sounds like a real coup, sir.  getting this doctor of .
oh, look, i mean, it's kind of the last thing.  i mean, i'd really like to, but.  things at home are kind of sensitive, so i couldn't really er .
on the other hand .  maybe a breath of fresh air is just what my family needs .  yes. great news. fabulous. triumphant. course it might need a little smoothing over. when's he due?
no. perfect. looking forward to it. cut to:
hi, jennifer. how was school? oh really? that's good, great. fantastic. we'll talk some more.
hi, charles. wow - late!
ahm, well, you know ~ that's a tough question - on one' level i think it .
you think so? well i 'spose they're pretty, you know.  okay, looks-wise.
ah .  absolutely.
sounds great. excellent. though-, ahm.  there's this guy who's coming to work at the gallery, from england.
and they asked me if we'd like to .  you know.  put him up for a while.
yes, there are hotels. they just thought maybe it'd be nice for him to stay with a real american family. popcorn, waffles, all that stuff.
i said i'd check with you.
then i said 'yes'.
ahm - he's male. he's english. he's a doctor of er .  at least 2 things. i think they would have mentioned if he was a blind dwarf. or one of those guys who kills lots of people all the time. i think we're looking at someone moderately normal here.
yes. yes. sometime.
that's exactly what i said .  before i said - great, it's a sensational idea."
great, good.
didn't kids do their own homework, like way back? years ago? no. course not. just imagining it.
for all you know, he may be a very attractive young man.
what makes you say that?
richard burton was very good-looking.
sean connery.
tom jones?
okay, so the guy's gonna look like meatloaf's backside. no-one's asking you to go to bed with him.
well, michael bolton's pretty grisly.
well, they're kind of busy but it doesn't look like .
i'm not sure i got the right person but they were a bit busy .
no, no. i'11 try again .
i know - i'11 take it in to george tomorrow'- he'll fix it. stupid thing.
jesus.
but in general .  it's .  mostly me, right?
the lights blown in the kitchen. i'll fix it tomorrow.
that poor guy, bean .  he's probably still sitting at london airport!
alison, please.
i need to make a confession. i know you're awake. please, it's important.
i had the last strawberry in the refrigerator.
one.
0h ali we can work this thing out, you know.
ali? what's wrong?
honey, calm down now.  it's okay.
it's okay. there's no one out here. just open the door. trust me.
okay. it's not a problem.  let's just sit .  i'11 talk to the gallery .
i know you are. very serious .  most of the time these days.
ah, mr bean .
annie, it's me.
no, annie, no. this is doctor bean. he's going to be working with us.
right first time.
you'll notice, our clientele is not totally young. i sometimes worry they're not really getting to grips with the art on a deep aesthetic level.
beautiful. 'his mistress' by john everett millais, 1829 to 96. know it?
thanks, annie.
better go. grierson hates people being late.
why me?
come on! let's go!
yes, this is doctor bean.
it's very good bernie.
ah.  he certainly has something, sir.
yes, although, i really.  thank you. yes, it's great to have him with us. the whole family's very excited.
you're not going to .
you've tinted your hair? it takes years off you, sir.
goodnight annie.
okay. i'll get some steaks. alison loves steak .  wine - good. candy? no candy. alison hates candy. we gotta do this right, bean, or .  just stay out of trouble, okay?
he was incredible. this guy is fearless. he has no fear.
well, there is that .
hi,
yes. and i have a wine for dinner that will kill you.
sort of half.
i was sort of half way through the sentence in which i would have asked him when it suddenly seemed like a mistake.
roses. wine.
look, bean's history. i swear to you, he's packing as we speak. and you can't leave. i've got bambi. you never go anywhere without him. please let's just talk.
look, you guys, could you just give us a moment to .  jennifer - could you turn that damn thing down.
jen - you don't wanna talk about it?
sure. you're right.
yes, i am. i must.
hi, am i disturbing you?
may i?
none of your folks here - family?
look.  the reason i came in here was to .  well.  since you've been here twelve all.
well, that's er. great. look, i just came in .  .  to say good night. okay?
spineless. cut to:
bean can i ask you something?
do you think you can ever really know someone? even if you've known them, well, almost all your life? what do you think?
well, they say there's only one way to get over this sort of thing. take it day by day. keep working. keep to your normal patterns. that's the only hope. so let's just .  take today shall we?
i think the time has come from you to meet the grand madame. she's all around you .  how do you fancy meeting her in the flesh?
i usually only let her out for the big summer exhibition - but' let's see whether what they say about the healing power of great works of art is true, huh?
as you can see, security's pretty tight in this section. nobody gets past elmer here. isn't that right?
you've known me five years elmer. when do you get to calling me david?
you think he's tough you should see the size of the hunk that works the night shift.
stay there. keep your eyes closed. one final lock, one final key.
right. open now.
i'11 leave you with her for a few minutes. i'm sure you'll want to give her a proper inspection. but whatever you do, don't leave the room. megasecurity, okay? catch you.
yes. i'11 mention it to him. but .  he's kind of his own guy, you know?
ah. fine. it's good. it's great.
she's .  well, she's good.
yes, isn't he.
isn't it?
look, i've left bean on his own. nice to chat though bernie - always a subtle joy.
