monsieur delacroix, this very important meeting commenced.
exactly thirty-two minutes ago.
i'm sorry i'm late.
do you know how much information can be dispensed in one minute alone?
so are you telling me everyone knew about this get-together except you?
people, you can attempt to pull a rodman like our friend delacroix, but i guarantee you'll be sent packing just like him.
these are the standings. read 'em and weep. as you can plainly see the continental network system is languishing.
look at 'em people. we are booty, ca ca. we are doo-doo. doo-doo on a stick, if you will.
i do not like to be the laughing stock of the broadcast industry. i have pride and people, you better start getting some too. these numbers have to go up.
question?
what i want everyone to do is write some material that is funny. the junk you've been writing is about as funny as a dead baby. it's not funny, it's not new. it's not sexy. it, it, it.
sucks. thank you, fish. this meeting is over but i want everyone to seriously think about what i said and how you can deliver.
monsieur delacroix, in my office now.
do you know what c.p. time is?
let's sit down over there.
i'm sorry about my blowup but i have to have a whipping boy every meeting.
forget it. i believe you're my most creative person i've got on staff. you're hip. you know what's happening. i got some corny white boys and girls writing for me.
i understand black culture. i grew up around black people all my life. if the truth be told i probably know "niggers" better than you, monsieur delacroix. please don't get offended by my use of the quote-unquote n word. i got a black wife and three bi-racial children, so i feel i have a right to use that word. i don't give a damn what spike says, tarantino is right. nigger is just a word. if dirty ole bastard can use it every other word so can i.
the material you've been creating is too white bread. white people with black faces. the huxtable's, cosby, revolutionary. but that's dead. we can't go down that road again.
i'm telling you it's not.
the middle class black family moves into a white suburban enclave. the middle class black family moves into a small southern town that is run by the kkk. the middle class single black father raises his teenage daughter. the middle class single black father raises his teenage daughter. the middle class single black mother raises her teenage son. and so on and so forth. it's too clean, too antiseptic.
delacroix, wake up, brother man. the reason why they didn't get picked up was because nobody - and i mean nobody - niggers and crackers alike wants to see that junk.
you got your head stuck up your ass with your harvard education and your pretentious ways. brother man, i'm blacker than you. i'm keepin' it real and you're frontin', trying to be white.
that's exactly what i think. i want you to create something that people want to see. let's be honest, the majority of the people in the country are deaf, dumb and blind and i'm including 35 million african-americans. you know and i know "niggers" set the trend, set the styles. this is a golden opportunity now. these idiots have to be led to the water.
you will or you'll be back at bet so quick you'll never know what hit you. i need a mid-season replacement and pronto. it will be on the fast track.
yes! yes! yes! i want a show that will make headlines, that will have millions and millions of households tuned in, glued to their televisions every week. i want advertisers dying to buy on this show. i'm gonna squeeze this show out of you if it kills you.
delacroix, i'm glad you got your mind right.
good. i like the names. very theatrical.
i'm wid it.
go on. good so far.
word!!!
the name of the show?
i'm lovin' it. you know how i know? because i'm getting a boner, my johnson is hard, no disrespect my sister.
i'm feelin' dis'!
don't worry about that, that's my department. now who do we cast? we need a star. can whoopi sing or dance?
are these our two stars, sitting here in front of my nose? which one is mantan again?
that's a great handle.
i want you take it there. all the way to the edge and back.
what are there character traits?
exactly!
and sleep 'n eat is his comical sidekick?
this could be bigger than "amos and andy."
let'em try. i will kill to make this happen.
so what. we would just give the naacp a donation that would be the end of that. no such thing as bad publicity. so what. earlier you said singing and dancing.
who are the other characters?
we gonna hit 'em wid da bomb dickey on dis' one. what's the setting?
ya first bad move. projects been done. that's one of the problems now, everything, movies, tv, are set in the urban jungle, da hood. that's so tired. mantan's millennium minstrel show should be set on a plantation. in alabama.
