hello! cable guy!
well, look who decided to show up. i was just gonna go collect my retirement pension.
was i? so i'm the tardy one. good to know.
maybe i shouldn't have come at all – jerk off! i'm just joking. let's do this. oh, the old mcnair place. i never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened here.
they had a lot of cats.
hey, this could be a cool pad. here is a comment card.
please mail it in when i am done.
no, they go to me. i'm a perfectioniss… perfectioniss… perfectioniss…t. now let's take a look at what we're dealing with.
come on baby. come on baby. talk to me baby. tell me where you like it. that's it baby.
here's your sweet spot.
so your lady kicked you out.
in preparing your service i noticed you were previously wired across town at 1268 and a half chestnut. last week the billing was transferred to one robin harris. smells like heartbreak to me.
no sweat.
hey, i'm going to go to the hallway so i can access the floorboards. don't be spooked if you hear someone crawling underneath you.
put on your bathing suit 'cause you'll be channel surfing in no time.
guilty, guilty, guilt-freakin-tee. i hope they fry this bastard.
the arrangement of your major appliances and your furniture was causing some noisy pics and hum bars in your reception. i moved a few things. cleared it right up. is that cool?
you programmed? then let me slave your remotes.
ooh, maybe we should leave these two alone.
you know you're pretty good at this. you could be a cable guy yourself. now let me check your levels.
all right. that about does it. i just have some paperwork for you to fill out. sign here.
that gave me power of attorney over you. joking.
i'm about finished here. okay. i feel good about this.
yeah!
you mean illegal cable?
who told you that? i want his name.
you're offering me a bribe? what you have just done is illegal, and in this state if convicted, you could be fined five-thousand dollars or spend six months in a correctional facility.
i'm just jerking your chain. wake up little snoozy. i'll juice you up. all it is is a push of a button.
don't worry about it. i couldn't charge you. your girl just booted you. consider it one guy doing another guy a solid.
hey, you're a 'nice' guy. you'd be surprised how many customers treat you like shit, like i'm a god damn plumber or something. here is my personal beeper number. it's just for my preferred customers. never call the company, they'll just put you on hold.
maybe some day i'll take you out to the satellite and show you how all this stuff works. it's really incredible.
how 'bout tomorrow?
what are you going to do, sit home and stew about your ex?
oh, okay. i guess i crossed the line. sorry.
no? cool. i'll pick you up at six-thirty. on the flip side.
steven!!!! stev-ey!!!! let's go!!!!
steven!!!! hey buddy!!! come on down!!!
howdy partner. climb aboard.
thanks for coming out. you know most people think cable is just a simple co-ax that comes out of the wall. they never take the time to understand how it works.
we're going to take a ride on the information superhighway.
…it all started in lansford, pennsylvania where panther valley television, with the assistance of jerrod electronics, created the first cable television system.
i went to lansford once. it's the cable guy's mecca. it was very emotional.
i come here to think sometimes. to clear my head.
there she is. right now she's sending entertainment and information to millions of satisfied citizens.
see, i knew the moment i met you that you would appreciate this.
the future is now. soon every american home will integrate their television, phone, and computer. you'll be able to visit the louvre on one channel, and watch female mud wrestling on another. you can do your shopping at home, or play mortal kombat with a friend in vietnam. there's no end to the possibilities. come on up! what are you waiting for?!
sometimes i'll sit here and imagine that there are billions of bits of information surging through me.
when i was a kid my mom worked nights. never met dad. but the old tv was always there for me.
that's tough. you must have a lot of abandonment issues. reality isn't "father knows best," it's a kick in the face on saturday night. but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
so?
so, you're pretty love struck about your lady, huh?
i hate that.
women are a labyrinth. can i be frank? i don't think you listen to her. i think you try to tell her what she wants to hear. she wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is. all the complicated splendor that is woman. when your love is truly giving, it will come back to you ten-fold.
yeah, it was jerry springer's final thought on friday's show.
you know what? women are suckers for "sleepless in seattle." it's on hbo this month. that's your bait right there.
