what the heck is this?
james, don't speak that way to your mother!
turn that garbage off! give me that!
honey, why don't you let me handle this one.
jesus christ. the dictionary? hell, son, i'll buy you some dirty magazines.
can i come in?
you're not. busy?
sit down, jim. let's talk.
these are for you. from father to son.
go ahead son, there's more.
oh, okay. here's let me show you.
do you know about the clitoris?
sometimes it can be pretty hard to locate.
okay, well that about covers it.
i'll have to save this speech for another day. i'm too worn out.
jim?
i guess. we'll just tell your mother. that we ate it all.
oh, jim! i'm looking at the ol' family portrait, here. yep. it's a good one.
son, i wanted to talk to you about what i think you were trying to do the other day.
now, you may have tried it in the shower, or maybe in bed at night, and not even known what you were doing. or perhaps you've heard your friends talking about it in the locker room.
sure you know, son, but i think you've been having a little problem with it. it's okay, though. what you're doing is perfectly normal. it's like practice. like when you play tennis against a wall. some day, there'll be a partner returning the ball. you do want a partner, don't you son?
that's great. now remember, it's okay to play with yourself. or, as i always called it -- "stroke the salami!" ho-ho, jim. there's nothing to be ashamed of. hell, i'm fifty-two, and i still enjoy masturbating. uncle mort masturbates. we all masturbate.
son. this lady's here for you.
oh, you bet he is. jim's quite the bookworm.
oh, no, not too much of a bookworm. he's a good little kid. er, guy. man.
okay, okay. i'll let you hit those books.
son. that's the best damn story i ever heard.
you know, after i graduated high school, my parents let me do some traveling.