hey! what're you guys doing here -- stealing my girl? no prob, kids -- crash? you mean nuke. you said "crash". you said "crash". you said "crash". yeah maybe you're right. mmm, hmmm. you shoulda seen how many people came to the airport to see me off. when i got drafted first it was the happiest day of my father's life. he likes baseball more than i do. i wanted to be the host of dance fever, somethin' like that. god, i never thought of that. hello? dad? this is ebby. yeah, i know, i know -- you got the durham papers yet? well i been a little wild. these hitters down here are better than the ones in high school. how's mom? yeah? well i am trying hard. i am bending my back. you're not coming down' here to visit just yet, are you? can i talk to mom? i thought i was -- what's this guy know, eh? if he's so great why's he been in the minors for ten years? and if he's so hot how come annie wants me instead of him. fun? what's he know about fun? why's he calling for a curveball? i wanta bring heat. i wanta throw the heater to announce my presence with authority. but he ain't seen my heat -- why's he always call me "meat"? i'm the guy driving a porsche. well, i held it like an egg. i'm having a blast. god, that sucker teed off on it just like he knew i was gonna throw a fastball. how? don't think. just throw. don't think. just throw. god, that was beautiful. what'd i do? christ, skip and larry are talking about me. don't get anybody warm in the pen yet. i'm okay. i'm having fun. don't yank me in the first, man. aw, shit. don't pull me, skip. i'll settle down. i'm okay! i'm trying not to think. what? jesus, annie, i don't know -- big league pitchers don't use these. oh she may get wooly, women do get wooly, because of all the stress. how come you don't like me? what do i got? i ain't pissing nothing away -- i got a porsche already. a 944 with a.c. and a quadraphonic blaupunkt. you been in the majors? god damn it i'm sick of you calling me "meat"! you wanta step outside! no. wait a minute. calm down, crash. teach me how to throw a breaking ball. this is from tony for the rainout. c'mon, man, let's go to the party. "naw"? there's ice skaters coming! you ever made love to an ice skater? you're through with one night stands?! what do you want? you're weird, man -- i want a ice skater real bad. if i get laid, you won't tell annie? hey, guys, pa--rty! how's this? get your holy ass in room 401. hundred dollar fine if you're not in #401 in five. crash! skip wants everybody in #401 for a team meeting. hundred buck fine if ya don't show! god -- what a big league move. he can't make it. here's his fine. can i ask you something? what would you think of a pitcher who wore women's panties? no! i was playing naked. god i'm tired. what a trip i was lousy. i was worse than lousy. everytime i pitched -- it was like throwing gasoline on a fire. kaboom. sorry. you look great. i'm totally exhausted. catch? this in ridiculous. i'm a pro. which nostril am i breathing through? my right nostril? i'm really beat. i need some serious "z's" -- switch nostrils? if i throw too hard i'll hurt the kid. how was that? gimme the god damn ball! how ya like that? i give up. let's go inside, make love, and fall asleep till it's time to go to the ballpark. i can't keep up with you. first you say sex is gonna make me a better pitcher -- now no sex is gonna do it?! what's that?! god. i think i'm gonna be sick -- death is like spring training? annie says her panties will keep one side of my brain occupied while i'm on the mound, thus keeping my brain slightly off center, which is where it should be for artists and pitchers. she also said i should throw whatever pitches you call for. annie says there's no such thing as straight and gay. we're all sexual creatures to start with, and we get formed into certain roles. when i'm one and six i'll believe anything. annie also says that god is a woman. you believe that, crash, you think god's a lady? god, these panties feel great. that don't make me queer, right? right. whoo. breaking ball. i ain't queer. i know i ain't. fastball. fastball again? why's he want the heat -- i just threw heat. don't think, meat -- give 'em the gas. god, annie's got a great ass. how come her panties fit me? that's one of the mysteries of sex i guess. i was great, eh? can't you let me enjoy the moment? hey, i'm cruisin', man -- what're you doing out here?! why?! i'm finally throwin' the damn thing where i want to. you're the boss. bear down, meat, don't let up. you own these guys. dad'll love a shutout. no, no -- this guy's looking for heat -- lemme give him the deuce -- you told him i was throwing a deuce, right? y'know, annie, i been thinking if it works for one game, maybe it'll work for a whole buncha games. not that. i mean the re-channeling of my sexual energy. maybe we shouldn't make love for awhile. you know what it feels like to throw a three hitter? we better not fuck. just till i lose. no. i love winning, crash, you hear me? i love it. teach me everything. what do i gotta do? boring. jesus. ". good lord willing, things'll work out." she's getting steamed 'cause i'm still re-channeling my sexual energy -- maybe i should cave in and sleep with her once just to calm her down. what'ya think? no, no, it was great. no, that's okay. all i need's a little nap. you can't seduce me. what's that? i know what it is. fundamentals? crash once called a woman's, uh -- pussy -- y'know how the hair kinda makes a "v" shape? -- well -- he calls it the bermuda triangle. he said a man can get lost in there and never be heard from again. he didn't mean it nasty. he said that gettin' lost and disappearing from the face of the earth was sometimes a good thing to do -- especially like that. oh. no! you're playing with my mind! i knew it -- you're seducing me! i think you're real cute. you're exotic and mysterious and cute -- that's why i better leave. i did. he said if i gave in to you i'd start losing again. i'll be back when we lose. i'm nervous -- my old man's here. hey, guys, i got a game to pitch. i'll take the curse off the son of a bitch! shit. we lost. i'd like you to meet my father. i couldn't dump my old man but maybe later i can sneak away from him. i'm starting to understand what you're teaching me. i mean the panties and the nostrils and all that shit. i mean i'm getting it -- aw hell, let's have a quickie right here -- crash says i gotta quit worrying about him -- c'mon, honey, we got a lotta catching up to do -- yeah, skip, it's me. jeez. jeez. god. jeez. i'm going to the show. they're sending me up to finish out the season with the big club. i'm going to the show! i gotta leave first thing in the morning. how can i possibly thank you? i will, i will -- c'mon, dad, i'll dump you off. i gotta find crash. where does he go? they called me up to the show and i wanta tell crash goodbye. he goes to a whorehouse every night? i'm looking for somebody. looking for crash davis. i'm nuke laloosh. with the bulls. crash. i'm going to the show. club's expanding its roster to finish the season -- i'm going to the show. i'm trying to thank you. settle what? i don't wanta fight you, i wanta thank you. let's have a drink and forget this -- c'mon, we got nothin' to fight about. why am i a fuck? you're a great catcher. no. i'll take you back to the hotel. forget it. you ain't worth thanking -- my right. what? ya look like shit. forget it. no. fear and ignorance. i know. i just like to see you get all worked up. well, i got annie all warmed up for ya. she's just waiting for you to show up, y'know. maybe you do. y'know i'm starting to like this game -- baseball's a helluva good way to make a living. yeah, thanks for everything. you too. meat. i won't be needing these anymore. i think i'm ready for the show. don't worry. i gotta go now, dad. no. if i screw up, i wanta do it alone. i'll call. dad -- if my curveball is hanging, god ain't gonna help me. if it makes you and mom feel better, go for it. i gotta run -- y'know, i'm just happy to be here and hope i can help the ballclub. i just want to give it my best shot and good lord willing, things'll work out. gotta play 'em one day at a time, y'know.