift door to the office.
cut. perfect. okay, then. let's get to the, uh, sexual material. jake pulls off his pants and starts to look a little nervous. he stands in the corner, trying to psyche himself up.
and action! but jake is still standing there, not in the shot. he's starting to sweat.
action, jake.
action.  jake finally whips off his underwear and faces ashley.
wait! i'm not set up for that shot!
we'd have to do it like twenty times to get enough footage.
deacon. you do it.
come on. this is your big chance.
fred.
come on.
i have to run the camera.
fine. i'll do it. i'll do it for the sake of the film. hold this. he hands the camera to deacon and starts taking off his shirt. the rest of them look at matt with his shirt off.
no, i'll do it. he desperately wants someone to hold him back.
fine with me.
and that guy had real screen presence, too. just then, coop pulls up in his van and gets out.
for fixing grades for a girl.
deacon, come quick. deacon steps away from his class for a moment.
we got a few more pre-orders and a ton of hits.
guess.
we should go over the schedule for tomorrow. and make sure the script is ready. deacon's smile fades.
is it a travelling carnival?
can we come? fred picks up on deacon's hesitation. this isn't good.
we can just meet you there.
later. deacon walks back to the group.
what are you wearing to the party?
why not?
but we told deacon-- i mean, we can't just not show up. what if deacon is looking for us-- this is too complicated to explain to matt, so fred just gives in.
cool.
hey, guys. it's his sidekicks and they've got some seriously bad timing. deacon shoots them an annoyed look.
maybe he got sucked into a black hole. he chuckles to himself.
look, we're wasting time. deacon, why don't you just go in there? deacon balks at first, then looks over at ashley, lying there.
come on.
and action!
fred, you get in there, too.
yeah, it'll be a great shot. fred takes off his shorts and walks over to the other side of the bed. ashley is offscreen, presumably lying on the bed. the two guys are facing each other.
hey, quit the chatter.
hey, why don't you guys kiss?
you know. make out with each other.
because that's what guys do in gay porn.
more sausage please.
you dreamed about making out with fred?
it's a "special effect." if you want this film to look amateurish, you're going to have to get someone else to do it.
action. matt starts his cheesy "projector light effect" and coop takes a seat next to ashley.
wait, it's hot! too late. deacon touches the cord, screams, and reels back, knocking the light over. it explodes onto the floor. the carpet bursts into flames.
quick, get the fire extinguisher!
over there! he spots it in the corner and grabs it. meanwhile the flames are growing. deacon comes over and aims the extinguisher at the flames. he depresses the lever. nothing.
oh. me and fred used it when we wrote the foamy cat fight script last week.
hurry! deacon turns the dial to "large load," pauses and chuckles to himself.
deacon! hurry! deacon snaps out of it and grabs the laundry detergent bottle. he scoops up some water and runs into the other room. 72b int. basement set - day 72b he throws the soapy water onto the fire and matt. the fire goes out, but matt's not too happy about getting soaked. 73 int. deacon's house - kitchen - day 73 coop is looking down the stairs to the basement. fred is freaking out. ashley is still topless but covering herself up, having just put on her panties. she goes to put on her shirt when
we had a small fire, mrs. lewis. i tipped over a candle. it was to set the right mood.
okay, people. places everybody. let's try to do this with a little heart, okay? and action. everyone turns to their scripts and starts the rehearsal.
he's not a geek. he's the math team captain.
um, and the director is the only one who's allowed to say "cut."
oh, sure. why don't we throw out the script while we're at it and "improvise."
we want to make this movie.
that's okay, deacon.
no way!
i find that extremely difficult to believe. deacon laughs.
cut. that's a wrap.
it looks great. it's the best porno film i've ever made.
well, i cut together some footage to give to ashley for her reel, but i don't think i can finish this film.
i can't even watch it. every time i turn it on, i keep thinking about that tuna fish sandwich and coop farting all day long.
that's just it. the movie looks great, but seeing everything else -- all the disgusting, nasty stuff -- that's what's taken all the fun out of it. and i just don't want to do it any more.
you know what? fuck you, fred. you're the wuss here. at least i don't have to whack off every time i see a girl in the hallway. fred shoves matt.
no, you shut up! for once in your life, be a man and admit this movie was a mistake.
if you didn't like making the movie, why didn't you say something?
scar face is just a stupid movie, fred. fred smiles.
so what do we do with this? he holds up the tape. 98 ext. amusement park - night 98 the tape is burning in the center of a huge bonfire. a massive party is raging. tons of teenagers are dancing, drinking, and having a good time rocking to a live band. at the center of it all are matt, fred, and deacon are finally enjoying themselves.
wow. that's great, ashley.
really?
you should probably avoid pissing her off.
please don't kill us, mr. porno man.
we've got pre-orders! mike stops and looks back at vic.
we pre-sold copies of our video.
no. sixty-three thousand, two hundred twelve.
and.
and you have to maintain the artistic vision of after school special.
the key is to try and remember what it was like before you had sex. what did you used to fantasize about? a math teacher who bends over a little too far. the door to the girls' locker room open just a sliver. going over to visit your friend and catching his mother coming out of the shower.
not you. deacon's mom.
it's been a pleasure doing business with you, mr. .
it's not even in focus. this is really shoddy work. deacon takes it back from him.
so, guys. i decided i'm going to apply to nyu next year. the film school.
good idea, balls. the guys start laughing.
tony montana would be pissed. just then, rachael spots them and walks over.
that could work, you know, depending on my schedule.
you probably shouldn't have mailed that tape back to us. the video starts repeating in continuous loop, but has been edited to sound like a rap song.
i think he's got something there. making that movie felt like we were tampering with forces we couldn't possibly understand.