oh, god, no! the hair's wrong. this is a bad sign. we really need to get a make-up person?! the segment producer, ally loman, steps over.
a hair net? i'm not wearing a hair net. i just did the hair.
you guy's should tell me this before hand, this is like a huge waste of. moose. bruce spreads the hair net, bends down out of frame, comes up looking ridiculous and very disgruntled.
remind me to swing by an elementary * school after this and serve lunch. ally laughs.
for three decades the kowolski family bakery has been a mainstay in downtown buffalo. known for their sinfully rich, cream filled, deep fried polski pierogis. and the occasional sugar induced coma that follows. today, in honor of their 30 year anniversary, momma kowolski and her sons gustov and vol, decided to do something, a little bit different. tell me guys, how did this idea come about?
wow. fascinating. bruce steps up to the huge cookie.
the previous buffalo cookie record was 3 feet, 17 inches baked by gladys pelsnick. but this behemoth cookie clearly proving that gustov and vol have much more free time. the kowolski brothers and all celebrate in the background, toasting with big mugs of milk. bruce steps forward, looks dramatically at camera, slow zoom in as he speaks.
as we witness the ceremonial toasting with milk it makes one pause and think. what are we really looking at here?
is it just a big cookie or does this cookie represent the pride of buffalo? our dedicated and hard working citizens the key ingredient, with a few nuts thrown in. and finally, the love of our families which provides the warm chewy center making our beloved buffalo the sweetest place to live.
and that's the way the cookie crumbles. i'm bruce nolan, eyewitness news. bruce's hair net slips up, puffing his hair into a bun on the top of his head. the kowolskis and bystanders all laugh. the frame freezes. we pull back from the tv and find bruce holding the remote, watching the recorded spot on tv. we are now.
so, what do you think?
it sucks. it's a story about a cookie. people with eating disorders will be riveted, dear bruce, love the bakery piece. i can't wait to vomit so i can make room for more cookies.
what? i'm cutting that. they made me wear that stupid thing. i don't even look like myself. the hair is one of the most important parts of an on camera persona. right out of the gate, i lost the hair advantage. grace looks at a photo,
grace. try to stay focused here. i need your help.
it's sweeps grace. it is serious. there's an anchor job open. this is important. this is our future! bruce points to the tv as he says "future," not realizing he's pointing at the ridiculous image of himself with the hair net bun. grace can't help but giggle.
i'm never going to get anchor doing these kind of assignments. i want my work to matter.
alright. grace holds up a photo.
yeah, so full of hopes and dreams.
you look pretty intense, hun.
so, you're attracted to me in some way, is that what you're trying to say? grace rolls over onto bruce.
i was saving myself for the wedding night, but if you keep this up, i may lose my resolve. grace stands, pulling bruce up.
hey, that's a good line, but you need more resonance. from the diaphragm. that's the way the cookie crumbles.
that's the way the cookie crumbles.
well then, let me take these clothes off and slip into my hair net. grace laughs, bruce joins in as they disappear into the bedroom. cut to:
bruce nolan. and this is sixty minutes.
no, i'm having a great dream. the covers are ripped out of frame. bruce throws a mock hissy fit.
of course they lost, they're my team. cut to:
"and that's the way the cookie crumbles." you know, i think there might be something to that cookie line. everything great anchor has his own signature sign-off. "and that's the way the cookie crumbles."
oh no! grace, the dog!
ah!
whoops, sorry.
oh, you're all done, huh? b-e-a-utiful.
yeah, if you want to rub your success in people's faces. then bruce notices a big medical van in front of the school with a blood drive sign.
what's with the hubbub?
creepy. needles, yech.
i mean, it's just s o . . .
c'mon, that's your. blood. it's in your body and i don't think it's supposed to come out. besides, they stockpile that stuff. they have an endless supply frozen in a warehouse somewhere then tell everyone there's a shortage.
well, i'm ib positive. ib positive they aint touchin' me with no needle. grace sighs in exasperation, starts out when.
what's that?
well, i hope they work, cause it's going take a miracle to get me to work on time.
