-- and for weeks i sat by her bed and cried. i told her i loved her and i begged her not to leave me. all i could think about was what i'd lose if she died. and then one night.  she was in really bad pain.  i stopped thinking about myself for a second and i thought about her. i stopped crying. i said goodbye. and in less than an hour ella was gone.
i really think it's possible to hold a person back.  cry them back.  from dying. that's what i did to ella and i'll never do it to anyone else again. i hope no one ever does it to me.
shit.
dolly! the bulb burned out!
dolly?
see? surprises suck!
you guys! let me think! okay. okay.
very funny! actually, any moment now you're gonna turn straight and fall at my feet.
he's here. and he's staring at me again.
don't! wait a few seconds, then go to the bathroom.
he's beautiful. and much older.
okay, look.
oh, shit.
thanks.
thanks.
shut up!
hey, dolly, how do you know him?
okay, bitch, i'm ready!
oh my god, i'm so sorry! wait. who is this?
my friend simon, actually. he always calls me the morning after to sort of.  you know.  sum everything up.
kinda cool, kinda creepy. anyway, you wanna speak to my grandmother?
really? wow. sounds fun. okay.
uh-huh.
but that doesn't necessarily --
any particular style?
a week or two.
oh. wow. okay.
i don't really have one. i usually just make them for friends.
really? wow.
yeah?
i know.
i know.
bye.
why don't you mark what isn't important? that way you'll save ink.
oh, come on, just last week, you said you were on a roll. you loved it!
i think you're incredibly lucky. i'd love to be going to college.
spoiled brats don't even ask questions like that. what do you think?
keane!
oh, really?
thank you.
i couldn't get a cab, so i took the subway.  only it was an express and it didn't stop at --
i know.  i'm so sorry.  i --
i could leave and come back.
i can't. i'm soaked.
i wanted it to be a tiny poem.
why?
like this?
it's okay? are you sure?
from ella. the woman whose memorial you crashed.
uh-huh. and the next time i saw you, you were on the cover of new york magazine. and i had to pick a place for my birthday. so.
i met ella in the fourth grade. she was my teacher at the little red school house. we stayed friends after she retired. she taught me how to cook and sew.  speak italian.  basically enjoy life, have fun -- that's what she was best at.  even when she knew she was dying. the most important thing she did was introduce me to poetry. she believed it was the highest form of art and that everything we say and do should aspire to it.
my mom and my dad's. after they died, dolly was so devastated she pretty much gave up on everything. it was like if something that tragic could happen, there was no way she was ever gonna care about anyone else ever again. including herself. she wasn't a horrible parent.  she didn't abuse me or anything.  she just ignored me. she was more like a weird landlady than a grandmother.
for a long time i kinda thought that, too, and i made excuses for her, but now i don't. i was seven years old and i needed her and she wasn't there.
oh, no, come on! i love this stuff! don't you? didn't you grow up on it?
ancient!
have fun!
sort of a date.
you know him?
a major womanizer, right?
charlotte fielding.
same here.
lisa something.
us.
god, you talk like you're a hundred and sixteen!
he asked nonchalantly.
god, it must be a relief.
to finally deliver that speech to a woman and actually have it apply to her.
no, because coincidentally i am all those things you just said. and more.
i'm a "unique". at least that's what my yoga teacher says. he says there are very few uniques in the world and i'm one of them.
you, on the other hand, are what he'd call a "typical."
uh-huh. and i can prove it. want me to? come here.
closer.
no, come on, really close.
perfect. now watch very carefully.
see? you're a typical. and for what you just did, most girls my age would slap your face. or ask to be put in a cab. lucky for you, i'm a unique.
boy, do you look guilty.
didn't anyone ever teach you that it's bad manners to stare at a girl when she's eating like a pig?
uh-oh. here it comes.
okay.
i know. i'm dying.
what i said. nobody thought i'd even last this long.
i could have put off telling you, but i genuinely like you, so i wanted to be clear.  you know, right from the start.
thanks, olivia!
a real charmer, isn't he?
how are you on cambodian money units?
are you okay, old man? you look kinda woozy. is there a doctor in the house?
hey.
look on the bright side: if i weren't sick, there's no way we could hang out together. i'm serious. you'd be scared of hurting me and i'd be scared you were just using me for my perfect young body.
and then our friends would say we were just into each other for weird psychological reasons. you know, because i'm looking for a daddy substitute and you're looking for someone you can feel superior to so you won't have to confront how scared you are of real intimacy -- and, of course, they'd be right and eventually we'd break up. but since i'm so sick it doesn't really matter what deep-seated weirdness has brought us together because there's no way we can possibly screw each other over.  or up.  because that takes time. and i don't have much left.
