i know, sister, but i have a very good excuse.
you're absolutely right. i should never have stopped to save that drowning infant. i'm just weak, sister; i'm so weak.
sister, do you ever get lonely after vespers? if you do, why don't you give me a call. i'm in the book.
right.  think it over.
if you don't all calm down i'm gonna drive this thing over a cliff.
ah.  youth.
enters and witnesses the photo session. he immediately jumps into the shots.
she probably had sex scheduled for 12:30. o'neill, let's pick up the guys for a drink.  i have major news to announce.
he picks up some photographs of today's work.
pictures a family will cherish forever.
hey, chulo, where are you, man?
we're going for a little liquid refreshment.
i've decided not to run for president.
gary, you're quite an animal.
isn't he incredible, gets along with everybody.
ryko. come on!
all right, gentlemen, i'm not gonna sugar-coat this thing. i've known you guys since grade school, so i'm gonna give it to you straight from the hip.  right from the shoulder.  without beating around the bush.  nothing fancy, just the plain, hard facts.  tell it like it is.
okay.  this is it.  i'm getting married.
yes, gentlemen. saturday after next, i lose my amateur standing and turn pro.
because i love her. what can i tell you?
no more raping and pillaging, either. you'll have to carry on without me.
sounds swell.  i'm really touched. and my getting married's not gonna change a thing between me and my pals. we're still gonna go bowling on tuesdays, play cards on fridays and wear women's clothes on sunday night. i love you guys.  i always will.
but a fabulous cook.
it's either meatloaf, swiss steak or charred flesh. i won't know till it's finished.
don't worry.  it's supposed to do this.
not as much fun as the bachelor party the guys are throwing for me.
of course. i'm a traditional guy.  it's a traditional event. well, what do you think?
yes, but looks are deceiving.  not in this case, however.
no, sweetheart, it's a stag party. does stay home.
oh, those. why do you ask?
deb, you is my woman now. i is yo man. no painted lady ever gonna come between us.
okay, you got it. i got a way we can seal the deal -- what'd you say?
you wouldn't hurt your own brother, would you? i changed my mind. i don't need a blood test. the marriage is off. i --
you always were sneaky, stan, very sneaky.
true, you're a lot handsomer now. don't you have enough blood already?
stan, you're depressing me.  hey, i didn't know you were going to fill 'er up. just take a couple of gallons, okay?
that's an even trade.  a cotton ball for all my blood.
hi, tina.
oops!
can't i just maim it a little?
well, i have to admit my game's a little rusty, but i love polo. it's unrelenting, a constant challenge to the senses. really a beautiful experience.
i'd love that.
mr. thomerson, i.
feel free.
well, sir, that's quite a list. but you're absolutely right. and if i work hard at it, i think i can be a totally changed person by the time we finish lunch.
bond.  james bond.
much the way hitler enjoyed hanging out with mussolini.
he begins to walk toward the priest. suddenly, out of nowhere, cole appears at his side.
cole. don't you know it's bad luck to see the groom before the wedding?
cole.
what's debbie's blue book value right now?
no.
not interested.
i'm marrying debbie.
what is this person's story here?
thanks, dad. cole, go away.
thank you. we'll all keep that in mind. 'bye now.
ladies and gentlemen, cole whittier. let's hear it for him -- a funny, funny guy. we love ya, babe.
you think the gods are telling me something?
huh? wha.
oh.  i got something for that.
what's the matter?
about what?
i think the only think you've left out are our relations with the soviet union. sweetheart, everything's gonna be all right.
c'mere.
good.
now, i want you to lie down and drift off to slumberland.
close your eyes.  that's it.  there's nothing to worry about.  i love you.  i'm a great guy.  in two days you're gonna be mrs. great guy.
at least.
knowing larry, he probably missed the flight.
'ludes.  'ludes.  'ludes.
so how's your wife?
naw, two on a quaalude.  bad luck.
maybe your marriage should lay off grains for a while.
what do you mean, it changes?
come on, get him on the bus.
well.  twenty-four more hours to go and tonight we'll share with our friends and loved ones the joys of those last moments of singleness.
wouldn't think of it. because tomorrow.  we're going to the chapel and we're.
and we're gonna get ma-a-a-ried.
yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.
this is it, lady. last stop.
sorry, we got men's business to do. it's no place for a lady.
did i promise that? i don't remember that.
okay, i promise.  i swear on my mother's grave.
well, if i go back on my word, i'll kill her.
anything you say, ma'am. have a fun shower. use soap.
nothing.  let's get crazy!
be careful with it. it's a rental.
are any of those right?
yes, you. we're looking for our room.  1002.
what do you know, they moved it. catch you later.
i see what you mean.  you're a beautiful guy. and you're doing a damn good job.
olivier's in that, right?
and i thought we wouldn't have any meaningful conversation.
excuse me, but this is as arousing as a stroll through the vatican.
bartender, round of brains for my friend here.
give the guy air. everyone to a neutral corner.
it's true.
guy paints a beautiful picture.
looks like the only one who got screwed here was you.
well, i think you've done a damn fine job.
ah, cole. i don't remember ordering an asshole from room service.
oh, come on, just a little.
ooh, be still, my heart.
very nice.
isn't that a great car, chulo?
the best.
i'm very happy for you two.
the car for debbie?
gee, guys, what should i do? the car or debbie?
what a decision here.
so does debbie.
maybe it had something to do.