this is just my luck. bruce's beeper sounds. he checks it.
catch you later, lemmings 1 it's kill or be killed, only the strong survive, no guts, no glory1 sfx: siren bruce pulls over, fumes.
thank you.
well, that's- bobby, i gotta go- i'm late.
bobby, i can't, i--
mmm, delicious, i really gotta go.
can you get kelly- ahh.  bruce tosses the thought, digs into his pocket, fishing for cash.
really?
bobby.
keep the change.
sorry, jack. it wasn't my fault. the traffic was -- you guys already played the spots?
that's great evan.
jack, jack, hey. can i talk to you for a second?
sweeps. jack takes his sandwich and leaves. bobby leans to bruce.
look, jack. hear me out, i'm getting desperate man, i am pushing forty and what have i got to show for it? the point is, i've hit some kind of a ceiling here. some kind of anti-bruce barrieri and evan is just lovin' it, by the way. he gets the good stories, he gets on sweeps. maybe i have to be more like evan.
i can be an asshole.
yeah, i'm sorry. bruce bends down, starts picking up jack's food.
it's just- this anchor position looming, it's gotten me nuts.  he hands the plate to jack, as sexy anchorwoman susan ortega saunters by.
maid of the mist. that's always live.
evan gets the live feeds.
i'm going live. in sweeps.
yes 1 you will not regret this, jack. i will not forget you when i go national. bruce takes off, jack looks down, peels the sandwich off his chest. we hear children's joyous shrieks.
grace?
oh, a little place called the winners circle. i'm at the falls doing a "live" report.
yep, it's happenin', hun. i got sweeps and i'm live. you know what that means?
this is happening for us, grace. what we've always talked about. jack practically came out and told me. grace quickly switches gears. she experienced the premature- celebration before.
well, he didn't spell it out, but this is exactly what happened to susan ortega right before she was bumped up to the desk.
i totally agree, but in the mean time you should start thinking about what coast you want to live on. ally interrupts, indicating the time.
oh, they're calling me, i gotta go.
what for? i'll get soaked.
and people who are insanely ' * thirsty, i get it. *
90 seconds, going live. think anchor, think dignity, ignore umbrella. just have fun. cut to:
thank you, susan 1 bruce nolan here aboard the maid of the mist at niagara falls.
first off, "i want to add another congratulations to evan baxter. it's good to see what someone with real talent can accomplish when great opportunities are given to him instead of me. anyway, i'm here, i believe with katherine hepburn's mom. tell me, why did you toss the blue "heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of titanic? the old woman doesn't know what to say.
did you feel guilty at all letting leonardo decaprio freeze, while you were safe floating on the big door? do you think he would have survived if you had taken turns, or were you too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?
well, i guess that's the way life works, isn't it? some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid umbrella.  while others who aren't fit to kiss my willy, are sitting in a nice, comfy news room, sucking up all the glory111
now, lets speak to the owner. come on in here, bill. bill shakes his head "no" as bruce pulls him into frame.
bill, you.'ve been running the maid of the mist for 23 years. tell me, why do you think i didn't get the anchor job?
do you think it's my hair? maybe my teeth aren't white enough? or like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life slowly erroding underneath me. erroding. erroooding. errodiiiing.
i'm bruce nolan for eyewitness news. back to you fuckers 1
hey, come on guys. what are you doin'? just leave him alone. they turn, look at bruce, laugh and head off. bruce helps the sign guy up, looks after the gang.
yeah, you'd better keep walkin'. they stop cold, turn back to bruce and charge at him. bruce attempts to run, but they leap on him in a big dog pile, swinging and kicking. bruce is left with a bloody lip, lying beside his car. we hear the sound of smashing glass and scratching metal and the gang running off. bruce slowly gets up. reveal bruce's car, window's smashed, paint scraped and the word "hero" key scratched on the door.
b-e-a-utiful.
get a clue, buddy.
god, yeah. let's thank god. thanks for everything, lord. i am so honored that my horrible demise is a part of your loving and mysterious plan.
