you said "please set fires in my bar". wait, no, that's not right. "please don't set fires in my bar". ok, jeez, you try to get in the holiday spirit.
that's the beauty of my job, crystal. tracking down idiots is something you can do pretty much anywhere. see, there's one.
and there's another one.
and there's.
i don't believe it. that idiot. save my seat.
yeah, you. rudolph. come here, you fucking ding-dong.
not now, dwight.
take it easy, skippy, i'm just doing my job.
so i can be like you patrol boys and sit around all day with my thumb up my ass?
this isn't a tough time of year for me. it's christmas. who doesn't love christmas?
what situation? being a man who works his own hours and has his freedom and lives the high life?
unhappy? are you kidding me, bob? look at me: i'm the happiest man alive.
aaahhh!
talked to who?
i haven't talked to her in three years, why would i talk to her now?
i'm not invited. i'm not a cop anymore, remember?
i don't know, bob. i'm sorta busy.
do i look like i need advice from a grown man in antlers?
hey, i'm a giving kind of guy. anyway, what do you care? i brought your guy in, right?
is that a trick question?
well, we'll soon find out.
the usual.
jealous?
forget what?
whoa. hold up, heidi. what the fuck. i want the job, i'm in the hole.
what's your point?
hey. i just woke up. i was gonna shower.
no.
no.
no.
is this a joke? because if it is, i'm gonna have to kill you.
she got arrested? and then she jumped bail?
yeah. that sounds like her. but here's my question: why the hell did you post her bail?
whoa. she did not "dump me".
no, not "whatever". i dumped her.
well, had you checked with me first, you wouldn't be out of a bond right now.
i love you! you're the best friend a guy could ever have!
right. sorry.
you know what this is, don't you? karma! payback! you know how they say "what goes around comes around"? turns out it's true!
we didn't break up over a stupid article. we broke up because she is a cheating, manipulative liar.
why wouldn't i be able to handle this?
that's not even close to what happened. for one thing, it was called "cupid's cabin". and for another, that was before i knew how conniving she was. now i know. so all i have to do is track her down, cuff her up, and bring her in. and i've got, what, two days? shit, man. easy as pie.
luck be a lady.
toooo. niiiiight!
i told you this day would come.
you better run, you crazy bitch.
nice dog. very compact.
candygram.
whoops.
`allo, love.
wrong. try again.
you sleeping with her, stu?
yeah, that's what i mean. are you sleeping with her at this very moment?
a "history", huh? good luck with that.
the thing is, stu, she'll make you think she's interested in you, when really all she's interested in is the case you're working on, because she wants to launch her big hot- shot career.
really?
oh, she hates me?
no you're not, geraldo. i don't allow reporters on my team.
and for the record: i'm the one who hates her. just so that's clear.
that figures. run home to mommy.
well, nice meeting ya, stu.
i'm going to pick up your girlfriend. but don't worry, if she ever gets out of jail, i'm sure you'll be very happy together.
and this loser she's dating looks like he buys his clothes from kmart.
i don't. i just think it's funny.
i know that. you don't have to tell me that.
you mean like when your wife wants to do one thing, and you want to do another, and you compromise by doing what she wants?
no worries. in fact, i already know where she is and i'm gonna go pick her up right now.
happy to see you, too.
ok. what say we do this inside?
what happened to the pirate show?
but. you are female.
where is she, lois? i need to talk to her.
i wasn't mad about that article. in fact: what article?
devastated her right to the top.
she got to tour the white house?
tell me where she is, lois.
hello, cass.
fancy meeting you here.
how are you?
swell. nice day.
brisk.
invigorating.
"building a sand castle, drinking from a coconut". man, once a liar, always a liar.
working? hey, me too.
what i do is, i track down criminals. people who jumped bail. idiots who decided to go on the run after biting police officers. i find them, and i take them to jail.
tell you what: i'll give you more than a second. i'll give you 10. for old times sake.
strike one.
strike two.
strike three. get in.
i beg to differ.
nope. i'm gonna shoot a cab driver.
ok.
deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la laaaa.
guess who's in my trunk?
aw, come on, teresa, you know it's me. put sid on.
ok, just tell him i got her and i'll be back in 2 hours. i want a bonus for bringing her in so quick.
don't be such a pessimist. you still have time.
gotta go. i got another call.
tina's thai massage! where every ending is a happy one!
hmm. nope. by the way, your boyfriend stewart's been following me. unfortunately, i had to ditch him at the track.
aw, don't be embarrassed. these things happen. you were drunk when you guys hooked up, right?
bad news for you, then. i wouldn't help you if you were the very last baby sea turtle in the world, dragging its tiny weak body across the burning hot sand while sea gulls circled overhead. i'd just pull up a chair, sip a pina colada, and let nature take its course.
hey, i used to be a sucker, but no more. you can cry til the cows come home, for all i care.
holy shit! hey, um, cass? cassidy?
it's ok, hang on, i'm coming.
son of a.
me? i'm the dirty fighter?
sure. what the hell.
get in the car.
thanks, captain obvious.
