my name is lester burnham. this is my neighborhood. this is my street. this.  is my life. i'm forty-two years old. in less than a year, i'll be dead.
of course, i don't know that yet. he rolls over, looks up at us and sighs. he doesn't seem too thrilled at the prospect of a new day.
and in a way, i'm dead already.
look at me, jerking off in the shower. this will be the high point of my day. it's all downhill from here.
that's my wife carolyn. see the way the handle on those pruning shears matches her gardening clogs? that's not an accident.
that's our next-door neighbor jim.
and that's his lover, jim.
man. i get exhausted just watching her.
she wasn't always like this. she used to be happy. we used to be happy.
my daughter jane. only child.
janie's a pretty typical teenager. angry, insecure, confused. i wish i could tell her that's all going to pass.
but i don't want to lie to her.
both my wife and daughter think i'm this gigantic loser, and.  they're right.
i have lost something. i'm not exactly sure what it is, but i know i didn't always feel this.  sedated. but you know what? it's never too late to get it back.
hello, this is lester burnham from media monthly magazine, i'm calling for mr. tamblin, please?.  well, we're all under a deadline here, uh, but you see, there is some basic information about the product launch that isn't even covered in your press release and i.  yeah. can i ask you a question? who is tamblin? does he exist? 'cause he doesn't ever seem to come in.  yeah, okay, i'll leave my number.
it's 555 0199. lester burnham. thank you!
for you, brad? i've got five.
oh, sure. times are tight, and you gotta free up cash. gotta spend money to make money. right?
like the time when mr. flournoy used the company mastercard to pay for that hooker, and then she used the card numbers and stayed at the st. regis for, what was it, like, three months?
that's fifty thousand dollars. that's somebody's salary. that's somebody who's gonna get fired because craig has to pay women to fuck him!
who's expendable.
i've been writing for this magazine for fourteen years, brad. you've been here how long, a whole month?
you don't think it's weird and kinda fascist?
oh, well, let's just all sell our souls and work for satan, because it's more convenient that way.
well, they were still mad at you for cutting down their sycamore.
so janie, how was school?
just okay?
well, you want to know how things went at my job today?
they've hired this efficiency expert, this really friendly guy named brad, how perfect is that? and he's basically there to make it seem like they're justified in firing somebody, because they couldn't just come right out and say that, could they? no, no, that would be too.  honest. and so they've asked us-- --you couldn't possibly care any less, could you?
oh, what, you're mother-of-the-year? you treat her like an employee.
i'm going to get some ice cream.
honey, i'm sorry. i.
i'm sorry i haven't been more available, i just.  i'm.
you know, you don't always have to wait for me to come to you.
i didn't say that. it's nobody's fault. janie, what happened? you and i used to be pals.
what makes you so sure she wants us to be there? did she ask us to come?
well, i bet money she's going to resent it. and i'm missing the james bond marathon on tnt.
growing? she hates me.
she hates you too.
we can leave right after this, right?
janie!
congratulations, honey, you were great.
hi, i'm lester. janie's dad.
okay, good to meet you. you were also good tonight. very.  precise.
so, what are you girls doing now?
oh really, do you need a ride? we can give you a ride. i have a car. you wanna come with us?
oh, you have a car. oh. that's great! that's great, because janie's thinking about getting a car soon too, aren't you, honey?
well, it was very nice meeting you, angela. any, uh, friend of janie's is a friend of mine.
well.  i'll be seeing you around then.
it's the weirdest thing.
i feel like i've been in a coma for about twenty years, and i'm just now waking up.
spec-tac-ular.
well, you always end up ignoring me and going off--
just say whatever you want to say and spare me the propaganda.
i am happy, honey.
oh, we've met before, actually. this thing last year. or the christmas thing at the sheraton.
it's okay. i wouldn't remember me either.
all right, honey. i won't be weird. i'll be whatever you want me to be.
we have a very healthy relationship.
well. i don't know about you, but i need a drink.
whoa. put a little more in there, cowboy.
yeah.
oh. hi, ricky fitts. i'm lester burnham.
excuse me?
did you ever see that movie, where the body's walking around holding its own head? and then the head goes down on that babe?
i think you just became my personal hero. doesn't that make you nervous, just quitting your job like that? well, i guess when you're all of, what? sixteen?
honey, this is.  ricky fitts. this is ricky fitts.
with jane? really?
uh-oh. i'm in trouble. nice meeting you, ricky fitts. thanks for the, uh, thing.
sure!
shit. shit!
nothing.
i was not.
all right, so shoot me. i was whacking off.
that's right. i was choking the bishop. shaving the carrot. saying hi to my monster.
well, excuse me, but i still have blood pumping through my veins!
really? i'm the only one who seems to be doing anything about it.
this hasn't been a marriage for years. but you were happy as long as i kept my mouth shut. well, guess what? i've changed. and the new me whacks off when he feels horny, because you're obviously not going to help me out in that department.
i'm not? well then, come on, baby! i'm ready.
on what grounds? i'm not a drunk, i don't fuck other women, i don't mistreat you, i've never hit you, or even tried to touch you since you made it so abundantly clear just how unnecessary you consider me to be. but. i did support you while you got your license. and some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours.
turn out the light when you come to bed, okay?
it's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about.
hey! you guys!
well, i just started.
i figured you guys might be able to give me some pointers. i need to shape up. fast.
i want to look good naked.
hey! yo! ricky! my entire life is passing before my eyes, and those two have barely broken a sweat.
sorry, hi. lester burnham, i live next door. we haven't met.
whoa. welcome to the neighborhood, sir.