oh, don't worry, he's not listening. if he is he doesn't care. have you seen the news lately? we got gangs, we got drugs, we got corruption. what kind of god lets that happen? every time we cure a disease he comes up with a new one! yeah, is this the lab? yeah, it's god. they've just come up with a treatment for syphilis down there. i think it's time to release the tainted monkey. oh, and there's a guy in ohio who's praying for strength and wisdom, blind him and cut off his legs.
think about it, grace. god is all- powerful . he could fix everything in five minutes if he wanted to.
oh, perfect! but you're aim isn't so good, i'm over herel
of course not. it's part of the mysterious plan. grace puts sam outside. returns, trying to calm bruce.
okay? news flash: i'm not okayi and i'm not okay with the fact that you think everything is okay. i'm not okay with a mediocre job. i'm not okay with a mediocre apartment. i'm not okay with a mediocre life! bruce angrily swipes at the table knocking the photos and the photo albums to floor.
terrific. i'm drowning and you throw me a brick! grace starts to cry.
perfect! i'll have the worst day of my life with a side order of guilt, please. i-- i don't need this. bruce grabs his keys and heads out.
okay, god. you want me to talk to you? then talk back. tell me what's going on? what should i do? give me a sign.  bruce passes a blinking yellow caution light, doesn't notice. . .
i'm right here. speak to me. a pedestrian stepping into the crosswalk, steps back out of the way.
all i need is some guidance. please send me a signal. a truck transporting various road signs pulls in front of br uce . f our way s, bli nki ng. the va rie d s igns re ad: yi eld , wrong way, dead end, do not enter, stop.
oh well, i guess you don't care. bruce spots the prayer beads hanging on the rearview mirror.
okay, we'll do it your way. lord, i need a miracle. please help me.
come on, where'd you go? ah ha! ahhh! and bam!11 bruce's car slams into a light post.
okay, if that's the way you want it. the gloves are off, pal! let me see a little wrath! smite me oh mighty smiteri what, no pestilence no boils? come on, you got me on the ropes, don't you want to finish me off?! you're the one who should be fired! the only one around here not doing his job is you! what are we, you're little pet project? a hobby you tinker with now and again? answer me. answer me!!! a beat of silence then bruce's beeper goes off. he cynically chuckles at the timing, checks it, sees 772-5623.
sorry, don't know you, wouldn't call you if i did. bruce walks off toward his wrecked car, it beeps again. cut to:
well, hello again 772-5623, don't hold your breath. bruce tosses the pager on the bed, heads for the bathroom. the beeper beeps. bruce stops in his tracks, turns, opens the window, grabs the beeper and fires it out. it shatters against a telephone pole. he calmly continues to the bathroom.
oh, no.
what's the point? beep, beep, beep.
perfect. he gets out, shakes off his sopping leg, and heads inside.
how would i get to room 7?
what about the elevator? he points to an elevator bank a couple of steps away.
what? yeah, i mind. he continues on.
excuse me. hello. i'm, ah, looking for whoever runs this joint.
yep, seems to be. kinda bright, though.
oh, the elevator's broken, huh?
you installed a clapper?
i gotta go.
oh, this is hilarious. so you're the boss and the electrician and the janitor.
how do you know my father? and how did you get my pager number?
wow, a whole drawer. just for me? mind if i take a look?
who are you?
sorry, it's not ringing a bell. janitor. god i'm god, bruce.
oh, you're god. well that explains everything1 that's how you know everything about me. that's how you got up to the seventh floor so quickly. well, it's really nice to meet you. thanks for the grand canyon and, ah, good luck with the apocalypse. bruce turns to leave, but finds himself walking right toward god and his desk. he tries again, and again.
okay, i don't know how you're doing that, but i really gotta go. this place is obviously rigged in some way. we're on some freaky hidden camera show. . for which i will not sign a release, by the way! but you know what, i'd be a little more impressed if you didn't use the cheesy file cabinet illusion.
okay. that's good. that's a good one. bruce quickly puts his hands behind his back.
okay, god. how many fingers am i holding out? bruce extends three fingers.
okay, how about now. he quickly pulls in two fingers.
