who are you looking for?
gross. i hate it when my mom does that.
oh. hi.
thanks.
we're going out for pizza.
thanks.  but i have a car.
i think it's sweet. and i think he and your mother have not had sex in a long time.
it's okay. i'm used to guys drooling over me. it started when i was about twelve, i'd go out to dinner with my parents. every thursday night, red lobster. and every guy there would stare at me when i walked in. and i knew what they were thinking. just like i knew guys at school thought about me when they jerked off.
no, i liked it. and i still like it. if people i don't even know look at me and want to fuck me, it means i really have a shot at being a model. which is great, because there's nothing worse in life than being ordinary.
oh, i know. because everything that was meant to happen, does. eventually.
hello? hello?
why'd you call me?
well, my phone just rang and i answered it and somebody hung up and then i star sixty-nined and it called you back.
i'm serious, he just pulled down his pants and yanked it out. you know, like, say hello to mr. happy.
it wasn't gross. it was kind of cool.
of course i did. he is a really well- known photographer? he shoots for elle on like, a regular basis? it would have been so majorly stupid of me to turn him down.
hey. that's how things really are. you just don't know, because you're this pampered little suburban chick.
cunt! i am so sick of people taking their insecurities out on me.
him? jane. no way. he's a total lunatic.
yeah. we were on the same lunch shift when i was in ninth grade, and he would always say the most random, weird things, and then one day, he was just like, gone. and then, connie cardullo told me he his parents had to put him in a mental institution.
what do you mean?
you total slut. you've got a crush on him.
you were defending him! you love him. you want to have like, ten thousand of his babies.
what a freak. and why does he dress like a bible salesman?
i don't believe him. i mean, he didn't even like, look at me once.
i should say hi to your dad. i don't want to be rude.
nice suit.
you're looking good, mr. burnham.
last time i saw you, you looked kind of wound up. ooh, is that root beer?
i love root beer, don't you?
don't be. i think it's funny.
your mom's the one who's embarrassing. what a phony.
your dad's actually kind of cute.
he is. if he just worked out a little, he'd be hot.
oh, come on. like you've never sneaked a peek at him in his underwear? i bet he's got a big dick.
if he built up his chest and arms, i would totally fuck him.
i would! i would suck your dad's big fat dick, and then i would fuck him 'til his eyes rolled back in his head! what was that noise? jane.
i swear i heard something.
i'm serious.
see?
oh my god. jane.
it's that psycho next door. jane, what if he worships you? what if he's got a shrine with pictures of you surrounded by dead people's heads and stuff?
really?
i've been waiting for you.
you've been working out, haven't you? i can tell.
i was hoping you'd give me a bath.  i'm very, very dirty.
what are you doing?
why?
i think maybe you forgot your medication today, mental boy.
well, whatever. this is boring. let's go.
are you crazy? i don't want to end up hacked to pieces in a dumpster somewhere.
yeah, see? he doesn't want to go anyway. c'mon, let's go.
what? jane, that's like, almost a mile.
so you and psycho boy are fucking on like, a regular basis now, right?
oh, come on. you can tell me. does he have a big dick?
not like what? doesn't he have one? why don't you want to talk about it? i mean, i tell you every single detail about every guy that i fuck.
oh, so now that you have a boyfriend, you're like, above it? we gotta get you a real man.
hi, mr. burnham.
wow. look at you. have you been working out?
you can really tell. look at those arms.
i--i should probably go see what jane's up to.
you are way too uptight about sex.
why not?
you guys can't be serious. you're just a kid. and he's like, a mental case. you'll end up living in a box on the street.
what, other drug dealers?
jane, you'd be out of your mind to go with him.
because you're my friend!
go fuck yourself, psycho!
jane! he is a freak!
oh, yeah? well, at least i'm not ugly.
you two deserve each other.
i hope you don't mind if i play the stereo.
not really bad, just.  strange.
jane and i had a fight. it was about you.
she's mad at me because i said i think you're sexy.
i don't know.
what do you want?
you don't think i'm ordinary?
thank you. i don't think there's anything worse than being ordinary.
this is my first time.
i'm sorry.
i still want to do it.  i just thought i should tell you.  in case you wondered why i wasn't.  better.
what's wrong? i thought you said i was beautiful.
i feel so stupid.
i'm sorry.
wow. i was starving.
no, no, no. i'm fine.
i mean, i'm still a little weirded out, but.  . i feel better. thanks.
what do you mean?
she's.  she's really happy. she thinks she's in love.
how are you?
i've gotta go to the bathroom.
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