morning.
enjoy.
we've been over this. nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.
the great mantini doesn't need a day job.
what?
which one is elijah again?
yeah. okay.
gimmicky bastard.
may 11th.
i'm a puppeteer.
i.  puppeteer.
uh. yeah.
thank you.
no, uh, my name is craig schwartz. i have an interview with mr. lester.
schwartz.
schwartz.
my name is schwartz.
forget it.
yes?
i said "yes."
actually, my name is craig schwartz, dr. lester.
no, it's okay, sir. just a mixup with your secretary.
not at all, dr. lester. i simply misspoke.
well, sir, i'm an excellent filer.
glooph is not a letter, sir.
you don't have a speech impediment, dr. lester.
no.
no. i understand perfectly.
just one. why is this floor so short?
moving story.
is that true?
listen. i'm craig schwartz, just starting out at lestercorp.
emily dickinson.
shut up!
adorable. what time are they supposed to be here?
we have to make it an early night.
hmmm.
hmmm.
no kidding, peter.
thank you, floris.
i am a trained performer.
hello again.
you know, i've been thinking about what you said yesterday, about the orientation film being a cover-up. i think you're on to something.
no, really.
yeah, just an idea i had.
just an idea i had.
c'mon, let's go to bed.
i would too know what to do with you.
floris, you're very nice, but i'm afraid im in love with somebody else.
i wasn't toying with her, sir. i was just.  how old are you?
i'll keep that in mind, sir.
the elderly have so much to offer, sir. they are our link with history.
dr. lester, while i am flattered that you share your feelings with me, i believe perhaps the workplace is not the most suitable environment for this type of discussion.
shit.
i won't be late. i just have to listen to lester's sexual fantasies and drink carrot juice for a little while. it's a job thing.
i gotta go back to work. yeah, okay. you too. okay. bye.
i just wanted to say hi. did you know i still don't know your name or where you work?
how about this, if i can guess your first name within three tries, you have to come out for a drink with me tonight.
great. buuuhhppaahhhhnnn. . . . . muhhhahhhhh. . . . . ahhhnnnaaa. . nollltuuukkkaaaaralllll. . . tashabararassssssuuuuusaaaaaaa. . . nnnnnnnaaaaaannnnnnnnncccccceeeeeee mwaaaaaa. . . . .mahhhhhkkkkk. . . sssseeeeeen. maxine?
i'm right?
that's incredible! nobody told me! i swear! it's kismet. maxine! it's a beautiful name. there's a psychic connection. don't you see? it was meant to be! maxine! maxine! maxine! i will shout it from the rooftops!
oh, maxine, nobody told me. maxine, maxine. it just came out of me like a song, maxine. a beautiful crazy, song, maxine. maxine. maxine!
maxine.
dr. lester, it's been really fascinating, but i'm afraid i have to get home to my wife now.
yessir.
that's sounds fine, sir. gotta run.
made it. maxine. maxine, maxine, maxine.
buy you a drink, maxine?
yeah. but enough about me.
what'll you have?
i'll have, like, a beer. like a budweiser, or something.
i like you. i don't know what it is exactly.
no, no, it's your energy or your attitude or the way you carry yourself or.
that's the usual?
im not a homosexual. i just like women for more than their bodies. i guess you could say i'm the new american male.
i mean, i am really attracted to you.
no, wait! i like your tits. i love your tits. i want to fuck you.
well, i'm a puppeteer.
hi.
sorry, i'm so late. lester just wouldn't let me go. were supposed to have dinner with him on friday. i can get us out of it if you want. he's really amazing, this insane old lech. it's actually sort of amusing when you get past just how disgusting it is.
nah. i'm not hungry. i'm sorry i didn't call. it was just, you know, hard to get away.
i'm sorry. how was your evening?
the ferret?
right.
yeah. you want a beer?
all right. i'll be in my workshop for a little while. i'll be in in a little while. i need to unwind a little. i'll be in soon. a little while.
tell me, craig, why do you love puppeteering? well, maxine, i'm not sure exactly. perhaps it's the idea of becoming someone else for a little while. being inside another skin. moving differently, thinking differently, feeling differently. interesting. would you like to be inside my skin, craig? think what i think? feel what i feel? more than anything. maxine. it's good in here, craig. better than your wildest dreams.
hi.
puppets. maxine. it's the idea of being inside someone else, feeling what they feel, seeing what they see.
please, let me explain.
it's just, and i've never done this before, maxine, but it's just that i feel something for you. i've never felt this before for anyone, not even my wife. my future is with you, maxine.
another evil secret of the 7 1. 2 floor.
holy shit. maxine is gonna love this.
dr. lester. . .
dr. lester, i have a question. i was in that vacant office down the hall and i stumbled upon a little door and.
thank you, sir.
bullshit.
don't you want to know what happened to me?
this is important!
there's a tiny door in that empty office. it's a portal, maxine. it takes you inside john malkovich. you see the world through john malkovich's eyes, then, after about fifteen minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of the new jersey turnpike.
he's an actor. one of the great american actors of the 20th century.