aaahhhl
you stay away from me! i don't know what your doing. but whatever you're doing is probably actionable!
job? wh at job?
sure, whatever you say, pal. he turns to go but god stands before him in the janitor uniform, holding the mop.
okay, that did not happen. he races to his car stepping in the same puddle, but this time his foot doesn't sink, he walks right across it. he paus es f or a bea t --
no.
i'm having a breakdown. that's what it is. just a normal, everyday psychotic episode, brought on by tumor or brain lesion.  we hear the car wind down to nothing. bruce releases the key pounds the steering wheel in frustration.
come on, starti the car instantly starts.
well, that was lucky. bruce backs up, peels out. music up: "he's got the whole world in his hands"
okay, just relax here. i did not meet god and i do not have his powers. if that was god, then i'm mario andretti. instantly, bruce's car peels out, races through traffic, dodging and passing cars right and left.
aaahhhhhhhh!j!
si, dovete venire sopra per il pranzo un certo tempo. bruce reacts shocked. the crew backs off and urges him on in italian.
it isn't real, it isn't real, it isn't real.  an older. sally kirkland-type waitress, order pad in hand, stands listening to bruce with a raised eyebrow.
oh hi, ah, coffee please. the waitress pours him a cup.
no, that's okay.
alright, okay. she heads off. bruce sits thinking. could it be real? he looks at the sugar down at the end of the table, holds out his hand and the sugar slides across the table right into his hand. the creamer slides into his other hand. bruce is half scared, half thrilled. he pours some cream and sugar into his cup, looks around the table.
excuse me i need a spoooo.  bruce chokes up a spoon into his hands, wipes it off with his napkin.
that's alright, i found one. the old man eyes bruce suspiciously, gets up and moves further down the counter. the waitress sets down the soup, heads off, then turns back.
what?
okay.
you- he- thy.
rules ?
well the two extra fingers freaked me out a little bit.
uh huh. can i-ask why?
this is amazing.
where are you going?
god can't take a vacation. can he? can you?
right. left alone, bruce begins to carefully tip toe back to shore, progresses to a full sprint.
and he saw that it was good. he spots a mannequin in a store window display, wearing a cool, casu al outfit. he closes his eyes. when he opens them, he's wearing the cool new outfit and the mannequin is dressed in his clothes. he checks his reflection. . . better. bruce rounds the corner, sees the same gang that beat him up, hanging out in the alley.
b-e-a-utifull
hey guys, remember me? the gang members turn to bruce.
look, i don't want to fight you guys. so as soon as you apologize, i'll be on my way. a beat, then the hoods burst out laughing. a few circle behind, surrounding bruce.
what a coincidence. that's today. the hood gets a pained look, starts gyrating around, then a monkey comes climbing out the back of his baggy pants. the big guy looks at hood #1.
now i'm going to have to teach the rest of you guys a lesson.
just me.  and me.  another bruce steps out from behind a stack of crates.
and me, and me, and me, me, me, me, me and me and me. as bruce talks, duplicate bruce's begin popping out from various spots, a doorway, hanging down from a fire escape, a dumpster pops open, six bruce's jump out.
okay guys, kum ba yal the bruce's jog over, leaping and diving into bruce's body.
i'll take it from here. bruce takes a deep breath, opens his mouth wide, releasing a
back home for you, little one. the monkey takes off back into the alley, as we see hood #1 stumbling to his feet.
what if god was one of us. . . just a slob like one of us.  just a stranger on a bus.  trying to make his way. . . grace reacts a bit surprised by bruce's happy tone, she gets up, opens the door and there stands bruce, beaming smile, holding a very unique bouquet of flowers.
home.
you can call me bruce.
who wouldn't be on a night like this? for you. grace takes the flowers, gives bruce a kiss, still sizing up his mood.
it's a totally new breed. a cross pollination between tulips and daisies. i call them todayzees.
nothing of this world. why?
last night, i was only human. bruce backs out of the kitchen seductively.
cd 4, track 7. the stereo illuminates and barry white music plays.
we shouldn't waste it. bruce starts kissing her neck. grace turns, .they kiss and a meteor shower lights the sky behind them. the kiss ends.
