hi. "well, now mis' channin', ah don't think you can rightly say we lost the wah, we was mo' stahved out, you might say - an' that's what ah don' unnerstand about all these plays about love-stahved suth'n women - love is one thing we was nevah stahved for the south!" it was fort sumter they fired on- honey chili had a point. you know, i can remember plays about women - even from the south - where it never even occurred to them whether they wanted to marry their fathers more than their brothers. within your time, buster. lloyd, honey, be a playwright with guts. write me one about a nice, normal woman who shoots her husband. buy some. of course! it's the tight girdle that does it. relax, kid. it's only me and my big mouth. ain't it the truth? autograph fiends! they're not people - those little beast who run in packs like coyotes- they're nobody's fans! they're juvenile delinquents, mental detectives, they're nobody's audience, they never see a play or a movie, even - they're never indoors long enough! you've what? the heave-ho. kind of mousy trench coat and funny hat? how could i miss her? every night and matinee - well. how do you do, my dear. and this is my good friend and companion, miss birdie coonan. miss coonan. i'm sure you must have things to do in the bathroom, birdie dear. dear birdie. won't you sit down, miss worthington? i'm so sorry. harrington. won't you sit down? would you like a drink? it's right beside you. would you, really? how sweet- of course it is. there are other plays. did you see it here in new york? please. there are some human experiences, birdie, that do not take place in a vaudeville house - and that even a fifth-rate vaudevillian should understand and respect! i want to apologize for birdie's- thank you so much. show me a human and i might have! zanuck, zanuck, zanuck! what are you two - lovers? i'm a junk yard. heaven help me, i love a psychotic. she, too, is a great admirer of yours. no, don't go. stick around. please. tell you what - we'll put stanislavsky on his plane, you and i, then go somewhere and talk. i won't be a minute. i understand it's the latest thing - just one earring. if it isn't, it's going to be - i can't find the other. oh well. . look through the wigs, maybe it got caught- where's my coat? can't keep his eyes off my legs. byron couldn't have said it more graciously. here we go- see you home. they have to time it so everybody gets on at the last minute. so they can close the doors and let you sit. eve. i'd forgotten they grew that way. did she tell you about the theater and what it meant? all the religions in the world rolled into one, and we're gods and goddesses. isn't it silly, suddenly i've developed a big protective feeling for her - a lamb loose in our big stone jungle. take care of yourself out there. bill. don't get stuck on some glamour puss- you're not such a bargain, you know, conceited and thoughtless and messy- - you're a setup for some gorgeous wide-eyed young babe. i don't want to be childish, i'd settle for just a few years- am i going to lose you, bill? am i? call me when you get in. from now on it's not applause - just something to do till the aisles get less crowded. what - again? performance number one thousand of this one - if i play it that long - will take place in a well-padded booby hatch. you certainly can. especially if you're me between now and tomorrow morning. well, teacher's away and actors will be actors. when he gets too close, i'll spit in his eye. you bought the new girdles a size smaller. i can feel it. when we get home you're going to get into one of those girdles and act for two and half hours. well, you've done so much. what's new? they are lovely. aren't they lovely, birdie? just because you can't even work a zipper. it was very thoughtful, eve, and i appreciate it- don't bother. mrs. brown'll be along for it in a minute. behind in your dues? how much? well? oh-oh. eve- i think we'd better let mrs. brown pick up the wardrobe. hello. call, what call? that's right, but i don't understand- i placed? bill? have i gone crazy, bill? that i am. when - when are you coming back? - in a tin can, cellophane or wrapped in a navajo blanket, i want you home. a big hurry, be quick about it - so good night, darling, and sleep tight. bill, you know how much i do - but over the phone, now really, that's kid stuff. sing it? bill. bill, it's your birthday. happy birthday, darling. many happy returns of the day. of course, birthday and welcome home. who'll i ask? she did? yeah. i will. okay. i'll check with eve. i love you too. good night, darling- birdie- you don't like eve, do you? an answer. why not? she works hard. she's loyal and efficient- she thinks only for me. . doesn't she? how do you