and the king of pop when you're nor.
always before i get to speak! i swear - the next con i attend and they ask me to be on the minority panel, if i see your name anywhere near the list, i'm passing.
i just wish i was the one who gets to shoot you.
oh. you trace! banky seethes.
lose the dick or change your skin tone and we can get to know each other on panel after panel while the pink black panther here plays chuck d. for the fanboys.
is he always like that!
please. how bad could it have been!
and your parochial school misadventures!
aren't you the sharp wit!
you play darts!
so your new book seems to be selling like mad.
uh-oh - the cry from the heart of a real artist trapped in commercial hell - pitying his good fortune. i'm sure you can dry your eyes on all those fat checks you rake in.
nope. i'm happy my stuff gets read at all. there's very little market for hearts and flowers in this spandex- clad, big pecs, big tits, big guns field. if i sell two issues, i feel like john grisham.
bubbly guy like that, it's hard to figure out why.
that's not love.
that out there! that's fleeting.
uh-huh. you wanna hear about love! oh, i'll tell you about love.
the story. the original love story.
nope. my mother's uncle. he was a millionaire.
i kid you not.
all through high school, he dated this one girl. they were inseparable. and when they graduated, she went off to carnegie mellon.
i'm impressed. so he stays in the home town, and they begin their long- distance relationship. the plan is, on the third sunday of every month, he'll train out, spend a week then train back they do this for four years.
not nearly finished. two months before she's going to graduate, he's got this job digging graves, and he comes across.
a steamer trunk containing silver ingots.
many, many silver ingots. now, my mother's uncle being quite the ingenious chap - he buries the trunk again and heads up to the main office, where he proceeds to purchase a cemetery plot. guess which one?
so now he owns the plot and all of its contents. two days later, my mother's uncle is worth three million.
not even close. inside the steamer trunk, stenciled into the wood, or something like that, is a curse.
not that kind of curse. a cryptic curse "great fortune means great loss" it said.
the same kind of asshole that buries silver ingots. the day my mother's uncle is heading out to see the girl, he stops at his accountant's to grab some cash, and winds up missing his train. so he has to take the next one - which he does - and he gets there an hour later than his usual time of arrival, whereupon he sees lights.
it seems that while she was standing on the platform waiting that extra hour for my mother's uncle to show up, the girl was dragged into the bushes by an unknown assailant, raped and gutted.
the assailant was never apprehended.
yes, and here's why: my mother's uncle rode that train every day for the rest of his life. one day up, the next day back. did that 'till the day he died. he donated the fortune he'd acquired to the train station in pittsburgh, to have a well-lit terminal built. the train line let him ride for free after that.
that's my love story.
i told you it wasn't love. i gotta split. it was really nice meeting you. i wish you the best of luck with your book. tell hooper i'll call him later. and tell your friend to calm down.
well, well, well - bluntman himself. or should i call you chronic!
from a former home-town girl, to mister home-town himself.
middletown, n.j.
i know. hooper told me.
you graduate from hudson?
i went to north. also eighty eight.
quiz me.
i wrote my name on the wall.
lost my virginity there.
eden prairie of menlo park!
my best friend fucked a dead guy in the back room.
i did. before she was committed.
no, this is the 'rog'.
pretty slim. i haven't been back to the 'burbs since my friend's funeral.
another friend - julie dwyer. she died in the.
so well.
but i can tap. that was the buffalo two-step.
that's what six years of tap lessons yields.
coulda been worse - we could have not met at all.
she is such a twat.
alright. i should dedicate this, right? this is for that special someone our there.
uh-oh - better knock it off: we're getting a man excited.
no, i should apologize. i don't usually get all mushy in public. but it's been awhile since i've seen kim here.
like i'd have to go through that much effort
go ahead. i'll watch from here.
don't be such a rag. i have to sit here and work up the desire to fuck you later.
yes?
and?
it's okay. secretly, all i really want is to be the center of attention. i've never used a snap-on.
let me ask you a question - can men 'fuck' each other!
in your estimation.
so for you, to 'fuck' means to penetrate. you're used to the more traditional definition - you inside some girl you've duped, jack-hammering away, not noticing that bored look in her eyes.