and every week these alabama porch monkeys will make us cry, make us laugh, make us look at our own humanity. make us feel good to be alive.
what are you talkin' 'bout? it's the move. stay wid me now. we're movin' fast. what does everybody else think about this?
i like you. sleep 'n eat. that's funny. mantan, how do you feel about performing in black face?
show me a little somethin' somethin'.
delacroix, you dug deep, deeper than deep.
that'swhati'mtalkin''bout. that'swhati'mtalkin''bout! he's off the hiz-hook!
sleep 'n eat, what do you do?
oh you do so?
you da man.
i'm gonna run upstairs with this. if cns doesn't want to do this, somebody else will have da balls to pull the trigger. i want to thank each and every one of you. this is great, delacroix. i'll get back to you later today.
to hire someone solely on their ethnicity, gender or religion is not right. it's un-american. i will hire someone who is most qualified for this particular job.
i want a hot, young white director. maybe the kid, that pheenom who just did that hot new sexy madonna video.
i just want you to meet him. keep an open mind.
probably nuthin', but that's why it's such a sexy way to go. sometimes an outsider has a fresh new outlook, a different unique perspective. a black director, y'know what he's gonna do given the subject matter? with this kid, the possibilities are endless.
if spielburg can direct "the color purple" and "amistad", our whiz kid can direct the mantan pilot.
no!!! just meet the guy. that's all i'm asking. look, i'll even let you choose your own musical director. you can have that.
derrick coleman, he possessed all the talent in the world, coulda, shoulda, been a great ballplayer but alas d.c. didn't want it bad enough. delacroix, do you want it? bad enough to kill for it? do you want it that much.
delacroix. this is the director i was telling you about. jukka laks.
i'm gonna leave you two creative geniuses alone.
calm down, please.
we just punched it up a bit. made it funnier.
i seriously doubt that will ever happen. didn't i tell you i know your people better than you do. but if by some miracle you're correct, i'm gonna invite them inside my house and we'll have a sit down, discuss it like civil human beings.
i want you to meet my lovely wife verna. honey, this is pierre delacroix and sloan hopkins.
yo, dela, i just got the news from the cns brass. they saw some clips from the pilot and they're rushing it onto the air. yo, we're a midseason replacement, ordered 12 shows. we're on in 3 weeks. didya hear what i just said, yo?
they didn't even view a rough cut, just some scenes we quickly cut together.
the big mistake was my not believing in your genius earlier. from the gitgo, from jump street.
i want to meet her one day, please tell her the great news. i'm out like vanilla ice.
i know all of you have seen the overnight ratings. through the roof. but in this game you gotta be one, two, three steps ahead. i introduce you to myrna goldfarb. she's the best media consultant in the biz.
myrna is here to help us plan our strategy.
goldfarb, run it down for them.
we all stick to this, it's smooth sailing.
let myrna finish.
yes you!
you couldn't hold out any longer, huh?
stop the tape. stop the tape. delacroix. get me delacroix.
drop the curtain. drop the curtain.
escort him out the building now!
but you are finished. done. nigga's like you are a dime a dozen. i'm gonna slide honeycutt right into ya spot. we won't miss a step. get him outta here.
dela, i'll deal with you next.
hello, my name is thomas dunwitty. i'm the senior v.p. of the entertainment division here at cns. i come to you with a heavy heart.
this abduction is a cowardly, vile, sinful and dastardly act and i promise these creeps will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. this is an attack on your american way of life.
we here at cns are offering a $100,000 cash award to any information that leads to the safe return home of our dear friend, mantan.
help us and in addition you will get a guest-starring speaking role on the next mantan - the new millennium minstrel show, plus an added bonus: a lifetime of da bomb 125% malt liquor. let's you get ya "freak on", as well as a full wardrobe of timmi hillnigger active git toe wear. mantan, may god bless you.