yes. unfortunately it's bullshit. the real story of 7 1. 2 is so evil that it could never be revealed to americans raised on sitcoms and happy news anchors.
well, truth is for suckers, isn't it?.
how dreary - to be - somebody .  how public - like a frog .  to tell one's name - the livelong june .  to an admiring bog!
i wouldn't know.
yes, well.
and fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.
you know, if you ever got me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me. that's the thing, romeo.
what?
yeah.
why not?
who told you?
who told you?
somebody told you.
i am dubious, but i don't welsh. meet me at the stuck pig. seven o'clock. you're late, i walk. so help me, if i find out you cheated.
just.
you married?
the usual, barry.
my tits?
christ, you're not a fag are you? because i don't want to be wasting my time.
dont let the girly shit fool you. it'd blow your shorts off.
set me up again, barry.
you're a fag or a liar.
i mean, i am really attracted to you. jesus, you are a fag. we can share recipes, if you like, darlene.
good. now we're getting somewhere. not a chance.
check.
you're not someone i could get interested in. craig. you play with dolls.
yikes.
you might want to check those tarot cards one more time.
the puppeteer told me he loves me today. i know. i can't think of anything more pathetic.
absolutely, doll. i'm just about to close up here.
no.
it better be.
sounds delightful. who the fuck is john malkovich?
what's he been in?
is this malkovich fellow appealing?
good. we'll sell tickets.
exactly. two hundred dollars a pop.
fine. i'll do it myself. i was going to offer a partnership to you, but this way it's more money for me.
sure. it'd be fun.
i'll protect you, dollface.
okay. here it is. ever want to be someone else? now you can. no kidding. only two hundred dollars for fifteen minutes. visit j.m. inc., mertin-flemmer building. etc., etc.
yes, hello, i wanted to place an ad. hi, are you craig's wife?
hi, uh. hi. i wanted to place an ad. yes. "ever want to be someone else?" no, that's the ad, but let's talk about you in a minute. "ever want to be someone else? now you can. no kidding"
let her go, craig. i mean him."
you better hurry. traffic.
davey? max. get me john malkovich's home phone? that's great. love ya and owe ya.
hi. i'm so glad you decided to come. i'm maxine.
and the funny thing is. mr. malkovich, my voice is probably the least intriguing thing about me.
whatever you're having.
ah.
the way i see it, the world is divide into those go after what they want and those who don't. the passionate ones, the ones who go after what they want, may not get what they want, but they remain vital, in touch with themselves, and when they lie on their deathbeds, they have few regrets. the ones who don't go after what they want.  well, who gives a shit about them anyway?
craig, i just don't find you attractive. and, lotte, i'm smitten with you, but only when you're in malkovich. when i looked into his eyes last night, i could feel you peering out. behind the stubble and the too-prominent brow and the male pattern baldness, i sensed your feminine longing peering out, and it just slew me.
only to john, sweetie. i'm sorry. thanks for a wonderful dinner. no hard feelings, partner.
no.
no. don't be an ass.
you can be john malkovich.
two hundred dollars, please.
so unbolt the fucking door, einstein.
crackpot.
yes?
when?
thanks so much for coming over.
so, do you enjoy being an actor?
i love you, lotte.
do you mind?
oh, my sweet, beautiful lotte.
you're late.
i've fallen in love.
you picked the unrequited variety. very bad for the skin.
do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? no i don't suppose you would. it's quite a thrill, craig.
j.m. inc. be all that someone else can be.
sweetie! oh, but we can't. it's business hours. i need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers.
oooh, doll. i love this new devil-may-care side of you. alrighty, i'll track down lover-boy, and i'll see both of you in one hour. exactamundo.
oh, lotte.  oh, sweetie.
a girl has a right to glow if she wants. it's in the fucking constitution.
lotte, this is so good.
lotte? is that you?
oh, lotte.
oh, dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold.
darling!
let him try.
how the hell would i know? i wasn't a philosophy major.
j.m. inc. be all that someone.
one hour.
really? well, you know, he's quite good. i'm surprised. anyway, i have a session with malkovich i have to attend. i'll speak with you soon.
i thought so too, doll. i guess we were mistaken.
i can explain about the portal, darling.
oh shut up. craig, darling are you in there?
lotte called me.
apparently you can control this malkovich fellow now.
i'll say you are. let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it.
you still there, sweets?
wow. do a puppet show for me, craig honey.
i'd love to see your work.
that was incredible. you're brilliant!
you're right, my darling, it's so much more. it's playing with people!
stay in him forever?
well, we'll have all the money in malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally.
no one would ever have to know its not him.
oh, craiggy, that's brilliant!
it's okay, my sweet.
now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create.
no thanks.
vegas.
this is it, lover. you're stepping onto that stage a nobody and presto-change-o, you're coming back the greatest puppeteer the world has ever seen.
doesn't he know how important tonight is to us?
oh, darling. it's a dream come true. we're going to ride this straight to the top.
busy day, my little fire chief. why don't you climb into bed, and i'll meet you there in just.
bad dream, darling?
you've got to be kidding.
malkovich is our meal ticket. you can't back out because of some stupid dream.
perhaps you'll want to consult that ouija board again.
yeah what?!
i'm maxine. i produced the evening with malkovich.
yeah, we'll see, schwartz. we'll see.
keep your eyes in your pants, old timer.
you'd better turn on the pyrotechnics, lover, 'cause right now you're running neck and neck with the dead president. and you're both in last place.
whatever.