you going to arnold's bachelor party?
what?
yeah, i was going to go, but i think i better not, because my kid, the young one, the girl, she's been acting up again lately. she's got some kind of allergy, the doctors don't know what.
yeah, do you think so?
yeah, boy, he really lives it up, don't he? did you see that blonde who picked him up for lunch last week? boy, sometimes i wish i was a bachelor. well, you know what i mean. i never seem to get out of the house any more, you know what i mean? about once a week, i go to the movies. we never even see the whole picture. my wife starts worrying about the kids. my youngest kid, the girl, she's got some kind of rash. we don't know what it is. i never seem to see anybody any more. do you know how long it is since i've seen willie duff? i haven't seen willie in about six months. my wife can't stand his wife. you ever seen her, willie's wife?
boy, wait'll you have kids, boy. you'll never get out of the house.
no kidding.
oh, that's wonderful, charlie, that's wonderful!
hey, there's a guy down there, trying to pick up a girl down there.
were you with us about eight years ago when i picked up that chick in front of the bus stop in paterson, new jersey?
yeah, you were there. you were with that girl from brooklyn. we just came from palisades amusement park, and we were driving frankie klein's girl home, and the car broke down right in the middle of route one.
and frankie opened up the hood and the water cap blew right up in the air.
that's right, the cop. he thought frankie shot off a gun.
he was going to pull us all in. oh, man!
oh, that was a lot of fun, those days.
hey, this guy's making out all right. she's giving him the eye now.
where are we now, prince street? i bet you he picks her up before we hit chambers street.
i don't see how you do it.
i couldn't do it, man, i'll tell you that. i wish i could, but i couldn't.
hiya, walter.
walter, what time do you come in in the mornings? you're making us all look lousy, you know that? i get the feeling sometimes, you stay here overnight.
so what's wrong with you, walter?
how serious is it, walter?
no, i'm not going, are you?
yeah, charlie says eddie has a whole bunch of chorus girls lined up for us tonight.
i don't know where he gets all these girls. he's a screwy looking jerk.
yeah. he told me she was a television actress. i think i saw her once on "studio one." she was in a coal mine with some stir-crazy coalminer who was trying to strangle her with a necktie.
now, walter, an old married man like you, with asthma and everything.
yeah, he really banged it up i hear.
no.
i owe you, eddie. i'll pay you tomorrow, payday.
yeah.
listen, eddie, i don't think i can go tonight. my father-in-law's in from akron, ohio, and----
yeah, i'll get out of the house for a change.
ah, come on, charlie, you got to bust loose every now and then. we'll have a couple of drinks.
three hundred pounds! isn't she kind of fat? no, man, tall! hey, waiter! waiter!
when do the giants come back from their road trip, does anybody know?
oh, that paris! i was there for two days! clubs! you had to beat the women off with clubs! .
hamburg! clubs! clubs! you had to beat them off with clubs! hey, waiter -- who's our waiter?
okay, walter, okay.
boy, old walter is crocked.
open the presents, arnold.
i think arnold's having a little buck fever. does anyone know what our waiter looks like?
hey, are you our waiter? bring us some ice. i got him -- i got our waiter!
where we going? eddie's place to see movies?
hey, charlie, cut it out, will you?
come on, eddie, let's go up to your place, see these movies.
come on, eddie. let's go see the movies.
anybody want a bottle of beer?
who wants a bottle of beer?
having fun, walter?
arnold, have a bottle of beer. it's not so terrible.
here we go.
"the baseball game." that's a nice title, don't you think?
hey, she's not bad. usually, the girls in these things look like dinosaurs.
who's looking at the guy?
that girl looks like the girl charlie picked up just before.
i think the daily news gave this one four stars.
yeah, they're all alike.
you in the habit of sleeping with your eyes open?
i wonder where they get the girls to make these movies?
yeah.
you can say what you want to about these pictures -- they're really pretty bad -- but they get you.
i don't know. i'm going home. you going home?
it's after ten. it's about ten after ten.
the party's getting a little wild in there anyway. eddie and walter got poor arnold nailed in there, they're trying to talk him into getting a girl. this party's going to wind up in a joint, let me tell you. this is a good time to blow.
no, i didn't know that.
what's the matter?
quit what?
you don't have to quit school because you're having a baby, charlie. there are lots of guys go to night school with two, three kids.
come on, let's go home.
you're in a lousy mood.
charlie, go home. i can see you're going to get fried tonight and wind up picking up a tramp and you're going to wake up in the morning feeling like two-bits.
charlie, about five years ago, i went without a job for seven months. alice was carrying our first baby. we were living on money i borrowed from my brother. i don't know if you remember me in those days, but it was rough. i used to go out every night, put a load on, and make a pass at any girl who looked at me. and i mean any. big, tall, short, fat, anything. well, one night i picked up some tomato somewheres, and we were sitting in a bar or somewheres, and i kept calling her alice all night. so she says to me: "my name ain't alice. who's alice?" so i said: "alice is my wife," and i got up and i went home.
i don't know. i had a point when i started telling that story.
yes, you are, charlie. you may not know it, but you are. so go on home, charlie, before you get any drunker than you are. charlie, you start messing with other women, something goes. it'll kill your marriage. it'll kill your wife. it'll just kill her. what my wife went through -- well, i don't even want to remember it. it's never the same with your wife again, charlie.
i think what i was trying to say was you stick with your night school. some guys have to make peace with themselves that they're never going to amount to too much. a guy like me. once i made that peace with myself, i found out it doesn't really matter what you amount to. i got a nice wife and two children i complain about all the time, but if anything ever happened to either one of them, i think i'd die. but you don't have to make that kind of peace, and you'd be crazy to settle for less than what you want. you want something, charlie. i think that's wonderful. you're a little drunk now, and you're fed up to the teeth. everybody gets fed up, charlie. you stick with it. you're going to be all right.
sure. you're a nice guy too.
come on, charlie, let's go home.
we got to get up tomorrow, go to work, eddie.
well, arnold, since i'm not going to see you again before the wedding, congratulations and best wishes in the coming future to both you and the bride.
 aren't you coming home? .
 well, listen, fellows, i'm cutting out.  good night, walter, eddie. .  you coming, charlie? .
no, you go ahead. i'll see you in the morning, charlie.