this was a valued rug.
this was, uh--
this was a valued, uh.
were you listening to the story, donny?
were you listening to the dude's story?
so you have no frame of reference, donny. you're like a child who wanders in in the middle of a movie and wants to know--
there's no fucking reason--here's my point, dude--there's no fucking reason--
huh?
huh? no! what the fuck are you talking--i'm not--we're talking about unchecked aggression here--
forget it, donny. you're out of your element.
what the fuck are you talking about?! this chinaman is not the issue! i'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, dude. across this line you do not, uh--and also, dude, chinaman is not the preferred, uh. . . asian- american. please.
what the fuck are you--
you're out of your element! this chinaman is not the issue, dude.
jeff lebowski. come on. this other jeffrey lebowski. the millionaire. he's gonna be easier to find anyway than these two, uh. these two . . . and he has the wealth, uh, the resources obviously, and there is no reason, no fucking reason, why his wife should go out and owe money and they pee on your rug. am i wrong?
am i wrong!
okay. that, uh.
donny! please!
thaaat's right dude; they pee on your fucking rug.
way to go, dude. if you will it, it is no dream.
theodore herzel.
state of israel. if you will it, dude, it is no--
huh? oh--cynthia's pomeranian. can't leave him home alone or he eats the furniture.
i'm saying, cynthia's pomeranian. i'm looking after it while cynthia and marty ackerman are in hawaii.
what do you mean "brought it bowling"? i didn't rent it shoes. i'm not buying it a fucking beer. he's not gonna take your fucking turn, dude.
first of all, dude, you don't have an ex, secondly, it's a fucking show dog with fucking papers. you can't board it. it gets upset, its hair falls out.
fucking dog has papers, dude.--over the line!
smokey huh?
over the line, smokey! i'm sorry. that's a foul.
excuse me! mark it zero. next frame.
this is not nam. this is bowling. there are rules.
this is a league game. this determines who enters the next round- robin, am i wrong?
am i wrong!?
smokey my friend, you're entering a world of pain.
mark that frame an eight, you're entering a world of pain.
a world of pain.
has the whole world gone crazy? am
mark it zero!
you think i'm fucking around here? mark it zero!!
this is a league game, smokey!
you know dude, i myself dabbled with pacifism at one point. not in nam, of course--
you mean--beyond pacifism?
huh. i did not know that. well, it's water under the bridge. and we do enter the next round-robin, am i wrong?
am i wrong!
okay then. we play quintana and o'brien next week. they'll be pushovers.
that's your answer to everything, dude. and let me point out--pacifism is not--look at our current situation with that camelfucker in iraq-- pacifism is not something to hide behind.
i'm perfectly calm, dude.
calmer than you are.
calmer than you are.
yeah, but he's a fucking pervert, dude.
the man is a sex offender. with a record. spent six months in chino for exposing himself to an eight- year-old.
when he moved down to venice he had to go door-to-door to tell everyone he's a pederast.
shut the fuck up, donny.
anyway. how much they offer you?
just for making the hand-off?
what if it's during a game?
life does not stop and start at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit.
huh?
that. fucking. bitch!
that fucking bitch!
shut the fuck up, donny! v.i. lenin! vladimir ilyich ulyanov!
that's fucking exactly what happened, dude! that makes me fucking sick!
those rich fucks! this whole fucking thing-- i did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that this fucking strumpet--
well, there isn't a literal connection, dude.
have it your way. the point is--
the fucking point is--
eight-year-olds, dude.
take the ringer. i'll drive.
the ringer! the ringer, dude! have they called yet?
my dirty undies. laundry, dude. the whites.
thaaaat's right, dude. the weight. the ringer can't look empty.
well you're right, dude, i got to thinking. i got to thinking why should we settle for a measly fucking twenty grand--
my point, dude, is why should we settle for twenty grand when we can keep the entire million. am i wrong?
it is a fucking game. you said so yourself, dude--she kidnapped herself--
dude, are you fucking this up?
what the fuck is going on there?
easy, dude.
dude, nothing is fucked. come on. you're being very undude. they'll call back. look, she kidnapped her--
ya see? nothing is fucked up here, dude. nothing is fucked. these guys are fucking amateurs--
okay dude. have it your way.
but they're amateurs.
yeah. so as long as we get her back, nobody's in a position to complain. and we keep the baksheesh.
that's the simple part, dude. when we make the handoff, i grab the guy and beat it out of him.
huh?
thaaat's right, dude. the beauty of this is its simplicity. if the plan gets too complex something always goes wrong. if there's one thing i learned in nam--
what'd he say? where's the hand- off?
huh?
we can't do that, dude. that fucks up our plan.
wooden bridge, huh?
the bridge is coming up! gimme the ringer, dude! chop-chop!
okay, dude. no time to argue. here's the bridge--
your wheel, dude! i'm rolling out!
