why'd the polish vampire starve to death?
he kept biting his own lip.
let's fly, kemosabe!
don't die on me, you undead motherfucker!
whistler! we need that serum now!
hey blacula, you ready to shake and bake?
we're pinned down! can't you do something?!
are you insane?! we're practically home free! we can't go hunting for your fucking butter-knife now!
hey! hey!!! come back here!!! this is supposed to be a rescue!
is he epic or what?
so my entrance back there -- what do you think? too flashy? right on the money?
my name's hannibal king. i'm a hunter, like you. and this little hellion is abigail whistler.
that's right, blade. you're not hearing things. she's whistler's daughter. you see, abby, dex, myself -- we're all part of whistler's "contingency plan".
juicyfruit?
welcome to the honeycomb hideout.
internet porn. see, we're using cock suckers to pay for the blood-suckers. joke. come on, man. this isn't some piddly little hoopty-ass operation, blade. we take our jobs very seriously.
you met dex. this is hedges, sommerfield--
the runt you saw earlier is sommerfield's daughter, zoe. we call ourselves the nightstalkers.
we were gonna call ourselves the super friends, but that was taken.
enough. we operate in sleeper cells. when one goes down, a new cell activates to pick up the slack. consider us your reinforcements.
well for starters, i used to be one. do i pass the audition?
you know the kind of woman that just screams trouble? you see her and every warning bell in your brain starts going off but you still ask for her number? well that's all i ever hook up with. but this betty blew 'em all away in the shitstorm sweepstakes.
her name's danica talos. you met her earlier. the man on her left is asher, her brother.
the neanderthal behind them is jarko grimwood.
i picked danica up in a bar, had a one night stand with her -- then spent the next five years playing step-and-fetch-it as her little vampire cabana boy. eventually abigail found me. sommerfield here managed to treat me with a cure. now i kill them. that's called turning a frown upside down.
he's real, blade. dig beneath all the movies and myths. all the layers of bullshit that've cluttered our culture for the last five hundred years and eventually you'll strike the truth.
the movies are just a comforting fairytale compared to the real deal. there's no happy ending with this guy. peter cushing isn't going to run in at the last second and save the day with a cross and some holy water. see, good old brain stoker, he wrote a nice yarn. but the events he described in 1897 were only a tiny piece of the mosaic. the rea1 dracula's origin goes back much earlier than that.
nobody really knows the specifics of his origin. but we do know this: he was the first of his kind. the patriarch of the hominus nocturna.
he's like the patient zero of evil. the original serpent in the garden of eden. and just like the great white shark, he's never had to evolve. this guy was born perfect. scour the history books --
-- he up and disappeared. about a century ago the trail went cold. then we heard a rumor. the vampires were searching for him -- trying to find the place where he'd retreated. according to our information, they found him in iraq about six months ago. and he was pissed.
when i was under the fang there used to be talk about some kind of vampire 'final solution'. but i could never figure out why they'd want to destroy their food source. i mean, seems stupid, right? they've always had plans for the human race. seems likely that whatever they're cooking up, drake's return is a part of it.
let's face it, blade -- we're fighting a losing battle. so we kill a few hundred of them a year. big deal. there are thousands of them out there. maybe tens of th'usands. we need a new tactic.
think about it, blade. we could wipe them all out in a single move.
so. you want to join our club? can we sign you up for a nightstalkers secret decoder ring?
but with a concentrated burst of uv light instead of your standard hollow-points. i call 'em sun dogs. hedges -- super-size me, baby!
this little mamacita -- a modified version of the army's objective individual combat weapon. pick your poison -- stakes, sun dogs, heat-seeking mini-rockets. whatever gets you hard, this puppy will pump out. of course it doesn't have the range of a sword but --
we're still trying to sort out fact from fiction when it comes to dracula. turning into mist? kinda doubt it. but general shape-shifting? maybe.
question. have you ever been laid, hedges?
she's making playlists. likes to listen to mp3s when she hunts. her own internal soundtrack, you know? dark-core, trip hop, whatever kids these days are listening to. me? i'm more of a kenny g fan.
hey, blade -- why didn't the vampire bite mick jagger? cause you can't get blood from a stone.
hey, they can't all be gems!
jesus, it's him! it's drake!
shit!
jesus, it hurts. i wanna be a vampire again -- fuck! did you see that guy?! we're gonna lose, man. we're gonna fucking lose.
hey, hey -- what'd the one lesbian vampire say to the other?
-- see you in twenty-eight days --
hey, blade -- say we're successful. say we wipe the vampires out. what happens then? you ever ask yourself that? somehow i don't picture you parked on a porch with a jigsaw puzzle.
you get me those fruit roll-ups like i asked -- dude. aren't you dead?
back off, pooch --
jesus christ!
what the fuck?! what the fuck?!?
you made a goddamn vampire dog?!
how about you take a sugar-frosted fuck off the end of my dick?
i can tell you two things. diddly. and shit. and diddly just left the building.
okay, here's the deal with the weapon - it's a new flavor crystal formula. twice the chocolaty-goodness, half the calories. plus, it helps prevent tooth decay --
-- gonna be sorry you did that --
sure they are. left a trail of digital bread crumbs --
one thing you need to know about us nightstalkers. when you join our club, you get this nifty little tracking node surgically implanted in your body --
scout's honor. one of us gets lost, the others just dial up the satellite and presto, instant cavalry.
it's in my left ass-cheek --
alright. alright, it's in my right ass- cheek --
no, seriously -- -- it's in the meat of my butt, right below my bart simpson tattoo --
-- pull down my tighty-whities -- see for yourself.
no, it's not, you horse-humping bitch -- -- but it will be a few seconds from now.
hammer time. see, that tickle in your throat you're feeling right now?
that's atomized colloidal silver.
it's being pumped into the building's air conditioning system.
which means that the fat lady should be singing right about --
nothing a hot tub full of bactine won't fix.
drake's got her.
fuck. me. sideways.
bad dog.
no offense, danica -- -- but i've wanted to kill you since the moment we slept together.
yeah, but here's the beauty -- -- these babies can be triggered remotely.
evening lucius.
just a little sport hunting.
that's an interesting question, my friend. and i've got a question for you in return.
what do you get when you cross a vampire with a werewolf?
a fur coat that sticks to your neck.
don't you know fur is murder?