oh, shit!
are you french?
well, your business must not be sports memorabilia, because this one mantle card right here-- --is worth six thousand dollars all by its little self.
no, you get out of here.
no, ferry--excuse me, jerry, i quit.
come on, heathcliff, i'll walk you to the corner.
just come on.
i said come on!
we? i'm going home. and, judging by that coat, i'd say you have to get back to the barber college.
you're lost?
forget it. i'm sick of working for that dickhead.
a walking penis capable of intelligent speech. a dickhead.
what's wrong with you?
here, pick these up!
why doesn't that surprise me?
well, i guess because i'm a little psychic. i have this thing.
let me guess something. this is your first visit to la la land. you're staying somewhere over in hollywood because, like an idiot, you thought that would be an exciting place to stay. right so far?
yes, i'm right?
i knew it! so anyhow, you get on a bus and before you know it, you're out here in the san fernando valley without a clue. which brings us to here. correct again?
where are you staying? the holiday inn?
see? i'm psychic. not completely, but pretty much. that was pretty good, wasn't it?!
yeah. thanks. anyhow, let me predict a bus for you to get on.
i'm not taking you there, sweetie. rule number one in north america: no strangers in the car.
you don't?
well, that changes everything. get the fuck away from me!! i mean it!!
get away from me!!
rogers hornsby?!?
rogers hornsby's worth like four thousand dollars!
so for four thousand dollars, all i have to do is drive you to your hotel?
and that's it?
i don't have to take a physical in your space ship?
okay. what the hell? you got a deal. get in.
so. mister andretti, your first time on the freeway?
mind if i change the station? better traffic reports on am.
what is it?!
perry?
okay, okay! take it easy!
how's that?
over this?
you are one scary son-of-a-gun.
i know a short-cut.
i can't help it. perry como always does this to me! i just get so cranked!
card, please. end of service.
yeah, same here. don't forget your suitcase.
what in the hell am i doing here?! that's what i'd like to know! somebody tell me that.
all i know is that his first name is adam. no! adam webber! that's it.
hi. this is the woman from the baseball card store. remember me?
good grief. hey listen, i'm in the lobby. on the first floor! where the hell else would it be?
okay, down boy. i can't take this for driving you home. i wish i could, but i can't. so here, take it back. i could have just left it for you at the desk, but it's very valuable. now take it.
take it. damn it!
why are you doing that?
oh. okay. well, so long. enjoy your visit.
please don't follow me. don't do it!
i knew this would happen! you're like a lost puppy!
okay! damn!
i should have taken the money and run! that's what troy told me to do! but do i listen? no! put your hand down!
no.
oh, stop that! god! listen, i know you like me. i can tell. but you know what? a lot of guys like me. not me, exactly. it's more like the legs or the butt or the hair. or some combination of the above.
the eyes. okay. an eye-man. anyhow, it never works out. okay? not that you even need to know that! you look like crap, by the way. what have you been doing?
hey, no kidding? in color?
see, ya.
what?
why?! who the hell knows?!
it never works out because i'm into legs and butts and hair myself! that's why! so i wind up with guys who are very good looking, but even more shallow than i am, if you can picture that. now, if you'll excuse me, i have to go find another low-paying, demeaning job where some guy named jerry keeps telling me how lousy his marriage is.
doing what?
food and supplies? who for? like starving people?
how long would you need me?
what's the pay?
i've got to make at least a thousand a week.
sure.
my career's finally taking off.
i just work for the guy.
naw. it's some sort of charity thing. i guess for starving people with yachts.
why not buy them milk or something-- instead of dr. pepper?
who are these people?
very funny, smart ass.
swell? run, eve. run.
what?
well, another day, another dollar. stop staring at me!!
pick you up at eight tomorrow morning.
night!
it's your life. and, by the way, it's a dandy.
no problem. we'll just sell another baseball card.
thank you.
adam? don't even think about it. okay? i'm sorry. i know that sounds mean, but believe me, it would be meaner if i didn't say it. okay?
now, let's take the truck back and get something to eat.
name it.
oh, i'm sure it will!
no, no! i'm sorry! what is it?
think of me as your genie. just ask.
a wife?
what for?
why?!