they all do. next time you talk to her tell her you're cooking yourself dinner, and watching it by yourself. sound like you're happier than a pig in shit. she'll come running. betcha. then just play it cool.
you really want to know my name? you do? really? it's ernie douglas. but my friends call me chip.
let's just remember right now. you know some people walk through their entire lives and never find a true friend. i guess we're the lucky ones.
later buddy. i'll catch ya' on the flip side.
hey, you guys play here, too? cool. i was just in the neighborhood. thought i'd run the court for a couple of innings.
we met about a week ago during a routine installation, but i feel like i've known him my whole life.
no, i want to be on steven's team. i'm skins.
wait a sec'. i've got to warm up.
let's get it on!
feed me under the boards and you'll find out.
traveling! that's traveling!
all right, so we're playing that type of game. prison rules. i get it.
feed me the rock! feed me the rock! i'm open!
and one! that's definitely a foul! you want to mug me, my wallet is in my other pants.
don't play from fear steven. we can take these guys.
take it to the hole!
hey, are you okay?
let's switch. i'll cover rick.
good game. you were tough out there. your play brought me up to a higher level. i mean that.
it was payback time. i was protecting you.
i don't appreciate your tone steven. that's not the way friends speak to each other.
well let's fix that. let me buy you a heineken?
well, uh, i guess we'll talk later. i've got to go shower up and do some stuff. i'll call you if i get a chance. or you call me… or something.
and down low.
too slow. have a good one.
…we're having ourselves quite a little game of phone tag here. you're it! …i was just blow drying my hair and i thought i heard the phone ringing. …you're a tough man to reach. i guess you're too busy to call your friends.
is there a problem with your service?
really?
so you called me. interesting how you call when you need something. is that how you treat people?
but calling me back isn't?
why should i help you? i gave you free cable. what have you ever done for me?
tomorrow night, we hang out.
god bless you. you're too good to me.
all set.
that's for effect. see ya' tomorrow steven. she's pretty. and don't kiss her. don't even touch her. fight the urge at all costs. it will pay off later with…
enjoy the flick.
sorry about yesterday. i was in kind of a weird mood. how'd things go with you? keep 'em closed.
don't peek. i want this to be a surprise.
only the best restaurant in town.
okay, here we are. open sesame.
i know what you're thinking. don't worry, i'm buying.
i love this place. i come here twice a week.
oh man, that's my look. i love big butts. ow, that hurts.
there oughta be a law. man she is hot. it's just not fair.
you know what i need right now? pooooon tang. and i'm not talking about the place in vietnam.
dost thou have a mug of ale for me and me mate? he has been pitched in battle for a fortnight an has a king's thirst for the beer thust thou might have for thust.
there you go.
steven, don't turn around, but there is a woman eyeing you like you are a piece of meat and she hasn't eaten in a week.
shoe's a hottie. i wish she was checking me out. man -- she is on fire! total robo-babe.
don't look.
okay, but play it cool. just turn like you are looking for the waitress.
ha-ha. i'm just messing with your mind. but you fell for it man. you are one horny indian chief.
so what did you want to rap about?
hold that thought. show's on.
let the games begin! the red knight rules! blue knight! you're going down! going down!
spill his blood! take his kead! show no mercy!
come on, get into it, we won!
so, what were you saying before?
that's why i became a cable guy. to make friends like you. every time i walk up to a new door, that door is a possibility for friendship. when i walked in your apartment i knew there was something there. i just knew it.
we're going to do battle. it'll be fun.
no, but i give all the knights free cable. they said it would be cool if we just went at it for a little while.
that's what the armor's for.
i cannot listen to any of your instructions for you are my sworn enemy, and are about to meet your demise.
i'm trying to kill you.
this is just like when spock had to fight kirk on 'star trek.' best friends forced to do battle.
that's the spirit. let's give 'em a good show.
so that's how it's gonna be, huh? all right. if you want to play rought, daddy can play rough.
the name is spock. if we don't battle to the death, they'll kill us both. good-bye jim.
jim, we have no choice!
well done good sir. you are the victor, but we shall meet again.
you've got a real warrior's instinct.
if robin saw you tonight, she would be begging you to take her back. i'm telling you these knights get laid all the time.
