alright, alright, i'm in a bad mood, okay?
you're gonna hafta learn to deal with it.
okay. please, i have a headache, all right?
i'm not getting my period. jesus, every time anything out of the ordinary happens, you think that i'm getting my period!
two minutes, alvy.
in the middle? we'll only miss the titles. they're in swedish.
two hours? no, u-uh, i'm going in. i'm going in.
look, while we're talking we could be inside, you know that?
alright. all right, all right, so whatta you wanna do?
oh, come on, we've seen it. i'm not in the mood to see a four-hour documentary on nazis.
h'h, that's a polite word for what you are.
well, stop listening to him.
i missed my therapy. i overslept.
the alarm clock.
i know-because of our sexual problem, right?
stop it, alvy!
and you know something else? you know, you're so egocentric that if i miss my therapy you can think of it in terms of how it affects you!
oh!
okay, i'm very sorry. my sexual problem! okay, my sexual problem! huh?
m'm, i don't know, sometimes i ask myself how i'd stand up under torture.
that movie makes me feel guilty.
alvy, i .
i-you know, i don't wanna.
i know, well, it's just that-you know, i mean, i-i-i-i gotta sing tomorrow night, so i have to rest my voice.
i know. well, alvy, it'll pass, it'll pass, it's just that i'm going through a phase, that's all.
i mean, you've been married before, you know how things can get. you were very hot for allison at first.
alvy, now don't panic. please.
stop it! don't .  don't do that! there.
come on, alvy, they're only baby ones, for god's sake.
oh, all right. all right! it's all right. here.
oooh! here! here!
get him!
i can't! i can't put him in the pot. i can't put a live thing in hot water.
oh, god! here yuh go! oh, good, now he'll think- aaaah! okay.
all right. all right. all right.
yeah. i'm gonna get my .  i'm gonna get my camera.
great! great! goddammit! ooooh! these are .  p-p-p-pick this lobster up. hold it, please!
it'll make great- alvy, be- alvy, it'll be wonderful .  ooooh, lovely!
don't be a jerk. one more, alvy, please, one more picture. oh, oh, good, good!
oh .  no, no, no, no, uh, uh. no.
oh, well, let's see, there was dennis, from chippewa falls high school.
oh, come on-i mean, i was still younger.
he was creepy.
oh, really? well, la-de-da!
oh, that's right. that you really like those new york girls.
oh, i'd say so. you married-
-two of them.
i know, but ooh- here he comes. okay.
how are yuh?
hi.
well .  so .  i can't play too good, you know.
hi. hi, hi.
well, bye. she laughs and backs up slowly toward the door.
oh, yeah? so do you. oh, god, whatta- whatta dumb thing to say, right? i mean, you say it, "you play well," and right away .  i have to say well. oh, oh .  god, annie. well .  oh, well .  la-de-da, la-de-da, la-la.
oh, why-uh .  y-y-you gotta car?
oh, no, i have a car.
i don't .  i don't .  geez, i don't know, i've .  i wa- this .  yeah, i got this vw out there .  what a jerk, yeah. would you like a lift?
me? oh, downtown!
oh, well, i'm goin' uptown, too.
yeah, well, i'm, but i .
i mean, i can go uptown, too. i live uptown, but .  uh, what the hell, i mean, it'd be nice having company, you know i mean, i hate driving alone.
oh, i'm in her acting class.
well, i do commercials, sort of .
no, chippewa falls.
wisconsin.
uh, don't worry, i'm a very- -a very good driver. so, listen-hey, you want some gum, anyway?
well, where is it? i-
okay.
okay, that's good.
all right.
yeah .  so, listen-you drive?
oh, you do?
oh, right.
huh?
huh? oh, yeah.
i live over here. oh, my god! look! there's a parking space!
don't be funny.
huh? oh .  yeah.
yeah, thanks. thanks a lot. well.
oh.
yeah.
oh, you do? yeah? oh, well, it's uh .  this is, uh .  this tie is a present, from grammy hall.
yeah, my grammy.
yeah, i know.
i know, it's pretty silly, isn't it?
well .
oh, yeah, yeah.
hey, well, listen .  hey, you wanna come upstairs and, uh .  and have a glass of wine and something? aw, no, i mean .  i mean, you don't have to, you're probably late and everything else .
you sure?
okay.
oh, you see an analyst?
fifteen years?
fifteen-aw, come on, you're . . . yeah, really?
m'hm.
oh, yeah.
right. well, i don't know, i mean, uh, some of her poems seem - neat, you know.
neat, yeah.
oh .  oh, well, you see now now, uh, that's my dad, that's father-and that's my .  brother, duane.
yeah, right, duane-and over there is grammy hall, and that's sadie.