lots of things. he's very well respected. that jewel thief movie, for example. the point is that this is a very odd thing, supernatural, for lack of a better word. it raises all sorts of philosophical questions about the nature of self, about the existence of the soul. am i me? is malkovich malkovich? was the buddha right, is duality an illusion? do you see what a can of worms this portal is? i don't think i can go on living my life as i have lived it. there's only one thing to do. let's get married right away.
yes, of course. he's a celebrity.
tickets to malkovich?
but there's something profound here, maxine, we can't exploit it.
you wanted to be partners with me?
really? but, maxine, can of worms! end of the world! illusory nature of existence!
oh. maxine.
brain. soul, i'm telling you, lotte. i was right inside him looking out. we're going to be rich.
what?
well, you know we're going to be very busy tomorrow. i'll tell you what. let's do it tonight. right now.
yeah. we'll do it right now. on the way to lester's house.
i'll meet you on the turnpike.
me too, babe.
okay. maybe tomorrow.
we'll talk about it in the car.
you weren't you. you were john malkovich.
tomorrow. we're late for lester.
dr. lester.
no thank you sir. it's delicious, though. i just wanted to thank you for the opportunity to work at lestercorp, but i'm afraid i'm going to have to tender my resignation effectively immediately.
no sir, not at all. it's just that i'm going to open my own business and.
uh, import-export. olive oil. right on 7 1. 2 actually. in the vacant office. so we'll still be seeing each other.
my kingdom for your portal, maxine.
sounds good. oblique but intriguing. phone it in.
lotte! why aren't you at the pet shop?
lotte, maxine. maxine, lotte.
why aren't you at work?
what, are you nuts? that's oprah talking.
this is absurd. besides feldman's an allergist. if you're going to do something, do it right.
yeah, okay. i'll pick you up.
how was it?
why?
so how was it? what was he doing?
you see, men can feel unfulfilled, too. i'm glad you're realizing that. you shouldn't be so quick to assume that switching bodies would be the answer to all your problems.
i don't know. there's some tension between us. i'd hate to expose you to that.
after dinner i'll show you my puppets.
you?
my god.
come in!
please, have a seat.
exactly that. we can put you inside someone else's body for fifteen minutes.
tell your friends.
this is amazing! we're gonna be rich!
dr. lester, i don't know what you're talking about.
you're insane.
i'm moving. remember? what's with the hooded cloak?
you should feed your animals. they're looking peaked.
what?
no they're not.
you've always loved the animals.
what's that?
oh, lot.
what about maxine?
we wish.
you were him last night, weren't you?
and he was with her.
we?
don't forget me.
life is confusing, isn't it?
i feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. not that i blame them. how could they know? today's world is so complicated. no. i have to go away now. i'm sorry, lotte. i'm so sorry.
are you torturing me on purpose?
i don't think so. i've fallen in love. this is what people who've fallen in love look like.
you're evil, maxine.
yeah, well welcome to the nineties.
shut up!
tell her you need to see her.
tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously.
lesson number one: be careful what you teach your parrot.
i can't believe it. this is too good to be true.
you're glowing again.
it was lovely being you being malkovich, my dear. i'd never seen the passionate side of sweet maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. if only, i've been thinking to myself, if only i could actually feel what malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees.  and then, dare i say it, if only i could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding.
ah, but you're forgetting one thing, lambchop.
i'm a puppeteer.
move right hand across her left breast now. move right hand across her left breast now. move right hand across her left breast now.
holy shit, yes!
holy shit! he said what i said!
yes, yes, sweetheart, yes!
i did it, sweetie. i moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. i made him talk. and, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. ummmm-mmmm! it's just a matter of practice before malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. coffee?
hey! break it up! break it up! everybody gets a chance to be.
mr. malkovich, my name is craig schwartz. i can explain. we operate a little business her that.  simulates, for our clientele, the experience of.  being you, actually.
sure, after a fashion.
you? why i'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience.
of course, right this way, mr. malkovich. compliments of the house.
what happens when a man climbs through his own portal?
so how was it?
i know. i'm sorry.
really? for most people it's a rather pleasant experience. what exactly did you.
with all respect, sir, i discovered that portal. its my livelihood.
and who's to say i won't be seeing what you're seeing.  in court?
things change. anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in maxine.
yeah but i didn't do anything about it. out of respect for our marriage.
that's true. oh, god, lotte, what have i become? my wife in a cage with a monkey. a gun in my hand. betrayal in my heart.
perhaps you're right. i can't let you go though. too much has happened. you're my ace in the hole.
i'm sorry. oh god, i'm sorry. i'm some kind of monster. i'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster."
i love you so much.
but i gotta go now. i've got to go be johnny.
i'll tell you all about it when i get home.
squatter's rights, lester.
who are you?
oh.
okay. sorry. i didn't know.
i'm so glad you're safe. you look really wonderful.
he's a lucky man. do i know him?
the iguana?
oh, right. as long as you're happy. i'm sure he's a better lover than i ever was.
i'm sorry for everything.
you came up here looking for the portal?
and yourself too in the process. god, you're so beautiful. why couldn't i see that before?
i suppose. but they got here first, the lousy bastards. so now it's all over, i guess.
you'll have me, after all i've done to you?
i'm through with puppets, lotte. i just want you to know that.
i'd like to be a farmer. i want to help things grow, to encourage life. do you and your friends need a farmer?
i love you, lotte.