there's an old joke. uh, two elderly women are at a catskills mountain resort, and one of 'em says: "boy, the food at this place is really terrible." the other one says, "yeah, i know, and such . small portions." well, that's essentially how i feel about life. full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. the-the other important joke for me is one that's, uh, usually attributed to groucho marx, but i think it appears originally in freud's wit and its relation to the unconscious. and it goes like this-i'm paraphrasing: uh . "i would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." that's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women. tsch, you know, lately the strangest things have been going through my mind, 'cause i turned forty, tsch, and i guess i'm going through a life crisis or something, i don't know. i, uh . and i'm not worried about aging. i'm not one o' those characters, you know. although i'm balding slightly on top, that's about the worst you can say about me. i, uh, i think i'm gonna get better as i get older, you know? i think i'm gonna be the- the balding virile type, you know, as opposed to say the, uh, distinguished gray, for instance, you know? 'less i'm neither o' those two. unless i'm one o' those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag screaming about socialism. annie and i broke up and i-i still can't get my mind around that. you know, i-i keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind and-and examining my life and tryin' to figure out where did the screw-up come, you know, and a year ago we were. tsch, in love. you know, and-and-and . and it's funny, i'm not-i'm not a morose type. i'm not a depressive character. i-i-i, uh, you know, i was a reasonably happy kid, i guess. i was brought up in brooklyn during world war ii. the universe is expanding. well, the universe is everything, and if it's expanding, someday it will break apart and that would be the end of everything! what's the point? what'd i do? what'd i do? why, i was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity. i did. well, i never had a latency period. i can't help it. tell the folks where you are today, donald. i lost track of most of my old schoolmates, but i wound up a comedian. they did not take me in the army. i was, uh . interestingly enough, i was-i was four-p. yes. in-in-in-in the event of war, i'm a hostage. i distinctly heard it. he muttered under his breath, "jew." no, i'm not. we were walking off the tennis court, and you know, he was there and me and his wife, and he looked at her and then they both looked at me, and under his breath he said, "jew." wh- how am i a paran-? well, i pick up on those kind o' things. you know, i was having lunch with some guys from nbc, so i said . uh, "did you eat yet or what?" and tom christie said, "no, didchoo?" not, did you, didchoo eat? jew? no, not did you eat, but jew eat? jew. you get it? jew eat? stop calling me max. no, i don't! you know, i was in a record store. listen to this -so i know there's this big tall blond crew-cutted guy and he's lookin' at me in a funny way and smiling and he's saying, "yes, we have a sale this week on wagner." wagner, max, wagner-so i know what he's really tryin' to tell me very significantly wagner. ah. forget it, max. no, i cannot. you keep bringing it up, but i don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light. i'm gonna meet her in front of the beekman. i think i have a few minutes left. right? no. yeah, once in a while. you know, like occasionally. you wouldn't know it. it doesn't matter. what's the difference? once in a while, you know. i mean, you know, every now- i'm . i'm, uh, i'm robert redford. alvy singer. it was nice nice . thanks very much . for everything. fellas . you know-jesus! come on! gimme a break, will yuh, gimme a break. jesus christ! i need a large polo mallet! fellas, what is this-a meeting o' the teamsters? you know. . you don't want my autograph. your girl friend's name is ralph? i-i-i-i-it's all right, fellas. jesus, what'd you do, come by way of the panama canal? bad mood? i'm standing with the cast of "the godfather." deal! i'm dealing with two guys named cheech! hey, you are in a bad mood. you-you- you must be getting your period. a li-little louder. i think one of them may have missed it! h'm, has the picture started yet? that's it! forget it! i-i can't go in. no, i'm sorry, i can't do it. we-we've blown it already. i-you know, uh, i-i can't go in in the middle. you wanna get coffee for two hours or something? we'll go next- go ahead. good-bye. hey, can we not stand here and argue in front of everybody, 'cause i get embarrassed. i don't know now. you-you wanna go to another movie? so let's go see the sorrow and the pity. well, i'm sorry, i-i can't . i-i-i've gotta see a picture exactly from the start to the finish, 'cause-'cause i'm anal. i'm-i'm-i'm gonna have a stroke. he's screaming his opinions in my ear. key word here is "indulgent." what are you depressed about? how can you possibly oversleep? you know what a hostile