gentlemen, are we all here? good. as you know, my plot to high-jack nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage has failed. again. this organization will not tolerate failure.
mustafa.
frau farbissina.
i spared your lives because i need you to help me rid the world of the only man who can stop me now. we must go to london. i've set a trap for austin powers!
not this time. come, mr. bigglesworth! see you in the future, mr. powers!
i'll be back, mr. powers, when free love is dead, and greed and avarice once again rule the world.
ladies and gentlemen, it's been a long time, but i'm back. it's all gone perfectly to plan except for one small flaw. because of a technical error, my right arm was not frozen. i was therefore by definition only partially frozen.
can't you see i'm only half a man? look at me, i'm a freak!
and look what you've done to mr. bigglesworth!
silence!
let this be a reminder to you all that this organization will not tolerate failure.
gentlemen, let's get down to business.
we've got a lot of work to do.
some of you i know, some of you i'm meeting for the first time.
you've all been gathered here to form my evil cabinet. excuse me.
right. okay. moving on.
let me go around the table and introduce everyone. frau farbissina.
founder of the militant wing of the salvation army. random task.
a korean ex-wrestler, evil handyman extraordinaire. show them what you do.
thank you, random task. patty o'brien.
ex-irish assassin. his trademark?
a superstitious man, he leaves a tiny keepsake on every victim he kills. scotland yard would love to get their hands on that piece of evidence.
finally, i come to my number two man. his name: number two.
for thirty years, number two has run virtucon, the legitimate face of my evil empire.
gentlemen, i have a plan. it's called blackmail. the royal family of britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. either the royal family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it look like prince charles, the heir to the throne, has had an affair outside of marriage and, therefore, they would have to divorce.
people have to tell me these things. i've been frozen for thirty years, throw me a bone here. ok, no problem. here's my second plan. back in the sixties i had a weather changing machine that was in essence a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." using this laser, we punch a hole in the protective layer around
right. oh, hell, let's just do what we always do. let's hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. gentlemen, it's come to my attention that a breakaway russian republic called kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the united nations in a few days. here's the plan. we get the warhead, and we hold the world ransom.  . for one million dollars!
all right then.  . five million dollars!
oh, really? one-hundred billion dollars. ok, make it happen. anything else?
yes.
my son?
hello, scott. i'm your father, dr. evil. i have a son! i have a son! everyone, i have a son! someday, scott, this will all be yours.
austin powers is getting too close. he must be neutralized. any suggestions?
breathtaking, frau. these automated strumpets are the perfect bait for the degenerate powers.
quite impressive.
i like to see girls of that caliber. by caliber, i mean both the barrel size of their guns and the high quality of their character. forget it.
gentlemen, phase one is complete. the warhead is ours. let phase two begin! patch us through to the united nations security secret meeting room.
gentlemen, my name is dr. evil.
in a little while, you'll find out that the kreplachistani warhead has gone missing. well, it's in safe hands. if you want it back, you'll have to pay me. one million dollars!
sorry. one-hundred billion dollars!
doctor evil! i didn't spend six years in evil medical school to be called 'mister'.
fine, have it your way. gentlemen, you have five days to come up with one
really? so long.
gentlemen, in exactly five days from now, we will be one-hundred billion dollars richer. ha-ha-ha-ha. ha-ha-ha-ha.
okay. well. i think i'm going to watch some tv.
evil, actually, doctor evil.
but scott, who's going to take over the world when i die?
an evil vet?
an evil petting zoo?
no, the boy's right. i really am evil.
actually, the boy's quite astute. i am trying to kill him. my evil associates have cautioned against it, so here he is, unfortunately, alive.
the details of my life are quite inconsequential.
very well, where should i begin? my father was a relentlessly self- improving boulangerie owner from belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. my mother was a fifteen-year-old french prostitute named chloe with webbed feet. my father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. a sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. my childhood was typical.
frau farbissina, check on our guests.
welcome to my underground lair, mr. powers. mrs. kensington's daughter, how lovely. i believe your name is vanessa? i'd shake your hands, except for obvious reasons.
my hand, dammit! look at it!
don't try to suck up to me! it's a little late for that. i'm a freak!
oh forget it. as a fellow player on the international stage, mr. powers, i'm sure you'll enjoy watching the curtain fall on the third and final act.
gentlemen, i give you the vulcan.
the world's most powerful subterranean drill.
so powerful it can penetrate the earth's crust, delivering a 50 kiloton nuclear warhead into the planet's hot liquid core. upon detonation, every volcano on the planet will erupt.
gentlemen, your deadline is in three hours. you have your instructions.
come join us for dinner, won't you mr. powers?
i think you'll enjoy the food. i have the best chef in the world. his name is ezekial. he's made of seventy-five percent plastic.
scott my boy, come here. how was your day?
fascinating. what are your plans for this evening?
and that's how you want to live your life, is it?
scott, i want you to meet daddy's nemesis, austin powers.
in due time.
i have a better idea. i'm going to put him in an easily-escapable situation involving an overly- elaborate and exotic death.
one more peep out of you and you're grounded. let's begin.
mr. powers, vanessa, some friends of mine are joining us for dinner.
no, mr. powers, i expect them to die. even after they pay me the money, i'm still going to melt all the cities of the world with hot magma. all right, guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.
release the sharks! all the sharks have had laser beams attached to their heads. i figure every creature deserves a warm meal.
yes, what is it? you're interrupting my moment of triumph.
right. mr. powers, we're going to lower you in a tank of piranhas with laser beams attached to their heads.
what is it now?
i have one simple request&emdash; sharks with friggin' laser beams attached to their heads, and it can't be done? remind me again why i pay you people?
right.
really? are they ill-tempered?
fine. whatever. mutated, ill- tempered sea bass it is. come, let's return to dinner. close the tank.
no, we'll leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, and we'll just assume it all went to plan.
no scott. you just don't get it, do you?
come, everyone, let us repair to the main chamber. project vulcan is about to begin. scott, are you coming?
don't you want to see what daddy does for a living?
what did you say?
arm the probe!
probe in place.
five minutes to go. let the penetration countdown begin.
activate the blast shutters!
launch the subterranean probe!
come, mr. bigglesworth!
well done, mr. powers. we're not so different, you and i. it's true, you're british, and i'm belgian. you have a full head of hair, mine is slightly receding. you're thin, i'm about forty pounds overweight. ok, we are different, i'm not making a very good point. however, isn't it ironic, mr. powers, that the very things you stand for&emdash; swinging, free love, parties, distrust of authority- are all now, in the nineties, considered to
your freedom has cause more pain and suffering in the world than any plan i ever dreamed of. face it, freedom failed.
really, there's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster.
well, it seems the tables have turned, mr. powers.
not really. kill the little bastard. see what i care.
i had the group liquidated, you little shit. they were insolent.
scott, don't say that.
i'll get you yet, austin powers!
no, mr. powers, i expect them to die.