bedroom.
standing at the door with both arms extended toward the bathroom like an warlock casting a spell. suddenly the light hits him from the open bathroom door and he quickly strikes a casual pose. grace stands in the open doorway, panting like an animal. she dives on bruce, attacking him.
sam. uh uh uh.
good boy.
good morning.
oo, my favey. bruce sits, grace sets down his plate, leans close.
heavenly?
huh? ah, no, they, ah, look the same to me.
you got me. probably just a hormonal thing. well, enjoy your breakfast, i've gotta run.
to get my job back. music up:
well, it gets me from a to b.
and the last shall be first.
yeah, i had a bad day. but things are lookin' up.
just lookin' for a story.
i don't know. my instinct tells me there's something more.
since the disapearence of teamster president jimmy hoffa in the nineteen sixties, his whereabouts have remained one of this country's great unsolved mysteries. that is until just moments ago, when during a routine training session, a police dog named hank sniffed his way right into the history books. as you can see behind us, the body is being carefully exhumed and will be transported to a hospital facility where dna testing will confirm the identity. that, of course, only a formality as in a bizarre twist, the body was found buried with a birth certificate and complete set of dental records. sort of a two-in-one for hank today, as moments later, he busted a local news camera crew with four kilo's of marijuana. we see footage of phil and his news crew, being cuffed on the ground, as large stacks of marijuana plants are being pulled from the van.
oh, susan.  hi.
that's the word.
no, thank you, i'm not hungry.
no.
i'm really not interested.
bobby, i--
no, i really- no.
no, bobby.  bobby n01 i said i didn't want anything. damn you.  bruce continues off, as bobby stops cold, adopts an odd expression, then his eyes roll up in their sockets, spin all the war around, then glow red. little horn bumps push up from his skull. he turns instantly demonic.
no harm no foul, jack. i needed some time off to reassess my goals and get in touch with my true self.
imagine what i can do with seven. jack pauses for an awkward beat. his face grows serious.
what's that?
oh, i'm busy doing. things. jack recovers, rejuvenated.
jack, don't worry about that. just give me a camera and a crew and i'll give you the news. bruce exits. jack likes the new bruce.
you know, he does have a certain pizazz about him.
hold that thought, hazel! it seems some type of meteor or asteroid has, by chance, hit the earth right behind the mark twain chili cook off. . .
 . . so remember, it's sky diving season at old pete's airfield. this is bruce nolan.  my rip cord appears to be a bit stuck. bruce yanks again harder, nothing, then again and the cord rips free from the suit.
this is a very unfortunate turn of events. i'm heading toward the earth at a very precarious speed.  the cameraman pops his shoot and we see bruce continue to stream toward the ground below. he falls into a wooded area. a camera on the ground picks up the coverage, runs through the brush with other bystanders to find bruce laying on top of a big, hairy creature.
ah ha! you are real!
in the past, zoo officials have been unable to get these panda's to mate, but that doesn't seem to be a problem today. reveal a male panda wholeheartedly humping another panda.
and the mood seems to be catching o. . . n wide shot of the enclosure - panda's are coupled off and humping everywhere. mothers are frantically covering children's eyes, ushering them away from the exhibit.
and that's the way the cookie crumbles.
very good. if you run out just bring me some water, i'll take it from there. grace looks over the menu as bruce notices people at various tables eyeing him. he glances up to a ceiling light and redirects it with his mind, so it spotlights him in golden light. two cute girls with dates smile and wave. he waves back.
huh? oh, no this is fine right here. bruce looks at grace lovingly. he takes her hand.
i was going to wait until after the meal, but i think it's going to just bust out of me if i don't do it now. grace beams, looks at bruce with total love.
you ready?
i got anchor. grace's face falls. she does her best to cover.
evidently, they're having problems with evan. he's finishing up the week and i go live monday.
well, yeah. grace, i got anchor. we got anchor! she's having a hard time covering her let down.
what's the matter?
yep, it's me.