i enjoy sleeping on the floor. matter of fact, i love sleeping on the floor. i love everything about my life. great job, good friends, hot girlfriend.
yes i do.
teresa. rocking hot body. likes to cook pasta for me and perform strip- teases.
oh, she has all her chromosomes, believe you me.
i can tell. you and stewart make a great couple, by the way. you and me made a terrible couple. but you two? like peas in a pod.
i can't imagine.
not even on his best day.
i'll bet he has a lot of those.
you can't win if you don't play.
i win all the time.
you know what? seeing as how i'm about to come into five grand.
i think i'll do a little betting right now.
please. i have two days. a monkey could get you back in two days.
nope.
prepare to observe the master.
hmm. lemme see.
nope. guess not.
hit me.
we used to be together. back when i was young and foolish.
and i was slumming.
wait. champagne! i'm celebrating.
son of a bitch.
oh? old lois not feeling up to par?
taking care of her, huh? putting aside your career for a loved one? golly, that's so you.
impressive. no wonder you got all those awards. so lemme guess: the real reason you jumped bail is cause you're on a story.
you think about that much? me being the last man alive? am i naked in this fantasy?
please. isn't the whole "dirty cop" thing kind of old? maybe you should do a story about something people are interested in. like internet porn. or lesbians.
oh, sure, like you credited me in the 13th street article?
that's one way of putting it.
forget it. i don't want to be in your article. in fact, i would rather eat a bowl of broken glass than have my name in any way associated with one of your lousy articles.
i already have.
please. nobody was murdered.
dumped in a reservoir?
car accident?
you know what it sounds like? it sounds like you're going to jail.
exactly! i do know you. which means i know you are a deceptive, cold- hearted bitch who is going to jail where she belongs.
i'm gonna have to frisk you.
you gain a little weight?
make it quick.
you almost done in there?
hello? ok, that's long enough, i'm coming in.
you better run.
a guy can dream, can't he?
hey, i know it was a mistake. don't think you're telling me something i don't know, cause you're not.
sure that wasn't me?
ha ha.
you think dirty cops are trying to kill you? look, i know you think you're hot shit and everything, but i'm pretty sure the only one around here who might want to kill you is me.
what?
yeah? he doesn't look like a cop to me.
would you just calm down for a second and.
jesus christ.
listen, you maniac.
shit!!!
yeah, well, no one's killing you until i get you to jail.
first of all: that guy was not a cop. second of all, we just left him unconscious in a ditch. you'll be fine.
and this.  is my job.
i'll lay it out for you: some loser with a minor sheet calls you up and says, hey, i've got a big story for you, you interested? it'll only cost you a couple hundred bucks, and i'll tip you onto some criminal activity, it's your chance to expose some bad guys and write the story of your life. then the moron gets himself caught, he's probably in cold storage somewhere, and now you think the bad guys are after you. see? i get it. i just don't care.
please. my brain can dance circles around your brain.
case closed.
"atlantic city. xmas eve. sparrow." what's "sparrow"?
casino.
stripper?
please. i could crack that story and still get you to jail on time.
you're on.
i have to make a call.
why? you going somewhere?
then you don't need to be uncuffed.
so there's just gonna be a little delay.
but that's the beauty of it, sid, i'm not helping her, she only thinks i'm helping her.
i'll tell you what i'm doing: i'm gonna crack this case first, and i'm gonna take all the credit. who knows, maybe i'll even get my job back.
i am smarter than she is. i would have cracked that 13th street case way before she did if she hadn't.
this from the man currently trying to prove to his wife he can handle xmas.
just. trust me, ok?
nope.
so. atlantic city. xmas eve.
so what exactly are these dirty cops supposed to be doing?
nothing. it's just. it's a good idea. if it weren't, you know. wrong. so. your plan is to catch them red-handed before they can destroy the evidence, then write an expose for the paper and win yourself another big award.
only, you don't know what sparrow is. could be a nickname. or the place where the evidence is stashed. or a code word of some kind. but the guy who knows has gone missing, and you think the dirty cops got a hold of him.
so we find your source, we find the dirty cops. gimme your phone.
funny. listen, bob, i need a favor.
i need an address to go with a phone number. but i need it asap. kinda got a guy on my tail.
hey. you're a reporter. great. but i used to be a cop. let's face it: i'm naturally gonna be one step ahead of you.
what did you say?
excellent plan. oh, except you're staying in the car.
you ok? my bad.
merry xmas to you, too!
room service.
what the?
what the hell are you doing?
yeah, well, you're paying for that.
perfect. play along.
this is like the third card they've given me.
don't tell me to take it easy, now we have to go all the way downstairs again.
davenport. room 2505.
you're an angel.
then you've answered your own question.
hey. these are not toys. you can't just give them to someone and have them know how to use them.
hey. columbo. wait by the door.
this could be a crime scene. there are clues all over this room that only a trained eye can find. and as i seem to recall, you were the one who was unable to figure this out by herself.
who are you talking to, your imaginary friend leslie?
whatever. you wait by the door. and i'll handle this.
i'm saying i don't need your help.
what was that?
did you find something?
lemme see your purse.
