he starts his vacation today. he's getting married sunday, you know.
well, the doctor was over last night. brought over the x rays; brought over the allergy tests. brought over a bill for sixty-eight dollars. i said to him: "doctor, you're a young man, professional, highly educated, four years of college, two years of premedical training, several years of interning, of residency. if you're so smart, how can you charge me sixty-eight dollars? one thing they apparently didn't teach you in medical school. you can't get blood from a stone."
what's wrong? i have to go to arizona, that's what's wrong. i have asthma. when i was a kid, they called it hay fever, and you carried a bag around your neck. asafetida. now, they call it asthma, and you have to go to arizona. i said to him: "doctor, you're a professional man, four years of college, premedical school, bellevue, several diplomas. answer me a question. who's going to pay for arizona?" i said to him: "doctor," i said, "perhaps you have the illusion i am the aga khan. i have a bearing about me, perhaps, that misleads you to believe i have blood ties with the whitneys and the rockefellers. this isn't true." arizona. did you ever hear of such nonsense?
serious. nothing serious. i have hay fever, i sneeze a couple of times. the idiot told my wife i have to go to arizona, and she wouldn't leave me alone all night. she's already packing the bags. i said: "for heaven's sakes, you listen to doctors, we'll all be dead." my son, harold, believe me, he's going to be a doctor. that's some racket, boy. sixty-eight dollars.
you better get to work. hey, charlie, that was the bell. i think flaherty is here this morning. we'll all be fired today. i have a feeling.
you fellows going to arnold's party tonight?
no. eddie already hooked me for four bucks for arnold's present. this dinner is going to cost another couple of good dollars.
you ain't going?
eddie's going to be mad.
yeah, you get married you give that kind of thing up.
no kidding.
did you see that blonde who was up here looking for him last week?
i'd like to strangle her with a necktie.
i get real jealous of eddie sometimes. he's as free as a bird. did you see that convertible he's got?
you ought to see the old heap i've got. he walks out of here on payday, he can spend the whole works on having himself a good time. i walk out of here, and i got three kids and a wife, all of them with their palms out. i lost two bucks playing poker at my house last week. it was an economic catastrophe. my wife didn't sleep all night.
he'll be twenty minutes late again. if flaherty walked in now, he'd fire him. if that ever happened to me, i think i'd kill myself. what does eddie care? so he scrambles around for another job. flaherty told me last week i had too many days off. i told him i was sick in bed. what do you want me to do?
hi, eddie, you're early today, only twenty minutes late, what happened?
is that what we bought poor arnold?
what's this, jeanette?
that's right. you only live once.
all right, i'll come.
come on, charlie, it's a short life, believe me.
 so we were stationed right outside paris, about eight miles, a town called chatou .
 so the first night, a whole bunch of us swiped a jeep out of the motor court. we had a feller there who was a tech sergeant in the motor court. oh, what a character he was! he used to get loaded every night on that vanilla extract.
hey, eddie, listen to this story i'm telling charlie. hey, arnold, i'm telling charlie about the time me and that crazy tech sergeant from the motor court got loaded on vanilla extract and went to paris .  hey, kenneth .
hey, kenneth, listen to this story. i was stationed outside of paris, about eight miles .
well, let me tell you what happened .
the best fighting outfit in the whole fighting army was the fighting hundred and fourth infantry division, general terry allen commanding!
these are the gag gifts.
what is it? what is it?
it's a hot-water bottle!
hey, did you see that? hey, he bought him a hot-water bottle for his wedding night. hey, that's funny .
this ought to be good.
hey, these are funny. who bought these? you buy these, eddie? these are funny. you got a good sense of humor.
hey, did you guys see that? hey, did you guys see that?
eddie got a good sense of humor, you know?
look at him blush.
i had my basic training in camp croft, south carolina, near spartanburg.
what tech sergeant?
terre haute! we're from terre haute!
yeah, give me one.
fun. a bunch of grown men sitting around waiting to look at college boy pictures.
hey, eddie, you got it on the window.
what's the matter?
does anybody seriously want to see these movies?
this is for kids.
a bunch of grown men .
that fellow there is not a bad actor.
well, i'll just watch one of them. then, i think i'll just go home.
is that the last one?
ah, you've seen one, you've seen them all.
yeah, i was so bored by the rest of them. i nearly fell asleep during the last one.
ah, you see one, you've seen them all.
so that's the last one you've got to show us, eddie?
might as well go home, i guess.
life is short.
yeah! what do you say? one last drink for arnold!
i almost fell asleep during the last one. well, what do you say, huh? let's go! one last drink!
i'm going to die, do you know that?
i'm going to die, you know what i mean?
excuse me .  excuse me .  so what'll i do? i mean, he says, i'm going to die. i mean, the man's a specialist. he says: "go to arizona, go to colorado," he says. "you got to get out of new york or you're going to die." he tells my wife, the stupid idiot. my wife cried all night. i'm going to die, you know that? you understand that? i'm going to die? you know what an asthma attack is like? your heart starts beating like a drum! i passed out the last time!
i can't quit. don't you understand? you don't understand. i can't quit! i got a fourteen-year-old girl, i don't know what time she comes in at night any more. she's so wild, these kids. i got a nineteen-year-old boy in college; he's going to be a doctor if i have to die. he's not going to quit school. you hear me! i worked hard to put that kid in school! i don't care if i die! i don't care! what am i going to do in arizona? who wants me? who's going to give me a job? what kind of a job am i going to get? i'm forty-eight years old. they don't want no forty-eight-year-old bookkeeper. they got machines from ibm. you ever been up on the ninth floor? you ever see all those ibm machines? what am i going to do out in arizona? you look in the help wanted lately? you see any jobs listed for bookkeeper, male? what are you talking about? do you know what you're talking about?
take your hand off me. you don't know nothing! you're just a kid! you don't know! i've seen death, kid. i've seen it, boy. i know what it looks like. excuse me.  forty-eight years old and so what? what does it mean? what happened? what have i got? what did i make? who needs me? so this is it. a man's life, nothing. worry about being sick, worry about making money, worry about your wife, worry about your kids, and you're on your way to the grave from the day you're born. the days drag on, and the years fly by, and so what? what is it all about? will you tell me?
life is nothing! it's a gag! it's a joke! it's a mortgage! it's a bankrupt! it's a lot of noise over nothing! sound and fury! isn't that what the man said? what do you think, i never read a book? i read a book! don't worry! i was a bright kid! everybody thought i was going to be the first catholic to be president! where did it all go?!
where did it all go?
i'm going home.
i'm going home.