'emergency measures, in your book means sack people right?
seems to be a problem with the door. where's the picture gone?
what? what?
oh jesus. oh god. oh jesus god. oh mary mother of jesus. oh jesus of nazareth.
what happened?!!!
don't bother oh my god.
brilliant. brilliant. problem solved!
that's right - whistler's mother. looking at his mother - not his father - not interested in his father, couldn't give a flying doughnut for his sisters or brothers - just his mother. yes.
no!
the thing is, sir, i've just been giving the painting a very thorough inspection, with the help of dr bean here - and we feel the time's come for whistler's mum to have her first face-lift.
exactly. she's in a surprisingly terrible state. isn't she, bean?
whistler was a great painter, but he wasn't a great chooser of paints .
 you have to sack me. i understand, sir. i'll go quietly. in fact i'll go right now.
yes, sir. yes, sir. congratulations. marvellous thing. bravo.
bean. do you drink?
neither do i.
it's just a matter of acceptance, isn't it .  lose your job - lose you wife .  c'est la vie. you ever been married, bean?
i guess not.
he's english, okay? you wanna make something of it?
 to hell with the figures. i'm not a damn accountant. i'm an artist. you know, me and ali met in art school? i cut quite a figure then. far cry from the man you see before you now. then, i smoked gitanes before i went to bed, to help me sort out the problems of the world. now, i take a spoonful of laxative before i go to bed to help me sort out the problem with my bowels.
truth is, i disappointed her. i turned out to have no spine. spineless. a kind of medical miracle. mr flippy-floppy. i just don't seem to be able to fight - cant stick up for myself. too nice. i mean, i should never have let you come stay and i should be handing you over to the police right now. shall i tell you something, beanie .
do you want to know what the reality of the situation is?
so, you've totally and utterly destroyed my life. do you understand? you've put me in a position where it would have been better if i'd never been born.
0 my god. tell it vas a dream.
it wasn't a dream, was it. i have to go in to work and tell them whistler's mother now looks like danny de vito.
what?
ahm.
quite right, sir.
wait a minute.
ah .  jennifer, i need you to watch kevin. jen?
jen, you have to help me here! i've got to go in to work, and with your mom away .  i really need you.
jennifer! this is not - repeat, not! how we do things in this family. i've told you never to get on one of those death traps! please - talk to me. i promise to be reasonable.
don't just stand there, bean - do something.
to bean ) right! right! you get inside and look after kevin! uh --- right! kevin. you get inside and look after .  uh.  right! get in the car! both of you. jesus!
uh .  yes .
yes, look, i wanted to talk to you about this. i'm sure we haven't been doing as badly as all that.
annie .  would you look after kevin? and kevin - you look after bean.
certainly is.
you arrange those flowers yourself?
they're pretty. learn it in the army?
david leary. i'd like to echo my colleagues welcome to you and thank you for your patronage .
yes. ahm. i was just wondering where my english house guest had got to.
great - keep him out of trouble.
sure, governor. please. this way.
ladies and gentlemen - most of you have seen whistler's mother before, can i ask you just to step back. thank you.
i'd like the governor to have, as it were, a private audience with his new friend.
governor, i don't believe you've met dr bean, our expert from england.
nice try, kiddo.
great. classic timing. why don't you ask her just to leave a date for the divorce? i'll check my diary later.
she was wearing a helmet. it could have been worse.
damn! she's a good kid. sometimes good people get a break once in a while.
just stay away from me! d'you hear?
excuse me.
okay, great.
ah, well .  cut to:
good thinking. you still call it 'home'.
sorry, honey - he just happened to tag along.
excuse me.
say that again, son.
i said say that again, son - because the next time you do, i'll make sure you're in there with my daughter, but in a slightly less healthy state and she's in a coma with a broken arm right now.
we have. in fact, we've been sitting here since the start of the millennium and i'd really like some action from you before the end of the world.
so, why not haul your .  nice little ass into this room and explain to me and my wife why our precious daughter is going to be absolutely fine because of all the fantastic intelligence and attention you are going to give her case.
yes, and bean, for god's sake, keep out of the goddamn way, will you?
yes. great. kevin, i'11 send bean in to keep you company.
everything's gonna be fine.
shhh.
i know.  i know. i've been an arsehole of spectacular proportions. olympic standard.
wait a minute .
good idea - with a boss who's a really ugly son-of-a-bitch.
i thought you said.  cut to:
now, bean .  just put down that thing .  nice and slow .  you hear me? come on now.
here, let me do that.
i'm afraid you don't know the half of it. sit down. i have a tale to tell. and not a happy one.
i'm fired? because i let a.  copy of a painting the get stolen?
look at all this - publicity expenditure .  catering .  all completely fictional .  back as far as june 93 .
very accommodating well, no, sir, i'm sure .
and a car.
maybe two cars.
and i need fridays off, to spend more time with my family. speaking of which - if you'll excuse me .  i've got a lot of time to make up.
come on hurry or we'll be late.
 oh, and grierson phoned lord walton at the national. said good things about you. so expect a great reception back home, huh?
bye, bean. thanks for everything. and take care, huh? i know it's insane, but i'm going to miss you.