there are some fish that cannot be caught. it's not that they're faster or stronger than other fish. they're just touched by something extra. call it luck. call it grace. one such fish was the beast.
by the time i was born, he was already a legend. he'd taken more hundred- dollar lures than any fish in alabama. some said that fish was the ghost of henry walls, a thief who'd drowned in that river 60 years before. others claimed he was a lesser dinosaur, left over from the cretaceous period.
i didn't put any stock into such speculation or superstition. all i knew was i'd been trying to catch that fish since i was a boy no bigger than you. and on the day you were born, that was the day i finally caught him.
now, i'd tried everything on it: worms, lures, peanut butter, peanut butter-and-cheese. but on that day i had a revelation: if that fish was the ghost of a thief, the usual bait wasn't going to work. i would have to use something he truly desired.
gold.
i tied my ring to the strongest line they made -- strong enough to hold up a bridge, they said, if just for a few minutes -- and i cast upriver.
the beast jumped up and grabbed it before the ring even hit the water. and just as fast, he snapped clean through that line.
you can see my predicament. my wedding ring, the symbol of fidelity to my wife, soon to be the mother of my child, was now lost in the gut of an uncatchable fish.
i followed that fish up-river and down-river for three days and three nights, until i finally had him boxed in.
with these two hands, i reached in and snatched that fish out of the river. i looked him straight in the eye. and i made a remarkable discovery.
this fish, the beast. the whole time we were calling it a him, when in fact it was a her. it was fat with eggs, and was going to lay them any day.
now, i was in a situation. i could gut that fish and get my ring back, but doing so i would be killing the smartest catfish in the ashton river, soon to be mother of a hundred others.
did i want to deprive my soon-to-be- born son the chance to catch a fish like this of his own? this lady fish and i, well, we had the same destiny.
now, you may well ask, since this lady fish wasn't the ghost of a thief, why did it strike so quick on gold when nothing else would attract it? that was the lesson i learned that day, the day my son was born.
sometimes, the only way to catch an uncatchable woman is to offer her a wedding ring.
what, a father's not allowed to talk about his son?
jesus christ.
come on, will. everyone likes that story.
sorry to embarrass you.
your mom says i can't tell you that one anymore. you get nightmares.
neither was i. at first.
this all happened in the swamp outside of ashton. kids weren't supposed to go out in the swamp, on account of the snakes and spiders and quicksand that would swallow you up before you could even scream. but there were five of us out there that night: me, ruthie, wilbur freely, and the price brothers, don and zacky.
not a one of us knew what was in store.
zacky, turn your flashlight on!
is it true she got a glass eye?
what's a gypsy?
turn off your flashlights! she'll see 'em.
that's bull-s-h-i-t, that is. she's not even a real witch.
i'll go in right now and get that eye.
fine, i will.
fine, i'm doing it.
ma'am, my name is edward bloom, and there's some folks'd like to see your eye.
i brought it.
i was thinking about death and all. about seeing how you're gonna die.
i mean, on one hand, if dying was all you thought about, it could kind of screw you up. but it could kind of help you, couldn't it? because you'd know that everything else you can survive.
i guess i'm saying, i'd like to know.
huh. that's how i go?
you -- -- are in for a surprise.
having a kid changes everything. i mean, there's the diapers and the burping and the midnight feedings.
no, but i hear it's terrible. then you spend years trying to corrupt and mislead this child, fill its head with nonsense and still it turns out perfectly fine.
you learned from the best.
people needn't worry so much. it's not my time yet. this isn't how i go.
truly. i saw it in the eye.
she was a witch.
i saw my death in that eye. and this is not how it happens.
surprise ending. wouldn't want to ruin it for you.
there was this panhandler who used to stop me every morning when i came out of this coffee shop near the office.
and every day i gave him a quarter. every day. then i got sick and was out for a couple of weeks. and when i went back there, you know what he said?
you owe me three-fifty.
true story.
there's a lot you don't know about me.
your mother was worried we wouldn't talk again. and look at us. we're talking fine. we're storytellers, both of us. i speak mine out, you write yours down. same thing.
you mean, while i'm here.
your mother hasn't been keeping up the pool. if you wanted to you could.
you know where the chemicals are?
i was never much for being at home, will. it's too confining. and this, here. being stuck in bed. dying is the worst thing that ever happened to me.
i said this isn't how i go. the last part is much more unusual. trust me on that.
that's nothing. i once had to stay in bed for three years.
i wish.
truth is, no one quite knew what was wrong. most times, a person grows up gradually. i found myself in a hurry.
my muscles couldn't keep up with my bones, and my bones couldn't keep up with my body's ambition. so i spent the better part of three years confined to my bed, with the world book encyclopedia being my only means of exploration. i had made it all the way to the "g's," hoping to find an answer to my gigantificationism, when i uncovered an article about the common goldfish.