mean that? i'm sure that's very flattering, birdie, and i'm sure there's nothing wrong with that! very becoming. it looks better on you than it did on me. quite sure. i find it just a bit too - too "seventeenish" for me. there's the script to go back to the guild- - and those checks or whatever it is for the income tax man. it seems i can't think of a thing you haven't thought of. eve. . by any chance, did you place a call from me to bill for midnight california time? yes, dear. you forgot all about it. yes, i guess you were. it - it was very thoughtful of you, eve. don't get up. and please stop acting as if i were the queen mother. you're in a beehive, pal, didn't you know? we're all busy little bees, full of stings, making honey day and night- - aren't we, honey? please don't play governess, karen, i haven't your unyielding good taste, i wish i'd gone to radcliffe too but father wouldn't hear of it - he needed help at the notions counter. i'm being rude now, aren't i? or should i say "ain't i"? and you pose as a playwright. a situation pregnant with possibilities - and all you can think of is everybody to go to sleep. it won't play. happy little housewife. this is my house, not a theater! in my house you're a guest, not a director-! all right! i'm going to bed. you be the host. it's your party. happy birthday, welcome home, and we-who-are-about-to-die-salute-you. to put me to bed? take my clothes off, hold my head, tuck me in, turn off the lights, tiptoe out? eve would. wouldn't you, eve? i wouldn't like. my back's open. did the extra help get here? you're not being funny, i could get actors for less. what about the food? that french ventriloquist taught you a lot, didn't he? the only thing i ordered by mistake is the guests. they're domestic, too, and they don't care what they drink as long as it burns. where's bill? he's late. don't be dense. the party. well, i certainly think it's odd he hasn't even come up. don't let me kill the point. or isn't it a story for grownups? remind me to tell you about when i looked into the heart of an artichoke. some snowy night in front of the fire. in the meantime, while we're on the subject, will you check about the hors d'oeuvres? the caterer forgot them, the varnish wasn't dry or something. i thought you were going to be late- i had no idea you were even here. that never stopped you before. she's a girl of so many interests. she's a girl of so many rare qualities. so you've pointed out, so often. so many qualities, so often. her loyalty, efficiency, devotion, warmth, affection - and so young. so young and so fair. clyde fitch, thought you may not think so, was well before my time! i don't think that's funny! twenty minutes! stage-struck kid. she's a young lady - of qualities. and i'll have you know i'm fed up with both the young lady and her qualities! studying me as if - as if i were a play or a set of blueprints! how i walk, talk, think, eat, sleep! stop calling her a kid! it so happens there are particular aspects of my life to which i would like to maintain sole and exclusive rights and privileges! for instance - you! - guilty. what about her teeth? what about her fangs? cut! print it! what happens in the next reel? do i get dragged off screaming to the snake pit? thank you, eve. i'd like a martini - very dry. a milkshake? among so many quiet qualities. i'm so happy you're happy. make it bergdorf goodman. and now everything is on its proper shelf, eh, max? done up in little ribbons. i could die right now and nobody'd be confused. how about you, max? supposed you dropped dead. what about your inventory? thank you. the kid - junior, that is - will be right down. unless you'd like to take her drink up to her. what is he talking about? fasten your seat belts. it's going to be a bumpy night. darlings. i distinctly remember striking your name from the guest list. what are you doing here? i do not. how do you do? i had no idea you knew each other. eve, this is an old friend of mr. dewitt's mother - miss caswell, miss harrington. addison, i've been wanting you to meet eve for the longest time- you've heard of her great interest in the theater- then you two must have a long talk- amen. "liebestraum." play it again. then this will be five. i suppose you think i'm too drunk to count. "liebestraum." my dear horowitz. in the first place, i'm paying you union scale. second, it's my piano. third, if everybody doesn't like kind of dying on the vine, they can get off the vine and go home. "liebestraum." it hasn't been laid out, we haven't finished with the embalming. as a matter of fact, you're looking at it. the remains of margo channing. sitting up. it is my last wish to be buried sitting up. you know nothing about feelings, natural