easy there lancelot.
nobody loves ya. hey, i think i left my staple gun in the living room the other day. could you be a pal?
what do you think?
i took the liberty of updating your in home entertainment system. i got you the big screen, plus thx quality sound that would make george lucas cream in his pants.
how else was i supposed to get the stuff in here? magic?
practically nothing. i have a connection. preferred customer. i hook him up, he hooks me up.
yes but you give me something so much more valuable… friendship.
well, my buddy with the pick-up truck works all week. is it all right if i leave it here till saturday?
mm-hmm. staple gun?
well tonight's not looking too good. how about tomorrow?
i knew i'd get you on the phone that way. listen, that equipment will be history the day after tomorrow. it sure would be a pity to leave that karaoke machine a virgin.
tomorrow night, you are having a karaoke jam. no ifs ands or buts. well maybe a few butts. later gator.
this is just a sign that you need to live a little. she's having fun, and you should too.
damn right i'm right.
i thought you said we were even. you're breaking the rules.
words cannot express…
yes it is.
now i'm on a mission. this has got to be the best party ever! let's rock.
these people are acquaintances. they're not ride to the airport friends, like us. whoa, chick alert at three o'clock. a real barn burner. don't look.
no sirree steven. this woman is all over you like a lamp-shade.
did it just get hotter in here? oh, that hurts.
i don't know, but she looks pretty available to me. i'd strike while the iron is hot. he who hesitates, masturbates, know what i'm saying?
i'm glad you accepted my invitation.
look at him. have you ever seen him so alive? he's changing, rick. you've got to learn to live with that.
oooh. how dramatic.
hello everyone. first of all i'd like to thank steven for being such a terific host.
don't forget to kick in some spinach for the beer. steven ain't made of money. and i expect some of you to join in the clean up crew.
no… i really couldn't.
okay, just to stop that guy from begging. this number is dedicated to all of the ladies in the house.
good morning sleepy head. i hope you don't mind, i crashed on the couch. bacon and eggs coming up.
i heard her slip out early this morning.
you look like a new man.
hey, it was my treat.
you know, i bought this time, you buy next time.
you know, the women.
of course she is. do you think a woman like that would hang out with us if we weren't paying? don't tell me you didn't know.
she's clean i assure you. i tried her out last week to make sure she was top quality, and i'm as healthy as a horse. not a drip. she's the best, ask any of my friends.
i wish i had friends like that.
don't be ashamed of yourself. i know she was a working girl, but she kind of liked you. you might have been able to get a freebie.
i'll tell you how to handle that. don't tell her. you want to get her back, i'll help you get her back.
whatever. i can take a hint. i'll see ya'.
no, i'm meeting someone here.
you've been working hard. take a break.
my pleasure.
enjoy your meal
good evening sir. pleasant night, isn't it?
but i guess the weather's always pleasant in here. the winters are remarkably mild.
if you need anything, just let me know. anything at all.
i'm here to serve you.
most people never bother to take advantage of all my services, for instance –
i can help you wash up. cleanliness is so very important.
then once you're done i have a variety of skin care products which can make you look years younger.
this lotion is superb at removing liver spots.
this one is an excellent moisturizer.
and one can never underestimate the effects of a good cologne.
mm… high karate. and now a touch of powder.
ooh, i almost forget, it's oh so very important to be properly tweezed.
you're on a big date, you'll need fresh breath.
whoops, that's not mouth wash. but that reminds me. proper hair care is a must.
looking good, now let's dry you off.
now suck it. suck the air!
from this angle you look just like neil armstrong experiencing g-force. i believe you have the "right stuff."
don't worry about the tip. but i've got one for you. stay away from robin. she's taken.
excuse me, apartment 202 is robin harris?
it's the cable guy.
i've got an upgrade order for one robin harris. the rainbow package, that's every pay channel available.
apparently you've got a secret admirer.
i can't tell you.
no, i promised steven i wouldn't say.
whoops, i slipped. well you didn't hear it from me.
i'm sorry steven. i'm just a man.
that about does it. enjoy.
i'm proud to say i am. i installed his cable recently, and we just hit it off.