gesture that is to me? hey, you . everybody in line at the new yorker has to know our rate of intercourse? i'd like to hit this guy on a gut level. well, he's spitting on my neck! you know, he's spitting on my neck when he talks. probably on their first date, right? probably met by answering an ad in the new york review of books. "thirtyish academic wishes to meet woman who's interested in mozart, james joyce and sodomy." whatta you mean, our sexual problem? i-i-i mean, i'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in brooklyn. i never read that. that was-that was henry james, right? novel, uh, the sequel to turn of the screw? my sexual . what i wouldn't give for a large sock o' horse manure. what do you do when you get stuck in a movie line with a guy like this behind you? i mean, it's just maddening! i mean, d- he can give you- do you hafta give it so loud? i mean, aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that? and-and the funny part of it is, m-marshall mcluhan, you don't know anything about marshall mcluhan's. work! oh, do yuh? well, that's funny, because i happen to have mr. mcluhan right here. so . so, here, just let me-i mean, all right. come over here . a second. tell him. boy, if life were only like this! boy, those guys in the french resistance were really brave, you know? got to listen to maurice chevalier sing so much. you? you kiddin'? if the gestapo would take away your bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em everything. yeah, 'cause it's supposed to. what-what-what-what's the matter? what-what-i don't . it's not natural! we're sleeping in a bed together. you know, it's been a long time. it's always some kind of an excuse. it's- you know, you used to think that i was very sexy. what . when we first started going out, we had sex constantly . we're- we're probably listed in the guinness book of world records. m'm. excuse . excuse me, when do i go on? alvy . alvy singer. i'm a comedian. what do you mean, next? no, it can't be, because he's a comic. so what are you telling me, you're putting on two comics in a row? no, i'm sorry, i'm not goin'- i can't . i don't wanna go on after that comedian. no, because they're-they're laughing, so i-i-i'd rather not. if you don't mind, i prefer- i prefer not to, because . look, they're laughing at him. see, so what are yuh telling me- -that i've got to . ah . ah . they're gonna laugh at him for a couple minutes, then i gotta go out there, i gotta . get laughs, too. how much can they laugh? they-they they're laughed out. look, what's your-what's your name? yeah? allison what? thank you. i-i don't know why they would have me at this kind of rally 'cause . excuse me, i'm not essentially a political comedian at all. i . interestingly had, uh, dated . a woman in the eisenhower administration . briefly . and, uh, it was ironic to me 'cause, uh . . . tsch . . . 'cause i was trying to, u-u-uh, do to her what eisenhower has been doing to the country for the last eight years. h'm, i'm sorry, i can't go through with this, because it-i can't get it off my mind, allison . it's obsessing me! it-but it-it . doesn't make any sense. he drove past the book depository and the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound. so-how is it possible for oswald to have fired from two angles at once? it doesn't make sense. i'll tell you this! he was not marksman enough to hit a moving target at that range. but . if there was a second assassin . it- that's it! if they-they recovered the shells from that rifle. well, why not? hey . honey, i don't know earl warren. l-l-lyndon johns lyndon johnson is a politician. you know the ethics those guys have? it's like-uh, a notch underneath child molester. tsch. i-i-i-i would leave out the men's-room attendant. oh, my god! she's right! why did i turn off allison portchnik? she was-she was beautiful. she was willing. she was real . intelligent. is it the old groucho marx joke? that-that i-i just don't wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member? look, i told you it was a . mistake to ever bring a live thing in the house. well, maybe we should just call the police. dial nine-one-one, it's the lobster squad. if they're only babies, then you pick 'em up. don't give it to me. don't! look! look, one crawled behind the refrigerator. it'll turn up in our bed at night. will you get outta here with that thing? jesus! talk to him. you speak shellfish! hey, look . put it in the pot. gimme! gimme! let me do it! what-what's he think we're gonna do, take him to the movies? okay, it's in. it's definitely in the pot! annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator. i can't get it out. this thing's heavy. maybe if i put a little dish of butter sauce here with a nutcracker, it will run out the other side, you know what i mean? you know, i-i think . if i could pry this door off . we shoulda gotten steaks 'cause they don't have legs. they don't run around. all right! all right! all right! all right! whatta yuh mean? are yuh gonna take pictures now? all right, here! oh, god, it's disgusting! so, so-well, here's what i wanna know. w-what . am i your first big romance? well, then, w-who was? is he kidding with that crap? you do? hey, that was last year. yeah, i-i think you're pretty lucky i came along. la-de-da. if i-if anyone had ever told me that i would be taking out a girl who used expressions like "la-de-da" . . . well, no . not just, not only. yeah, two more chairs and they got a dining-room set. 