or unnatural. if my guests do not like it here, i suggest they accompany you to the nursery where i'm sure you will all feel more at home. poor max. heartburn? it's that miss caswell. i don't know why she doesn't give addison heartburn. everybody has a heart - except some people. of course i've got bicarb. there's a box in the pantry. we'll put your name on it. max fabian. it'll say there. always. just for you. i love you, max. i really mean it. i love you. come to the pantry. here you are, maxie dear. one good burp and you'll be rid of that miss caswell. miss caswell? what? well, if she can act, she might not be bad. she looks like she might burn down a plantation. when's the audition? i tell you what. why don't i read with her? anything to help you out, max. not at all. and you could do me a big favor, if you would- give eve harrington job in you office. you get quick action, don't you? you said yourself my inventory was in good shape - all of my merchandise put away. to keep her here with nothing to do - i'd be standing in her way. and you need her, max. she'd be a great help - read scripts, interview people you have to see, get rid of the ones you don't have to. you'd be a man of leisure- think of your health, max - more time to relax out in the fresh air at a race track. promise. that's my max. where is she? who's left out there? shucks. and my autograph book is at the cleaners. you disapprove of me when i'm like this, don't you? when you do, let me in on it. how's the new one coming? "cora." she's - still a girl of twenty? don't you think it's about time it became important? don't be evasive. miss channing is ageless. spoken like a press agent. spoken like an author. lloyd, i'm not twentyish. i am not thirtyish. three months ago, i was forty years old. forty. four oh. that slipped out, i hadn't quite made up my mind to admit it. now i feel as if i'd suddenly taken all my clothes off. as young as they want, you mean. and i'm not interested in whether thousands of people think i'm six or six hundred- bill's thirty-two. he looks thirty two. he looked it five years ago, he'll look it twenty years from now. i hate men. don't worry, lloyd. i'll play your play. i'll wear rompers and come in rolling a hoop if you like. let's go say good night. don't get up. and please stop acting as if i were the queen mother. why so remote, addison? i should think you'd be at the side of your protegee, lending her moral support. the ladies' - shall we say - lounge? it's good luck before an audition. she'll be all right once it starts. over? it can't be. i've come to read with her. i promised max. is it really? i must start wearing a watch, i never do, you know. who read with miss caswell? bill? lloyd? well, it couldn't have been max! who? i consider it highly unnatural to allow a girl in an advanced state of pregnancy- eve! my understudy. of course i knew. how. how was miss caswell? just slipped your mind. was she that bad? i take it she read well. how nice. a mass of music and fire. that's me. an old kazoo and some sparkles. tell me - was bill swept away, too, or were you too full of revelation to notice? how nice for lloyd. and how nice for eve. how nice for everybody. the implication being that i have not been reading them as written. terribly sorry i'm late, lunch was long and i couldn't find a cab - where's miss caswell, shall we start? oh, hello, eve. how are you making out in mr. fabian's office? i don't want you working the child too hard, max - just because you promised. as you see, i kept my promise, too. what's all over? eve? how enchanting. wherever did you get the idea of having eve read with miss caswell? eve? eve, my understudy? but i had no idea. it seems almost inconceivable that i haven't seen her backstage, but with so many people loitering around. well, well. so eve is not working for max after all- - max you sly puss. really, eve? why? why not? what a pity, all that fire and music being turned off. you wouldn't understand. how was miss caswell? i'm sure you underestimate yourself, eve. you always do. you were about to tell me about eve. i'm sure. to you, too? i mean, among other things, that it must have been a revelation to have your twenty-four-year-old character played by twenty-four-year-old actress. it's right to the point. also that it must have sounded so new and fresh to you - so exciting to have the lines read as you wrote them! so full of meaning, fire and music! - in this case, apparently, as trustworthy as the world almanac! not mouse, never mouse! if anything - rat! perfectly innocent! man have been hanged for less! i'm lied to, attacked behind my back, accused of reading your silly dialogue inaccurately - as if it were holy gospel! then you