come here, sweetheart.  come on.
wanna go for a ride? okay, sweetie?
you've pissed your last floor, you dog-eared monkey.
i'll bet you wish you were some sort of real dog now, huh? don't worry.  this is new york. if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere, you know? you ugly, smelly fuck.
what's he look like?
i got it. you're talking about your dog. i thought that was the name of the colored man i've been seeing in the hall.
like thick molasses, with one of those wide noses perfect for smelling trouble and prison food.
how're you doing?
what i know is that as long as you keep your work zipped up around me, i don't give a fuck what or where you shove your show. are we being neighbors for now?
hope you find him. i love that dog.
i love throwing your dog down the garbage chute.
'somewhat in the dark, she had confessed and he had forgiven. this is what you live for, he said. two heads on a pillow where there is only the safety of being with each other. how, she wondered, could she find such hope in the most shameful part of her.'
'at last she was able to define love. love was.  '
'love was.  '
 son-of-a-bitch-pansy-assed- stool-pusher.
yeeeess!!!
well, that's a load off.
do you realize that i work at him?
do you like to be interrupt when you are danging around in your little garden?
well, i work all the time. so never, never again interrupt me. okay? i mean, never. not 30 years from now.  not if there's fire. not even if you hear a thud from inside my home and a week later there's a smell from in there that can only come from a decaying body and you have to hold a hanky against your face because the stench is so thick you think you're going to faint even then don't come knocking or, if it's election night and you're excited and want to celebrate because some fudge-packer you dated has been elected the first queer president of the united states.  and he's going to put you up in camp david and you just want to share the moment with someone.  don't knock .  not on this door. not for anything. got me. sweetheart?
okay, then.
oh, i'm pissed!! now i am really pissed!!!
no touch. no touch. no touch.
police! police! fucking crooked police.  doughnut-munching morons help me! assault and battery and you're black.
people who talk in metaphors can shampoo my crotch. eat up.
i'm starving.
i've got jews at my table.
how much more you got to eat? your appetite isn't as big as your noses, is it?
the table's fine if it had some cholesterol on it. two sausages, six bacon strips, fries, three eggs over easy and coffee.
we're all gonna die soon. i will. you will. it sure sounds like your son will.
clippity clop -- clippity clop -- she has to pretend she doesn't hear me. listening to the story from the upset friend.  now she drops off the cappuccino and smiles at the putzette who doesn't even say, "thank you." no, the putzette wanted the whipped cream so back she goes and now she has to pass him again and it's getting tougher to make believe.
i see the help -- judgement call.
what's wrong with your son, anyway?
no.
his name?
okay.
how come you're pretending to do cop work -- 'cause i don't think you could find your ass if you were spotted the hole.
just move on. no one here killed him.
ask him.
i'm not saying nothing to you.
hey, where are you going? you can't do this. i can't take a dog. nobody's ever been in here before.
you're dead!!
i don't have dog food. and i won't want dog food here. you'll eat what we have. you'll eat what we eat.
don't you touch anything.
suckered in. set up. pushed around.
well, not until now -- for christ's sake.
it's okay -- i'll sit here.
how old are you?
if i had to guess by your eyes, i'd say you were fifty.
otherwise, you're not ugly.
what's with the dark?
no.  no.  leave it.  the bacon's for the dog.
last week i was playing the piano for him and he likes it, and so i decide i'm going to make a little joke.
it's a beautiful day for our walk.
don't be like me, don't you be like me. you stay just the way you are because you are a perfect man. i'm gonna take you home and get you something to eat.  what you love.
let's go home and do some writing.
