alright, luv! love it! turn. pout for me baby. smashing!
crazy baby. give me some shoulder. yes! yes! yes! no. no.
get these off to fab magazine right away.
thanks, baby.
oh, behave!
so many women, so little time.
judo chop! judo chop!
you might want to protest a bit louder next time, luv.
hello, mrs. kensington.
we know all that, exposition.
dr. evil? i thought i put him in jail for good.
just where you'd never think to look for him. we'll be there.
thank you.
yes?
thank you. let's go, baby!
hey, mick!
well, you can't always get what you want.
good on ya, man.
hey, how are you?
here, have this can of campbell's tomato soup.
if you can become famous, everyone will have their fifteen minutes of fame, man.
smashing!
in the but-tocks.
wait, i've got an idea.
that ain't no woman! it's a man, man. it's one of dr. evil's assassins.
where's doctor evil?
i've got you again, dr. evil!
where am i?
who are these people?
yes, i'm having trouble controlling&emdash; the volume of my voice!
russian intelligence? are you mad?
thank god. those capitalist dogs will finally pay for their crimes against the people,
groovy. smashing! good on ya! nice tie. yea capitalism!
when do i begin?
you mean mrs. kensington?
my god, vanessa's got a smashing body. i bet she shags like a minx. how do i tell them that because of the unfreezing process, i have no inner monologue? i hope i didn't say that out loud just now.
well, as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection, while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding
if it's a lie, goddamn her. it it's the truth, goddamn me. god, i hope that's witty. how's your mum?
thank you, exposition.
yes?
thanks.
actually, my name's austin powers.
danger's my middle name.
that's not mine.
i'm telling you, baby, that's not mine.
i don't even know what this is. this sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
ok, ok man, don't get heavy, i'll sign. just to get things moving, baby.
my jumbo jet? smashing baby.
pretty groovy jumbo jet, eh? how does a hot chick like you end up working at the ministry of defense?
that's fascinating, vanessa. listen, why don't we go into the back and shag?
i've been frozen for thirty years, man, i want to see if my bits and pieces are still working.
my wedding tackle.
my meat and two veg.
have you ever made love to a chigro?
you know, a chigro&emdash; part chinese, part negro&emdash; chigro.
that's right. you're supposed to say 'colored' now, right? here's the stewardesses! bring on the sexy stews!
oh, i get it, it's like 'i'm not a whore, i'm a sex worker', baby.
seems pretty straightforward, don't you think. listen darling, i think you're a fabulous bird. can i get your telephone number?
smashing! when we land i'll give you a tinkle on the telling bone.
brrrr! she must be frigid. there's two things i know about life: one, americans will never take to soccer. two, swedish girls and stewardesses love to shag!
do i make you horny?
do i make you horny? randy, you know. to you, am i eros manifest?
listen, vanessa, i'm a swinger&emdash; that's what i do, i swing.
what's you point, vanessa?
thank you, exposition.
yes?
you've preserved my jag! smashing!
let me guess. the floss is garotte wire, the toothpaste contains plastic explosives, and the toothbrush is the detonation device.
why? what's wrong with my teeth?
so, shall we shag now, or shall we shag later? how do you like to do it? do you like to wash up first? top and tails? a whore's bath? personally, before i'm on the job, i like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how's-your-father.
i'm just joking, vanessa. trying to get a rise out of you.
gor blimey, nerd alert.
hey, who put this in here? someone's playing a prank on me! honestly, this isn't mine.
i think i'll give that stew a ding-a- ling.
i got her answering machine.
i love las vegas, man. oh, i forgot my x-ray glasses.
i'm going to use a cover name. it's important that it be a generic name so that we don't draw attention to ourselves.
do you mind if i join you?
i can't see a bloody thing.
uh, hit me.
yes, i also like to live dangerously.
cards are not my bag, man. allow myself to introduce. myself. my name is ritchie cunningham.
this is my wife, enid.
i'm sorry, i'm just not getting it. it sounds like you're saying your name is a lot of. never mind. listen, cats, i'm going to crash. it's been a gas.
peace, baby.
that cat number two has an x-ray eyepatch. i get bad vibes from him, man. listen, we should go back to the room, but first i have to go to the naughty chair and see a man about a dog.
too right, youth.
uh, uh!
who does number two work for?
who does number two work for?
good morning, luv, who are you on the phone with?
good morning, vanessa! i hope you have on clean underwear.
we've got a doctor's appointment&emdash; an evil doctor's appointment.
let me see.
hello, hello. that's dr. evil's cat.
i never forget a pussy. cat.
he's too well-protected right now.
let me tell you a story. there's these two bulls on top of a hill checking out some foxy cows in the meadow below. the young bull says, 'hey, why don't we run down the hill and shag us a cow?', and the wise old bull replies, 'no, why don't we walk down the hill and shag all the cows?'
well, you know. cows, and shagging.
no worries, luv. we'll just give basil a tinkle on the telling bone.
my god, vanessa, you are so incredibly beautiful. stay right where you are.
you're crazy. the camera loves you, vanessa.
go, vanessa, go!
alright, luv! love it! turn. pout for me vanessa. smashing! crazy. give me some shoulder. yes! yes! yes!
show me love. yes! smashing!
great! great! smashing! yes! yes! yes! no! no!
give me eyes. give me cornea. give me aqueous humour. coming in closer. give me retina, vanessa. even closer. give me optic nerve. love it! and. done.
i'm spent. what say you we go out on the town?
fancy a nibble?
sorry. move your hand to the left. there you go. gorgeous.
left hand, blue.
wait a tick, i forgot something in the lobby. i know what. i'll take the stairs.
maybe i'll take the escalator.
why take the escalator when i could take a canoe?