'cause i wanna watch the knicks on television. i'm so tired of spending evenings making fake insights with people who work for dysentery. oh, really, i heard that commentary and dissent had merged and formed dysentery. hey, you wouldn't believe this. two minutes ago, the knicks are ahead fourteen points, and now . they're ahead two points. what's fascinating is that it's physical. you know, it's one thing about intellectuals, they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant and have no idea what's going on. but on the other hand . the body doesn't lie, as-as we now know. no, it'll be great! it'll be great, be-because all those ph.d.'s are in there, you know, like . discussing models of alienation and we'll be in here quietly humping. "'why-why do you always r-reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories?' he said as he removed her brassiere" don't get upset! jesus, last night it was some guy honking his car horn. i mean, the city can't close down. you know, what-whatta yuh gonna do, h-have 'em shut down the airport, too? no more flights so we can have sex? well, i can't li- we can't have this discussion all the time. the country makes me nervous. there's . you got crickets and it-it's quiet . there's no place to walk after dinner, and. uh, there's the screens with the dead moths behind them, and. uh, yuh got the-the manson family possibly, yuh got dick and terry- hey, come on, it's quiet now. we can-we can start again. what- oh, you got a headache! bad? jesus! well, i'm-i'm gonna take another in a series of cold showers. right, right, so g-get back to what we were discussing, the failure of the country to get behind new york city is-is anti-semitism. but the- i'm not discussing politics or economics. this is foreskin. don't you see? the rest of the country looks upon new york like we're-we're left-wing communist, jewish, homosexual, pornographers. i think of us that way, sometimes, and i-i live here. sun is bad for yuh. everything our parents said was good is bad. sun, milk, red meat, college . hi. holy gods! hi. oh, hi. hi. you-you play . very well. uh . you-you wanna lift? no, um . i was gonna take a cab. you have a car? so . i don't understand why . if you have a car, so then-then wh-why did you say "do you have a car?". like you wanted a lift? sure. w-w-w-which way yuh goin'? down- i'm-i'm goin' uptown. uh, well, you just said you were going downtown. so sorry. yeah. so, how long do you know janet? where do you know her from? oh - you're an actress. i, uh . well, you're not from new york, right? right! where? uh, you're driving a- no, no thanks. hey, don't- no, no, no, no, you just . just watch the road. i'll get it- -for yuh. i'll getcha a piece. do i drive? uh, no, i gotta-i gotta problem with driving. yeah. i got, uh, i got a license but i have too much hostility. nice car. you keep it nice. can i ask you, is this-is this a sandwich? that's okay, you . we-we can walk to the curb from here. you want your tennis stuff? you want your gear? here you go. well, thanks, thank you. you-you're a wonderful tennis player. you're the worst driver i've ever seen in my life . . . that's including any place . the worst . europe, united . any place . asia. and i love what you're wearin'. who? grammy? grammy hall? you're jo- whatta yuh kid- what did you do, grow up in a norman rockwell painting? your grammy! jesus, my-my grammy . n-never gave gifts, you know. she-she was too busy getting raped by cossacks. well . thank you again. i'll see yuh. no, no, that'll be fine. i don't mind. sure. no, i got time. sure, i got . i got nothing, uh, nothing till my analyst's appointment. y-y-yeah, just for fifteen years. yeah, uh, i'm gonna give him one more year and then i'm goin' to lourdes. sylvia plath. interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic, by the college-girl mentality. oh, sorry. neat? uh, i hate to tell yuh, this is nineteen seventy-five, you know that "neat" went out, i would say, at the turn of the century. who-who are-who are those photos on the wall? duane? well, who's sadie? uh, narcolepsy. yeah, it's a great story, though, i mean, i. i . it really made my day. hey, i think i should get outta here, you know, 'cause i think i'm imposing, you know . and . uh, yeah, uh . uh, you know, i-i-i. no, i know, but . but, you know, i'm all perspired and everything. me? no, no, no, 'cause i never shower in a public place. 