'fucking' is nor limited to penetration, banky. for me it describes any sex when it's not totally about love. i don't love kim, but i'll fuck her. i'm sure you don't love every girl you sleep with.
but i'll bet it's different with the ones you love. i'll bet you go the full nine when it's not just a quick fix - like you go down on them longer or something.
what?!?!
if you say the smell, so help me, i'll slug you.
at least you blame yourself for your sexual inadequacies.
no, he's got a point. that's how i was in high school - i was nervous, and inhibited about being eaten out. but by the time i got to college, that all changed. i loosened up. not only did i learn to communicate - i learned to be bossy. i was like one of those guys at the airport with those big flash lights - waving them this way, directing them that way, telling them when to stop.
permanent injuries?
i got that beat. i got that beat. sophomore year. i'm going down on cynthia slater in her dorm room after we went club-hopping. i'm totally drunk, and in the middle of it, i fall asleep - right there in her lap. she got so mad, she digs her heel into my back, right there. that's permanent.
senior year. spring formal. i'm eating our missy kurt in her brother's car. she's laying across the back seat, and i'm half-hanging out of the car, my knees on the ground. she's flailing around, and she knocks the parking brake off. the car starts rolling down the hill, and my right knee is cut up all to shit like a kiddy's scissor class cut it up for paper dolls.
somebody told me that they make comic books here, and i've got an idea for this story about a guy who comes to a club and high-tails it when he finds out this girl is pay. any interest in a story like that!
m-tv?
that's great, isn't it?
but you don't.
well when are you going to do that?
do you know how pretty you are?
you're a pretty man.
oh. i get it. i'm into girls, so i have to find all men repulsive or something.
aren't there some men that you find attractive? granted, not enough to sleep with, but still - just handsome or something!
well it's the same thing. i look at you and just find you really handsome. and you know, it has very little to do with your look, per-se. your look is fine, don't get me wrong. but it's more your outlook. the things you say, the way you see things. it's.  i don't know.  attractive,
i weirded you our the other night
come on.
do you want to talk about it!
i like you. i haven't liked a man in a long time. and i'm not a man-hater or something. it's just been some time since i've been exposed to a man that didn't immediately live-into a stereotype of some sort. and i want you to feel comfortable with me, because i want us to be friends. so if there are things you'd like to know, it's okay to ask me.
why men?
if that's the only reason you're attracted to women - because it's the standard.
so you've never been curious about men?
you know what i mean.
why not!
because?
and that's how i feel. i've never really been attracted to men. i'm more comfortable with the idea of girls.
no.
you're saying a person's a virgin until they've had intercourse with a member of the opposite sex?
again with the standards. i think virginity is lost when you make love for the first time.
why? why only then?
so if a virgin is raped, then she's still a virgin?
but rape is not the standard. so she's had sex, but not the standard idea of sex. hence, according to your definition, she'd still be a virgin.
then i lost my virginity at ten, because i fell on a fence post when i was ten, and it broke my hymen. now i have to tell people that i lost it to a wooden post i'd known my whole young life?
physical penetration or emotional?
well, i fell in love hard with caitlin bree when we were in high school.
we had sex.
i move to have that remark stricken from the record. on account of it makes you come off as completely naive and infantile.
did i hold up a finger?
our bodies are built to pass a child, for christ's sake.
sure. but in a good way. and it's only a once-in-awhile thing - reserved for really special occasions.
tongue only.
let's go.
come on.
i hope for the sake of the women you've dated that you're only this quick in returning calls.
ohhh. why!
shit.
my sister's at my parents'. i was gonna go see her.
yeah. but i was staying all weekend, and i wanted to hang our with you. this sucks.
i don't do southern con's - all the chicks have that annoying drawl. you know how hard it is nor to laugh when someone moans "fuhhk me"?
really?
if you come pick me up, i'll be your best friend.
i'm not there. i'm at a friend's - in the village. corner of houston and mercer. number eighty six, apartment
you're so easy.
don't mind her. that's just her way a saying hello.
you're such an asshole.
ohhh - you look so cute!
just an occasional friend.
remember this! her's is even bigger than that.
you were raised catholic, right?
baptist.
please there was no time to be bad - we were too busy saying 'jesus'.
somewhere along the line. it's a gradual transition to make - from doing what the majority does to taking a leap of faith and doing what feels more natural. everything helps - from the way you were handled as a kid, to the way the boys acted in third grade, to the shoes you wore at your freshman prom.
well they were really tight.
i read somewhere that guys who play hockey are merely making up for penile deficiencies by carrying big sticks.
explain this again.
stayed out late, smoked pot, screwed around.
this looks complicated.
what do you do with the prize tickets?
then what's the point?
and you question my lifestyle.
why not just walk up there and put it in the fifty every time?
oh, this is a skill? i'm sorry, i had no idea.
this is where you take straight chicks on dates?
i don't know. i'm starting to get a tingle in my bottom. ten.
got laid
some more of that skill you were telling me about?
no way. i want a cheap prize. so your friend's quite the homophobe.
i'm not talking about his infantile hang-up with me. i'm talking about when you two were playing that game. everytime he swore - when his players messed up, he called them cocksuckers, he referred to the players as queers, he called you a cock-teaser.