not really. that man is devoted to you. you know i'm probably crossing a boundary telling you this, but he's really crazy about you.
only every five minutes. quite frankly, i'm sick of hearing it. no, i'm just kidding with you. he's a good man. he mentioned that you guys have had some problems.
it always is. you know i asked a woman to marry me once. she said she wanted to think about it. we agreed to take some time apart to re-assess our feelings. to give each other… space. well, she is no longer with us.
sometimes you don't have the time you think you have. just promise me you'll never go bungee jumping in mexico.
anyway, i've got to go.
pretty smooth work. i set 'em up, you knock 'em down.
robin. i got her back for you. i juiced her up.
free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
i know. i felt bad about the other night, so i wanted to make it up to you. so what are you doing? do you want to catch a bite?
i appreciate your honesty. you're a real straight shooter.
hey, i'm a big boy. it's no big deal. whatever.
have a good one.
hey, it's chip douglas.
your cable guy.
i feel kind of weird calling you. it's just… i'm worried about steven.
something isn't right. he hasn't been himself lately. have you noticed anything?
good.
nope. i'm probably just being a nervous nellie. let's just keep our eyes open.
…you're getting thx quality sound that would make george lucas cream in his pants – cream in his pants.
hello steven. i came as soon as i heard.
so many questions.
i didn't do this to you, you did this to you. you need to learn who your friends are.
i taught you a lesson. i can be your best friend, or your worst enemy. i hope you'll choose the latter… i mean, the former. you know what i mean.
right now i think you're the one who needs help. i'm here to give you comfort.
come on, touch it.
come on. you need human contact. touch it.
i know how you're feeling right now.
i'm here for you.
i was just messing with your mind. that was from 'midnight express.' awesome film. oliver stone won the academy award for the screenplay.
don't you worry about robin, i'll make sure she's well taken care of.
louis, how'd you like that tyson fight on pay per view? i told you it's more fun when it's free per view.
sea shells. sea shells. salmon. salmon. silverware. silverware. suspicious. suspicious. sensational. sensational.
hello. i'm sorry we have to meet under these circumstances.
i know we don't know each other very well, but we do have one thing in common, our concern for steven.
if he refuses to admit he has a problem, we may have to let him hit bottom. he's gonna need some tough love.
did he do a name search? 'cause i work under a pseudonym so the customers won't harass me at home. kind of like a stripper. my real name is larry, larry tate.
(i know, and i'm not mad. he's been cornered, so he's telling some wives tales. he doesn't mean to hurt me.
hey, welcome to the human race. we're not perfect. we all think we have to look like a 'baywatch' babe and be as witty as 'seinfeld.' give yourself a break.
comfort food. bring it on.
you've got a great laugh. can i make a small request? i'd like to hear it a little more often.
you can only come in if you came to rage.
is this guy cool? i'm just joshing. come on in.
and you are a vision. hello steven. you're looking rested.
steven, what's with you tonight? i'm getting some really weird energy from you.
you can if you like, but i'd hate to have to show robin this.
come on steven, let's just have a good time tonight.
so steven is carrying this battle ax, and he's chasing me, swinging like a mad man. i'm yelling at him, 'hey, it's just a show!'
tell me something i don't know. this guy almost took my head off.
it's from "goodfellas." remember the intro scene at the bar. i'm johnny two times.
you'll never catch me copper.
i'm gonna wear a disguise.
oh, you got me.
aaah!!! nobody messes with me and lives!
oh man, you should have seen your face. it was classic.
look what you've done.
i guess i did what you didn't have the guts to do.
don't mess with me. i'm feeling like a part of the family, and i like it. you should try it sometime.
are you guys trying to fatten me up? 'cause if you are, you're doing a damn good job of it.
you guys have never played "porno password?"
it's the adult version of the popular television game show. robin you're on my team. steven, you're with mom. you're the audience.
the password is… vagina.
pe-nis. pe-nis. pe-nis.
peeee-nis. peeee-nis.
yes!
the password is… nipple.
hard… hard…
i wish you did, 'cause we'd be ahead.