sadie? oh, well, sadie.  sadie met grammy through, uh, through grammy's brother george. uh, george was real sweet, you know, he had that thing. what is that thing where you, uh, where you, uh, fall asleep in the middle of a sentence, you know-what is it? uh .
narcolepsy, right, right. right. so, anyway, so .  george, uh, went to the union, see, to get his free turkey, be-because, uh, the union always gave george this big turkey at christmas time because he was .  shell-shocked, you know what i mean, in the first world war. anyway, so, so .  george is standing in line, oh, just a sec . uh, getting his free turkey, but the thing is, he falls asleep and he never wakes up. so, so.  so, he's dead .  he's dead. yeah. oh, dear. well, terrible, huh, wouldn't you say? i mean, that's pretty unfortunate.
oh, really? oh, well .  uh, uh, maybe, uh, maybe, we, uh .
well, i mean, you don't have to, you know.
well, didn't you take, uh .  uh, a shower at the club?
why not?
oh, i see, i see.
yeah. oh, yeah. yeah, i see. i guess-
fifteen years, huh?
yeah. oh, god bless!
well, uh .  you're what grammy hall would call a real jew.
yeah, well .  you-she hates jews. she thinks that they just make money, but let me tell yuh, i mean, she's the one yeah, is she ever. i'm tellin' yuh.
yeah, yeah, i sorta dabble around, you know.
well, i-i-i would-i would like to take a serious photography course soon.
aesthetic criteria? you mean, whether it's, uh, good photo or not?
well, well, i .  to me-i .  i mean, it's-it's-it's all instinctive, you know. i mean, i just try to uh, feel it, you know? i try to get a sense of it and not think about it so much.
well, i don't know. i mean, i guess-i guess you must be sorta late, huh?
me? oh, uh. no.
oh .  nothing. not-no, no!
i know.
well, i mean, i meet a lot of .  jerks, you know-
-what i mean?
but i'm thinking about getting some cats, you know, and then they .  oh, wait a second-oh, no, no, i mean oh, shoot! no, saturday night i'm gonna- gonna sing. yeah.
oh, no-i mean, i'm just a-auditioning sort of at club. i don't-
-it's my first time.
yeah.
i was awful. i'm so ashamed! i can't sing.
whatta you mean, a tad restless? oh, my god, i mean, they hated me.
no, i'm gonna quit!
really, do you think so, really?
yeah?
yeah, you know something? i never even took a lesson, either.
what?
really?
yeah.
oh, all right.
okay.
yeah.
we can digest our-
yeah .  oh, uh, and i'm gonna have a pastrami on white bread with, uh, mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce. tsch, so, uh, your second wife left you and, uh, were you depressed about that?
oh. and your first wife was allison?
oh.
m'm, that was so nice. that was nice.
h'm?
oh, yeah?
yeah?
no. you're a wreck.
you're really nuts. i don't know, you really thought it was good? tell me.
no.
here, you want some?
yeah?
oh, i don't know, i don't really. i don't do it very often, you know, just sort of, er .  relaxes me at first.
what? what?
h'm?
that's, uh .  that's pretty serious stuff there.
yeah?
yeah?
m'hm.
m'hm.
m'hm.
yeah.
m'hm.
u-huh.
m'hm.
m'hm. yeah. yeah.
yeah.
oh! italian, right?
oh, yeah.
oh, yeah?
you see, like you and i .
no, i'm not.
well, what does-what does that mean? i don't know what that is.
ooooh!
come on. yeah. you know what? you know, i like you, i really mean it. i really do like you.
do i love you?
yeah.
well, i certainly .  i think that's very- yeah, yeah .  yeah. do you love me?
yeah.
yeah.
i dunno.
of course.
well, i mean, i'm moving in with you, that's why.
i have a tiny apartment.
that's right, and it's got bad plumbing and bugs.
you don't want me to live with you?
mine.
i guess you think that i talked you into something, huh?
how is it any different?
that little apartment is four hundred dollars a month, alvy.
yes, it is.
you don't think i'm smart enough to be serious about.
then why are you always pushing me to take those college courses like i was dumb or something?
does this sound like a good course? uh, "modern american poetry"? uh, or, uh-let's see now .  maybe i should, uh, take "introduction to the novel."
what? hey, listen, what-what do you think? do you think we should, uh, go to that-that party in southampton tonight?
well, okay. well, listen, i'm gonna get a cigarette, okay?
well, have you ever made love high?
it relaxes me.
well, what's the difference, anyway?
oh, come on, look who's talking. you've been seeing a psychiatrist for fifteen years. you should smoke some o' this. you'd be off the couch in no time.
what are you doing?
oh, no, alvy, please. alvy, please. m'mrnm.
uh-uh-why?
no, i'm fine.
u-huh.
let's just do it, all right?
oh, you have my body.
well, i need grass and so do you.
m'hm.
were you always funny?
