yes.
no i don't.
that wasn't me.
no i'm not.
let's talk about something else.
i don't know.
yes.
god! but there's nothing to say about god.
love.
yes.
everyone.
right now?
i love you.
yes.
oh, there are so many.
oh, yes!
oh, i know he does.
no. but.  when i look into his eyes, i can tell.
yes.
at least once a week.
oh, yes.
in the confessional.
you want to talk about the baby don't you?
i never saw any baby.  i think they made it up.
i don't know.
no. i was sick.
something i ate.
yes.
down.  there.
i went to my room.
i got sicker.
i fell asleep.
yes.
what baby?
from their heads.
no, they say it came from the waste paper basket!
from god.
i.  i don't understand.
don't you know?
i don't understand what you're talking about.  you want to talk about the baby.  everybody wants
no.  no, i'm tired of talking, i've been talking for weeks, nobody believes me when i tell them anything.  nobody listens to me.
no.  no, i don't want to answer any more questions.
what do you mean?
anything?
what's your real name?
are you married?
would you like to be?
do you have any children?
would you like some?
why not?
why do you smoke?
no questions.
one.
where do you think babies come from?
well i think they come from.  angel lights on their mothers chest and whispers into her ear. that makes good babies start to grow. and bad babies come from when a fallen angel squeezes in down there, and they start to grow, grow, till they come out down there. i don't know where good babies come out. and you can't tell the difference.  except bad babies cry a lot.  and they make their fathers go away.  and their mothers get very ill.  die sometimes.
no.  do you?
i don't know.
i've been commanded by god.
no.
yes.
i can't say.
she'd punish me.
no.
because i'm getting fat.
i am, there's too much flesh on me.
i'm a blimp.
because.
i do, i have to be attractive to god.
no he doesn't. he hates fat people.
it's a sin to be fat.
look at the statues, they're thin.
that's because they're suffering.  suffering is beautiful, i want to be beautiful.
christ said it in the bible, he said - suffer the little children, i want to suffer like a little child.
i.  i am a little child but my body keeps getting bigger and soon i.  i won't be able to fit in, i.  i won't be able to squeeze into heaven.
no.  i mean.  i mean look at these. i've got to lose weight, i'm a blimp.
god blew up the hindenburg. he'll blow me up, that's what she said.
mommy i'll get bigger and bigger every day and then i'll pop but.  but if i stay little it won't happen.
but she watches.  she listens.
i'm not hungry.
no i don't.  the host is enough.
of god.
i'm being punished.
i don't know.
it started this morning and i can't get it to stop.
last tuesday, i didn't eat all of my lima beans.  hid them under my spoon.
i thought.  thoughts.  about.
i thought ugly thoughts about sister marguerite.
she was kind to me. she told me i was beautiful.
she said all of god's angels would want to sleep beside me if they could. i liked that.
no, only when she felt like it. she brought me up here last winter and the next day she died.
oh, they frighten me, i'm afraid i'll drop them. they have a soft spot on their heads and if you drop them so they land on their heads they become stupid. i was dropped on my head, that's why i don't understand things.
numbers.  you can spend your whole life counting and never reach the end.
i hope not. it's a terrible thing to be dropped on your head.
she said you could see the whole world from up here. but it looks much better far away than it looks close up.
and sometimes i get under here.  it makes a wonderful sound.
oh, it's even more wonderful then.
where did you go?
no. there is nothing else. just being here at night helps me sleep.
i get headaches. mommy did too.  oh, but she wasn't stupid. she knew things that nobody else knew.
she knew what was going to happen to me. that's why she hid me away.
somebody told her.
i don't know.
you'll laugh.
an angel, when she was having one of her headaches.
no.
no.
no, but i can never tell her that.
she'd get angry.
yes.
i could never be a mother.
well i don't think i'm old enough and besides i don't want to have a baby.
because i don't want one.
from someone who didn't want to have a baby.
no, not like me!
a mistake.
a mistake.  it was a mistake.