"he turned off the gas jets and carried her outside. he kissed her brow and when her eyes opened and found him, he said, 'there are easier ways to break a date.' she laughed. the only sensible ambition he had ever known was now realized. he had made the girl happy. and what a girl. 'you've saved my life,' she said, 'you'd better make it up to me.'"
done! yes, i hate the doggy.  yes, i hate the doggy.
sixty-two books.  done!
he's a pain in the ass.
it's been five weeks.  another few won't kill me.
okay by me.
that's some face they left hanging on you. you look like.
i called. i never touched you. i didn't leave my name or nothing.
over the dog.  an ugly dog.
worst sidewalk in new york and look where they put in.
help!
explain to me how you can diagnose someone as "obsessive compulsive disorder" and then act like i have any choice in barging in.
you said you could help me -- what was that -- a tease?
you changed the room around.
shhhhhhh. i don't have this mountain of available time.  i got to get to my restaurant on time. do you know how hard it is for me to be here?
what if this is as good as it gets?
no. no. get carol.
what are you trying to do to me?
hey, elephant girl, call her or something.  just let her do my one meal here. i'll pay whatever. i'll wait. do it!!!
i'll be quiet. just let me wait. no problem. get her here -- have her get me two sausages, four bacon, two eggs over easy and coffee. i'm not a prick here -- i'm a great customer. this day is a disaster. i can't handle this, too.
there's going to be trouble???
carol's last name?
i'm hungry. you've upset my whole day. i haven't eaten.
this is not a sexist thing. if you were a waiter i would still be here saying.
i am trying to keep emotions out of this. even though this is an important issue to me and i have strong feelings about the subject.
yes, i do, as a matter of fact.  and to prove it i have not gotten personal and you have. why aren't you at work? you're not sick -- you don't look sick.  just very tired and bitter.
what about your mother?
i hear you talk when i'm waiting!!!
how ya doing?
you should answer when someone talks to you.
shut up, kids!
i'll ride up front. cover your mouth when you cough, kid.
yeah, yeah.  any chance you'll get back to work today?
i need this. just say, "melvin, i'll try," okay?
great, wonderful. i don't need you to wait with me.
what's it mean?
oh god, this is like a nightmare.
i think of a man and take away reason and accountability.
is he dead yet?
absolutely.
sure thing.
where'd they teach you to talk like this -- some panama city "sailor want to hump-hump bar"? or was today getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey. sell crazy some place else -- we're all stocked up here.
maybe i'll bring him some food by.
it smells like shit in here?
that cleaning woman doesn't.
where are all your queer party friends?
nellie, you're a disgrace to depression.
no need to stop being a lady.  quit worrying -- you'll be back on your knees in no time.
well, i'll do one thing for you that might cheer you up.
don't piss on a gift, tough guy. you want to know why the dog prefers me.  it's not affection. it's a trick.
i carry bacon in my pocket.
now we'll both call him.
yo, yo, yo.
stupid dog. i don't get it.
carol the waitress?
i was working.  can't you just drop me a thank-you note?
note. put it in the note.
to get you back at work so you can wait on me.
you waiting for me to say something? what sort of thing do you want? look, i'll be at the restaurant tomorrow.
what needs clearing up?
i'm sorry. we don't open for the no-sex oaths until 9 a.m.
okay!!!! anything else?!?
so you'll be at work?
i took a chance you were up.
i brought you chinese soup.
i have never been so tired in my life. okay, if i sit here?
i haven't been sleeping. i haven't been clear or felt like myself. i'm in trouble. some son of a bitch is burning my bridges behind my back.  but the tiredness -- boy.  not just sleepy.
yeah.
i'm glad we did this.
good talking to you.
it's not my dog and this simon seems to have enough on his mind -- but he did throw up twice and his spark is off.
i did. and his stomach is out of whack. so they need him for a couple of days.
what's this?
really nice. shouldn't that be a good thing.  telling someone, 'no thanks required.'