the password is… i'm not sure how to pronounce this, it's either clitoris, or clit-oris.
i'm sorry everyone. if i am a nuisance, i will leave. i would never stay where i am not wanted.
i'll just go.
steven, what's with you tonight? robin showed me that birthmark on her left shoulder. it's very sexy.
i'm fine. thank you for a delightful evening. i forgive you.
oh no. it's not over. it's just gettin' started.
this man killed his own brother. some people don't even have a brother.
do they steven? are you listening to me? don't shut it off. don't shut it --
you owe me!
i just want to hang out. no big deal.
steven, you're just like me. we're cut from the same cloth. we're one and the same!
it didn't have to come to this steven. we could have been blood brothers.
do you feel good now that you've hurt me? well now i'm going to have to hurt you. i'm going to take away what you hold dearest in the world.
could you hold on a second, i've got call waiting. it'll just be a sec.
sorry about that. where was i? oh yeah. you're going to feel my wrath.
i wish there was. oh steven, i'm just so tired. so very tired.
i'm close. so very close.
you know, i don't think you're right for robin. she needs someone who can be sensitive to her needs. someone who understands her soul.
aren't we the control freak. looks like you're starting to sweat.
oh yeah? then why are you picking your face?
you're getting closer.
pity, such a nice cd rack. you know sometimes the answer is right under your nose.
really? tell me more.
i'm very interested in learning everything i can about that wacked out cable installer.
it sounds like he might hurt somebody.
nosey friends for two hundred. this supposed pal of steven's is currently residing in the intensive care unit of good samaritan hospital.
i'm sorry, you didn't answer in the form of a question.
poor rick. seems he had a little accident with the business end of a staple gun.
the question is, are you going to get away with it? apparently there was an anonymous tip placed to the police leading them to a staple gun at the crime scene with your fingerprints all over it.
be right there.
i've got to go. we're going to take a romantic stroll on the information superhighway.
it all started in lansford, pennsylvania where panther valley television, with the assistance of jerrod electronics, created the first cable television system.
the future is now. soon every american home will integrate their television, phone, and computer. you'll be able to visit the louvre on one channel, and watch female mud wrestling on another. you can do your shopping at home, or play a game of mortal kombat with a friend in vietnam.
i knew you'd appreciate it. i took steven here once, and he didn't give a rats ass about my interests.
maybe steven should be worried about you. so, where was i?
ichabod crane! the disney channel showed it all last month.
let's get ready to ruuuuuummmmbbble!!!!
this isn't about robin, this is about you and me.
i'm sorry, i didn't catch the question?
steven you've changed. i like it.
i think it's time to make you cable ready.
last time we fought i let you win! best two out of three!
you treat me like the tv! you use me, but you can't live without me!
you can't shut me off with your remote control!!!! i'm not like robin and rick and mommy and daddy and brother and sister and cousin --
yeah steven. look out!
i've missed you.
"dry land is not a myth, i've seen it." kevin costner from waterworld. i don't know what the fuss was about, the movie ruled, i saw it six times.
isn't it weird that we'vve wound up in this position?
who would have thunk it?
you're gonna have to do better than that steven. steven. hey, my lisp is gone.
you stupid son of a bitch.
i know what your saying. who does this guy think he is, jason?
i saw that in trapeze, starring tony curtis. he was just on "life-styles of the rich and famous." he still looks terrific.
and the race is on.
this is such an anti-climactic way to end this.
what just happened? where am i? oh yeah, i was trying to kill you.
it's a sleeper hold. hulk hogan used it on sly stallone in "rocky three." he should wake up in thirty seconds, so let's get going.
it didn't have to be this way steven. i'm just trying to show you the kind of things that can happen when you mistreat people.
you know this is just like that secen in that clint eastwood movie "dirty harry" --
if this is reality.  . i am outta here.
yeah, but i get really lonely. i mean, look at me.
steven, i think i sat too close to the television. mommy was right.
it's too late for me, but there's a lot of little cable boys out there who still have a chance. say good-bye to the baby- sitter.
damn, that hurt like a mother. what the hell was i thinking? oh man, that stings.
a little help here!
am i really your buddy?