hang it, mr. roderick james, you have no more manners than a barber, and i think my black footman has been better educated than you; but you are a young fellow of originality and pluck, and i like you, sir. because you seem determined to go to the devil by a way of your own.
indeed, you are right, sir. look at me. marriage has added forty years to my life. i am dying, a worn-out cripple, at the age of fifty. when i took off lady cosgrove, there was no man of my years who looked so young as myself. fool that i was! i had enough with my pensions, perfect freedom, the best society in europe -- and i gave up all these, and married and was miserable. take a warning from me, mr. roderick, and stick to the trumps. do anything, but marry.
in truth, sir, yes, but, if you must marry, then marry a virtuous drudge.
well, why not a milkmaid's daughter? no man of sense need restrict himself or deny himself a single amusement for his wife's sake; on the contrary, if he selects the animal properly, he will choose such a one as shall be no bar to his pleasure, but a comfort in his hours of annoyance. for instance, i have got the gout; who tends me? a hired valet who robs me whenever he has the power. my wife never comes near me. what friend have i? none in the wide world. men of the world, as you and i are, don't make friends, and we are fools for our pains.
my lady is a weak woman, but she is my mistress. she is a fool, but she has got the better of one of the best heads in christendom. she is enormously rich, but somehow i have never been so poor, as since i married her. i thought to better myself, and she has made me miserable and killed me, and she will do as much for my successor when i'm gone.
good evening, mr. james, have you done with my lady?
come, come, sir. i am a man who would rather be known as a cuckold than a fool.
gentlemen, see this amiable youth! he has been troubled by religious scruples, and has flown for refuge to my chaplin, mr. hunt, who has asked for advise from my wife, lady cosgrove, and between them both, they are confirming my ingenious young friend in his faith. did you ever hear of such doctors and such a disciple?
he wants to step into my shoes! he wants to step into my shoes!
is it not a pleasure, gentlemen, for me, as i am drawing near the goal, to find my home such a happy one; my wife so fond of me, that she is even now thinking of appointing a successor? isn't it a comfort to see her; like a prudent housewife, getting everything ready for her husband's departure?
not so soon, my dear, as you may fancy perhaps. why, man, i have been given over many times these four years, and there was always a candidate or two waiting to apply for the situation. who knows how long i may keep you waiting.
i am sorry for you mr. james. i'm grieved to keep you or any gentleman waiting. had you not better to arrange with my doctor or get the cook to flavor my omelette with arsenic? what are the odds, gentlemen, that i don't live to see mr. james hang yet?