'cause i don't like to get naked in front of another man, you know-it's, uh . you know, i don't like to show my body to a man of my gender- -'cause, uh, you never know what's gonna happen. fifteen years, yeah. god bless. oh, thank you. so, did you do shoot the photographs in there or what? they're . they're. they're wonderful, you know. they have . they have, uh . a . a quality. photography's interesting, 'cause, you know, it's-it's a new art form, and a, uh, a set of aesthetic criteria have not emerged yet. the-the medium enters in as a condition of the art form itself. that's- still, still we- you need a set of aesthetic guide lines to put it in social perspective, i think. you know, i gotta get there and begin whining soon . otherwise i- hey . well, are you busy friday night? oh, i'm sorry, wait a minute, i have something. well, what about saturday night? oh, you . you're very popular, i can see. gee, boy, what do you have? you have plague? yeah, i meet a lotta jerks, too. i think that's, uh- you're gonna sing? do you sing? well, no, it isn't no kidding? -this is my first time. oh, really? where? i'd like to come. oh, no, no, no, no, no! no, i'm interested! no, so help me. that's okay, 'cause i know exactly what that's like. listen- -you're gonna like night clubs, they're really a lotta fun. oh, listen, so the audience was a tad restless. no, they didn't. you have a wonderful voice. no, i'm not gonna letcha. you have a great voice. yeah! it's terrific. hey, listen, listen. gimme a kiss. yeah, why not, because we're just gonna go home later, right? and-and uh, there's gonna be all that tension. you know, we never kissed before and i'll never know when to make the right move or anything. so we'll kiss now we'll get it over with and then we'll go eat. okay? and we'll digest our food better. okay? so now we can digest our food. okay. yeah. i'm gonna have a corned beef. nothing that a few mega-vitamins couldn't cure. my first. yes, she was nice, but you know, uh, it was my fault. i was just. i was too crazy. as balzac said . "there goes another novel." jesus, you were great. yeah. yeah, i'm-i'm-i'm a wreck. really. i mean it. i-i'll never play the piano again. good? i was- no, that was the most fun i've ever had without laughing. no, no, i-i-i, uh, i don't use any major hallucinogenics because i took a puff like five years ago at a party and -tried to take my pants off over my head . . my ear. m'hm. you're not gonna believe this, but- hey? i-i-i'm gonna buy you these books, i think, because i-i think you should read them. you know, instead of that cat book. yeah, 'cause i-i'm, you know, i'm, i'm obsessed with-with, uh, with death, i think. big- -big subject with me, yeah. i've a very pessimistic view of life. you should know this about me if we're gonna go out, you know. i-i-i feel that life is-is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. those are the two categories . you know, they're- the-the horrible would be like, uh, i don't know, terminal cases, you know? and blind people, crippled . i don't-don't know how they get through life. it's amazing to me. you know, and the miserable is everyone else. that's-that's all. so-so when you go through life you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's- you're very lucky . to be . . to be miserable. look, look at that guy. there's-there's-there's-there's mr. when-in-the-pink, mr. miami beach, there, you know? he's the latest! just came back from the gin-rummy farm last night. he placed third. look at these guys. oh, that's hilarious. they're back from fire island. they're . they're sort of giving it a chance-you know what i mean? yeah, he's the mafia. linen supply business or cement and contract, you know what i mean? no, i'm serious. i just got my mustache wet. and there's the winner of the truman capote look-alike contest. you are extremely sexy. unbelievably sexy. yes, you are. because . you know what you are? you're-you're polymorphously perverse. uh . uh, you're-you're exceptional in bed because you got -you get pleasure in every part of your body when i touch you. you know what i mean? like the tip o'your nose, and if i stroke your teeth or your kneecaps . you get excited. you- do you love me? that's the key question. i know you've only known me a short while. i-uh, love is, uh, is too weak a word for what. - i . i love you. you know i lo-ove you, i-i love you. i-i have to invent- of course i love you. don't you think i do? whatta you mean? you're not gonna give up your own apartment, are you? yeah, bu-bu-but why? yeah, but you-you got a nice apartment. yeah, i know it's small. all right, granted, it has bad plumbing and bugs, but you-you say that like it's a negative thing. you know, bugs are-are-uh, entomology is a . . rapidly growing field. how- i don't want you to live with me? how- whose idea was it? ye-ah. was it . it was yours actually, but, uh, i approved it immediately. no-what, what ? i . we live together, we sleep together, we eat together. jesus, you don't want it to be like we're married, do yuh? it's different 'cause you keep your own apartment. because you know it's there, we don't have to go to it, we don't have to deal with it, but it's like a-a-a free-floating life raft . that we know that we're not married. that place is four hundred dollars a month? it's-it's got bad plumbing and bugs. jesus, i'll-my accountant will write it off as a tax deduction, i'll pay for it. hey, don't be ridiculous. 