first things first, where's your shitter? i've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out.
i've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them.
the name is fat bastard! i'm the incorrect weight for my height and i was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker fat bastard. hey, i'm not kiddin'. i've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey.
where's my money?
fine, you can take your in' money and shove it up your , you stupid prick! while you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned !
you!
alright, here it is.
it'll be my pleasure.
and i'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and.  a fresca. no ice.
and i love a woman with big , so let's shut up and get to ing.
i always get in' hungry after i get my end away!
you want some chicken? i have more!
frisky are we? alright lets have another go!
christ almighty, it smells terrible in here.
great, now it smells like someone took a shite in a pine tree.
what about powers?
c'mon, give the lads a show. take of your top. put 'em on the glass! make 'em bounce. let's have a look at your tits.
looking for this, mr. powers?
i give the orders, for brains. guards, take them back to their cells.
alright, i guess i owe you that much for a night of carnal ecstasy.
what kind of stupid ass question is that? i'm in' rich and i'm up to my tits in clean stinky.
it's about my girth isn't it? sure i could lose a few pounds, but i could shiva git!
of course i'm not happy. look at me, i'm a big fat slob. i've got bigger titties than you do! i've got more in' chins than a chinese phone book. i've got more crack cheese than a in' dairy. i've nay seen ma willie in two years. that's enough time to declare it legally deed! i can't stop eating. i eat because i'm unhappy and i'm unhappy because i eat. i'm caught in a cycle and there's no escape!
maybe there's big crap inside me trying to get out, jack-ass! enough of your in' new age aphorisms. listen, i've run the gamut of self- help books. "food isn't love", right, but how do you get it from the page to the in' fork? i'm so weak, i hate myself. i'm for shite. here, take the mojo.
i appreciate you trying to reach me, no one can do it for me, i know this now. there's a hole in my soul that food won't fill. this is the beginning of a new me. i'm gonna go to the gym everyday. if you'll excuse me, there's someone i have to get in touch with and forgive.  myself. sorry. i farted. it's a long road ahead.