i know you think it means nothing, and it may in fact be unintentional, but it's ugly all the same.
so he slams the gay community?
i'm not. but what is that saying?
it's passive. agressive gay-bashing.
how casually did it roll off his tongue? and that's how he expresses his anger? by calling people faggots?
i think you're just so used to it that it rolls off your back. i've heard the two of you play your little rank out game where one insists the other is gay. "you're a faggot. no, you're a faggot." it's cute and all to watch you go at it like grade-schooler, but it's also offensive - labeling and ducking the label of being gay as if it were the scarlet fucking letter.
yeah, but that's what's known as empowerment. disempowerment. i call myself a dyke so it's not too devastating when some throwback screams it at me as i'm leaving a bar at night. same for hooper - by calling himself a faggot, he steals the thunder away from the mouthy jerks of this world who'd like to beat him to it. but the difference between us having it and your friend saying it is miles wide. we say it to mask the pain - you say it for lack of a better expression at any given moment. no holden, we do not live in a more tolerant age. and if you think that's the case, then you've been in the suburbs way too long to be resuscitated.
but you know what? i have more faith in you than that. come on - i want my cheap prize.
oh really?
we're leaving!
i've got a little business to conduct.
are you an authorized deal-maker in this establishment? do you have the power to negotiate.
i want to haggle over the price of fine art.
there. by the kitchen. that painting.
the price tag says seventy five.
i'll give you fifty.
alyssa jones. pleased to meet you.
i'm only trying to conduct a transaction. we're not opponents.
ah-ha! now we're haggling.
it was looking shakey when he told me the artist was a blind cripple with a hump-back, but i held my ground. there's no room for sympathy in the buyer's market.
i'm not. you are.
you're going to hang it in your house. i bought it for you.
i'm serious.
because it's captured the moment. it'll be a constant reminder - not just of tonight, but of our introduction, the building of our friendship, everything. make no mistake about it my friend - it's a gift to you, from me, so you'll always remember us.
why are we stopping?
can't take what?
you love me.
get back in the car and get out of here.
y'ep.
here's my comment fuck you.
that was so unfair. you know how unfair that was.
no, it's unfortunate that you're in love with me. it's unfair that you felt the fucking need to unburden your soul about it. do you remember for a fucking second who i am?
oh, it's that simple? you fall in love with me and want a romantic relationship, nothing changes for you with the exception of feeling hunky- dorey all the time. but what about- me? it's not that simple, is it? i can't just get into a relationship with you without throwing my whole fucking world into upheaval!
period of adjustment?!?
go home, holden.
i take it that's not good.
and miss these last minute cram sessions with my nearest and dearest? never.
'shacking up!' please. i'm so in love!
i know. i know -i feel like such a goon. but i can't help it - we have such a great time together.
it's not her. it's someone you guys don't know.
they're not. from around here.
for your information, they don't have big hair or wear acid wash. they're from my home town.
what? what are you talking about? i'm not even.
holden.
he's not like a typical man. he's really sweet to me, and we relate so well. you guys'd love him, really.
don't even tell me you want to do it again.
because you were giving me that look, and i got wet.
why not you?
i see you've been taking notes. historically, yes that's true.
i've given that a lot of thought, you know? i mean, now that i'm being ostracized by my friends, i've had a lot of time to think about all of this. and what i've come up with is really simple: i came to this on my terms. i didn't just heed what i was taught, you know? men and women should be together, it's the natural way - that kind of thing. i'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. the way the world is - how seldom you meet that one person who gets you.  it's so rare. my parents didn't really have it. there was no example set for me in the world of male. female relation ships. and to cut oneself off from finding that person - to immediately half your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender.  that just seemed stupid. so i didn't. and by leaving my options open, i was branded 'gay', which to me was no big deal - labels are labels, you know? they define what you do, not who you are, i guess. but then you come along. you - the one least likely; i mean, you were a guy.
and while i was falling for you, i put a ceiling on that, because you were a guy. until i remembered why i opened the door to women in the first place - to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd compliment me so completely. and so here we are, i was thorough when i looked for you, and i feel justified lying in your arms - because i got here on my terms, and have no question that there was someplace i didn't look. and that makes all the difference.
what?
what luster?
you're not the right man. you're just the one.
since most of these people are rooting for the home team, i'm going to cheer for the visitors. i'm a big visitors fan - especially the kind that make coffee for you in the morning before they go. that was a joke. a little wacky wordplay?
was i being too obscure? the kind that - until recently - had no dicks and would spend the night.
oh, yeah. hey - foul! foul! he was traveling or something!
something on your mind, holden?
if i've been 'faithful' or something?
oh, sweetie. i only have eyes for you. call that fucking shit, ref!! the guy
about what?
really. i'm sorry - you two left high school behind how many years ago? can i put some of my books in your locker?