your wheel! at fifteen em-pee-aitch i roll out! i double back, grab one of 'em and beat it out of him! the uzi!
you didn't think i was rolling out of here naked!
fifteen! this is it, dude! let's take that hill!
ahh fuck it, let's go bowling.
aitz chaim he, dude. as the ex used to say.
huh? oh, him, yeah. well i don't see, um-- what exactly is the problem?
what the fuck're you talking about? that poor woman--that poor slut-- kidnapped herself, dude. you said so yourself--
that's right, dude, 1 % certain--
donny, shut the f--when do we play?
saturday! well they'll have to reschedule.
i told that fuck down at the league office-- who's in charge of scheduling?
i told that kraut a fucking thousand times i don't roll on shabbas.
well they can fucking un-post it!
c'mon dude, eventually she'll get sick of her little game and, you know, wander back--
i'm shomer shabbas.
saturday is shabbas. jewish day of rest. means i don't work, i don't drive a car, i don't fucking ride in a car, i don't handle money, i don't turn on the oven, and i sure as shit don't fucking roll!
shomer shabbas.
for christ's sake, dude.
went alright. dude's car got a little dinged up--
yeah yeah, "kill that poor woman."
kill that poor woman.
really, dude, you surprise me. they're not gonna kill shit. they're not gonna do shit. what can they do? fuckin' amateurs. and meanwhile, look at the bottom line. who's sitting on a million fucking dollars? am i wrong?
who's got a fucking million fucking dollars parked in the trunk of our car out here?
and what do they got, dude? my dirty undies. my fucking whites--say, where is the car?
where's your car, dude?
hmm. well, we were in a handicapped spot. it, uh, it was probably towed.
well, certainly that's a possibility, dude--
that wasn't her toe.
how the fuck should i know? i do know that nothing about it indicates--
fine, dude. as if it's impossible to get some nail polish, apply it to someone else's toe--
you want a toe? i can get you a toe, believe me. there are ways, dude. you don't wanna know about it, believe me.
i'll get you a toe by this afternoon--with nail polish. these fucking amateurs. they send us a toe, we're supposed to shit our- selves with fear. jesus christ. my point is--
well that's just, that's the stress talking, dude. so far we have what looks to me like a series of victimless crimes--
forget about the fucking toe!
oh, please dear! i've got news for you: the supreme court has roundly rejected prior restraint!
lady, i got buddies who died face- down in the muck so you and i could enjoy this family restaurant!
don't run away from this, dude! goddamnit, this affects all of us!
our basic freedoms!
i'm staying. finishing my coffee.
finishing my coffee.
oh for christ--will you shut the fuck up, donny.
now that is ridiculous, dude. no one is going to cut your dick off.
not if i have anything to say about it.
dude--
now dude--
fucking germans. nothing changes. fucking nazis.
come on, donny, they were threatening castration!
are you gonna split hairs?
am i wrong?
huh?
nihilists! jesus.
and let's also not forget--let's not forget, dude--that keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city-- that isn't legal either.
no, i'm--
--we're sympathizing here, dude--
you gotta buck up, man, you can't go into the tournament with this negative attitude--
fuck the tournament?!
okay dude. i can see you don't want to be cheered up. c'mon donny, let's go get a lane.
he lives in north hollywood on radford, near the in-and-out burger--
near the in-and-out burger--
shut the fuck up, donny. this kid is in the ninth grade, dude, and his father is--are you ready for this?-- arthur digby sellers.
huh?
who the f--have you ever heard of a little show called branded, dude?
all but one man died? there at bitter creek?
fucking arthur digby sellers wrote 156 episodes, dude.
the bulk of the series.
not exactly a lightweight.
and yet his son is a fucking dunce.
yeah, go figure. well we'll go out there after the, uh, the.
what have you. we'll, uh--
shut the fuck up, donny. we'll, uh, brace the kid--he'll be a pushover. we'll get that fucking money, if he hasn't spent it already. million fucking clams. and yes, we'll be near the, uh--some burgers, some beers, a few laughs. our fucking troubles are over, dude.
hardly dude, a new 'vette? the kid's still got, oh, 96 to 97 thousand, depending on the options. wait in the car, donny.
hello, pilar? my name is walter sobchak, we spoke on the phone, this is my associate jeffrey lebowski.
may we uh, we wanted to talk about little larry. may we come in?
that's him, dude.
thank you, ma'am.
does he, uh. . . is he still writing?
uh-huh.
i just want to say, sir, that we're both enormous--on a personal level, branded, especially the early episodes, has been a source of, uh, inspir---
no ma'am, i didn't mean to give the impression that we're police exactly. we're hoping that it will not be necessary to call the police.
but that is up to little larry here. isn't it, larry?
is this your homework, larry?
is this your homework, larry?
dude, please!. . . is this your homework, larry?
is this yours, larry? is this your homework, larry?
is this your homework, larry?
look, larry. . . have you ever heard of vietnam?