so considering everything, don't you think we should just sort of chill out, forget i'm sick, and enjoy what we have.  right now.  no strings.  just this.  until it ends? 'cause that's really all i have to offer.
think about it, okay? but not too hard.
last night was so incredibly hot. by the way -- it was my first time. and i picked you for the job. i hope you're flattered.
really? better put some ice on that.
who's she?
so that would be a "no."
what? what's wrong?
i did! i just didn't think it would take so long!
it is when you're sitting by the phone. you wanna know how i knew?
i am, but no -- it's because of my birthday wish.
i know, but i wished that whatever happened.  you know, with my illness.  i'd go out with a bang. nothing heavy. no violins. no melodrama. just fun. a total adventure!
wow, it's getting exciting already.
"lord, i do fear thou'st made the world too beautiful this year! my soul is all but out of me, -- let fall no burning leaf; prithee, let no bird call!"
no, that would be a thing! i don't want to do any thing today. i want to do no thing all day.
uh-huh. no thing at all.
way out!
both out.
possible.
only when i have money.
i agree, and i promise i'll let you give me something else, but not today.
soon. but i'm warning you, it's not going to be anything material.
that's right, but we're not gonna talk about that.
because it's my rule.
yeah, because everybody always wants to talk about miracles, or about some genius quack-doctor, or their friend's friend who went into remission eating nothing but sunflower seeds. it's boring and pointless.
don't start, okay? now what i would enjoy is taking you shopping. for clothes. i'm serious. it's quality not quantity, you know.
at work you should look perfect, but in everyday life you need to delight in disorder more. don't you know? "a sweet disorder in the dress kindles in clothes a wantonness."
it was true when that poem was written three hundred years ago and it's true today. wouldn't it be fun to look wanton occasionally?
totally. accessories rule. but we have to be careful. i don't want you looking too young. nothing's worse than an old guy trying to look young.
you know what i meant.
uh-huh.
perfectly imperfect!
hey, you're giving me the creeps. just spit it out.
so i made the hat for myself? and you bought that dress for me? and you did all this just so you could sleep with me? why? i mean, why me?
and sex seemed like the best way to do it.
well, first of all, let me say, you have great taste because that little dolce & gabbana was to die for.
and, second, don't ever lie to me again.
seriously. there isn't a lie in the whole world i'd rather hear than the truth.
i thought i told you to wait right there!
well, i hope you didn't talk to anybody!
you know what would scare me right now?
this.
have i told you my latest motto?
if it's scary, do it.
i'm not sure that matters.
oh my god.
you're scared, too.
your turn.
what's the matter, old man? can't afford a gym?
"counting the beats, counting the slow heart beats, the bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats, wakeful they lie."
if i could give you anything in the whole world, that's what it would be.
poetry.
ta-da!
don't i look just like her?
you have no idea who i am.
"hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul."
you dummy! emily dickinson! only the greatest american female poet ever!
uncultured swine.
wanna bet?
when do i get to see your costume?
all right, but this is the last last one!
"because i could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me; the carriage held but just ourselves and immortality. we slowly drove, he knew no haste, and i had put away my labor, and my leisure too, for his civility."
"we passed the school where children played at wrestling in a ring; we passed the fields of grazing grain, we passed the setting sun."
i had no idea i was so tired.
and out. where's lucifer?
lemme at 'er!
hey, shouldn't one of your minions be doing that?
-- off to buy crack!
seen beelzebub around?
uh-huh.
shit.
you lost your horns.
uh-huh.
thank you.
you guessed it.
no, i was just wondering if you had sex with that woman.
no, the answer to that's pretty obvious. i meant tonight. on the roof.
that's what i was wondering. i thought, "we're so happy he'd have no reason to do it. and if he did do it, he'd at least look guilty, wouldn't he? but he doesn't. he looks more relaxed than before the party started."
but then i thought, "he's a womanizer -- that's what they say." funny word, huh? sounds like some sorta machine. "and how do you get to be a womanizer? obviously by sleeping with lots of different women for no good reason and being really good at lying about it."
let me finish.
anyway, there's something about being sick right here --
-- that has made me acutely aware of my heart. nothing corny -- i mean, literally.  i feel every beat. i know how sensitive it is. it reacts to everything.
if you're lying to me, i'll know it. did you have sex with wendy on the roof?
my god.  oh my god.
you hate yourself so much!
what about you? do you have anything better?
you know, maybe you're right. maybe this is the best time to end it. because i was actually starting to love you, wills, and that's the last thing i ever wanted.