well, sure. just one second, hun. fans. we better get used to this, huh? grace sits watching the two girls take turns sitting on bruce's lap, taking pictures. sees bruce relishing in the attention. one girl gives bruce a peck on the cheek and they r"ss!w^w!s leave. grace is clearly upset.
oh, thanks.
wow. it's kind of loud in here. grace looks around the quiet romantic setting.
geez.  ----- - could you ~keep tt downl--- --
what? would you excuse me for a second? he gets up and darts off.
is this heaven? god laughs at this one.
i'm dead?i god laughs.
those voices.
prayers? those are prayers? why can't i understand them? god forms a snowball in his hands as he talks.
okay, so maybe i've righted a couple of the wrongs in my own life. i was going to get around to others. i can do both. i can help the world.
yeah. everything is great. a doorway opens like a crack in space. grace steps out, sees bruce.
oh, ah, she can't.  i just, ah, needed a little fresh air. bruce fakes a couple big breaths.
i wasn't running out on you.
you are not helping. . me at all here, grace.
look hun, i want to talk about this. this just isn't a good time. okay?
stay out of this. grace looks at him like he's nuts. *
oh, not now. bruce puts his hands to his ears. grace takes this as him not wanting to listen to her.
thank you.
no. god smiles.
okay, first off, this creepy whisper thing has got to go. organization and management. i need a system. something concrete.  * prayer files 1 * * let all prayers be organized into * +* files. * bruce waves his hand--- * instantly, the room is jammed full of file. cabinets. * bruce * too b ulky. ah! praye r po st-it s! * instantly, the files are gone and millions of post-it's, each * with a person's prayer request begin slapping down attaching * themselves to everything in the room. * bruce himself becomes a big post-it mummy. he pulls the one * covering his mouth. * bruce * sloppy. * * ah! * cut to: *
welcome to the information super highway. no mess, full bless. a computer progress bar titled "downloading prayers" appears on screen, there's a long, long way to go. bruce watches and waits, bored - looks at his watch. * dissolve to: * bruce - morning *
no. you look great.
i think you look amazing. *
no it's not. come on, give me a * hug.
don't need to. bruce motions to the window. grace walks over, looks out and s es . . e. a new sporty red convertible wrapped in a white bow.
happy two months and four days before your birthday.
i'll work it out. just trust me. bruce dangles the keys in front of her eyes. * grace * if you're trying to buy your way * out of the hot water you're in, * it's not working. . . * * well, it's working a little.  * bruce smiles. * cut to:
yes to you, loyal sabers fan. and no to you. and your goalie has turrets. bruce smiles, this is fun. music up: mic jagger "god give me everything i want"
promotion with 15% raise. it's green. . . donuts are now healthy.
oh, come on. what a bunch of whiners. this is going to suck up my whole life. bruce gets an idea, pulls down a menu on the computer, highlights "answer all" types in the word "yes" and hits enter. the computer takes over, answering each email automatically. bruce smiles and gets up.
that's great.
oh, i've got something better than lunch. bruce pulls out. they drive off.
really?
keep 'em closed.
okay. open your eyes. grace does and sees a staggering mansion. * grace * wow. this is a bit overwhelming. * bruce * i know, it's incredible. come on * in, look. * int. mansion . *
it's mine. ours.
this is our new home. come on.  bruce pulls grace up the stairs.
7 million. that was the asking, but i got a deal.
we'll have the money. listen to me closely. i'm getting anchor. then, i'm going to get spotted, offers will come flooding in to go national, and then you and i are moving to new york city to a place that will put this to shame. this has been my exact dream my whole life and it's finally going to happen. every step just how i pictured it.
what?
honestly, i thought you'd be a little more appreciative.
like pearls to swine.
let those with ears hear.
exa ct ly. f or th e bet te r. i' m not poor and s truggling . and mayb e that threatens you. i'm telling you, there are plenty of women who would love this place.
i want that. grace * 'that'. you can't even say the * word. * bruce * marriage, i want marriage, okay. * it's just not a great time right now.
come on grace, lighten up. .* tomorrow's saturday. the office is * throwing me a party here, for getting anchor. let's enjoy the ride for a whi le. we're just starting to have some fun.