it occurred to me then, that perhaps the reason for my growth was that i was intended for larger things. after all, a giant man can't have an ordinary-sized life.
as soon as my bones had settled in their adult configuration, i set upon my plan to make a bigger place for myself in ashton.
i was the biggest thing ashton had ever seen. until one day, a stranger arrived.
i'll talk to him. see if i can get him to move on.
trust me, he'll have to try.
hello!
my name is edward bloom! i want to talk to you!
i'm not going anywhere until you show yourself.
armed with the foreknowledge of my own death, i knew the giant couldn't kill me. all the same, i preferred to keep my bones unbroken.
so you can eat me. the town decided to send a human sacrifice, and i volunteered.
my arms are a little stringy, but there's some good eating on my legs. i mean, i'd be tempted to eat them myself. so i guess, just, if you could get it over with quick. because i'm not much for pain, really.
look, i can't go back. i'm a human sacrifice. if i go back, everyone will think i'm a coward. and i'd rather be dinner than a coward.
here, start with my hand. it'll be an appetizer.
did you ever think maybe you're not too big? maybe this town's just too small. i mean, look at it.
hardly two stories in the whole place. now i've heard in real cities, they've got buildings so tall you can't even see the tops of 'em.
wouldn't lie to you. and they've got all-you-can-eat buffets. you can eat a lot, can't you?
so why are you wasting your time in a small town? you're a big man. you should be in the big city.
what's your name, giant?
mine's edward. and truthfully, i do want you to leave, karl. but i want to leave with you. you think this town is too small for you, well, it's too small for a man of my ambition. i can't see staying here a day longer.
i love every square inch of it. but i can feel the edges closing in on me. a man's life can only grow to a certain size in a place like this. so what do you say? join me?
okay.
now first, we gotta get you ready for the city.
that afternoon as i left ashton, everyone seemed to have advice.
but there was one person whose counsel i held above all others.
she said that the biggest fish in the river gets that way by never being caught.
okay. thanks.
beats me.
there were two roads out of ashton, a new one which was paved, and an older one that wasn't. people didn't use the old road anymore, and it had developed the reputation of being haunted.
since i had no intention of ever returning to ashton, this seemed as good a time as any to find out what lay down that old road.
that poet, norther winslow did. he was going to paris, france. he must have liked it, because no one ever heard from him again. tell you what. you take the other way and i'll cut through here. meet you on the far side.
just to be sure, you can take my pack.
you stupid sonofa.
there comes a point where a reasonable man will swallow his pride and admit he's made a terrible mistake. the truth is, i was never a reasonable man.
and what i recalled of sunday school was that the more difficult something became, the more rewarding it was in the end.
edward bloom.
yes.
you were expecting me?
i did. it nearly killed me.
what is this place?
the poet? what ever happened to him?
no. i've gotta meet somebody. i'm already running late.
it truly is.
hey!
wait! i need those!
sometimes in a dream, you'll visit places that seem instantly familiar, filled with friends you've never met.
a man might travel his entire life and never find a place so inviting. my journey had scarcely begun, and i had arrived.
really.
it's only three lines long.
norther, do you ever regret not making it to paris?
you're a poet. you oughta be able to. and maybe if you'd seen more, you could.
no, it's okay! i got it. i got the snake.
wait! i'm sorry. hello?!
did you see that woman?
well, she.  uh.
yeah.
shoot.
eighteen.
you're pretty good at arithmetic.
sure is a lot now, though, huh?
what?
i have to leave. tonight.
this town is everything a man could ask for. and if i were to end up here, i'd consider myself lucky. but the fact is, i'm not ready to end up anywhere.
i suspect it will hurt a lot.
i don't expect to.
i promise. someday. when i'm really supposed to.
as difficult as it was to reach spectre, i was fated to get there eventually. after all, no man can avoid reaching the end of his life.
and then i realized, this wasn't the end of my life.
this isn't how i die.
they got ahead of me.
i don't know if you're aware of this, josephine, but african parrots, in their native home of the congo -- they speak only french.
you're lucky to get four words out of them in english. but if you were to walk through the jungle, you'd hear them speaking the most elaborate french. those parrots talk about everything: politics, movies, fashion -- everything but religion.
it's rude to talk about religion. you never know who you're going to offend.
oh, so you know.
hello.
i was dreaming.
i don't usually remember unless they're especially portentous. you know what that word means, portentous?
means when you dream about something that's going to happen. like one night, i had a dream where this crow came and told me, "your aunt is going to die." i was so scared i woke up my parents. they told me it was just a dream, to go back to bed. but the next morning, my aunt stacy was dead.
terrible for her, but think about me, young boy with that kind of power. wasn't three weeks later that the crow came back to me in a dream and said, "your grampa is going to die." well, i ran right back to my parents. my father said, no, gramps is fine, but i could see there was trepidation. and true enough, that next morning my grampa was dead.
