sorry, hon. i didn't know orrin hatch was out of his pen. good morning.
gotta run. shipment of grub worms coming in first thing.
craig, listen, honey, i've been thinking.  maybe you'd feel better if you got, you know, a job or something.
well, you know, maybe something else until this whole puppet thing turns around.
craig, everyone can't be derek mantini. well, grub worms are waiting. do me a favor?
would you check in on elijah? he seems to be a little under the weather this morning.
the monkey.
is the trial date set?
why'd you do it, craig?
why, craig. why?
you know, maybe you should speak to someone about this.
sorry, honey.
sorry!
isn't that cute? i just taught her that.
seven-ish
they'll understand. besides i've got a morning appointment tomorrow with elijah's shrink. we're getting to the bottom of this acid stomach.
some sort of childhood trauma, she thinks. possible feelings of inadequacy as a chimp. interesting, huh?
thanks. craig helped, too, by the way.
yes. all vegetable. all the time.
new puppet?
she's very beautiful.
hi.
did you eat?
i was worried.
tom-tom's puncture wound is infected.
the iguana.
i dressed the wound. then i've just been feeding everyone, putting everyone to bed.
no thanks. i'm going to turn in.
'kay.
don't be ridiculous. there is no such thing as a portal into someone else's brain.
i want to try.
i want to be john malkovich. tomorrow morning. plus i'd like to meet this partner of yours.
now?
i'm scared.
i have to go back.
i have to go back now.
i have to go back, craig. being inside did something to me. all of a sudden everything made sense. i knew who i was.
i was, wasn't i? i was john fucking malkovich! take me back, craig.
yes, of course, dr. lester.
dr. lester, would you point me toward the restroom?
fuck pets. is this your partner? i had to come back and do the malkovich ride again. fuck everything else. is this her?
yes, hi.
hi. have you done malkovich yet?
i've been going over and over my experience last night. it was amazing. i've decided i'm a transsexual. isn't that the craziest thing?
everything felt right for the first time. i need to go back to make sure, then if the feeling is still there. i'm going to speak to dr. feldman about sexual reassignment surgery.
don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man, craig.
my god! meet her there. meet her there. meet her there. meet her there. meet her there.
meet her there. meet her there. meet her there.
i have to go back tonight. at eight exactly.
don't crowd me, craig.
maxine!
god, she's beautiful. the way she's looking at me. at him. at us.
i've never been looked at like this by a woman.
oh, you know, not a lot. just hanging around his apartment. i think he must be a lonely man.
you're right. you know i was thinking that we should have maxine over for dinner. since you two are partners and all. it might be a nice gesture.
it'll be okay. i'll fix my lasagna. well smoke a joint. tensions will melt away.
did you know that eskimos have not one, but fifty words for snow. it's because they have so much of it.
after that i'll introduce you to my favorite monkey, elijah. he's got an ulcer, due to a suppressed childhood trauma. but we're getting to the bottom of it. psychotherapy.
i want a divorce.
i'm getting divorced.
but why, son of malkovich?
what are you doing?
nothing. don't go, craig. i've been thinking. let's try to work this out. we've got so much history.
i'm getting rid of the fucking animals.
i'm getting rid of the animals. i've lost interest. besides, they're standing between you and me.
you've always hated the animals.
i'm giving them up. i've changed. i've found a new focus.
us, of course.
fuck maxine.
i have to see you. can you call him and invite us over?
give me one hour to get inside him exactly.
oh my darling. oh my sweetheart.
maxine.
this is too good to be true.
yes.
we love her, craig. i'm sorry.
me and john.
well, you have the maxine action figure to play with.
i'm sorry. that was nasty.
sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. i'd like for us to stay together, craig. you know, platonically, if that's possible. i truly value our friendship.
dr. lester, everything's falling apart.
i blew it, dr. lester.
but now we've lost access to craig.
i'm your goddamn wife. once you vowed to cherish me forever. now you hold a gun to my head?
suck my dick!
you bastard.
i have to see you.
what the hell, darling. close early today, live dangerously.
help! he's locking me in a cage!
it'll never happen, fuckface.
what's that?
once this was a relationship based on love. now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head.
you fell in love with her first.
you didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway.
maybe this is what you've always been, craig, you just never faced it before.
i need a shower.
you're not a monster, craig. just a confused man.
we have to meet.
oh, elijah, you are magnificent!
maxine! listen: it hasn't been me in john the last three times. craig's had me locked up in the apartment. he made me call you at gunpoint. it's been him! oh, god, it's been him!
but maxine, i thought it was me you loved.
hello, dr. lester?
craig stole maxine from me, dr. lester.
no, you don't understand. i've been inside malkovich when i'm with maxine.
no, i didn't know that.
no.
does floris know that she's the chosen?
i have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. and for this i am truly sorry.
oh, it's glorious. it's indescribable.
you bastard!
it's craig in there, i can tell.
why not? i need to get in there!
that bastard! i'll gladly dispose of him in the name of the order, son of malkovich.
well, i for one, am resigning. i will not serve evil. i am ashamed of all of you.
i'll take my chances.
oh, my friends. be thankful you're not human. people are treacherous and greedy and corrupt. i've lost my heart to two of them and i almost lost my soul to another. and i'm no better. look at the way i keep you, locked in cages, for my own enjoyment. well, i've been in a cage too, my friends. literally and figuratively. so tonight i set you free.
good-bye, friends.
hello, friend
they've come to kill me, elijah. see, i know too much. i should get the door. it's impolite to keep death waiting.
they're going to take over the world, elijah. evil will reign. but, then, evil already reigns, doesn't it? so what difference does it make if john malkovich is wearing the fucking crown while it's reigning?
i'm glad you learned sign language, elijah, but i'm tired of your nagging. i'm tired of this conversation. i'm tired period. what has the world ever done for me that i should feel personally responsible for saving it?
what have i become?
yes. i'm the only one. i have to enter malkovich and destroy him from the inside. if not me, who?
hush, sweetheart.
i'll be with you always, my friends. who knows, maybe if i'm lucky, i'll rejoin you with wings and a beak.
my god!
i'm in love. for the first time. it's funny, but when it happens to you, there's no question.
it's elijah.
the monkey.
a better friend.
it's okay, craig. it all worked out, in an odd sort of way.
yeah. i was going to kill him from the inside.
you saw it once. now you see it again. that's life, isn't it? and you were up here to try the same thing, weren't you?
i don't know. there's a small community of us. we have a place they don't know about. we're happy. we'll keep trying to figure out a way. come stay with us. join the struggle.
people make mistakes.
i know.
sure. we could really use a farmer. we'd be grateful for the help. also, i think, you know, if you wouldn't mind too terribly, a little puppet show every once in a while, would do a lot to lift our spirits. you know, if you wouldn't mind too terribly.
oh honey. it's gonna be okay.
it's beautiful, craig, like eden.