is this a test?
crystal.
yeah. i got a question.
does barry manilow know you raid his wardrobe?
that man. is a brownie hound.
you keep eating your hand and you're not gonna be hungry for lunch.
i've seen you before, you know.
oh, shit! what're we s'posed to do if we hafta take a piss?
if you gotta go.
you gotta go!
don't talk! don't talk! it makes it crawl back up!
you're pretty sexy when you get angry. grrr!
hey, homeboy.
why don't you go close that door. we'll get the prom queen-- impregnated!
what?
totally?
well hey sporto! what'd you do to get in here? forget to wash your jock?
it's a free country.
sweets. you couldn't ignore me if you tried!
so. so! are you guys like boyfriend. girl- friend? steady dates? lo--vers? come on sporto, level with me. do you slip her the hot. beef.  injection?
what do you say we close that door. we can't have any kind of party with vernon checking us out every few seconds.
so what?
god, you can count. see! i knew you had to be smart to be a. a wrestler.
well. i'll just run right out and join the wrestling team.
maybe the prep club too! student council.
i'm hurt.
oh, this should be stunning.
oh, god! you ritchies are so smart, that's exactly why i'm not heavy in activities!
well. it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes. now would it?
well, i don't know any lepers either, but i'm not gonna run out and join one of their fucking clubs.
s'cuse me a sec.  what are you babbling about?
hey. cherry. do you belong to the physics club?
so?
oh, but to dorks like him.
they are. what do you guys do in your club?
so it's sorta social. demented and sad, but social. right?
you load up, you party.
oh and wouldn't that be a bite.
missing a whole wrestling meet!
oh, i know. i feel all empty inside because of it. i have such a deep admiration for guys that roll around on the floor with other guys!
oh, but i do!
i wanna be just--like--you! i figure all i need's a labotamy and some tights!
young man. have you finished your paper?
am i a genius?
what a funny guy!
everyone just shhh! cut to:
i've been here before, i know what i'm doing!
shut up! cut to:
how're we s'posed to know? we're not s'posed to move, right?
i think a screw fell out of it.
she doesn't talk, sir.
i don't have it.
i don't have it. screws fall out all of the time, the world's an imperfect place.
the door's way too heavy, sir.
hey, how come andrew gets to get up? if he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy!
it's out of my hands.
that's very clever sir, but what if there's a fire? i think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career, sir.
show dick some respect!
eat my shorts.
eat my shorts!
oh, christ.
well, i'm free the saturday after that. beyond that, i'm gonna have to check my calendar!
no!
so?
yes!
not even close, bud!
do you really think i give a shit?
how many is that?
what can i say? i'm thrilled!
fuck you!
you're right. it's wrong to destroy literature.
it's such fun to read. and, molet really pumps my nads!
big deal. nothing to do when you're locked in a vacancy.
do you think i'd speak for you? i don't even know your language!
who do you like better?
you like your old man better than your mom?
no, i mean, if you had to choose between them.
sporto.
you get along with your parents?
you're an idiot anyway. but if you say you get along with your parents well you're a liar too!
can you hear this? want me to turn it up?
dork.
you are a parent's wet dream, okay?
look, i can see you getting all bunged up for them making you wear these kinda clothes. but face it, you're a neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie! what would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen?
i'm being honest, asshole! i would expect you. to know the difference!
yeah?
my condolences.
what's yours?
ka-laire?
nooo. it's a fat girl's name!
you're welcome.
well not at present but i could see you really pushing maximum density! you see, i'm not sure if you know this. but there are two kinds of fat people. there's fat people that were born to be fat, and then there's fat people that were once thin but they became fat. so when you look at them you can sorta see that thin person inside! you see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh.
oh. obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl!
are you a virgin? i'll bet you a million dollars that you are! let's end the suspense! is it gonna be.  . a white weddin?
have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth? have you ever been felt up? over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off. hoping to god your parents don't walk in?
over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, calvin's in a ball on the front seat past eleven on a school night?
you gonna make me?
you and how many of your friends?
i don't wanna get into to this with you man.
'cause i'd kill you. it's real simple. i'd kill you and your fucking parents would sue me and it would be a big mess and i don't care enough about you to bother.
i'm trying to help her!.
your dad works here?
uh, carl?
can i ask you a question?
how does one become a janitor?
no i just wanna know how one becomes a janitor because andrew here, is very interested in persuing a career in the custodial arts.
uh, dick? excuse me, rich. will milk be made available to us?
relax, i'll get it!
claire. you wanna see a picture of a guy with elephantitus of the nuts? it's pretty tasty.
how do you think he rides a bike?
oh, claire. would you ever consider dating a guy like this?
i mean if he had a great personality and was a good dancer and had a cool car. although you'd probably have to ride in the back seat 'cause his nuts would ride shotgun.
