my chakras are aligned and i am in a perfect state of equipoise.
hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. i must lead my disciples in meditation and then i will help you.
my name is the guru pitka. i am a spiritual teacher and i have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that i learned from my guru, the late guru shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. he would say to me, sparky, love is all, life is breath.
now, perhaps you are wondering where i got the nickname sparky. well, when we were young we used to play a game called "stinkmop". we would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. i did not care for "stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, sparky', and i don't know, the name kind of stuck.
now, the reason i am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. now what is potentiality? it is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. people often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and i am going to change that to "now here."
and you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
the being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. it is not the taughts. it is the gap between the tinker and the taughts! we are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the gap!
the heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. there is no "i" in "team". beer before liquor, never sicker. don't take a wooden nickel. if your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. he who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger.
finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. leggo of my ego! let us end with the mantra: om ay vant yu uh.  mo ay vant yu uh.  mo ay vant yu hu.
go with god, and pay at the door please.
how can i help you?
what do you mean?
i'm not understanding.
still not clear.
sorry?
why are you beating around the bush?
ohhhhh, i get it. no, i don't get it.
oh, yes, i see.
not a word.
oh, mojo! you should have said so. well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. you have lost love.
denial ain't just a river in egypt, buddy. you will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love.
i am talking about true love. you must stay and study until you are worthy.