why would you say that i am insane? i wouldn't say that i've lost my mind simply because i've heard the voices and seen the godless things moving in the woods. if anything, i think more clearly now than ever before. i know now that there is such a thing as a living evil. a dark and shapeless thing that lives not in the spaces we know, but between them. in the dark. in the night. and it wants the exact same thing as you and i: a chance at warm life on this earth. it doesn't care that is already had that chance . once. now listen closely because there isn't much time. listen and believe, because it's all true. dissolve to:
i first saw the damn thing at that blasted cabin. the necronomicon. an ancient sumarrian text, bound in human flesh and inked in human blood. it contained bizarre burial rites, prophesies. and instruction for demon resurrection. it was never meant for the world of the living.
the book awoke something dark in the woods. superimpose:
it got into my hand and it went bad.
so i lopped it off at the wrist.
in order to rid myself of the foul thing, i read from a passage in the book that was supposed to open a hole. a hole in time that would send the evil back. and it worked. 9 a bandaged, one handed ash 9 recites the incantation from the necronomicon.
i just didn't plan on coming along.
take is easy now chief. i don't know how i got here and i'm not lookin' for any trouble.
where the hell they put the stirrups on this thing!!??
giddypu!
no!
who wants to know?
you ain't leadin' but two things now, pal. jack and shit. and jack left town.
hey, i never even saw these assholes before.  he spins to duke henry the red. you gotta tell 'em you don't know me. we never met. tell him.
come on, you blasted piece of-- he thrusts out his chainsaw arm, yanking the starter cord and.  verrroooooom!!
all right now. who wants to be next? who wants some.
you want some more? huh?! gold tooth and the others give him a wide berth. ash calls out to henry.
now climb on those horses and get out of here.
giddyup now!! hyaaah!
this is my boomstick. it's a twelve gauge, double barreled remington pump. next one of you primitives touch me.  157 ash spins, 157 pointing the barrel just past arthur. he, but no one else, has spotted the surviving second deadite crawling up from the pit on the forgotten chain. the crowds gasp is cut short by. blammity-blam! the shotgun belches flame. the blast cuts the chain, leaving the deadite teetering at the pit's edge.
bring me your hoo do man.
first you wanta kill me, now ya wanna kiss me. he spits out a mouthful of grape seeds.
lady, just leave me alone.
they're mistaken. she stares deeply into his eyes.
well what is it? can you send me back or not?
the necronomicon. yeah, that's the thing that got me here.
me? now way, no day. only place i'm goin' is home. a sudden gust of wind whips up the flames of the fire.
it's a trick. get an axe.
stares over the castle wall to the foreboding wasteland with apprehension. the wind blows upon his hair. sheila appears behind him. she drapes a grey garment over ash. a magnificent cape. ash draws her body close to his. he wraps the cape around her. together they stare off into the night, then turn to one another and kiss. dissolve to:
he wears an iron breastplate with the insignia of arthur's army that compliments his new spring-powered iron hand. his chainsaw juts from it's saddle holster on the horse's back. ash's cape billows as he rides. dissolve to:
what's going on?
clatto verata nicto. okay.
clatto verata nicto.
i got it. i got it. i know your damn words. all right? now you get this straight: i get the book, you send me back. that's the deal. after that i'm history. ash rears up on his horse and gallops into the mist
haaaaaa!
rides out of the wall of mist. he finds himself on a trail leading into a thick forest.
come on! come on! the chainsaw dies. he jerks out his arm to restart it. putt. putt.
blasted piece of junk!
enters the mill.
anybody here?! the place is quiet. ash slumps down against a wall to catch his breath.
this place'll do for the night. get the book in the morning.
listens as the cabin creaks like an old ship beneath the force of the gale.
damn this cold.
'least i won't freeze to death. he turns to a tiny sound.
easy, boy. the horse calms. ash ties it to a tree, patting it's head. a shadow passes behind him. he turns toward the mill.
stares in disbelief, then the wind slams the front door of the mill, halting ash's view. ash races for the mill.
races through the door and toward camera when. smash. ash's reflection shatters. he's run into a mirror. shivering, he picks himself up from the pile of broken glass. he moves to the fireplace and hunches before the flames, camera pans to.
ooops.
nasty little thing's inside me. he stands indignant but double over in sudden pain. well let's see how you like a little hot water! he grabs the hot kettle from the stove and pours the scalding contents painfully down his throat. he sets down the kettle and waits for a moment. a tiny scream emits from ash's stomach
emits a bark of laughter. he clutches as his chest. then his arm. he rips back his shirt sleeve.
why you dirty little. ahhhhhh!!
soon as i get out of this thing i.  yieeee!!
no! not the teeth! yank!
where the hell are ya!?
i can't see ya!!
no, no--not the poke-- sssssssssssss!
okay then. but he halts abruptly as he feels a strange sensation: his shoulder itches. he scratches it. the itch grows. it itches madly. he rips back his shirt. upon his shoulder.  there blinks a third eyeball!!!