"what?" look at you.  you sense a mark.
about a dog.
concerned. i'm just the hall monitor here.
yeah. if his parents are alive they've got to help -- those are the rules. good.
think white and get serious.
like the wind but i'm not doing it.
he wants me to take his car and his client to baltimore.
okay. i'll take him. get him packed -- ready -- tomorrow morning.
okay.  so i'll see you tomorrow. let's not drag this out. we don't enjoy another that much.
last word freak.
yes. i'm going to give my queer neighbor a lift to baltimore.
hey, what i did for you is working out?
no.  no thank you notes.
lovely.
nice of you.  thank you.
now i want you to do something for me.
i want you to go on this trip.
i can't do this alone. i'm afraid he'll pull the stiff one eye on me. i need you to chaperon. separate everything but cars. you said you liked convertibles. now i'm on the hook.
two days.
you take off when you have to.
bettes tells me he's doing fine.
what's that got to do with it?
write me a note and ain't she sweet. i need a hand and where'd she go.
is there another way to see it?
woo-woo.
are you still coming?
just south to baltimore, maryland. so i know what you're going to ask next. that you might ask -- i'm not certain.
oh. we might. yes. we can. let's.
whether crabs are in season there now.
no. everybody gets their own cage?
put him in with that one, not that one.  .  builds his confidence.
soak it up -- it's your last chance at a hug for a few days.
thanks for being on time.  carol, the waitress, this is simon, the fag.
let's do the small talk in the car. load up.
i was going to do that for you.
i -- uh, i.  well, there is no place cards or anything.
never a break. never.
you're really jammed back there.
welcome.
i got the whole ride programmed.
just wanted to see what you'd do. no, we have greatness here.
doesn't matter. she's enjoying herself. consider it part of the music.
nonsense!
this stuff is pointless.
you like sad stories -- you want mine.
 my father didn't leave his room for 11 years -- he hit my hand with a yardstick if i made a mistake on the piano.
that's not true. some of us have great stories.  pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. just not anybody in this car. but lots of people -- that's their story -- good times and noodle salad.  and that's what makes it hard. not that you had it bad but being that pissed that so many had it good.
not at all, huh?!.  let's go to the hotel. and if you're lucky tomorrow dad will give you another wad of sweaty money.
two bedrooms and the sofa opens.
yes.  sure. i'll take the sofa.
can i ask you a personal question?
do you ever get an erection for a woman?
wouldn't your lie be a lot easier if you were not.
i give you that one.  nice packing.
dancing?
i'm going to jump in the shower. i'll be right with you.
they sell hard shell crabs here?
hi. you have hard shells, right?
just him and that's it. okay, you can answer -- we've worked it out.
what?
no.  i'm not wearing that -- and just in case you were going to ask i'm not going to let you inject me with plaque either.
wait here.
i need a coat and tie.
no.
that jacket and give me a tie.
you have hard shells?
everyone else says you do.
no, it's all right. i'll just watch.
i've been thinking about that since you brought it up before.
no.  .  i don't get this place. they make me buy an outfit but they let you wear a house dress. i don't get it.
no. wait. what? why? i didn't mean it. you gotta sit down. you can still give me the dirty look.  just sit down and give it to me.
that monominute somebody gets that you need them they threaten to go away. never fails.
okay.
can we order first?
two crab dinners and pitcher of cold beer. baked or fries?
one baked -- one fries.
okay, i got a real great compliment for you and it's true.
don't be pessimistic. it's not your style. okay.  here i goes.  clearly a mistake. i have this -- what? ailment.  and my doctor -- a shrink.  who i used to see all the time.  he says 50 or 60 percent of the time a pill can really help. i hate pills. very dangerous things, pills. "hate," i am using the word "hate" about pills. my compliment is that when you came to my house that time and told me how you'd never -- well, you were there, you know.  the next morning i started taking these pills.
you make me want to be a better man.
then i've really overshot here 'cause i was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.
takes months to know.  they work little by little. talking like this is exhausting.
never.
you don't owe me that.
well, ah.  that's a personal question.
there are lots of reason.  i had a thought that if you had sex with simon it might.