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry that bug up your ass had to die.
no, this is me in a nutshell.
help! i'm in a nutshell! what kind of nut has such a big nutshell? how did i get into this bloody great big nutshell?
you're smashed, vanessa.
oh, yes you are.
i can't. you're drunk.
she was very groovy. she was so in love with your dad. if there was one
right away, exposition.
she's working on another lead right now.
thank you, basil.
yes?
oh, yes. thank you.
yes?
thank you.
paging dr. freud.
give it to me baby. super.
pout for me, luv. smashing. yes! yes! yes! no! no!
and i'm spent.
you seem surprised to see me.
what, and watch all my earnings go.  down the toilet?
call me ritchie, miss fagina. may i call you alotta.  please?
your boss, number two, i understand that cat's involved in big underground drills.
i didn't, baby, you just told me.
behave!
i'd rather talk about number two.
groovy.
or sometimes not at all.
sak-i it to me!
mmmm. i feel extreme relaxation.
'pardon me for being rude, it was not me, it was my food.
'milk, milk, lemonade.
to my health.
is it about my teeth?
damn. what exactly do you do at virtucon?
i think it was wordsworth who penned this little gem: 'press the button, pull the chain, out comes a chocolate choo-choo train.'
hello, exposition.
thank you, exposition. only two things, scare me, and one is nuclear war.
excuse me?
carnies.
circus folk. nomads, you know. they smell like cabbage.
maybe these photographs are the last piece of that puzzle. i've uncovered the details on project vulcan. it's a new subterranean warhead delivery system.
that's not your mother, that's a man!
i'm sorry, basil, i thought she was a man.
you must admit, she is rather mannish. no offense, but if that's a woman, it looks like she's been beaten with an ugly stick.
look at her hands, baby! those are carpenter's hands.
i think if everyone were honest, they'd confess that the lady looks exactly like a man in drag.
yes, basil?
thanks.
of course, luv.
don't be sorry. you're right to be suspicious. i shagged her. i shagged her rotten.
of course, i had my nine-millimeter automatic.
only sailors use condoms, man.
well they should, filthy beggars, they go from port to port. alotta meant nothing to me.
it was just a shag, vanessa. you're everything to me.
hello, luv.
yeah, i can't believe liberace was gay. women loved him, man. i didn't see that one coming.
out and about, doing odds and sods.
since i've been unfrozen, i've had a rancid taste in my mouth. do you have a piece of gum?
who?
no! don't lay your hang-ups on me, vanessa. you're being very trippy.
i'll take him, you take her.
don't worry, baby. i picked up a mind control technique during my travels to india. i learned it from my guru, the late guru shastri, a chaste man who mysteriously died of a disease that had all the hallmarks of syphilis.
sure.
everything seems to be in order.
hold on one second.
here, have a piece of gum.
don't mind if i do.
no, no, i want you to have it, even if it's my last piece.
i'm going to go across the street and get you some sherbert.
judo chop! judo chop!
our only way out of here is to drive out!
hang on! i'm going to floor it!
where did you learn to shoot?
where? where?
yes, act naturally and we'll split this scene the way we came in, vanessa.
what's wrong with your hand?
i'm sorry, baby, i'm just not grocking your head space.
does that make you horny?
dr. evil, do you really expect them to pay?
first, i plan to soil myself. then, i plan to regroup and think about the next move. any thoughts?
all right, i get it. i have bad teeth. you have to understand, in britain in the sixties you could be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth. it didn't matter.
smashing idea! give it to me.
judo chop!
hold on, vanessa!
not a good time to lose one's head.
that's not the way to get ahead in life.
it's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.
fair enough.
we've got a freaked out square and world annihilation is his bag. you go get help. i'm gonna stay here and keep an eye on the bad doctor.
too right, youth. that's why i need you to lead the troops.
listen, vanessa, whatever happens, i just want you to know that i feel bad about shagging that italian girl. i had a sip of sake and all of the sudden, i don't know what happened. the whole time i was shagging her&emdash; i mean really shagging her, i mean it was crazy, i was like a huge mechanical piston, in and out, in and out!&emdash;
anyways, what i'm trying to say is that if you want me to be a one-woman man, well, that's just groovy, because. i love you.
hello, hello.
no, actually, i have to save the world.
is it cold in here?
i've got to get dr. evil! margaret thatcher naked on a cold day! margaret thatcher naked on a cold day! margaret thatcher naked on a cold day!
au contraire, i think you can't resist me.
it's not what it looks like, vanessa. at ease, boys.
i can explain. they attacked me. gas came out of her. well, and then they. and i.
hold on a tick, let me put on my togs.
follow me! we're going to have to jump over the rail!
don't worry!
blast! out of ammo.
i'm going it alone this time, vanessa. i have a follow-up visit with the evil doctor.
well, destructacon 5000, you have quite a head on your shoulders, i dare to coin.
really? let me ask you this. what is love?
why not? it's a question.
where's the abort button?
ow! that really hurt. i'm going to have a lump there, you idiot! who throws a shoe? you fight like a woman.
care for a drink?
shocking.
nooooooo!
i've got you, dr. evil!
no, man, what we swingers were rebelling against were uptight squares like you, whose bag was money and world domination. we were innocent, man. if we'd known the consequences of our sexual liberation, we would have done things differently, but the spirit would have remained the same. it's freedom, man.
that's why right now is a very groovy time, man. we still have freedom, but we also have responsibility.
it seems the tables have turned again, dr. evil.
man, you are one chilly square!
let's split!
lay it on me.
that's fab, because i love you, too, vanessa.
behave!
just when things were getting interesting.
i'd say that about sums it up, exposition.
congratulations, field agent kensington!
thanks, basil. maybe the nineties aren't so bad after all.
yes basil?
so, dr. evil, do you expect the world to pay the ransom?
behave!