so, ricky, uh, i was thinking about the, uh.  i was gonna.  the movie we talked about.
yeah!
sure.
what is this?
are you kidding? you just smoked with me last night.
you like pink floyd?
man, i haven't listened to this album in years.
i don't know, it's been a while. how much is an ounce?
wow.
is that what we smoked last night?
how much?
jesus. things have changed since 1973.
thanks.
well, now i know how you can afford all this equipment. when i was your age, i flipped burgers all summer just to be able to buy an eight track.
no actually, it was great. all i did was party and get laid. i had my whole life ahead of me.
uh-oh, mom's mad.
bench presses. i'm going to wail on my pecs, and then i'm going to do my back.
you're one to talk, you bloodless, money- grubbing freak.
do you mind? i'm trying to work out here. unless you want to spot me.
that's. what. you. think.
brad, for fourteen years i've been a whore for the advertising industry. the only way i could save myself now is if i start firebombing.
well, just what sort of severance package is "management" prepared to offer me?
considering the information i have about our editorial director buying pussy with company money.
which i'm sure would interest the i.r.s., since it technically constitutes fraud. and i'm sure that some of our advertisers and rival publications might like to know about it as well. not to mention, craig's wife.
one year's salary, with benefits.
well, what do you say i throw in a little sexual harassment charge to boot?
against you.
can you prove you didn't offer to save my job if i'd let you blow me?
nope. i'm just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.
yeah!
american woman, stay away from me.  american woman, mama let me be.  don't
what?
uh.  no. but thank you. i'll have a big barn burger, smiley fries, and an orange soda.
no. no, actually.  i'd like to fill out an application.
good. i'm looking for the least possible amount of responsibility.
i have fast food experience.
well, i'm sure there have been amazing technological advances in the industry, but surely you have some sort of training process. it seems unfair to presume i won't be able to learn.
janie, today i quit my job. and then i told my boss to fuck himself, and then i blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. pass the asparagus.
and your mother seems to prefer i go through life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink.
lose it? i didn't lose it. it's not like, "oops, where'd my job go?" i quit. someone pass me the asparagus.
i already have a job.
will someone pass me the fucking asparagus?
sit down.
i'm sick and tired of being treated like i don't exist. you two do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it and i don't complain. all i want is the same courtesy--
don't interrupt me, honey.
oh, and another thing. from now on, we're going to alternate our dinner music. because frankly, and i don't think i'm alone here, i'm really tired of this lawrence welk shit.
what?
mine. 1970 pontiac firebird. the car i always wanted and now i have it. i rule!
i traded it in.
hmm, let me think.  no. you never drove it. have you done something different? you look great.
jane not home. we have the whole house to ourselves.
christ, carolyn. when did you become so.  joyless?
whatever happened to that girl who used to fake seizures at frat parties when she got bored? and who used to run up to the roof of our first apartment building to flash the traffic helicopters? have you totally forgotten about her? because i haven't.
so what? it's just a couch.
it's just a couch!
this isn't life. this is just stuff. and it's become more important to you than living. well, honey, that's just nuts.
i'm only trying to help you.
remember those posters that said, "today is the first day of the rest of your life?" well, that's true of every day except one. the day you die.
what?
what are you talking about? i've barely even spoken to her.
you better watch yourself, janie, or you're going to turn into a real bitch, just like your mother.
fuck.
yo, ricky. how's it going?
you need more than that, my little hombre.
smile! you're at mr. smiley's!
would you like to try our new beef and cheese pot pie on a stick, just a dollar ninety-nine for a limited time only?
her husband. we've met before, but something tells me you're going to remember me this time.
actually, janeane is senior drive-thru manager, so you kind of are on her turf. so. this makes sense.
honey, it's okay. i want you to be happy. would you like smiley sauce with that?
uh-uh. you don't get to tell me what to do. ever again.
shit.
yeah, in the cigar box, right over there. you know, put up a fight, dude! you are such a pushover. "no i can't. really. okay."
oh. hi.
don't know.
hi.
some.
you like muscles?
jesus, man. you're soaked.
you want me to get ricky? he's in jane's room.
you okay?
uh.  i don't know. probably out fucking that dorky prince of real estate asshole. and you know what? i don't care.
nope, our marriage is just for show. a commercial, for how normal we are. when we are anything but.
you're shaking.
we really should get you out of these clothes.
it's okay.
just tell me what you need.
whoa, whoa, whoa. i'm sorry. you got the wrong idea.
not at all. bad night?
believe me. it couldn't possibly be any stranger than mine.
do you want a sip?
so.  are you going to tell me? what you want?
you don't know?
are you kidding? i want you. i've wanted you since the first moment i saw you. you are the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.
you couldn't be ordinary if you tried.
you're kidding.
you are beautiful.
you are so beautiful.  and i would be a very lucky man.
don't.
you have nothing to be sorry about.
it's okay. everything's okay.
do you want me to make you another one?
you sure?
how's jane?
i mean, how's her life? is she happy? is she miserable? i'd really like to know, and she'd die before she'd ever tell me about it.
good for her.
god, it's been a long time since anybody asked me that. i'm great.
i'm great.
man oh man.  man oh man oh man.
i had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die.
first of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time.
for me, it was lying on my back at boy scout camp, watching falling stars.
and yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street.
or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper.
and the first time i saw my cousin tony's brand new firebird.
and janie.
and janie.
and.  carolyn.
i guess i could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me.  but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. sometimes i feel like i'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst.
and then i remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and i can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.  you have no idea what i'm talking about, i'm sure. but don't worry.
You will someday.