ok, ok, no problem. you're probably gonna want this.
take it easy. i'm just gonna unload it.
you're gonna have to jump.
the thing is, bob: cass thinks dirty cops might be involved.
yeah, well, that doesn't change the fact that someone took a couple shots at us.
happened too quick. but it was a dark 4-door chevy, blue or grey, new jersey plates, and the car was wrecked, i know that.
ok. but we're kinda on a clock here.
i'm sorry, it's the only place i know off the strip.
they won't remember us. why would they remember us? just. try to act normal.
has it?
honey? can i talk to you?
hey! i would have won it back if someone hadn't tasered me in the bathroom!
mine's max'd. lemme have yours.
well, i'll tell you, edmund. the secret to our success is that the little woman here knows her place. she cleans for me, cooks for me, and every night when i come home she gets down on her knees and massages my feet.
yup. you betcha.
can i get a whiskey?
after we broke up, i was so mad at you, i told everyone i know you have herpes.
i told everyone you have a moustache.
hey!
that's right. luckily, we're different people now. we don't feel the way we used to.
we have no feelings about each other whatsoever.
just two people who used to know each other.
feels good, doesn't it?
a platonic relationship. working together.
trusting each other.
ladies first.
sneaky bitch.
good shower?
great.
i agree.
time for bed!
excuse me.
what are you doing?
are you trying to seduce me?
really? wow. that's great news. you know what would be really sexy right now?
no. if you talked dirty to me.
no, i mean, tell me about your attraction to me.
really? what part of me?
be specific.
my gun?
i knew i couldn't trust you!
when were you gonna tell me about the matches you found back there in the hotel room?
oh i'm moving on. you know how i'm moving on? by cracking this case before you, then taking you in so you can spend this xmas in jail, all alone.
i'm just curious.
no problem.
really?
really? cause it did make me wonder.
i quit my job.
i quit by getting myself fired.
shit.
what was that about?
oh. thanks.
ok, look: i know you're probably upset that you're not gonna get the story. but a person can't win every time, right?
whadya mean?
this burger.
my tug. is thwelling.  i tink dere might be sesame.
i don't believe it. she tried to kill me.
thanks. great tip.
know where this place is?
(calling after them,
oh, she's my girlfriend alright. but fair is fair: you guys can keep her.
hello, lucky's libations!
oh, i understand, alright, and i don't blame ya. i want to hurt her all the time.
ok. fine. say you were wrong.
for what? for poisoning me with sesame and almost killing me!
say you were wrong.
say you were wrong.
say you were wrong.
ok. now. admit that the only reason you were able to crack that case three years ago was because you looked through my files.
i think i'll hang up now.
thrilled. now tell them i'll be there in 20 minutes. meanwhile, stop shifting in your seat like that and just tell them you have to use the bathroom.
don't look around. just do it.
you know what my mistake was? i never should have let you out of the trunk. i'm fine, by the way. the doctor said i may have been technically dead for a few seconds, but i'm fine now.
it's not what i think, it's what i know. how else did you beat me?
you wouldn't.
only during the holidays.
oh, i am a psychopath, and you know why? cause you made me that way. and if i'm going crazy, i'm taking you with me.
aahhh!!
yeah?
i was lying low.
yeah.
and we think they're ditching it tonight.
aw. that's what all the dirty cops say.
what's so funny?
hey, are you crying?
ok, just don't.
i know you're not.
we're not gonna die.
ok. here's what we do. we're going to synchronize our efforts in order to cross the room and manipulate the bomb out of the room and into the water in order to diffuse the explosive impact.
uh, yeah. or we can just wait to get blown up.
that's the spirit. ok, first we're going sideways: to the left.
ok. my left this time.
now we're gonna work our way over to the bomb.
and i don't think you're a total liar, but in my own defense, i was one of the top detectives in my division, i had been working that case for months, and then you just waltzed in and solved it.
shit.
my right.
so. you were in love with me?
well. it might be a little late for this. but. nice job on the article.
no, really, i mean, it was well- written and.
ughh.
ow.
uh, yeah. i can see the bomb. now we get up.
not exactly.
i'm waiting for a pig to fly in here and grab it.
ok, ok. um, on 3, i need you to jump.
you know: "jump, jump, jump around, jump."
no. i'm fucking with you. for fun. just for my own personal enjoyment.
ok: 1, 2, 3.
lemme ask you this? has anything gone our way yet?
hey. you, too.
now lets find something to cut these ropes off.
trust me: we can definitely catch that cop.
hey, bobby. i got one for ya.
what's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? the spark plug.
merry xmas. i got you this.
hey. i've still got three hours to get you to jail. looks like i'm gonna win that bet after all.
you have got to be kidding me.
yeah. i'm getting that.
9am. see? easy as pie. go on, say it.
stop talking.
see ya.
ah, what the hell.
hey. i couldn't let you spend xmas alone. besides, i didn't really have any plans other than drinking some cheap whiskey and putting my fist through a wall.
hey. it's the kind of guy i am.
i love you more.
i'm just saying i love you a lot.
fine. i love you.
oh yeah? wanna bet?