'cause adult education's a wonderful thing. you meet a lotta interesting professors. you know, it's stimulating. just don't take any course where they make you read beowulf. no, don't be silly. what-what do we need other people for? you know, we should-we should just turn out the lights, you know, and play hide and seek or something. yeah, grass, right? the illusion that it will make a white woman more like billie holiday. me, no. you . i-i-you know, if i have grass or alcohol or anything i get unbearably wonderful. i get too, too wonderful for words. you know, i don't-i don't know why you have to, uh, get high every time we make love. oh, you-you have to be artificially relaxed before we can go to bed? well, i'll give you a shot of sodium pentothal. you can sleep through it. oh, come, you don't need that. no, no, no, what . you can once, you can live without it once. come on. m'm, wait, i got a great idea. hang in there for a second. i got a little-little artifact. a little erotic artifact, that-that i brought up from the city, which i think, uh, is gonna be perfect. i just . there . there's a little old new orleans . essence. now-now we can go about our business here and we can even develop photographs if we want to. there, now there. m'mmm. m'mmm. hey, is something wrong? i don't know. you- it's like you're- you're removed. really? i don't know, but you seem sort of distant. is it my imagination or are you just going through the motions? you see, that's what i call removed. yeah, but that's not-that's no good. i want the whole thing. well, it ruins it for me if you have grass because, you know, i'm, like, a comedian- -so if i get a laugh from a person who's high, it doesn't count. you know-'cause they're always laughin'. hey, what is this-an interview? we're supposed to be making love. w-where am i? i-i keep . i have to reorient myself. this is the university of wisconsin, right? so i'm always . i'm tense and . uh, when i'm playin' a col- i've a very bad history with colleges. you know, i went to new york university and, uh, tsch, i was thrown out of nyu my freshman year . for cheating on my metaphysics final. you know, i looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me- -and when i was thrown out, my mother, who's an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of mah-jongg tiles. and, uh, tsch, i was depressed. i was . in analysis, i-i, uh, was suicidal; as a matter of fact, uh, i would have killed myself but i was in analysis with a strict freudian and if you kill yourself . they make you pay for the sessions you miss. c-c-coll- college audiences are so wonderful. are yuh? well, the twelve o'clock show is completely different than the nine. you're so sure about it. yeah, i know, they'll hate me immediately. thank you. yeah. it is. it's dynamite ham. yes. i'm making excellent progress. pretty soon when i lie down on his couch, i won't have to wear the lobster bib. i can't believe this family. annie's mother. she really's beautiful. and they're talkin' swap meets and boat basins, and the old lady at the end of the table is a classic jew hater. and, uh, they, they realty look american, you know, very healthy and . like they never get sick or anything. nothing like my family. you know, the two are like oil and water. oh, hi, duane, how's it goin'? oh, yeah? terrific. right. tsch, well, i have to-i have t-o go now, duane, because i-i'm due back on the planet earth. i didn't follow you! why? 'cause i . was walkin' along a block behind you staring at you? that's not following! following is different. i was spying. paranoid? i'm looking at you. you got your arms around another guy. yeah-well, i didn't start out spying. i-i thought i'd surprise yuh. pick you up after school. oh, stop it. but you were having an affair with your college professor. that jerk that teaches that incredible crap course "contemporary crisis in western man"! what's the difference? it's all mental masturbation. hey, don't knock masturbation! it's sex with someone i love. "neat"! there's that- what are you-twelve years old? that's one o' your chippewa falls expressions! "he thinks i'm neat." next thing you know he'll find you keen and peachy, you know? next thing you know he's got his hand on your ass! david? you call your teacher david? well, listen, that's, a nice bi-it's a biblical name. right? w-what does he call you? bathsheba? oh, yeah? how'd it go? yeah? m'm. me? i'm-i'm one of the few males who suffers from that, so, so . you know. g-go on, i'm interested. m'hm. tsch. rea- all this happened in the first hour? that's amazing. i-i-i . i've been goin' for fifteen years, i-you know, i don't got . nothing like that in- you cried? i've never once cried. fantastic . i whine. i-i-i sit and i whine. sinatra? yeah? well, well, sure . because he's a singer and you're a singer, you know, so it's perfect. so you're trying to suffocate