if you're trying to get me to say that she was a bad woman and hated me and didn't want me but that's not true, she was a good woman, a saint.
i can't help it if i'm stupid.
not my fault.
i was a mistake.
everything.  i don't have children.
don't touch me like that! you don't touch me like that, i know what you want from me, you want to take god away. you should be ashamed, they should lock you up people like you.
yes mother.
in the medieval days the nuns and monks would sleep in their own coffins.
it made them holy.
no.
i burnt them.
they were stained.
yes, mother.
it's not that.  it's not that.
it's not my time of month.
i don't know. i don't know what happened mother, i woke up.  there was blood on the sheets, but i don't know what happened. i don't know what i did wrong, i don't know and i should be punished.
i don't know.  i don't know.
i'm not sick.
that's because you keep reminding me. if you go away then i'll forget.
everyone's unhappy, you're unhappy aren't
answer me! you never answer me.
only you think you're lucky because you didn't have a mother who said things to you and did things to you that maybe weren't always nice but that was because of me, because i was bad, not her.
i'm always bad.
i breathed!
no.
i can't.
yes.
she can.
she watches.  she listens.
she.
 makes me.
 take off my clothes and then.  she makes fun of me.
yes.
yes.
she says my whole body's a mistake.
because she says if i don't watch out i'll have a baby.
her headaches.
and then.
she touches me down there with a cigarette. please mommy, don't touch me like that any more. i'll be good, i won't be a baby any more.
i'm afraid.
alright.
no i'm not.
yes.
no i'm not.
yes i am.
i'm not mistake, i'm here aren't i. how can i be a mistake if i'm really here. god doesn't make mistakes, you're a mistake.
do you really love me or are you just saying that?
as much as mother miriam does?
yes.
doctor livingston.
to help me.
because i'm in trouble.
i'm frightened.
of telling you.
i had a baby.
it came out of me.
yes.
no.
because i was afraid.
because i wasn't worthy.
yes.
may i open my eyes now?
it grew.
yes.
no.
i can't tell you that.
she made me promise not to.
i'm afraid.
i ate.
fish.  .  brussel sprouts.
i hate them.
we went to chapel for vespers.
i left early because i wasn't feeling very well.
someone's following me.
sister marguerite i think.
my bed.
a crucifix.
a wastepaper basket.
no.
for me to get sick in.
yes.
i feel as if i've eaten glass.
i have to throw up.
i don't know which one
of me. oh.  god! my god.  water.  it's all water.
they can't hear me that's why. oh god.  i don't wanna.
please get away from me.
go away, i don't want you here.
no.  don't hit me please.
frightened.
yes.
yes.
yes.
she said michael.
the statue. she had shown it to me the day before.
yes.
so i could go to him.
him.
she'd seen him too.
from the belltower the day she before she died.
yes.
he's here.
yes.
hallo.
 where are you?
is it you?
halos.
 dividing and dividing feathers and starts, falling, falling into the iris of god's eye. oh.  oh!.  it's.  it's so lovely.  it's so.  blue.  yellow.  blood wings, brown, blood.
his blood.  my god.
it's bleeding.  i'm bleeding.  my god it won't stop, i can't get it to stop. let go of me, i wish you were dead.
stay away from me.
no.
not your fault.
i hate him.
i hate him for what he did to me.
for what he made me go through.
i hate him.
god! it was god. and now i'll burn in hell because i hate him.
it was dead.
i don't remember.
yes!
yes.
yes.
yes.
she.  left me alone with that little thing, and i looked at it, and i thought this is a mistake. but it's my mistake, not mommy's. god's mistake.
i put her to sleep.
i tied the cord around her neck.  wrapped her in the bloody sheets.  and stuffed her in the trash can.
i stood in the window of my room every night for a week. and one night i heard the most beautiful voice imaginable. and when i looked i saw the moon shining down on him. for six nights he sang to me, songs i'd never heard. and on the seventh night he opened his wings and lay on top of me. all the while he sang - charlie sweet.  charlie sweet.  charlie's a.