it's one idea.
i don't know why i brought you -- that idea occurred to me is all.  it came out first.  hey, you kiss him -- me.  he says he loves you. you two hit it off. but you don't want to.  fine.  forget what i said about sex with simon. it was a mistake.
it was a mistake.
so then, the next thing i know, she's sitting right next to me, and then, well, it's not right to go into the details, but i screwed up. i got nervous. i said the wrong thing and if i hadn't, i could be in bed now with a woman who if you could make her smile you got a life. instead, i'm here with you, no offense, a moron pushing the last legal drug.
did you have sex with her?
sorry, didn't realize she was right there. did you have sex with her?
i get why you're angry. it's no snap to explain why i was like that, but let's not try to do it on the run.
 now he's going to want to stay. and they'll want to take a ride to the lake or whatever. so it's a good five hours back. it gives us a chance to take it easy and.
what are you talking about? you got real problems.
aww jesus! no choice.
nothing like no choice to make you feel at home.
do it then. get the dog picked up. i can't believe you let it stay there.
good-bye. well, your luck is holding. they sublet your place. you're homeless. frank's got a line on another place you can use for now.
does it matter?
what do you mean? you said you liked it.
this one has a special meaning.
here are the keys to my apartment. i'm going to park you in my place while i take carol home.
i'll take you.  why not?
don't say anything.
i told you to go on in.
i think you gotta camp it here.
they took your place furnished. jackie said she grabbed your personal stuff -- they were supposed to set you up here. there's this extra room -- i never use. it gets good light. no other answer really.
they did a nice job.  cozy, huh?
i'll tell you, buddy, i'd be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me.
look, we both want the dog -- and.
here. take the dog.
hello.
how you doing?
that seems like a good choice.
the two might go together.
cute.
okay to say something now?
i should've danced with you.
so long.
you going to come talk to me or not?
i'm a great guy -- "extraordinary".  .  and she doesn't want contact with me. i'm dying here.
no.  and you're supposed to be sensitive and sharp.
i don't know.  let me sleep on it and figure it out. because i'm stuck! can't go back to what i had.  she's evicted me from my life.
it was better than this.  look, you, i'm very intelligent. if you're going to give me advice or conversation or consolation or hope, you got to be better than you're doing. if you can't be at least momentarily interesting than shut the hell up. i'm drowning and you're describing water.
well, if that's true then i'm really in trouble.
absolutely not.
hey.  i'm charged here. but she might kill me for showing up this late.
okay. thanks a lot. here i go.
i forgot to lock the door.
were you asleep?
'cause if you were asleep -- i'm sorry. and you could be grouchy.
 'cause of being woken up, and it would make my job impossible. so then i wouldn't even try.
were you asleep?
i'm sorry i woke you -- some other time.
what a break.
i had to see you.
it relaxes me.  i'd feel better just sitting on the curb in front of your house than anyplace else i can think of or imagine.
wait a minute, i'm overstating here, maybe the inside stairs. i don't want to sit with my feet in the gutter. what does that serve? it only.
boyfriend?
maybe we could live without the wise cracks.
it feels a little confined here. let's take a walk.
if you need an excuse, there's a bakery on the corner. there's a shot it'll open soon -- that way we're not screwy -- we're just two people who like warm rolls.
i'm feeling.  i've been feeling better.
hey, i've got a great compliment for you.
just let me talk. i'm the only one on the face of the earth who realizes that you're the greatest woman on earth. i'm the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing you do -- in every single thought you have.  in how you are with spencer -- spence.  .  in how you say what you mean and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good.
i think most people miss that about you and i watch wondering how they can watch you bring them food and clear their dishes and never get that they have just met the greatest woman alive.  and the fact that i get it makes me feel great.  about me! you got a real good reason to walk out on that?
i'm gonna grab you. i didn't mean it to be a question. i'm gonna grab you.
i know i can do better.