yourself. it-it makes perfect sense. uh, uh, that's a perfect analytic . kind of insight. whatta you mean? me? sinatra had gl- you never said sinatra had glasses. so whatta you saying that i-i'm suffocating you? tsch, what'd the doctor say? will it change your wife? yeah, but you said, "will it change my wife"! you said, "will it change. . ." wife. will it change . she said, "will it change my wife." you heard that because you were there so i'm not crazy. why do you always bring that up? because i encourage you to take adult-education courses? i think it's a wonderful thing. you meet wonderful, interesting professors'. adult education is such junk! the professors are so phony. how can you do it? david! david! i can't believe this! i'm following you and david, if you- that's fine. that's fine. that's great! well, i don't know what i did wrong. i mean, i can't believe this. somewhere she cooled off to me! is it-is it something that i did? love fades. god, that's a depressing thought. have to ask you a question. don't go any further. now, with your wife in bed, d-d-does she need some kind o' artificial stimulation like-like marijuana? large vibrating egg. well, i ask a psychopath, i get that kind of an answer. jesus, i-i, uh, here . you-you look like a really happy couple. uh, uh . are you? yeah! so . so h-h-how do you account for it? i see. well, that's very interesting. so you've managed to work out something, huh? oh, well, thanks very much for talking to me. man, that's great. that's just great. me? no, no. i-i couldn't make it that ni- my-my raccoon had hepatitis. tsch, a few. i can think of another word. really? it must be a tremendous hem. are you? i can't get with any religion that advertises in popular mechanics. look- there's god coming outta the men's room. yeah, were yuh? i was-i was at an alice cooper thing where six people were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes. oh, no, no, don't be . tsch . don't be silly. you know, i'm startin' it-i'm startin' to get some feeling back in my jaw now. oh, tsch, thank you. h'm. i think-i think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm, you know, to make up for empty areas in life. uh, oh, i don't know. it might have been leopold and loeb. hello. oh, hi . uh, no, what-what's the matter? what-what-what? you sound terrible . no, what- sure i- whatta yuh -what kind of an emergency? . no, well, stay there. stay there, i'll come over right now. i'll come over right now. just stay there, i'll come right over. what's- it's me, open up. are you okay? what's the matter? are you all right? what- what? that's what you got me here for at three o'clock in the morning, 'cause there's a spider in the bathroom? oooh. kill it! for go- what's wrong with you? don't you have a can of raid in the house? i told you a thousand times you should always keep, uh, a lotta insect spray. you never know who's gonna crawl over. jesus. all right, gimme a magazine. i- 'cause i'm a little tired. you know, you, you joke with-about me, you make fun of me, but i'm prepared for anything. an emergency, a tidal wave, an earthquake. hey, what is this? what? did you go to a rock concert? oh, yeah, really? really? how-how'd you like it? was it-was it, i mean, did it . was it heavy? did it achieve total heavy-ocity? or was it, uh. oh, humdinger. when- well, i got a wonderful idea. why don'tcha get the guy who took you to the rock concert, we'll call him and he can come over and kill the spider. you know, it's a- what is this? what are you, since when do you read the "national review"? what are you turning in to? it's wonderful. then why don'tcha get william f. buckley to kill the spider? well, i was in be- it's three o'clock in the morning. you, uh, you got me outta bed, i ran over here, i couldn't get a taxi cab. you said it was an emergency, and i didn't ge- i ran up the stairs. hell - i was a lot more attractive when the evening began. look, uh, tell- whatta you- are you going with a right-wing rock-and roll star? is that possible? hey, what am i-your son? whatta you mean? i-i came over tv --_ yeah, where is the spider? is he in the bathroom? darling, darling, i've been killing spiders since i was thirty, okay? very big spider. two . yeah. lotta, lotta trouble. there's two of 'em. yep. i didn't think it was that big, but it's a major spider. you got a broom or something with a- -snow shovel or anything or something. okay, let me have this. honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a buick. hey, what is this? you got black soap? whatta-whatta yuh joining a minstrel show? geez. don't worry! i did it! i killed them both. what-what's the matter? whatta you- -whatta you sad about? you- what'd you want me to do? capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em? whatta you mean, don't go? whatta-whatta -what's the matter? whatta you expecting -termites? what's the matter? oh, jesus, really? what? w-w-whatta you mean? oh, i had the radio on. i'm sorry. i had the television set . i had the television- oh, no, no, i think we're both much too mature for something like that. it's all right for me, it's been terrific, you know? better than either one of my marriages. see, 'cause. . . 