you're going to enter a world of pain, son. we know that this is your homework. we know you stole a car--
and the fucking money. and we know that this is your homework, larry.
you're gonna kill your father, larry!.
ah, this is pointless.
all right, plan b. you might want to watch out the front window there, larry.
this is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass, larry.
fucking language problem, dude.
maybe he'll understand this.
you see what happens, larry!
you see what happens?!
here's what happens, larry!
here's what happens! fuck a stranger in the ass!
hunh?
dude?
i can't drive, dude, it's erev shabbas.
erev shabbas. i can't drive. i'm not even supposed to pick up the phone, unless it's an emergency.
i understand. that's why i picked up the phone.
dude, i'm not supposed to make calls--
well it's, sometimes the cathartic, uh.
what's your point, dude?
yeah?
okay, but how does all this add up to an emergency?
i'm saying, i see what you're getting at, dude, he kept the money, but my point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which i'm allowed to break only if it's a matter of life and death--
what the fuck are you talking about?
what the fuck are you talking about? i converted when i married cynthia! come on, dude!
you know this!
yeah? what do you think happens when you get divorced? you turn in your library card? get a new driver's license? stop being jewish?
i'm as jewish as fucking tevye
three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from moses to sandy koufax--
jesus christ.
jesus, dude! he never even kidnapped her.
who'm i? i'm a fucking veteran!
i'll tell you who i am! i'm the guy who's gonna kick your phony goldbricking ass!
look at that fucking phony, dude! pretending to be a fucking millionaire!
let me tell you something else. i've seen a lot of spinals, dude, and this guy is a fake. a fucking goldbricker.
this guy fucking walks. i've never been more certain of anything in my life!
walk, you fucking phony!
it's all over, man! we call your fucking bluff!
sure, i'll put him down, dude. rauss! achtung, baby!!
oh, shit.
oh, shit.
yeah, i can see that, dude.
shit, sorry man.
shit, dude, i didn't know. i wouldn't've done it if i knew he was a fucking crybaby.
shit. he didn't look like a spinal.
sure you'll see some tank battles. but fighting in desert is very different from fighting in canopy jungle.
i mean 'nam was a foot soldier's war whereas, uh, this thing should be a fucking cakewalk. i mean i had an m16, jacko, not an abrams fucking tank. just me and charlie, man, eyeball to eyeball.
that's fuckin' combat. the man in the black pyjamas, dude. worthy fuckin' adversary.
shut the fuck up, donny. not a bunch of fig-eaters with towels on their heads tryin' to find reverse on a soviet tank. this is not a worthy--
he's cracking.
a tree of life, dude. to all who cling to it.
they're nihilists, donny, nothing to be afraid of.
fuck you. fuck the three of you.
there's no ransom if you don't have a fucking hostage. that's what ransom is. those are the fucking rules.
no rules! you cabbage-eating sons-
fair! who's the fucking nihilist here! what are you, a bunch of fucking crybabies?!
and i'd like my undies back!
they won't hurt us, donny. these men are cowards.
fuck you.
what's mine is mine.
what's mine is mine.
come and get it.
come and get it. fucking nihilist.
show me what you got. nihilist. dipshit with a nine-toed woman.
hurls his leather satchel.
twists away as dieter reaches him; grabs dieter's head in both hands; draws dieter's head up to his mouth, which closes on dieter's ear.
his jaw is still clamped on dieter's ear. dieter draws his saber against walter's side, drawing blood.
still worrying the ear. with a tearing sound his head and dieter's separate.
draws back his fist.
anti-semite!
we've got a man down, dude.
no dude.
there weren't any shots.
it's a heart attack.
call the medics, dude.
hurry dude. i'd go but i'm pumping blood. might pass out.
rest easy, good buddy, you're doing fine. we got help choppering in.
walter sobchak.
yeah.
yeah.
what's this?
don't need it. we're scattering the ashes.
this is a hundred and eighty dollars.
a hundred and eighty dollars?!
yeah, but we're--
we're scattering the fucking ashes!
goddamnit! is there a ralph's around here?!
i'll say a few words.
donny was a good bowler, and a good man. he was. . . he was one of us. he was a man who loved the outdoors, and bowling, and as a surfer explored the beaches of southern california from redondo to calabassos. and he was an avid bowler. and a good friend. he died--he died as so many of his generation, before his time. in your wisdom you took him, lord. as you took so many bright flowering young men, at khe san and lan doc and hill 364. these young men gave their lives. and donny too. donny who. . . who loved bowling.
and so, theodore--donald--karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your mortal remains to the bosom of.
the pacific ocean, which you loved so well.
goodnight, sweet prince.
shit, i'm sorry dude.
goddamn wind.
dude! dude, i'm sorry!
dude, i'm--it was an accident!
dude, i'm sorry--
shit dude, i'm sorry--
awww, fuck it dude. let's go bowling.