for the next couple weeks, i didn't have another dream. until one night the crow came back and said, "your daddy is going to die." well, i didn't know what to do. but finally i told my father. and he said not to worry, but i could tell he was rattled. that next day, he wasn't himself, always looking around, waiting for something to drop on his head. because the crow didn't tell how it was going to happen, just those words: your daddy is going to die. well, he went into town early and was gone for a long time. and when he finally came back, he looked terrible, like he was waiting for the axe to fall all day. he said to my mother, "good god. i just had the worst day of my life." "you think you've had a bad day," she said. "this morning the milkman dropped dead on the porch!" josephine smiles, a half-laugh, which gets him smiling too.
because see, my mother was banging the milkman.
he was slipping her a little extra cream.
he was filling her basket. he was making deliveries around back.
he was buttering her rolls. pumping her churn. splashing milk in her box.
they were squeezing the cheese. clanking the bottles. licking the popsicle.
cracking the eggs and making an omelet.
spooning the sherbet.
you don't need a picture. just look up handsome in the dictionary.
that's because we didn't have a wedding. your mother-in-law was never supposed to marry me. she was engaged to somebody else.
will never told you that? probably just as well. he would have told it all wrong anyway. all the facts and none of the flavor.
well, it's not a short one.
i had just left ashton, and was on my way to discover my destiny. not knowing what that would be exactly, i explored every opportunity that presented itself.
it was on that night karl met his destiny. and i met mine. almost.
they say when you meet the love of your life, time stops. and that's true. what they don't tell you, is that once time starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up.
that's great.
good to meet you.
i just saw the woman i'm going to marry, i know it. but then i lost her.
i'm going to spend the rest of my life looking for her. that or die alone.
yes!
who is she? where does she live?
what do you mean? you don't even know me.
i've got a whole backpack full of clothes!
someone stole my backpack.
wait. you said i don't have a plan. i do. i'm going to find that girl and marry her and spend the rest of my life with her.
i don't have a job, but i would have a job if you gave me one. and i may not have much, but i have more determination than any man you're ever going to meet.
i'll work night and day, and you won't have to pay me. you just have to tell me who she is.
from that moment on, i did everything mr. calloway asked, and a lot of things he didn't. i'd go three days without stopping to eat, and four days without sleeping.
the only thing that kept me going was the promise of meeting the girl who would be my wife.
mr. calloway! it's been a month today.
daffodils. daffodils!
daffodils!
true to his word, every month amos would tell me something new about the woman of my dreams.
college! she's going to college!
music! she likes music. i like music too!
over the months, i learned a lot about the woman i was going to marry, but not her name, and not where to find her.
mr. calloway! it's edward bloom. i need to talk to you.
no, wait!
it was that night i discovered that most things you consider evil or wicked are simply lonely, and lacking in the social niceties.
a few rabbits, but i think one of them was already dead.
there's only one i want.
thank you.
after saying my goodbyes, i hopped three trains to get to auburn that afternoon.
you don't know me, but my name is edward bloom and i am in love with you. i've spent the last three years working to find out who you are. i've been shot and stabbed and trampled a few times, had my ribs broken twice, but it's all worth it to see you here, now, and to finally get to talk to you. because i am destined to marry you. i knew that from the first moment i saw you at the circus. and i know it now more than ever.
don't need to apologize to me. i mean, i'm the luckiest person you're going to find today.
oh.
well. congratulations. i'm sorry to have bothered you.
fate has a cruel way of circling around on you. after all this work to leave ashton, the girl i loved was now engaged to one of its biggest jerks.
there's a time when a man needs to fight, and a time when he needs to accept that his destiny is lost, that the ship has sailed, and that only a fool would continue.
the truth is, i've always been a fool.
sandra templeton! i love you! and i am going to marry you!
they're your favorite flower.
i called everywhere in five states and explained this was the only way i could get my wife to marry me.
i have the rest of my life to find out.
if that's what you want, i swear to it.
don.
i didn't know she belonged to anybody.
i promised i wouldn't.
while i took the beating of a lifetime, it was don price who was ultimately defeated.
all the physical activity had worsened a congenital valve defect. put simply, his heart wasn't strong enough.
go out with me.
as it turned out, sandra was able to keep her same date at the chapel. only the groom had changed.
well, we were all set to, but there was a complication.
truth is, i've been thirsty my whole life. never really known why.
there was one time when i was eleven.
i didn't forget. i was just working on a tangent. see, most men, they'll tell a story straight through, and it won't be complicated, but it won't be interesting either.
and i like you.
now. the thing about working for a circus is you don't have a regular address, and after three years i had a lot of undelivered mail.
during the four weeks i was in the hospital, the postmaster finally caught up with me.