'cause there's just something different about you. i don't know what it is, but it's great. i don't know. tsch, why don't we get . why don't we get rob, and the three of us'll drive into brooklyn, you know, and we show you the old neighborhood. that'd be fun for yuh. don't you think- hey, can yuh watch the road? watch the -- you'll total the whole car. yeah, the neighborhood's gonna be great. right. i was a great athlete. tell her, max, i was the best, i was all schoolyard. yeah, well, i used to lose my glasses a lot. oh, look, look, there's that . that's -that's my old house. that's where i used to live. i have some very good memories there. yeah, and always over the most ridiculous things. it-it-it's the welcome-home party in nineteen forty-five, for my cousin herbie. ah? oh, well, your birthday's not till tomorrow, honey, i hate to tell yuh. yeah, but no presents till midnight. happy birthday. yeah, hey, why don't yuh try it on? try it . it'll add years to our sex life. here's a real present. check it out. yeah, i know. just-just put on the watch, and-and . that thing, and we'll just . you were-you were sensational. i mean, i-you know, i-i told yuh that if yuh stuck to it, you would be great, and-and, you know, i-i-you-you were sensational. thank you very much. it's a pleasure. remember, we had that thing. don't you remember we-we-we discussed that thing that we were- -yes, we had, uh . what's . you . well, what's the matter, you w-wanna go to that party? i'm just not . you know, i don't think i could take a mellow eve- 'cause i-i don't respond well to mellow, you know what i mean, i-i have a tendency to . if i get too mellow, i-i ripen and then rot. you know, and it's-it's not good for my . well, we never have any laughs anymore, is the problem. hardly ever. maybe three times a week. she would not sleep with me the other night, you know, it's- i mean . i tried everything, you know, i-i-i put on soft music and my-my red light bulb, and . the incredible thing about it is, i'm paying for her analysis and she's making progress and i'm getting screwed. you know . it's getting expensive . my analyst . for her analyst. she- she's making progress and i'm not making any progress. her progress is defeating my progress. hey, don't put it on me. you kn- wh-what is it, i don't wanna put a wad of white powder in my nose 'cause the-the nasal membranes . how can you say that? i mean, who said i-i-i-i said that you, i and that girl from your acting class should sleep together in a threesome. yeah, i know it's sick, but it's new. you know, you didn't say it couldn't be sick. oh, yeah? oh, i'm sure it's a lot of fun, 'cause the incas did it, you know, and-and they-they-they were a million laughs. i'm thrilled. as you know, uh . uh, on my agent's advice i sold out, and i'm gonna do an appearance on tv. it's so phony, and we have to leave new york during christmas week, which really kills me. sure, sure, i'll be glad to. i-i'll just put it in a-a-a h-h-hollow heel that i have in my boot, you know. h-h-how much is this stuff? really? and what is the kick of it? because i never . yeah, the architecture is really consistent, isn't it? french next to- -spanish, next to tudor, next to japanese. it's that they don't throw their garbage away. they make it into television shows. can you believe this is christmas here? right-well, santa claus will have sunstroke. there's no economic crime, you know, but there's-there's ritual, religious- cult murders, you know, there's wheat- germ killers out here. oh. do you realize how immoral this all is? yeah, i know; but you're adding fake laughs. look, uh . great, but nobody laughs at it 'cause your jokes aren't funny. is there booing on there? oh, max, i don't feel well. i don't know, i just got-i got very dizzy. i feel dizzy, max. oh, jesus. i don't know, i mean, i- no, no-my, you know, my stomach felt queasy all morning. i just started getting . oh, max . no, i maybe i better lie down. oh, oh, no, i can't-i can't eat this. i'm nauseous. if you could-if you could just give me something to get me through the next two hours, you know i-i have to go out to burbank . and give out an award on a tv show. i'm nauseous. oh, jesus, now i don't get to do the tv show? christ! oh, jesus. can i have the salt, please? this is not bad, actually. hey, don't tell me we're gonna hafta walk from the car to the house. geez, my feet haven't touched pavement since i reached los angeles. m'hm. whee, you shoulda told me it was tony lacey's party. i think he has a little thing for annie. where? v.p.l.? yeah, she's a ten, max, and that's great for you because you're -you're used to twos, aren't you? yeah, you're used to the kind with the- with the shopping bags walking through central park with the surgical masks on muttering. and . uh- yeah, intensive care ward. my god-hey, max, i think she's . i think she's giving me the eye. i'll handle it. i'll handle it. hi. est? no, no, i