you have?
but you said wills and my mom were just friends.
why didn't he give her one?
why did he do that?
why didn't you tell me any of this before?
you never talk to me! you never try to help me!
yes! you're my family. you're supposed to take care of me.
no, that's you, dolly! people who have given up don't listen to other people! people who want to die close off! that's not me! i wanted your help! i wanted to learn!
anything.  anything you would ever have told me, i would have listened to! i promise.
okay, i'm chugging scotch, gagging on smoke, and losing my hearing! now why is this so good for me again?!
what? what is it!
eric! wow!
god, long time no see! one night we show up to rent eraserhead and you're just gone!
what's up? ralph said you moved to rockland county!
what does he do?
so what're you doing now?
hey.
so worried you fell asleep. what're you doing here?
how'd you get in?
i didn't know i had a curfew.
none of your business. so what is it? what do you want?
cowardly.
why should i?
let's sleep.
in the morning, we'll talk about what a gigantic asshole you are.
with shannon and simon and eric.
an old friend who used to work at blockbuster.
talked and drank. simon and shannon finally went home. eric and i hung out.
stop. we'll talk about it tomorrow.
and i honestly think i have a right not to tell you.
you're being nosy.
you're worried about where he's been? give me a break!
oh, come on, what's the worst that can happen? well, i guess you could break a hip.
how come?
not even close!
hey!
it's not! it's adult! it's revenge! and if you think it's bad not knowing what i did -- well, it's even worse knowing exactly what you did!
do me a favor, okay? never ask me again what happened with eric. just accept the fact that you'll never, ever know. and if that hurts, then think about it next time you want to cheat on somebody.
what changed?
what were you scared of?
well, for your sake, i hope i am.
when you realize that i'm god.
yeah. no big deal. cramp in the old fifth shakra!
it's no big deal. i just hyperventilated. really.
hey.
stoned.
shhh.
you still owe me a birthday present.
just 'cause i fainted is no excuse for you to bail on your peacock pose.
what?
i've ruined you for other women.
all part of my master plan. do you wanna hear a story.  a bedtime story?
once upon a time, there was a woman on a ship crossing the atlantic and her little boy got sick. very sick. and she said whoever saves my boy's life.  i'll name my next baby after them. well, they got into port and they rushed her son to st. vincent's hospital.  to here.  and they saved his life. and so the mother named her next baby edna st. vincent millay. and edna grew up to be, as i am sure you know, the second greatest female poet in american history.
you're a quick learner -- i like that about you.  "it may be, when my heart is dull, having attained its girth, i shall not find so beautiful the meagre shapes of earth, nor linger in the rain to mark the small of tansy through the dark."
i am so pretentious.
uh-oh. heavy, heavy.
no. no violins. i'm fine. go home.  sleep.
you never talk about my mother. talk about her.
everything. all i remember is that she smelled like vanilla, loved to read to me, and was really good at cutting up fruit. i couldn't believe she didn't cut her fingers off.
i've seen pictures, dummy.
much better.
neither can i.
who?
did you know she was in love with you?
were you in love with her?
why? because she was the only girl in rhode island who wouldn't sleep with you?
then why did you screw her best friend on labor day?
it's just a question.
well done.
but why're you like that? what is it? i mean, you weren't born that way.
but i want everything from you, wills. i rely on you in every way.
so the only reason you don't dump me is because i'm sick? because you know that it's all going to be over, anyway?
i didn't know you could sing!
no, i don't. do you?
you call that a rose? it looks more like a hand grenade!
no way! i'm too pricey!
hello, sunshine!
by the way -- where were you today?
when you called i assumed you were at the restaurant, but when i called back later, jesus said you hadn't been in all day.
why?
oh, really? sexual or professional?
hey! how do you feel about christmas?
i doubt it.
what trip?
i wouldn't really call that a trip.
i thought we had a deal.
lying. you were in ohio yesterday.
but you know i don't want that! you know i've signed papers that --
it isn't your decision!
no! i told you right from the start how i felt and you went behind my back! you lied and --
i won't give people hope when there isn't any.
now i know why you hurt so many women. because you always knew if you held on to one of them, you'd never let go.
when we met, i was so lonely. but i didn't even know it. i'd been alone so long.  almost forever.
but now we have each other. oh, what would i do, wills? what would i do if you weren't here? where would i be?
i'll do whatever i have to! i'll tear up the papers! whatever you want! tell the doctor! because.  i really do want.  i don't want to leave you!
wills?!
how long was i asleep?
wow. and i'm still tired.
what're you doing in there?
liar!
what have i done to you?
no.  i saved you for them.