listened as if someone else had written you play - whom did you have in mind? sherwood? arthur miller? beaumont and fletcher? and they're getting better performances today than they ever got! all playwrights should be dead for three hundred years! you can change this star any time you want! for a new, fresh, exciting one fully equipped with fire and music! any time you want - starting with tonight's performance! are you threatening me with legal action, mr. fabian? answer my question! i didn't hear you. not until the last drugstore has sold its last pill! usually at the point when she's got to rewrite and rethink them to keep the audience from leaving the theater! and you, i take it, are the paderewski who plays his concerto on me, the piano? where is princess fire-and-music? the kid. junior. i must have frightened her away. poor little flower. just dropped her petals and folded her tent. i mix what i like. i'm nothing but a body with a voice. no mind. the ex-ship news' reporter. no body, no voice, all mind! i will not calm down! you're being terribly tolerant, aren't you? well, you needn't. i will not be tolerated. and i will not be plotted against! such nonsense, what do you all take me for - little nell from the country? been my understudy for over a week without my knowing, carefully hidden no doubt- - shows up for an audition when everyone knew i'd be here. and gives a performance! out of nowhere - gives a performance! the playwright doesn't make the performance - and it doesn't just happen! and this one didn't - full of fire and music and whatnot, it was carefully rehearsed i have no doubt, over and over, full of those bill sampson touches! paranoiac! tell that to dr. freud! along with the rest of it. that word again! i don't even know what it means. it's obvious you're not a woman. well, i am. don't be condescending. i admit i may have seen better days, but i am still not to be had for the price of a cocktail - like a salted peanut. the terms are too high. unconditional surrender. it's not nonsense. i wish it were. i wouldn't want you to marry me just to prove something. i - i don't know, bill. just a feeling, i don't know. bill. . where are you going? to find eve? that little place just two hours form new york. it's on my list of things-i'll-never-understand. like collecting shrunken indian heads. peace and quit is for libraries. karen and i just don't want an accident- it's not important whether you do. we are wearing long underwear. how much time have we? how far to the station? any houses or farms around where we can borrow gas? not many car either, not much chance of a lift. how fortunate that i have an understudy so ready, so willing and so able to go on. thank you, lloyd. godspeed. it seems to me that walking, for most people, is not very dangerous. be brave. he'll come back - with or without gas. do you want it on? i detest cheap sentiment. karen. i haven't been pleasant this weekend. come to think of it, i haven't been very pleasant for weeks. for that, i'm truly sorry. more than any two people i know, i don't want you and lloyd to be angry with me. so many people - know me. i wish i did. i wish someone would tell be about me. and what is that? besides something spelled out in light bulbs, i mean. besides something called temperament, which consists mostly of swooping about on a broomstick creaming at the top of my voice. infants behave the way i do, you know. they carry on and misbehave - they'd get drunk if they knew how - when they can't have what they want. when they feel unwanted and insecure - or unloved. what about bill? more than anything in this world, i love bill. and i want bill. i want him to want me. but me. not margo channing. and if i can't tell they apart - how can he? bill's in love with margo channing. he's fought with her, worked with her, loved her. but ten years from now - margo channing will have ceased to exist. and what's left will be. what? those years stretch as the years go on. i've seen it happen too often. isn't that what they always say? i don't suppose the heater runs when the motor doesn't? about eve. i've acted pretty disgracefully toward her, too. let's not fumble for excuses, not here and now with my hair down. at best, let's say i've been oversensitive to. well, to the fact that she's so young - so feminine and helpless. to so many things i want to be for bill. funny business, a woman's career. the things you drop on your way up the ladder, so you can move faster. you forget you'll need them again when you go back to being a woman. that's one career all females have in common - whether we like it or not - being a woman. sooner or later we've all got to work at it, no matter what other careers we've had or