was never to est. oh. no, no, i came out here to get some shock therapy, but there was an energy crisis, so i . he's my-my food taster. have you two met? yeah, he's crazy. hey, you guys are wearin' white. it must be in the stars. uri geller must be on the premises someplace. trigger. hey. yeah, this place is great. yeah, i love it there. i'm into garbage. it's my thing. i'm cool. yeah, and gradually you get old and die. you know it's important to make a little effort once in a while. yeah, she's got a great-lookin' fa- a pat on the androgynous side. but it's. tsch, i know. a relationship, i think, is-is like a shark, you know? it has to constantly move forward or it dies. and i think what we got on our hands is a dead shark. whose "catcher in the rye" is this? oh, it sure has . you know, you wrote your name in all my books, 'cause you knew this day was gonna come. there's no-no question in my mind. i think we're doing the mature thing, without any doubt. this "denial of death". you remember this? this is the first book that i got you. remember that day? thanks, honey. there's no-there's no question about that, 'cause we've given this . uh, uh, i think a more than fair shot, you know? yeah, and i-i tru- you know, i trust her, because my-my analyst recommended her. right. and you-and you know what the beauty part is? we can always come back together again. because there's no-there's no problem. 'cause . right. you know, i-i-i don't think many couples could handle this. you know, they could just break up and remain friends. yeah. i miss annie. i made a terrible mistake. oh, yeah? well, if she is, then the hell with her! if she likes that lifestyle, let her live there! he's a jerk, for one thing. yeah. he may- listen, harvard makes mistakes too, you know. kissinger taught there. yeah, jealous. a little bit like medea. lemme, lemme-can i show you something, lady? what i have here . i found this in the apartment. black soap. she used to wash her face eight hundred times a day with black soap. don't ask me why. well, i-i tried, but it's, uh, you know, it's very depressing. this always happens to me. quick, g-go get a broom. i'm not myself since i stopped smoking. sixteen years ago. mean? listen, honey, central park's turning green . yeah, i sa-i saw that lunatic that we-where we used to see . with the, uh, uh, pinwheel hat and, you know, and the roller skates? . . . listen, i-i want you to come back here . well, i-i-then i'm gonna come out there and getcha. whatta you mean, where am i? where do- where do you think i am? i'm-i'm out . i'm at the los angeles airport. i flew in . tsch, i-well, i flew in to see you . hey, listen, can we not debate this on-on the telephone because i'm, you know, i-i feel that i got a temperature and i'm-i'm getting my-my chronic los angeles nausea. i-i don't feel so good. i'm gonna. i'm gonna have the alfalfa sprouts and, uh, a plate of mashed yeast. you look very pretty. you see, i-i've been thinking about it and i think that we should get married. why? you wanna live out here all year? it's like living in munchkin land. so whatta you . you're not gonna come back to new york? hey, you didn't read "death in venice" till i bought it for yuh. that's right, 'cause it's an important issue. i can't enjoy anything unless i . unless everybody is. i-you know, if one guy is starving someplace, that's . you know, i-i . it puts a crimp in my evening. so wanna get married or what? okay. check, please. can i -can i . can i . can i . no. yes, of course i'm mad, because you love me, i know that. the usual, you know. uh, tryin't'write. i'm workin' on a play. jesus. so whatta yuh saying? that you're not comin' back to new york with me? you mean that . i-i-i-i flew three thousand miles to see you. air miles, you know. i mean, you know what that does to my stomach? the what? you mean they give awards for that kind o' music? i thought just earplugs. awards! they do nothing but give out awards! i can't believe it. greatest, greatest fascist dictator, adolf hitler! officer, i know what you're gonna say. i'm-i'm not a great driver, you know, i-i have some problems with-with-with- sure. just don't-don't get angry, you know what i mean? 'cause i-i have - i have my-my license here. you know, it's a rented car. and i've . pick up the license. you have to ask nicely 'cause i've had an extremely rough day. you know, my girl friend- since you put it that way. it's hard for me to refuse. . have a, i have a terrific problem with authority, you know. i'm. it's not your fault. don't take it personal. so long, fellas. keep in touch. yeah. i had the feeling that i got you at a bad moment. you know, i heard high-pitched squealing. you're an actor, max. you should be doing shakespeare in the park. max, are we driving through plutonium? tsch, whatta you want? it was my first play. you know, you know how you're always tryin' t' get things to come out perfect in art because, uh, it's real difficult in life. interestingly, however, i did run into annie again. it was on the upper west side of manhattan.