'finger cuffs'?
it was? shit, damned if i can remember. i'd look it up, but i threw all that shit our years ago? where'd you see a north yearbook?
rick? sure. we used to hang out in high school. punch him in the fucking neck, number twelve!!
date rick derris? no. we just hung out a lot.
no. me, rick, and.  um.  what was that guy's name?
yeah! cohee lundin. god, i haven't thought about that name in years.
i remember those guys'd come over almost everyday after school. they'd bug my sisters, look for porno tapes in my dad's closet, raid our fridge. they really took advantage of my parents never being home.
this one day.  rick pulled out his dick and chased me around the house with it! right in front of cohee! i couldn't believe it! guys are weird - i thought the whole size hang-up made you all terrified to show your dicks to each other?
i blew him while cohee fucked me.
that's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? isn't that what this little cross- examination of your's is about? well try not to be so obvious about it next time, there are subtler ways of badgering a witness. am i right?
if you wanted some background information on me, all you had to do was ask - i'd have gladly volunteered it. you didn't have to play hercules fucking poirot!
yes holden! in fact, everything you heard or dug up on me was probably true! yeah, i took on two guys at once! you want to hear some gems you might not have unearthed - i took a twenty six year old guy to my senior prom, and then left halfway through to have sex with him and gwen turner in the back of a limo! and the girl who got caught in the shower with miss moffit, the gym teacher? that was me! or how about in college, when i let shannon hamilton videotape us having sex - only to find out the next day that he broadcast it on the campus cable station?! they're all true - those and so many more! didn't you know? i'm the queen of urban legend!
easily! some of it i did out of stupidity, some of it i did out of what i thought was love, but - good or bad - they were my choices, and i'm not making apologies for them now - not to you or anyone! and how dare you try to lay a guilt trip on me about it - in public, no less! who the fuck do you think you are, you judgemental prick?!
how are you supposed to feel about it? feel what ever the fuck you want about it! the only thing that really matters is how you feel about me.
why? because i had some sex?
yes, holden - that's all it was: some sex! most of it stupid high school sex, for christ's sake! like you never had sex in high school!
i used them! you don't think i would've let it happen if i hadn't wanted it to, do you?! i was an experimental girl, for christ's sake! maybe you knew early on that your track was from point 'a' to 'b' - but unlike you i wasn't given a fucking map at birth, so i tried it all! that is until we - that's you and i - got together, and suddenly, i was sated. can't you take some fucking comfort in that? you turned out to be all i was ever looking for - the missing piece in the big fucking puzzle! look i'm sorry i let you believe that you were the only guy i'd ever been with. i should've been more honest. but it seemed to make you feel special in a way that me telling you over and over again how incredible you are would never get across.
do you mean to tell me that - while you have zero problem with me sleeping with half the women in new york city - you have some sort of half-assed, mealy-mouthed objection to pubescent antics, that took place almost ten years ago? what the fuck is your problem?!?
and what's that?
fuck you.
that doesn't matter to me.
don't.
please don't say it.
no.
you did? what does that say about me?
you don't want this. you really don't want this. trust me.
i can't.
oh holden. that time is over for me. i've been there. i've done it. and i didn't find what i was looking for in any of it. i found that in you - in us. doing this won't help you forget about the things you're hung up on. it'll create more.
no, it will. maybe you'll see me differently from then on - maybe you'll despise me for going along with it, once you're in the moment. maybe i'll moan differently and then you'll resent banky, and become suspicious of us. or you'll alienate him because of it, and then grow to blame and hate me for the deterioration of your friendship. or what if- i sincerely doubt it, but what if - i saw something in banky that i never saw before, and fell in love with him and left you. i've been down roads like this before; many times. i know you feel doing this will broaden your horizons and give you experience. but i've had those experiences on my own. i can't accompany you on your's. i'm past that now. or maybe i just love you too much. and i feel hurt and let down that you'd want to share me with anyone. because i never wanted to share you regardless i can't be a part of this. or you. not anymore i love you. i always will. know that.
but i'm not your fucking whore.
he's your's again.
thanks for reading it.
i'm fine, thanks,
okay, who's next!
um.  this isn't one of mine.
hi.
how've you been?
good new issue's selling like crazy, for some reason.
thank you. i haven't even seen this yet. did it just come out?
will i enjoy it?
looks like a very personal story.
yeah. i mean, it can get ugly. i just saw this nun in line call this small child a cunt-rag.
i will.
okay.
really nice to see you too.
hmm! oh. just some guy i knew.
next so what do you want to do tonight?