grace.
hello.  corona. lime next time?
bless you. bless you.
put your money on the sabers. coach prays a lot. a french waiter approaches bruce.
what do you have left? the waiter holds up a small basket.
just take it around. the waiter gets a confused look. cut to: chips overflowing, shrimp spilling out of baskets, hands
i ' d thank you all for coming, but the liquor is free so maybe you should thank me! everyone laughs.
and now let me tell you a story. there was a man who had two sons. the younger son took his inheritance and squandered his money on a life of lust and debauchery. i love that guy!!
oh, ah, i was calling grace.
i don't know, we had a fight earlier. ever since i . . well, things are different now and.
really?
look susan, i don't know, i-- susan grabs bruce, kisses him passionately. bruce doesn't join in, but doesn't fight it either.
grace, i.
grace, wait. grace follows debbie out.
grace, come on. grace stops, opens her purse, tosses the keys to her new car in bruce's chest.
come on, don't say that. i was just calling y ou--
i didn't think you were coming-- i mean, i . . . i screwed up, okay. let me make it up to you.
if that's what you want.
grace, come on, don't do this.
you're the one that didn't like the new place! grace gets in, slams the door.
you can't walk out on me! i'm the alpha, lady! i'm the omega! debbie peels out.
i could make you stay! bruce is left alone in the middle of the street.
fine! i don't need you! i have everything i need. did you hear that?! i have everything!
grace left me.
she'll take me back. will she take me back?
how do you make someone love you when you can't effect free will?
okay, surrender, surrender. he walks over to grace.
hi.
i, ah, have my first anchor tonight.
i miss you. i just took the first step, shot myself out on the ledge, awaiting vulnerably your response.
how about you love me and you'll take me back.
come on, what about all the signs?
would it help if i told you i acted like an ass? martin is standing nearby.
it's okay as long as you mean a donkey. i didn't add "hole." it's only bad when you say "ass-ho--
grace, please. none of this seems * right without you. * * is that a glimmer of hope i see? *
wait. bruce dramatically raises a hand toward grace, like putting a love spell on her.
now how do you feel? she looks at him, oddly.
drin kin g? sur e. i'm dru nk wit h
love me1!!
hey11 that's my car!!
thou shalt not steal. the prisoners jump.
car, show them the way out. instantly, the car doors fly open and the seats tilt sideways dumping the prisoners.
what is wrong with the world?
you know what? i'm good. the show must go on. bruce sits in the anchor desk, breathes in the reality.
susan, you didn't do anything * wrong. in fact, i found the * moment rather pleasurable. * susan shudders, tries to compose himself.
i'm bruce nolan and here's what's m ak i n g n e ws -- and the screen goes to static. lights dim in the studio.
thank you, susan-- susan gets a feed in her earpiece.
we'll get back to the saber victory in just a moment. in other news-- again, static.  jack tosses his headset.
what's going on?
but your team wonl cars are being rolled over. a lone police officer protects himself with his shield as he's pelted with various debris. the officer pulls bruce down behind a car.
where are the other officers?
hear, o' buffalo, you have awakened my wrath. vengeance is mine! a bolt of lightening shoots right into the middle of the rioters, scattering them. people flee in every direction as thunder crashes and lightning bolts continue to strike. bruce stands alone in the street, surveys the smoldering mayhem, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out the key god gave him. he grips it tightly and.  int. omni presents - night *
they're all out of control. i don't know what to do.
what happened? i gave everyone what they wanted. god sets the mops down.
wait. where are you going?
what if i have a question? what if i need you? god stops, looks down to bruce.
bruce giveth and bruce taketh away. suddenly, filbert goes to throw a punch but his punch has no sting. the bigger boy looks down and grins.
come on, sam. let's do this the right way.  oh, alright.  bruce pulls out a swatch of carpet, lays it on the grass. sam happily goes. they walk off together.
that's not normal you know.
okay bobby, it's time to come back. bobby hisses at bruce, turns insanely demonic.
un-damn you, bobby. bobby instantly transforms to normal.
you know, evan. i've been a real prick. evan stops, looks up at bruce, confused.