you can be single and not alone. marriage bites!
the big one!
sure.
everybody knows that. ask my divorced sisters. or ask my divorced mom and dad.
everybody's divorced.
i wouldn't know. what kind of wife are you looking for?
no dogs, huh? okay.
when do you need her by?
well, i could probably get you laid in two weeks, but to locate a non-mutant wife from pasadena. that could take some time.
could we talk about that a little later?
thank you.
get out!
now, get out!!
stop that ma'am crap!
you almost got us killed!
never drive again!
i was wrong!!
yes!
swell!
what are you doing here?
your stuff? let me see that.
you came back for these?
this is adam. adam, meet cliff.
go home, cliff, wherever that might be.
he's a former boyfriend. we lived together for about six months. and yes, i'll admit it. i've still kind of got a thing for him. that's what you wanted to know, isn't it?
i knew you'd like him.
here you go. one champagne cocktail.
i thought only hookers drank those things.
out-of-town. that's all he'll say.
since that guy rear-ended me in palm springs.
i even guessed his hotel, didn't i?
give me your hand.
okay, let's see. i'm not promising anything. you okay?
i'm seeing. snow.  lots of snow. way up north. are we getting hot?
you live in. alaska. the only way in or out of your place is by plane and.  you've definitely come down here for food and supplies and.  to find a wife!
hey, butthead, i'm clairvoyant.
yeah, right! that's where you'd go to find girls! nome. he's gay, by the way.
he's gone to check your answers on his computer.
sure.
no. we keep it in the backyard. of course, in the house. it's in there.
uh. yeah.
exactly. you understand that, don't you? you have no chance of meeting a woman dressed like that.
so, what are you seeing?
money is no object. he's got cards up the wazoo.
wazoo! try to listen. whataya think? surfer, grunge, hip- hop, euro trash?
what's that supposed to mean?
well, that's blunt!
and i suppose you see him in some sort of strapless thing, don't you?
yeah? like ralph lauren?
that's boring!
why don't you take him and pick out his clothes?
i'm busy tomorrow anyway. i have to buy six thousand paper napkins.
yeah.
what about holding your right arm up like that all the time?
i think. it. works.
no.
he's going to kill himself. go skate out on the bike path! it's that way!
that water's freezing!
have you ever heard the saying, "he hasn't got enough sense to come in out of the rain?"
yeah? no kidding. listen, you still want to go girl hunting tonight?
okay. but you know, this business of finding you a wife -- it's kind of ridiculous, don't you think?
yes it is. a girlfriend maybe. but a wife? i mean.
hey, screw you! okay? you think i'm just somebody you can buy off! listen, let me tell you something--
well. yeah. okay.
look unimpressed.
unimpressed, but still interested.
no! not crazy!
yes!
just be yourself.
for him. it doesn't work for the rest of us.
jason, jonathan, this is adam! adam, that's them!
get lost, sophie.
quit showing off! we're here on business!
not that one!
and don't be so obvious!
what have you ordered?
no way.
adam! she's got bitch written all over her! you do know what "bitch" means, don't you?
because we're bitches! look at her! look at the expression on her face! the walk, the jewelry, the fingernails. please!
are you kidding?! you wouldn't even be a crumb on her table! you don't see that?!
well, i'm trying to educate him! it's nothing personal.
yeah, sweet. that's a nice way of putting it.
it's not so much what you say but how you say it. women like men who are unpredictable.
yes, really! basically, they want what they think they can't have. same with guys. that's why everybody is walking around here sending off "you can't have me" signals!
maybe. but that's how it works.
yeah. could be. go say hello, romeo. looks like a healthy non-mutant to me.
say something surprising. and funny. lie, if need be.
what?
did you?
shut up!
go to the bathroom.
you're not from alaska! where'd you learn to dance like that?! and there are no starving people, are there?!
don't change the subject! i want you to tell me the truth about yourself.
you think i'm some sort of sap?! don't you?!
i want to know exactly who you are and what you're really up to!
sure.
so where is your roommate, the model?
go home, adam. go to your hotel.
stop it, you two!
adam?!
i don't blame you!
i'm leaving, too.