it turned out that while my heart belonged to sandra, the rest of my body belonged to the u.s. government.
a hitch in the army was up to three years at that point, and having waited three years just to meet sandra, i knew i couldn't survive being away from her that long. so i took every hazardous assignment i could find, with the hope of getting my time down to less than a year.
i'm not going to hurt you.
please, i need your help.
over the next hour, i described my love for sandra kay templeton, and the ordeal that brought me before them. as it had always been, this love was my salvation. it was destined to be.
we put together an elaborate plan for escape, involving a whaling ship to russia, a barge to cuba and a small, dirty canoe to miami. we all knew it would be dangerous.
i can get you bookings. i know the biggest man in show business.
bigger.
and so the twins and i began our arduous journey halfway around the world. unfortunately, there was no way to send a message back to america.
and so it was no surprise that the army believed i was dead.
after four months, sandra had gotten over the worst of the nightmares. when the phone rang, she didn't think it was somehow me calling her. when a car drove past, she didn't get up to check out the window.
did i ever tell you about how.
i think someone hasn't.
but the real story is how i got the car. you see.
son?
do i? i saw an iceberg once. they were hauling it down to texas for drinking water, only they didn't count on an elephant being frozen inside. the woolly kind. a mammoth.
what?
then you shouldn't have started with a question. because people want to answer questions. you should have started with, "the thing about icebergs is"
what, you're seeing down to my nose? my chin?
i've told you a thousand facts. that's all i do, will. i tell stories.
you think i'm fake.
it would kill you, huh?
what do you want, will? who do you want me to be?
i have been nothing but myself since the day i was born. and if you can't see that, it's your failing, not mine.
after the war, the sons of alabama returned home, looking for work. each had an advantage over me. they were alive, while i was -- officially -- deceased.
with my prospects few, i took a job as a travelling salesman. it suited me. if there's one thing you can say about edward bloom, it's that i am a social person.
i've travelled from tennessee to timbuktu, and if there's one thing people have in common, is we could all use a hand around the house.
why, with this product you can.
open a jar. open a letter. scratch yourself while wearing mittens. hold a book. hold a baby. hold the dog away from kittens. it's strong enough, you can do a handstand with no hands at all.
you can use it to point out important information. or dangers. or beautiful women.
we're still working on that one.
soon i added other products, and other cities, until my territory stretched from the coast to western texas.
i could be gone for weeks at a time. but every other friday, i'd put all the money i'd made into an account set aside for a proper house with a white picket fence.
i was astonished to see the greatest poet of both ashton and spectre all the way out in texas.
i don't believe it!
that's great, norther. i'm happy for you. i can't believe i helped.
so what are you up to now?
look, i'm really sorry. i just don't want anybody to get hurt.
it turned out the savings and loan had already been robbed -- not by armed bandits, but by speculators in texas real estate.
'fraid so.
look, i just didn't want you to go empty-handed. there's something you should know, norther. you see, the reason why.
i told norther about the vagaries of texas oil money and its effect on real estate prices, and how lax enforcement of fiduciary process had made savings and loans particularly vulnerable.
i knew then that while my days as a criminal were over, norther's were just beginning.
when norther made his first million dollars, he sent me a check for ten thousand. i protested, but he said it was my fee as his career advisor.
ten thousand dollars is no fortune to most men. but it was enough to buy my wife a proper house with a white picket fence.
and for that, it was all the riches a man could ever want.
i was drying out.
come now.
fifty-thousand!
how did you know?
apparently i've overlooked this one piece of it, and i'd like to remedy that. you see, in order for the town to be preserved, the trust must own it in its entirety.
i'll offer you more than it's worth. and you know you won't have to move. nothing will change except the name on the deed, you have my word.
in so many words, yes.
it's not like you're going to lose anything. you can ask anyone in town. i've been nothing if not generous. i want the best for everyone.
helping people makes me happy.
i'm sorry. have i offended you?
you're beamen's daughter. your last name is different. you married.
i see. i thank you for your time.
i'm sorry.
i can get it. i can just.
lord, i'm sorry i.
i'll.
of course, the best part was creating new material. by the time the twins and i got to havana, we had a whole new routine worked out for them, with just a ukulele and a harmonica.
i suppose i should.
no.
don't. don't be embarrassed. i should never have let you think that.  i am in love with my wife.
and from the moment i saw her until the moment i die, she's the only one.
i'm sorry, jenny. i am.
the river.
tell me how it happens.
how i go.
like this.
let's get out of here.
there's a fold-up wheelchair in the bathroom. wrap a blanket around me. as soon as we get off this floor, we'll be in the clear.
hurry! we don't have much time.
faster!
no time to explain! follow us!
water. i need water.
leave it! we won't need it.
the river!
story of my life.
goodbye everybody! farewell! adieu!
my girl in the river.
yes. exactly.