come in, mr. juarez. i'd stand, but, well, you know.
security.
she's not my secretary. she's what they call an executive liaison, and i'm not banging her, if that's what youre implying.
tell me, dr. schwartz, what do you feel you can bring to lestercorp?
you think so, eh? which comes first, l or.  glooph?
damn, you are good. i tried to trick you. okay, put these in order.
floris, get guinness on the phone.
forget it.
fine woman, floris. i don't know how she puts up with this damn speech impediment of mine.
flattery will get you everywhere, my boy. but i'm afraid i have to trust floris on this one. you see, she has her doctorate in speech impedimentology from case western. perhaps you've read her memoirs, "i can't understand a word any of you are saying."
pity, it tells it like it is. that's why the eastern, read jewish, publishing establishment won't touch it. that's a quote from the book jacket. george will, i think. i apologize if you can't understan a word i'm saying, dr. schwartz.
thank you for being kind enough to lie. you see, i've been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech. you're hired. any questions?
low overhead, m'boy. we pass the savings on to you. but seriously, that's all covered in orientation.
don't toy with floris, schwartz. why, if i were eighty years younger, i'd box your ears.
one hundred and five. carrot juice. lot's of it. i swear, it's almost not worth it. i piss orange. oh, and i, have to piss sitting down.  like a godamn girly.  every fifteen minutes. but nobody wants to die, schwartz.
no sir-e-bob, i don't die. but what i do is get older, wrinkled like a former plum that's become the wrinkled prune you see before you. oh, to be a young man again, maybe then floris would care for me.
i don't want to be your godamn link, damn you. i want to feel floris' naked thighs against my own. i want to know passion. i want my body to inspire lust in that beautiful, complex woman. i want her to shiver in a spasm of ecstasy when i penetrate her. oh, god, the agony of the flesh, schwartz.
all right. meet me at the juicy-juice juice bar after work today and i'll spill my goddamn guts for you.
imagine a room full of women. nubile, blonde, wet with desire, schwartz. a harem, if you will. me in leather. a harness, if you like. i am the object of this desire, and all eyes are on me as i speak. ladies, i begin. i am the love god, eros. i intoxicate you. my spunk is to you manna from heaven.
wife, huh? i'd love to meet her, craig.
shall we say dinner on friday. just the two of us? you can come too if you like, schwartz.
yes?
ah, craig. just the fellow i wanted to see. juicer! easy as pie. just keep your fingers clear of the blade, and never, never use it while bathing in a tub full of water.
ah. yes, the little door. there is a short film on the little door in the orientation room in exactly two minutes. if you hurry, you'll just make it.
put up reel 752.
tell me, lotte, can you understand a word i'm saying?
oh, be still my heart.
with immense pleasure, my dear. down that hall, ninth door on the left. watch the step down. it's sunken, you know.
more beet-spinach juice, my friend?
i see. are you unhappy at our little company?
and what sort of business will this be? if you don't mind my asking.
the vacant office. i see. olive oil. interesting. be warned, schwartz, there are certain doors which should never be opened.
you're making a big mistake, schwartz. ma'am
there are rules, boy, procedures, etiquette. this is not a toy. i've been waiting seventy years to utilize this room, grooming myself, quietly setting the stage, performing ablutions, paying tribute, seeing all his motion pictures again and again. worshipping, schwartz, worshipping properly.
i am not alone. there are others. we are legion. you will pay for this blasphemy. you will pay dearly.
may i have your attention, please. we have a new disciple among us tonight.
she is the wife of schwartz.
no you mustn't, my child.
we need you on the inside, my child. to report on his comings and goings, and if need be, to.  destroy him.  . for lack of a better word.
yes, my dear?
thank you, floris.
good morning, lotte!
you followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing.
my child, i don't think its a great mystery what craig's up to.
you know i think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. you look terrible, my dear.
hmmm, a lesbian, are you? i must inform you that i find that highly arousing.
what?! that is not allowed. my god, you are supposed to be one of us. you know you must never partake of malkovich by yourself!
oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video?
oh, sorry. right this way.
well, i tried to explain it to her, but.
perhaps you're right, terry. we're all prepared, and perhaps this schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. we will enter the portal tonight!
aaaahhhh, the portal!
no! don't harm the vessel!
i understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. please, craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours.
clear the way for them, my friends. they will be dealt with in due time.
now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal.  for the sake of all that is good.
well, let's see what we've got here.
my god, where am i? this seems so familiar.
my god, i'm hitler in the bunker! aaaahhhh! aaaah!
oh, i'm just the actor in that twilight zone episode.
thank you all for your efforts, but i'm afraid we can no longer get into malkovich through the portal.
i'm not certain, my dear, but i believe your husband has somehow psychically diverted the route.
i'm afraid that no physical harm must come to him as long as he inhabits the vessel.
actually, my friends, i suppose its time i told you, i'm captain james mertin.
you see, lester is an anagram for mertin.
it used to work, i'm sure of it.
oh, damn it to hell. anyway, i am.
i'm two hundred and five, truth be told.
lots of carrot juice, little lady. that, and a deal with the devil.
surprise.
wait! it's not that bad! when we get into malkovich, we still get to rule the world, just like i told you. the only difference is that we rule in the name of evil, instead of good.
absolutely.
so anyway.
my dear, let me assure you that when we attain power, it will be much more pleasant for those inside malkovich, than for those outside.
anybody else?
but of course.
good. i think its time to beckon mr. flemmer. perhaps he can help us out of this pickle.
and as i said, sir, we can't very well exert physical persuasion upon the sacred vessel malkovich.
didn't mean to imply that you were, sir.
blasphemous bastard.
pretty good though.
not too shabby.
it's just me, boss. i brought croissants.
we saw his show at the luxor last night.
the kid's got talent. you've never seen malkovich like this. schwartz had him up there singing and dancing. impressions.
very talented son of a bitch. too bad we can't kill him.
a scary dream?
i like that.
how'd it go? did you say the philodendron gets water or no?
what kind of circumstances?
the great mantini?
oh, he's good! great, actually. i saw him do "tru" with his sixty foot robert morse puppet. sensational.
do tell. i love a good plan.
i missed you. i'm sorry. tell me the plan.
can you do that? i mean, do you know anything about puppetry?
i was just asking. no disrespect intended.
fine. i mean, it's not like i was doubting you, it's just that i know puppetry is a skill that takes a long time to acquire.
fine. your mail's on the kitchen table. mostly junk. oh, there's a letter from alex trebek.