op, watch what you say, brian here is a cherry.
when have you ever gotten laid?
name one!
ever laid anyone around here.
well, brian's trying to tell me that in addition to the number of girls in the niagra falls area, that presently you and he are, riding the hobby horse!
well then what were you motioning to claire for?
oh you weren't motioning to claire?
were you or were you not motioning to claire?
well brian, it doesn't sound like you're doing any business.
what's in there?
you're wearing it.
what's that?
sushi?
you won't accept a guys tongue in your mouth and you're gonna eat that?
i don't know. give it a try.
what're we having?
milk?
i can read! pb & j with the crusts cut off. well brian, this is a very nutritous lunch, all the food groups are represented. did your mom marry mr. rogers?
ahhh.
here's my impression of life at big bri's house.  son! yeah dad? how's your day, pal? great dad, how's yours? super, say son, how'd you like to go fishing this weekend? great dad, but i've got homework to do! that's alright son, you can do it, on the boat! geee!!! dear, isn't our son swell? yes dear, isn't life swell?
oh, mine?
stupid, worthless, no good, god damned, freeloading, son of a bitch, retarded, bigmouth, know it all, asshole, jerk! you forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful.
shut up bitch! go fix me a turkey pot pie! what about you dad? fuck you! no, dad, what about you? fuck you! no, dad, what about you? fuck you!
you wanna come over sometime?
you don't believe me?
no?
do you believe this? huh? it's about the size of a cigar. do i stutter? you see, this is what you get in my house when you spill paint in the garage.
see i don't think that i need to sit here with you fuckin' dildos anymore!
i don't.
i don't. being bad feels pretty good, huh?
my maid's on vacation.
we'll cross through the lab, and then we'll double back.
wait! wait, hold it! hold it! we have to go through the cafeteria!
hey man, you don't know what you're talking about!
great idea jagoff!
no, just me!
get back to the library, keep your unit on this!
three. two. one!
oh, hi!
don't you wanna hear my excuse?
i'm thinking of trying out for a scholarship.
b-o-o h-o-o!
impossible, sir. it's in johnson's underwear.
hey keep your fuckin' hands off me! i expect better manners from you, dick!
for better hallway vision!
are you threatening me?
a naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. she lays the poodle on the table. bar- tender says: "i suppose you won't be needing a drink." the naked lady says.
oh shit!!!! cut to:
i forgot my pencil.
it was an accident!
so sue me.
so, ahab. kybo mein doobage.
poor baby.
some of them.
well, some i consider my girlfriends and some. i just consider.
whether or not, i wanna hang out with them.
do you?
well, not for me.
how come you got so much shit in your purse?
i asked you first.
neither do i.
you never answered the question.
she's only a tease if what she does gets you hot.
face it, you're a tease.
sure you are! you said it yourself sex is a weapon, you use it to get respect!
oh then what do you use it for?
oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological?
well if you'd just answer the question.
no big deal.
talk to us!
it's easy, it's only one question!
i think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling.
why'd you think it'd be easy?
i take shop. you must be a fuckin' idiot!
no, you're a genius because you can't make a lamp.
i could care less about trigonometry.
without lamps, there'd be no light!
i wanna see what claire can do!
now, everybody can do something.
you ever seen wild kingdom? i mean that guy's been doing that show for thirty years.
that was great, claire. my image of you is totally blown.
am i laughing?
what do you care what i think, anyway? i don't even count, right? i could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference. i may as well not even exist at this school, remember? and you. don't like me anyway!
god, you're so pathetic! don't you ever. ever! compare yourself to me! okay? you got everything, and i got shit! fuckin' rapunzel, right? school would probably fucking shut down if you didn't show up! "queenie isn't here!" i like those earrings claire.
are those real diamonds, claire?
or did your daddy buy those?
i bet he bought those for you! i bet those are a christmas gift! right? you know what i got for christmas this year? it was a banner fuckin' year at the old bender family! i got a carton of cigarettes. the old man grabbed me and said "hey! smoke up johnny!" okay, so go home'n cry to your daddy, don't cry here, okay?
who cares?
you are a bitch!
no! 'cause you know how shitty that is to do to someone! and you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell 'em that you're gonna like who you wanna like!
don't you ever talk about my friends! you don't know any of my friends, you don't look at any of my friends and you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends so you just stick to the things you know, shopping, nail polish, your father's bmw and your poor--rich--drunk mother in the carribean!
and as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and i walk down the hallways at school, you can forget it! 'cause it's never gonna happen! just bury your head in the sand. and wait for your fuckin' prom!
yeah? good!
you lost?
why'd you do that?
you know how you said before, how your parents used you to get back at each other. wouldn't i be outstanding in that capacity?
truth?
no.  cut to:
see you next saturday.
and a criminal.