hookers beat you up?
i didn't know you were into that.
hey, now, our buddy needs help. come on, dig into those pockets. help this man. help this person help others get laid. give till it hurts. he needs you.
and there's our first pledge coming in --
hello. end horniness telethon. yeah. michael.  how you doing?
really? that's very interesting. i'll tell you what.  stay there and we'll be right down. i want to check this out.
while we're waiting for gar, why don't we all go for a little fresh air.
out.
c'mon, larry. be good for you.
all right. now, there's milk and cookies in the refrigerator. go to bed right after "falcon crest."
so will your friend nick do it?
i love his attitude. they still out there?
so, they want action, eh? are you with me, me hardies?
let's get this thing going. tray, please.
looks good. can i have the bun, michael?
and now, nick.  or is it mr. dick?
nick, if you would be so kind.
nick, the rest is all yours.
(concerned; calling
what are you doing?
larry.  you've got to lighten up. you and the wife can work it out.
lar.  sometimes when people are mad they say things they don't mean.
you okay?
really?
he ain't all right.
gee. i think that's for me.
cole, when was the last time you had a lobotomy?
don't you love it when old friends stop by?
i'm not really hungry.
couple more on rye. lots of fries.  and a burger and diet soda.
he reacts to the zip sound.
what the hell is that?
under the table!
i think we can skip the wine list. oh, gee.
father.  oh, yes.  yes.  yesssss.  oh, yesssssss!
innnnnn-credible!
ooooooooh, jesus, oh god, god, god, god, oh jesus, jeeeesussss.
i was just saying grace.
father, would you like to take our table?
i think you'll enjoy this table.
i don't know. maybe it's because i love debbie or maybe it's hard for me to get off in a place that smells like egg salad. i'm not sure.
where the hell is everybody?
all right!
nah, that's okay. my brother has to look up old people's asses all day long. let's give him a break.
how thoughtful. a drug smorgasbord.
chulo's got such a nice, light touch with women.
nah, not yet. look, you're my older brother. i need some advice here. what's the deal with marriage? what can i expect?
thanks, stan, you've been a lot of help.
what the hell are you doing?
you're trying to kill yourself with an electric razor?
well, this is terrific. now you're gonna have wrists that are smooth and kissable. just go out there. forget about everything and laugh it up.
no, have fun first. then laugh. now, forget about marriage for a while. go party.
gary, how we doing, big stallion?
this is cause for celebration. she'll probably charge half price for sex from now on.
about what?
get a few drinks into me, we'll dance and see what happens.
oooooo.
if i'm not out in a half hour, send for the paramedics.
hellooo!
eat my chair!
i can't do it.
i can't do it. i love debbie.
put it to you this way -- you're gonna have to pry her out of the bed with a spatula, mister.
luckily he starts to dance with a female guest. this takes him out of line of the arrow.
who was that?
what's this?
how 'bout this?
he look familiar?
c'mon. get the hookers in a circle. we better put cochise out of business.
this is it. go get 'im.
t minus.  3.  2.  1. we have ignition.
we're just going to keep you in a safe place until after the party.
now, don't get into any trouble.
don't you wish you were a guy so you could have fun like this?
who's your friend?
great. i was wondering, how do you guys go to the bathroom in that thing?
say no more.
hi, guys. we brought back a friend.
how about this, a trojan donkey.
swell. she's gonna pin her tail on the donkey.
it's really not all your fault. i was talking to mike earlier and he had a lot of problems. personal things, you know. made some bad investments. at least now he's peaceful.
welcome, welcome, one and all.
oh, no!
christ.  it's mr. laughs.
what can i do? i'm dead. debbie's going to go crazy and end the whole thing.
mr. thomerson!
please, no. don't ruin my life. please!
it's not me. i was brought up on the wrong side of the tracks. a victim of my environment.
my poor old mammy had to take in laundry. my pappy had to work 20 hours a day at the pez factory.
the end.
i'm saved. let's party!
who?
my debbie?
i don't know.  go up to her, make like you don't know her and send her into the other bedroom.
i can't see anything.
how wonderful. a seeing eye hooker.
it's a lovely day in the neighborhood. it's a lovely day, it's a beauty, would you be mine, could you be mine. . please won't you be my neighbor. hi.  hi there.  today we're going to learn about anatomy.
debbie.  you're a hooker! i can't believe it!
c'mon, i knew it was you.
debbie, i'm telling you, i didn't do anything, hardly.
i don't want that. i want to be with you.
i am committed. i love you.
you don't believe me? okay, fine.
people! can i have your attention.  people!
i want to ask you all a question. have i had sex with anybody in this room tonight?
are you sure?
thank you.
see? and these are not just ordinary party-goers -- there are professionals in this crowd -- i didn't want any of them. you.  you're what i want. understand?
great. now, what do you want to do about it?
you're on.
of course, sir. that explains it. leather is a very good source of vitamin e.
your attention, please. may i be the first to say, it's a raid!
i'm glad no one is panicking.
cole, what the hell are you doing?
he's kidnapped her! everyone into the bus!
fan out and look for them.
are you okay?
this has been quite a night. here's a thought. why don't we go home and give our private parts a workout?
he turns to debbie. he waits a beat and begins.
cheese. i love you more than cheese. and i love cheese a lot.
in fact, more than dairy products in general. i love dairy. my love is cream. pour me on the cereal of your life.
i think this song pretty much sums up the way i feel at this moment.