you were born to anchor. i'm not taking the position. oh, and i never really congratulated you on getting the job in the first place. congratulations, evan. bruce offers his hand, evan takes it. when their hands meet, there is a kind of electrical charge that passes between them. bruce walks off, evan is confused when he catches his reflection in the mirror. he's back to normal!
you made the right choice, jack.
with your permission, i think i'll go out there and make the people laugh. to quote a friend, "god knows we could use it." jack smiles.
oh, are you hungry? i know a place that makes a mean tomato soup.
jack. this is a friend of mine, cindy. cindy this is jack.
you can do it, sam. without the carpet. come on. sam does. bruce celebrates, does a happy dance and is surprised to see debbie standing there.
debbie. hey. you know, i never got to apologize for--
i know. debbie starts to go, but turns back.
the woman does pray a lot. he types in "grace and bruce" and eagerly awaits. there are 335 matches. he checks a few.  "dear god, please help bruce to find himself, find contentment, find you." "dear god, please help bruce. he's struggling to find meaning." "dear god, help bruce to be happy. he can't seem to find his way" over and over, he finds the same prayer, the same entry every morning and night for months on end. bruce is touched.
she still loves me, buddy. he kisses sam and races out.
you win. i' m done. please. i don't want to do this anymore. i don't want to be god. please, help me. and with that, the rain stops. the dark clouds slowly open as beams of light cut through, shining down upon bruce, birds begin to chirp.adding to this magical moment as. . .
am i?
but why? why now?
you knew it all along. you knew if i got everything i wanted, i would ruin my life. god doesn't respond, just listens.
so i'm dead.  okay. if this is what you want. okay, okay.  god holds up the prayer beads, tosses them to bruce. bruce looks at the beads, then up at god, puzzled.
alright.  i've learned that i don't know as much i thought i did.
hey, i'm praying here.
if i could have just one thing in the world. it would be for grace to live a happy, joyful life. and that she finds someone.  . that she finds someone that will treat her with the love and respect that she so deserves. god smiles the most satisfied of smiles.
a. b positive.  doctor #2 you should thank god for donors. we don't have a lot of that type on hand.
hey, i'm okay.
only when i talk., and smile.  and y'know, exist in general.
nothing. it's just really nice to see you. she goes to him, bruce sits up a bit and they embrace. dissolve to:
this is bruce nolan at buffalo's first annual "be the miracle" blood drive. remember, the life you save may be mine, so hurry down. i had a close call and, well, can you imagine what life would have been like without me? laughs in the background, from the people that know bruce. bruce walks over to the kowolski brothers.
in honor of this event, the kowolski brothers have baked a one- of-a-kind, creation. the brothers proudly unveil the special cookie and we see that it's a huge syringe shaped chocolate chip cookie.
sure, a little creepy and a shameless plug, but we love 'em. mmm, good needle. remember, that's kowolski's bakery. the bakery that gets more air time than a high speed chase. everyone laughs. the kowolski brothers beam. bruce takes a seat as a volunteer nurse pulls up his sleeve, revealing the prayer beads worn around his wrist. she ties off his arm, starts to probe for a vein. 
to be honest, i've never been a big fan of shots. . . the volunteer now is swabbing bruce's arm and bruce is starting to sweat.
okay, we're good to go. they just stick it into my arm. breaking through the skin, of course.  the volunteer pulls out the needle and bruce passes out cold. gasps, the nurse leans close, total silence, then:
blllaaaa!
had you going, didn't iiiiii1
no, this is nothing. in fact, this is the second time i've given blood this week. for those of you who haven't heard, i ' d like you to meet the soon to be mrs. exclusive. he throws a look to grace who smiles in return. the crowd applauds.
this is bruce nolan reporting for eyewitness news. the camera cuts. bruce lowers his mic, turns to grace.
so, what'd you think? grace * i don't know, i thought it was very * pleasurable. * bruce smiles, they kiss.  as the blood drive continues, we push through the crowd, heading somewhere. bodies clear frame and we see the homeless man sitting on a park bench. his sign reads: