i believe in the church of baseball. i've tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones -- i've worshipped buddha, allah, brahma, vishnu, shiva, trees, mushrooms, and isadora duncan.
i know things. for instance -- there are 108 beads in a catholic rosary. and -- there are 108 stitches in a baseball. when i learned that, i gave jesus a chance. but it just didn't work out between us. the lord laid too much guilt on me. i prefer metaphysics to theology. you see, there's no guilt in baseball.  and it's never boring.
which makes it like sex. there's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. making love is like hitting a baseball -- you just got to relax and concentrate.
besides, i'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250 unless he had a lot of r.b.i.'s or was a great glove man up the middle. a woman's got to have standards.
the young players start off full of enthusiasm and energy but they don't realize that come july and august when the weather is hot it's hard to perform at your peak level. the veterans pace themselves better. they finish stronger. they're great in september. while i don't believe a woman needs a man to be fulfilled, i do confess an interest in finding the ultimate guy -- he'd have that youthful exuberance but the veteran's sense of timing.
y'see there's a certain amount of "life-wisdom" i give these boys. i can expand their minds. sometimes when i've got a ballplayer alone i'll just read emily dickinson or walt whitman to him. the guys are so sweet -- they always stay and listen. of course a guy will listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay.
i make then feel confident. they make me feel safe. and pretty.
what i give them lasts a life-time. what they give me lasts 142 games. sometimes it seems like a bad trade. but bad trades are part of baseball -- who can forget frank robinson or milt pappas, for godsakes! it's a long season and you got to trust it.
i've tried them all -- i really have -- and the only church that truly feeds the soul -- day in, day out -- is the church of baseball.
number twenty-two's thighs are just great. who's he?
three-fourteen? hmmm.  look't those thighs, jackson.
-- millie, you've got to stay out of the clubhouse. it'll just get everybody in trouble.
you didn't get "lured". women never get lured. they're too strong and powerful for that. now say it -- "i didn't get lured and i will take responsibility for my actions".
that's better. got the radar ready?
he looks great, just great!
take this to ebby in the dugout between innings.
it says he's not bending his back on his follow-through.
well let's get down to it, honey -- how was he?
what a sweet idea --
we didn't order this, honey.
who's that?
really? kinda cute.
annie savoy. wanta dance?
i don't trust a man who don't dance. it ain't natural.
all of 'em, i think.
you got a live arm there.
you need a nickname.
crash, i didn't think you --
you boys gonna fight over little me?
oh don't be such guys --
hell, max, wanta dance?
well -- you boys stopped fighting yet? are you pals now? good. i love a little macho male bonding -- i think it's sweet even if it's probably latent homosexuality being "re- channeled" but i believe in "re- channeling" so who cares, right? shall we go to my place?
oh both of you, of course.
these are the ground rules. i hook up with one guy a season -- i mean it takes me a couple of weeks to pick the guy -- kinda my own spring training.  and, well, you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far. so.  i thought we should get to know each other.
actually none of us on this planet ever really choose each other. it's all quantum physics and molecular attraction. there are laws we don't understand that bring us together and break us apart.
you're a regular nuclear meltdown, honey -- slow down.
what do you believe in?
oh my.  don't leave.
wait, crash -- don't go -- all i want is a date. i'm not gonna fall in love with you or nothin'.
i'm not interested yet.
no ballplayer ever said "no" to a date with me.
wait, honey, slow down -- i want to watch.
no, no, no. put it back on and take it off slowly.
when you know how to make love, you'll know how to pitch. shh. i love this part.
oh my -- what a nice back.
no, no, honey.  first the shoes and socks.
you think dwight gooden leaves his socks on?
ebby honey have you ever been handcuffed in bed?
sweetie, have you ever heard of walt whitman?
well, he sort of pitches for the cosmic all-stars.
good -- then listen. "i sing the body electric. the armies of those i love engirth me and i engirth them -- "
shh, shh.  "they will not let me off till i go with them, respond to them, and discorrupt them and charge them"
"limitless limpid jets of love hot and enormous -- quivering jelly of love, white blow and delirious juice --
what'd he say?
oh my.
see my hips?
i think thomas pynchon's a genius.
but you were pulling your hips last night.
i'm committed to nuke for the season. you had your chance the other night.
young men are uncomplicated. and he's not "dim". he's just inexperienced. my job is to give him "life-wisdom" and help him make it to the major leagues.
damn.
but they're nice hips. i looked up your records -- you've hit 227 home runs in the minors. that's great!
why not? if you hit twenty homers this year you'll be the all time minor league champ! the record's.
oh no, i think it'd be great! the sporting news should know about it.
damn.
despite my love of weird metaphysics and my rejection of most judao- christian ethics, i am, within the framework of a baseball season, monogamous.
oh crash.  you do make speeches.
you got me all confused.
i'm not a real batter. i'm a woman.
it's a long season, boys.
yes, yes, yesnmmmmyes.  oh my.  oh, that was just fabulous, crash.
i didn't say "crash". i said nuke.
honey, don't ever listen to a woman when she's making love. they'll say the strangest things.
would you rather me be making love to him, using your name, or making love to you, using his name?
you see how nice things are when we go slow?
you can learn to like it.
y'know if you make it to the bigs you could still become the host of dance fever. baseball's a good stepping stone for things like that.
there is a lot of things you never thought of, sweetie -- now get some rest for tonight's game.
oh dear.  easy honey.
here we go again, jackson, hold on tight.
i want you to wear these on the road trip when you pitch.
they'll fit snugly against your balls in such a wonderful way that you'll start seeing things differently -- plus they'll remind you of me which is better than thinking about those nasty hitters.
you've been pitching out of the wrong side of your brain. these'll help move things to the right side.
they did when they were in the carolina league.
a woman should never ask questions about road trips.
men don't realize that women always know when they've been unfaithful. the fact is, upon exact moment of penetration -- the woman knows.
this sort of spiritual awareness can be a mixed blessing, especially if you're dating a ballplayer. i believe a woman oughta take care of her man so thoroughly that he can go on the road for a few days without having the desire to search out another pair of panties that is probably, however, my most ridiculous belief. i just hope the boys start winning soon. in some profound way i fear that a last place team is a reflection on its women.
what is this "i, i, i" stuff? you only talk about yourself? aren't you glad to see me? don't i look nice?
good. total exhaustion can be spiritually fabulous. let's play catch.
that's not necessary, jackson -- okay, nuke, now lean in for the sign.
just do what i say. now, which nostril are you breathing through?
the right nostril. good.
there are two important psychic conduits called the "pingala" and the "ida". the pingala starts with the left testicle and ends at the right nostril.
the ida originates at the right testicle and terminates at the left nostril.
the pingala is the nostril used for throwing a baseball. and if you discover before a game you're in the wrong nostril, it's easy to switch.
right. okay, fire a couple in there.
you're patronizing me! i will not be patronized --
he's handled a lotta pitchers whose records were better than one and six.
a little better.
much better. your delivery was fully integrated because you weren't thinking about it 'cause you were pissed off at me. this is progress.
or.  . we could just take that sexual energy and save it for a few hours and re-channel it into your pitching tonight. c'mon, jackson, i've got some lemonade!
it's all the same thing.
that's max. his ashes anyway. he left no kin.
oh don't be silly. death is nothing to be scared of. it's just another way of living. it's just a fresh start -- kinda like spring training.
yes. and so is birth. now look me in the eyes, nuke -- you haven't been wearing my panties, have you?
he looks wonderful, jackson.
oh my.
oh no -- he's shaking off the sign, jackson. big mistake.
i'm yours.
breathing through your pingala always works, honey --
now don't go overboard, i look incredibly hot, right?
nuke?!
get over here.
ebby calvin "nuke" laloosh --
nuke was so encouraged that he took a vow to not have sex until they lost.
y'see a ballplayer on a streak considers himself touched with magic and he'll do anything to keep from breaking the spell.
in fact the whole team started making religious connections and everybody got hot.
i figured nuke would win a couple, then lose, and things would get back to normal.
but it didn't happen like that.  and for one extraordinary june and july, the durham bulls, for whatever perverse reason, began playing baseball with joy and verve and poetry --
the two sides of my own brain were all jumbled up and cross-wired.  while one side was being neglected, the other was in paradise watching our bulls play like big leaguers.
we swept a four game series with kingston, back to back doubleheaders with winston-salem, and kicked the holy shit out of greensboro in a three game series.
they were in demand all over town -- and crash, who kept hitting dingers, was approaching the minor league record.  though i told nobody.
after sweeping a july 4 doubleheader, the durham bulls were tied for first.
but beautiful as the winning streak was, i was getting damn lonely. something had to be done. i needed a man.
i'm so proud of you and all the guys. want some more soup?
how 'bout a back rub?
i'll tuck you in.
i'm not gonna try to seduce you, sweetie.
that's my leg.
i figure we could work on some fundamentals even if we don't make love.
sure. unsnap my stockings.
yes i do.
what a nasty thing to say.
oh.  crash is a very smart man. now c'mon, honey, give it a try.
watch.  one hand --
now you try.
mmmmmmm.  oh yes.
i'm trying to play with your body!
of course i'm seducing you for godsakes, and i'm doing a damn poor job of it -- aren't i pretty?
cute?! i hate cute! baby ducks are cute! i wanta be exotic and mysterious!
nuke! you got things all wrong! there's no relation between sex and baseball. ask crash.
what'd he say?
he did?
crash.  i want you.
he's confused --
don't you think i'm pretty?
i want to be had.
he won't make love to me anymore.
i want you desperately!
i teach part time at the junior college. what if i told you i was through with nuke? he learned his lessons quickly and left me.
i don't imagine there's much i could teach you.
crash, i get wet just thinking about you.
i'm ready for a complicated man.
i said when i think about you, i get wet.
god damn you -- what is happening? is there no man who'll have me? this is the weirdest season i ever saw -- the durham bulls can't lose and i can't get laid!
i need a drink.
i was raised in a baptist church got dipped in the water when i was 5 -- born again before kindergarten.  by the time i was 10 i knew it was bullshit and at 15 i ran away from home.
pregnant, had an abortion, got pregnant again, had an abortion again.  gave up men. tried women. missed men. my mother died. i bought a car for $200 and drove to ft. lauderdale to bury her. and after we'd sung some hymns in some wretched florida funeral home, i went outside and something happened --
the smell of cut grass in the warm march air overwhelmed me and i heard a noise -- ) -- tok, tok, tok -- and some men shouting.  then tok, tok, tok.
i crossed the street -- it was the new york yankees spring training field -- tok, tok, tok, was the sound of a ball hitting a bat -- and i sat in the warm bleachers to think about my mother.  and i saw him.
thurman munson. he was covered with dirt and he was fighting with everybody -- it was beautiful.  and he called the ump a cocksucker and got thrown out of the game even though it was an exhibition! so i stayed in the bleachers all spring and gradually came to understand what's so great about baseball.
if you know where home plate is, then you know where 1st base is, and 2nd, and everything else -- 'cause they're always in the same place in relation to home. don't you see? if you know where home plate is, then you know where everything else in the universe is!
it's true, it's true! least it used to be true. it ain't possible that baseball's not enough anymore, is it, crash?
no.
well.  i used to think that wasn't the worst thing in the world to look forward to. lately i'm not so sure.
whatta you mean "why not"? are you gonna play forever?!
omigawd, honey, i'm so happy for you.
oh jimmy, honey, i think it sounds wonderful!
no, no -- i'm fine. millie, how much time did you and jimmy spend together before he proposed?
we all deserve to wear white.
god, he's so romantic.
when crash got throwed out, the game got out of hand.  . jose made three errors with his cursed mitt.
nuke never quite got in the groove though he didn't pitch bad.
and the winning streak came to an end with a 3-2 loss.  the good news was that a man was about to come calling.  the bad news was -- it was the wrong guy.
it's okay.
oh -- won't you come in?
uh oh.  can i offer you some coffee?
he's a good student.
praise the lord, eh?
oh my -- i better fix that. ebby will you help me? i'm no good with mechanical things
you don't have to.
so am i. nuke, honey, we need to talk --
-- but you're father's in there!
nuke -- we do need to talk!
hello? skip? yeah, as a matter of fact, he is here.
it's skip, for you.
oh let's not.
that's great!
just pitch well and do good.
she will, mr. laloosh, she will.
well i guess this is it.
neither will i.
ebby calvin nuke laloosh -- don't think too much.
i heard already.
oh my.
so you see in a former lifetime i'm sure that i was alexandria, the czarette of russia? what do you think?
it doesn't work like that. god, you're gorgeous. want to dance?
mouth, tongue, lips, teeth, roof of the mouth, jaws, and the jaw hinges.
crash said he had to get an early start to drive to asheville in the south atlantic league where he heard they might need a catcher to finish out the season.
the house smelled like sex for days. it was wonderful. the only real cleaning i did was on the kitchen floor 'cause who likes to walk on spilt cereal?
the funny thing is, i stopped worrying about nuke. somehow i knew nothing would stop him. crash was right -- nuke had a gift.
i was reading in bed when crash hit his 247th home run. i knew the moment it happened.
i lit a candle for crash's dinger.  and tried to root the durham bulls home to a pennant.
the kid from lynchburg wasn't good enough to hold crash's jockstrap if ya ask me, and nuke's replacement had a fastball that i coulda hit we had a three game lead with two weeks to go when the rains came.
it rained and rained and i thought of driving down to asheville to see crash but then i thought "no, what you pursue, eludes you". i had to trust quantum physics and the church of baseball. it ain't always easy being this religious.
oh my.
what happened?
i'm quitting too. boys, not baseball.
salem, massachusetts? where all the witches were?
not yet. it takes years of practice.
you'd be great, just great.  'cause you understand non-linear thinking even though it seems like baseball is a linear game 'cause of the lines and the box scores an' all -- but the fact is that there's a spacious-"non-time kind of time" to it.
what?
i can do that, too.
walt whitman once said -- "i see great things in baseball. it's our game -- the american game he said "it will repair our losses and be a blessing to us".  you could look it up.