alvy, you were .  alvy, you were just great, i'm not kidding. it was- you were so neat.
yeah. yeah. and you know something? i think that i'm starting to get more of your references, too.
yeah.
oh.
oh, i'm really, uh, looking forward to tomorrow. i mean, you know, i think that it'll be really nice to meet mother and father.
no, i don't think so. no, i don't think they're gonna hate you at all. on the contrary, i think-
it's easter. you know, we'll have a nice dinner, we'll sit down and eat. i think they're gonna really like you.
oh, yeah. grammy always does such a good job.
we really had a good time.
oh, yes, yes.
oh, yes, that's right. did you see the new play?
yes, i do.
no.
okay. okay.
you think so? do you really?
yes, duane is. i'll be right-
i just have time to get the, uh-
you followed me. i can't believe it!
you followed me!
well, what is your definition of following?
do you realize how paranoid you are?
that is the worst kind of paranoia.
yeah-well, you wanted to keep the relationship flexible, remember? it's your phrase.
"existential motifs in russian literature"! you're really close.
oh, well, now we're finally getting to a subject you know something about!
we're not having an affair. he's married. he just happens to think i'm neat.
who cares? who cares?
you've always had hostility toward david ever since i mentioned him!
it's his name.
alvy! alvy! you're the one who never wanted to make a real commitment. you don't think i'm smart enough! we had that argument just last month, or don't ou remember that day?
i'm home!
oh, it was .  really weird. but she's a very nice woman.
and i didn't have to lie down on the couch, alvy, she had me sitting up. so i told her about-about the-the family and about my feelings toward men and about my relationship with my brother.
and then she mentioned penis envy .  did you know about that?
m'hm.
well, she said that i was very guilty about my impulses toward marriage, and-and children.
and then i remembered when i was a kid how i accidentally saw my parents making love.
m'hm.
oh, i told her my dream and then i cried.
yeah.
in-in .  alvy, in my dream frank sinatra is holding his pillow across my face and i can't breathe.
yeah, and he's strangling me .
 and i keep, you know, it's-
she said, your name was alvy singer.
yeah, yeah, yeah, you. because in the dream .  i break sinatra's glasses.
oh, and god, alvy, i did .  this really terrible thing to him. because then when he sang it was in this real high-pitched voice.
well, she said that i should probably come five times a week. and you know something? i don't think i mind analysis at all. the only question is, will it change my wife?
will it change my life?
no, i didn't. i said, "will it change my life," alvy.
life. i said, "life."
and, alvy .  and then i told her about how i didn't think you'd ever really take me seriously, because you don't think that i'm smart enough.
a bit rapidly. i don't care what you say about david, he's a perfectly fine teacher!
and what are you doing following me around for, anyway?
i just think we oughta call this relationship quits!
oh.
there's a spider in the bathroom.
there's a big black spider in the bathroom.
my god, i mean, you know how i am about insects.
-i can't sleep with a live thing crawling around in the bathroom.
no.
i know, i know, and a first-aid kit and a fire extinguisher.
yeah.
it was just great!
i called you; you wanna help me .  or not? h'h? here.
well, i like to try to get all points of view.
alvy, you're a little hostile, you know that? not only that, you look thin and tired.
would you like a glass of chocolate milk?
i got the good chocolate, alvy.
it really is lovely. it's in the bathroom.
hey, don't squish it, and after it's dead, flush it down the toilet, okay? and flush it a couple o' times.
oh. what?
yeah?
two?
oh, i-i left it at your house.
i think i left it there, i'm sorry.
well, what are you doing .  what are you doing with-
well, okay. oooh.
it's for my complexion.
oh, don't go, okay? please.
oh, uh, i don't know. i miss you. tsch.
oh, yeah. oh. oh! alvy?
was there somebody in your room when i called you?
i mean was there another- i thought i heard a voice.
yeah?
yeah.
alvy, let's never break up again. i don't wanna be apart.
living together hasn't been so bad, has it?
you know i think that if you let me, maybe i could help you have more fun, you know? i mean, i know it's hard and .  yeah.
alvy, what about .  what if we go away this weekend, and we could-
okay, okay. okay.
yeah.
-me, my god, it's a great day!
hey, you know, i never even visited brooklyn before.
holy cow!
well, i had a really good day, you know that? it was just a real fine way to spend my birthday.
yeah, but it's real close.
oh, darn it.
this is- huh?
what is this? is this a. present? are you kidding?
uh, yeah, uh .  t-t-this is more like a present for you, yeah, but it's-
uh huh. yeah. forget it.
what.  huh?
oh, yeah? what is this, anyway? let me see. okay, let's.  oooh, god! oh, you knew i wanted this .  god, it's terrific, god!
oh! my god!
thank you.
yeah, well, we have the, i mean, they were just a terrific audience, i mean, you know, it makes it really easy for me, because i can be .  huh?
oh.
well, hi!
oh, yeah, really, oh!
oh, neat .  oh, that's very nice, gosh, thanks a lot.
no, no, no, not at all.
oh. what about?
well, hey, that's, that's nice. uh. oh, listen, this is, uh, alvy singer. do you know alvy? uh .  and .  uh .  tony lacey.
hi.
hi, hi, bob .
yeah.
what thing?
thing?
oh, the thing! oh, the thing .  .  yeah .  yeah.
hey-
oh.
oh, gosh.
nice to see you .  bye. yeah. bye.
i don't know, i thought it might be kind of fun, you know what i mean, it'd be nice to meet some new people.
all right, all right, you don't wanna go to the party, so uh, whatta you wanna do?
that day in brooklyn was the last day i remember really having a great time.
well, i've been moody and dissatisfied.
constantly! i'd say three times a week. like the other night, alvy wanted to have sex.
and .  i don't know .  i mean, six months ago i-i woulda done it. i woulda done it, just to please him.
but the thing is-i mean, since our discussions here, i feel i have a right to my own feelings. i think you woulda been happy because .  uh, uh, i really asserted myself.
i don't know, though, i feel so guilty because alvy is paying for it, so, you know, so i do feel guilty if i don't go to bed with him. but if i do go to bed with him, it's like i'm going against my own feelings. i don't know i-i can't win.
sometimes i think-sometimes i think i should just live with a woman.
well, i always wanted to try, you know, but, uh, alvy, uh .  he's very down on it.
you never wanna try anything new, alvy.
that's sick!
yeah. come on. it'd be fun.
alvy, come on, for your own experience. i mean, you wanna write, why not?
oh, do you know something-i didn't tell yuh, we're going to california next week.
yeah .
no, no, no that's not it at all. alvy's giving an award on television. gee, he talks like he's violating a moral issue sitting here.
god.
you know, i can't get over that this is really beverly hills.
god, it's so clean out here.
you know, it was snowing-it was snowing and really gray in new york yesterday.
yes.
well .  h-h huh .  oh, good .  yes, i'll tell him.
excuse me. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, doctor. uh, alvy-alvy, that was the show. they said everything is fine. they found a replacement, so they're going to tape without you.
yeah. listen, doctor, i'm worried.
nothing at all?
what do you mean? do you think he's-
uh-huh .  oh, hospital?
i don't know, this is strange to me, you know.
oh.
oh yeah, stay here? u-huh.
i don't know. i don't know.
yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
boy, this is really a nice screening room. it's really a nice room.
yeah.
yeah.
oh, good. okay.
it's wonderful. i mean, you know they just watch movies all day.
don't you think his girl friend's beautiful?
alvy, uh, let's face it. you know something, don't think our relationship is working.
well, let's see now .  if it has my name on it, then i guess it's mine.
well, uh, alvy, you wanted to break up just as much as i do.
now, look, all the books on death and dying are yours and all the poetry books are mine.
oh-
-god.
right. geez, i feel like there's a great weight off my back. m'mmm.
oh, no, no, no, no, no. i mean, you know, no, no, no, i mean, i think it's really important for us to explore new relationships and stuff like that.
yeah, my analyst thinks this move is keen for me.
well, why should i put you through all my moods and hang-ups anyway?
what?
exactly, but .  exactly. ooooh!
hey, this one's mine, this button. this one, you rem-
i guess these are all yours. impeach, uh, eisenhower .  impeach nixon .  impeach lyndon johnson .  impeach ronald reagan.
hi.
oh, no, i just lost a little weight, that's all. well, you look nice.
oh, alvy, come on.
well, whatta you mean? i mean, it's perfectly fine out here. i mean, tony's very nice and, uh, well, i meet people and i go to parties and-and we play tennis. i mean, that's .  that's a very big step for me, you know? i mean .  i'm able to enjoy people more.
what's so great about new york? i mean, it's a dying city. you read "death in venice."
that's right, that's right. you only gave me books with the word "death" in the titles.
alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life, you know that? i mean, your life is new york city. you're just this person. you're like this island unto yourself.
no. we're friends. i wanna remain friends.
you're mad, aren't you?
alvy, i can't say that that's true at this point in my life. i really just can't say that that's true. i mean, you know how wonderful you are. i mean, you know .  you're the reason that i got outta my room and that i was able to sing, and-and-and, you know, get more in touch with my feelings and all that crap. anyway, look, i don't wanna- listen, listen, listen, uh h'h, so whatta you up to anyway, huh?
no! look, i gotta go.
i'm late.
if you must know, it's a hectic time for tony. the grammys are tonight.
the grammys. he's got a lotta records up for awards.
oh!
just forget it, alvy, okay? let's just forget the conversation.