staggers about in a frenzy, stumbling over logs and through the
dear god, it's growing bigger!
i know better than to bury you whole.
with shovel in hand, drags a bloody burlap bag from the mill. grunting, he pulls the remains of his evil twin to the base of an old oak tree in the graveyard. ash mumbles nervously to the bloodies burlap bag at his feet as he digs a grave.
now you see what's what. man's body is his own personal property. don't anybody try to take that away from him.
hey, what's that you got on your face?
rest in pieces.
this must be it. the cemetery.
wait. three books? nobody said anything about that. ha! that wiseman was so busy fillin' me fulla his secret words and phrases and, and, his.  bullshit, he forgot to mention anything about that. like do i take all of 'em of one or 'em, or what? well.  he reaches for the first book and opens it.
woah. wrong book. he turns to study.
tries to decide between them. at first he's sure which one it is. then, chiding himself for being so easily duped, chooses the other.
huh. ash reaches for it again and the book bites him!
dear god, help me.  ahhh!!! the batbook is pecking at his eyes!
okay. the words. say the words. klatoo!.  verata.  uh.  uh.  necta.  uh.  nectar.  necktie.  uh.  he hesitates, then calls out boldly.
okay then. but he loses his smile as.  a low rumble is heard on the soundtrack.
a tiny figure among the gravestones which tremble and one by one are thrust from the earth.
hey, wait a minute. everything's cool! i said the words! i did!
no.  no more.  the skeletal fists pepper ash's face with punches.
leave me alone! leave me ahuuu!
jerks backward, vomiting out the skeletal arm. he tumbles to the ground.
keep you damn filthy bones outta my mouth. snap! he breaks the boney arm in two and runs away from the sea of limbs. a bone arm rips from the grave and reaches for the book of the dead but ash scoops it up first. he leaps over another set of groping arms that rip from the ground!
stares in horror at his evil self. all around, skeletons rip from the earth and shriek as they come back to life!
i'm through bein' their garbage boy. i did my part of the bargain. he pats the saddlebag, where the book is and grins. now they owe me. like in the deal. i want back. he whips his horse.  ha! giiddup now!! . and rides off into the darkness. dissolve to:
a tiny figure, rides toward the castle.
is led to the three wisemen.
yes. it's just that.
nothing. here ash produces the necronomicon. now send be back. like in the deal.
yeah. basically.
well, maybe not every single syllable, no. but basically i said them. yes.
hey. we had a deal. you told me, you could clean this thing up, once i got you the book. you said there was a passage in there that could get rid of this thing and send me back.
you wanted the damn book. you got yer book. i did my part of the deal.
yeah. well good. that was the deal. so uh. when do you think we can.
i mean. when can you send me.
no.  they're right. i screwed up. i didn't come through for you, and.  i'm sorry for it.
sheila.  it's over for me. i don't belong here and i'm going home. i didn't have what it took. it's over. he bows his head and moves off. a high pitched shriek is heard!
no!
damn you!
go ahead and run. run home and cry to mama. i'm through runnin'. i stay we stay and fight.
we'll get henry the red and his men to fight with us.
then you'll die. honor and all. now who's with me?
the army of the dead.
they're headed towards arthur's castle. we need your help. fight with us.
the only side i'm takin' is the one that's gonna stop those things. henry laughs.
because after they finish with arthur they'll come after you. together, we've got a chance. besides, you owe me.
walks along, inspecting a line of forty medieval warriors who stand at attention. he halts before a warrior and stares hard at him. the warrior glances towards ash.
you eyeballin' me boy?
i can't hear you!
you squeekin' like a mouse! are you a mouse boy?!
where you from, mouse?!
only two things come from perth: steers and queers. which are you?
takes charcoal from a dead fire and chips of dried cow dung. he mixes them with sulfur.
arrows!
fire!
catapults. south!
he'll be here.
honey. you got real ugly.
we said goodbye to arthur. sure we had our problems. but in the end, he was all right. dissolve to:
peace was made between the two peoples. and a new nation was formed. they offered my a chance to stay among them and teach them. a chance to lead them. to be king. but sheila was gone. besides, i had places to go.
yeah. right.  ash takes the flask and studies it. . but what other choice did i have? dissolve to:
rides off.
i had to find a place to crash. for a very long time.
with the aid of his horse, drags the deathcoaster inside the cave. he sets the horse free.
yahh!! it gallops off.
places a black powder charge at the mouth of the cave. he ignites the fuse and climbs into the car.
i locked the door.
uncorks the flask filled with the wiseman's brew.
i closed my eyes. he lets six drops fall into his mouth. one for each century he must sleep.
i took a drink. ash is unaware that an extra drop has fallen into his mouth! a 7th drop! ash swallows the liquid.
i didn't know if it was day or night. i started.  to get drowsy.  and i slept.
and dreamed.
dreams last lasted centuries.
climbs from the cave and steps into the sunlight.
and when i awoke.
I found that I had slept too long.