and tomorrow maybe troy will help you out--because i quit! this is ridiculous! you're ridiculous! i'm ridiculous!
he go back to the hotel?
what's that mean?
who did he leave with?
i'm his pimp. he left with the dancers, didn't he?
those sluts!
where are you going?
to bed?
what?! now hold on! wait one damn minute!
in the first place, i don't fall in love with weirdos i've only known for four or five days.
and i don't fall in love with grown men who collect baseball cards!!
or pee in their pants when they see the ocean!
or have perfect table manners.
what?
well, consider the source. i don't even know what a lady is.
where did he get all that information?
so now i suppose he's trying to make those two dancers feel as comfortable as possible.
well. i admit it. i'm glad to hear that.
what?!!
oh, no! not sophie! no way! please don't tell me that!!
you're goddamn right i am!
coward!
come on! come on, damn it!
scare me, why don't you?!!? you stupid son of a bitch!!!
what in the hell are you doing here!! you're supposed to be over on san vicente boulevard having unsafe sex with that slut sophie!!
well, you should be! thanks to you, my heart is in my neck!
goodnight!
look! i'm limping! how attractive is that?! what if this is for life?!
well, you had better!!
wait a minute.
there.
is that what you call it?
sing it to me.
adam. dumb question, but humor me. have you ever had sex before?
how is that possible?
uh-huh. adam?
i want you to go back to the hotel now. i'll call you a cab.
that's right. and i'll see you in the morning in the lobby. do you mind waiting outside for the taxi?
my pleasure.
really? okay!
neat. goodnight!
hi, adam. this is, uh.
adam. you should go with dr. aron. it's the best thing. the best thing for you. i promise.
i do.
well what was i supposed to do?! he wants me to live underground with him! that's like silence of the lambs, don't you think?!
oh, no!
oh, my god!
no! not the police! don't call them!
no, i can't have that! they'll come with their cars and their guns and their handcuffs--
you know, i don't think so. i'm confused but you know, i don't think he'd ever hurt me. i don't think he'd hurt anyone.
i was frightened and i didn't know what to think! but you know-i believe him. i think he just wants to go home. wherever the hell that is.
gay.
good god. you don't think there really is a bomb shelter, do you?
give it back to him.
we'll find him.
i don't know. everything's so neat. it's all just so. goddamn dear. damn!
have him committed.
he was always so "nice"! how was i supposed to know that's a good thing?! "nice" is weird! nice is. what is "nice"? it's not cool! i'll tell you that. was it ever?
well, at least i fell for him before i found out he was rich! that's new. wait a minute! he said today he knew where home was. what happened this morning?! where did you go?!
then what?
you didn't stop anywhere else?!
what?!
come on.
have you got a basement?
is there a back entrance?
why would you put a fallout shelter under a porno shop?
well, we've come a long way, haven't we? i want to go home.
adam!!
stop!
adam!!
how do you do, mrs. webber? mr. webber?
uh-huh. i've heard so many wonderful things about you.
they are wonderful parents.
adam said i shouldn't mention the communists.
yes, mrs. webber we are. i'm also from pasadena.
what is this sh. stuff?!
you know, they don't, do they?
and you thought your parents were weird.
you see, that night, adam had a choice between me and his parents.
it's truly amazing what you can get done when you have unlimited funds. did you know you can have whole houses built in just a matter of months. all you have to say is this"i don't care what it costs." and then, of course, you've got to really mean it, which no one ever does.
no.
we can make this work, adam! believe me! i'm very good at making things work!
it took a while to convince archbishop milker that adam wasn't god, and he was pretty broken up about it, too, until i showed him my plans for los angeles' hottest and most original night spot.
you'll be a ten percent partner and still retain ownership of the entrance.
our idea was to bring adam's parents up to the surface very slowly. make them very comfortable and then break the bad news to them that there was no nuclear holocaust. and if that doesn't kill them adam's going to tell his father about the internet.
is that all right?
have you ever in your life seen a son who did more for his parents?
adam says that this is simply how things work. first the parents take care of the children and then the children take care of the parents. he says historically, that's how it works.
whenever adam gives me such obviously incorrect information, i just smile, slap him on the knee, and look out the window. why spoil his dreams? they're such wonderful dreams.