wanted. and, in the last analysis, nothing is any good unless you can look up just before dinner or turns around in bed - and there he is. without that, you're not woman. you're something with a french provincial office or a book full of clippings - but you're not a woman. . slow curtain. the end. about what? don't give it another thought, one of destiny's many pranks. after all, you didn't personally drain the gasoline out of the tank. ". my hat which has, lo, these many seasons become more firmly rooted about my ears, is lifted to miss harrington. i am once more available for dancing in the streets and shouting from the housetops." . i thought that one went out with woollcott. down here. here, listen to this- ". miss harrington had much to tell - and these columns shall report her faithfully - about the lamentable practice in our theater of permitting, shall we say - mature - actresses to continue playing roles requiring a youth and vigor of which they retain but a dim memory-" it get better! "- about the understandable reluctance on the part of our entrenched first ladies of the stage to encourage, shall we say - younger - actresses; about miss harrington's own long and unsupported struggle for opportunity-" in this rat race, everybody's guilty till they're proved innocent! one of the differences between the theater and civilization. . what gets me is how all of those papers in town happened to catch that particular performance! the little witch must have had indians runners out snatching critics out of bars, steam rooms and museums or wherever they hole up. well, she won't get away with it! nor will addison dewitt and his poison pen! if equity or my lawyer can't or won't do anything about it, i will personally stuff that pathetic little lost lamb down mr. dewitt's ugly throat. hear, hear. he does not exaggerate. i was good. too bad. glory hallelujah. yes, sir. i'll marry you if it turns out you have no blood at all. something simple. a fur coat over a nightgown. lloyd, i want you to be big about this. the world is full of love tonight, no woman is safe. "please forgive me for butting into what seems such a happy occasion - but it's most important that i speak with you. please" - it's underlined - "meet me in the ladies' room. eve." pass me the empty bottle. i may find her. why, look. there's rasputin. encore du champagne. that's what i said, bub. karen, in all the years of our friendship, i have never let you go to the ladies' room alone. but now i must. i am busting to know what goes on in that feverish little brain waiting there. with tears? but not right away? first the business of fighting them off, chin up, stout fella. very classy stuff, lots of technique- groom- - may i have a wedding present? i want everybody to shut up about eve. just shut up about eve, that's all i want. give karen more wine. . never have i been so happy. isn't this a lovely room? the cub room. what a lovely, clever name. where the elite meet. never have i seen so much elite - and all with their eyes on me. waiting for me to crack that little gnome over the noggin with a bottle. but not tonight. even eve. i forgive eve. there they go. there goes eve. eve evil, little miss evil. but the evil that men do - how does it go, groom? something about the good they leave behind - i played it once in rep in wilkes barre. you know why i forgive eve? because she's left good behind - the four of us, together like this, it's eve's fault - i forgive her. and bill. especially bill. eve did that, too. she is a louse. groom. you know what i'm going to be? a married lady. i'm going to have a home. not just a house i'm afraid to stay in. and a man to go with it. i'll look up at six o'clock - and there he'll be. remember, karen? you'll be there, won't you. a foursquare, upright, downright, forthright married lady. that's for me. and no more make believe! off stage or on. remember, lloyd. i mean it, now. grown-up women only, i might even play a mother - only one child, of course, not over eight. lloyd, will you promise not to be angry with me? i mean really, deeply angry. well. i don't want to play "cora." now wait a minute, you're always so touchy about his plays, it isn't the part - it's a great part. and a fine play. but not for me anymore - not a foursquare, upright, downright, forthright married lady. it means i've finally got a life to live! i don't have to play parts i'm too old for - just because i've got nothing to do with my nights! i know you've made plans. i'll make it up to you, believe me. i'll tour a year with this one, anything - only you do understand - don't you, lloyd? nice speech, eve. but i wouldn't worry too much about your heart. you can always put that award where your heart ought to be.