felt like this fucking day would never come. issue two - on the shelf.
don't start, alright! this is a cool moment, and i'd appreciate you not trying to ruin it. how often does a guy get the opportunity to purchase something with his name on it! banky edwards- right! holden mcneil.
c'mon, sour puss. we got the rest of our lives to be artists. but it's supply and demand. and right now, the unwashed masses demand this.
i'll tell you who we're better than: these two fags right here. they approach the counter, where steve-dave, the store manager, and walt the fan-boy, play a card game.
alright old-maid's - take a break from the crazy-8's marathon and ring us up.
you guys operate the smallest, ladies' bridge circle i've ever seen.
i don't think they're fans.
i ink it and i'm also the colorist. the guy next to me draws it. but we both came up with the characters,
well. it means that holden draws the pictures in pencil, and then he gives it to me to go over in ink
it's not tracing. i add depth and shading to give the image mere definition. only then does the drawing really take shape.
not really. next! a little kid steps up but the collector lingers.
it's not tracing.
do you want lour book signed or what?
i'm secure with what i do.
how should i sign this?
your mother's a tracer!!
he started it! fucking cock-knocker! he's lucky i didn't put my pen through his thorax!
what's a nubian?
intergalactic civil war!
well isn't that true! hooper explodes, he pulls a nine millimeter from his belt, draws on banky and fires. banky goes down, falling forward into the crowd the crowd screams and starts to scatter, hooper jumps over the table and raises his fists in the air.
well what about you! you didn't tell me you were going to scream black rage'. i nearly pissed myself.
wrong coast.
faggot.
hey, hey! i'll play your victim, but not your catcher.
i've read your book. it's cute. chick stuff, but cute. holden hits him.
what?
we're gonna take off soon.
we'll go.
archie, alright! archie and the riverdale gang were a pure and fun- lovin' bunch. you can't find dysfunction in those comics, because they were just flat out wholesome.
shut the fuck up.
man, i feel a hate-crime coming on
because he wanted them both at the same time, you assholes! he never chose one because he was trying to get both of them into a three-way!
eat it. urkel.
that's it. you.
you are marching back across the street with me, and we're going to pick up a shit load of archie books, i am going to prove to you - beyond the shadow of a doubt that archie was all about pussy. come on.
you're insane. archie is not fucking mister weatherbee!
he's just offering to help archie with his homework!
fuck this. let's go. traffic. holden!
let's go.
what the! son of a bitch!
this is one of the best street lights you've ever drawn.
looks just like it.
get a pizza. watch 'degrassi junior high'.
i've got a weird thing for girls who say 'aboot'.
who was that?
when's that faggot going to learn - you like chicks.
so when we leaving?
and?
like i care about your shit. maybe i'll hook up myself.
how does one man get to be so funny!
like that'll happen.
oh, you had a moment!
alright - bring on the free hootch.
hey, i befriended a guy in a position of authority so i could abuse that authority and get free shit. you want to do the same? there's a lonely hindu works at the'7-ll' across the street. get in tight with him.
wanna be friends!
taking a piss. guy's got a bladder like an infant.
must his mother tell him everything!
what'd you do - fall in love?
she ain't no denny terrio, i'll say that.
there're a lot of chicks in this place.
he didn't really say that about my dick, did he!
this is so queer.
now that, my friend, is a.  . shared moment
what?!
man, when are we ever going to get a chance to see this kind of shit live without paying for it?
oh, and you're an old hand at this.
you said 'fuck'. to that girl. you said you'd 'fuck' her.
how can a girl 'fuck' another girl! were you talking about strap-ons or something?
what!!? it's a valid question. you know the dyke stuff in the penthouse letters section is written by guys - this is our chance to get the inside scoop.
then what's with saying 'fuck? shouldn't you say 'eat her out' or at least modify the term 'fuck' with something like 'fist'?
ask hooper.
sure.
hey - i always notice the bored look in their eyes.
some of them i downright loathe.
i don't do that.
i stopped dropping. it got to be too frustrating.
what?! i lost my tolerance for the bullshit baggage that comes with eating girls out. what's the big deal?!
not the smell - the smell is good. i'm talking about not being able to do it property. and my mother brought me up to believe that if i can't do something right i shouldn't do it at all. of course, my father told me she gave lousy head, but that's beside the point.
no, i blame them. chicks never help you out. they never tell you what to do. and most of them are self- conscious about that smell factor, and so most of the time they just lay there, frozen like a deer in the headlights, right? not for nothing, but when a chick goes down on me. i let her know where to go, and what the status is. you gotta handle it like cnn and the weather channel - constant updates.
and that's all i'm saying, it'd be different if chicks helped out - pointed a guy in the right direction. then there'd be no bullshit, no wasted time, and no chance for permanent injuries.
sure. you wanna see something permanent! i got this from nina rollins, sophomore year. i'm going down on her, and out of nowhere, her cat jumps on her stomach. she does this big ol' pelvic thrust - cracks my tooth in half, sends it down my throat. i had to get a crown for the stub.
you see this! that's the farthest i can move my neck to the right sophomore year, i'm going out with maria bennert, and for six months, i'm going down on her, and not a damn thing's happening. then one night, i change a position, or vary my lapping-speed, and suddenly it's a whole new world. she's moving around, convulsing, breathing heavy. and her legs are pressing against my ears so tightly that i don't hear her father come into the room. he grabs my hair.  . and he pulls me way back, hard.
what traffic - it's one thirty in the morning!
since you like chicks, right.  do you just look at yourself in the mirror all the time?
you're still dwelling on the dyke, aren't you?
what'd i tell you - she just needs the right guy. all every woman really wants - be it mother, senator, nun - is some serious deep-dicking.
don't give me that look - i heard adam curry say worse.
that's why i can't buy lesbians. everyone needs dick. see, i can buy fags. bunch of guys that need dick - just plain need it? that i get. dykes? bullshit posturing. but - live and let live, i guess.
sloss like a mother fucker.
even more retarded and juvenile to sate the voracious, intellectually- challenged miscreants that make up your key demographic.
you did better - you sold us out!
money and power, and money and power.
what's not a good idea! please don't say the cartoon, please don't say the cartoon.
john, let me handle this. you are out of your fucking mind, aren't you!
no, i'd like to be remembered as the filthy rich guy who created bluntman and chronic.
he just has to get over this crush of his.
not on her; on alyssa jones - the chick that does that comic book 'idiosyncratic routine'. you ever seen it?
she'd never let him in her yard. the chick's gay.
always working, you. look at this - mrs. m-tv exec has a string of pearls hanging our of her ass,
i'm taking this as a precaution - just in case they give us any shit about pussy's decision delay. you'll 'give it some thought'. you're so retarded
the guy who sold it to me had an honest face.
i got the sega in one bag, my clothes in the other, and two months worth of unread comics in this one.
hold on.
i just have to get something.
read the articles. what do you think i'm going to do with them? they're stroke books.
variety's the spice of life. i like a wide selection. sometimes i'm in the mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes i like them arty and air-brushed. some times it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. sometimes a steamy letter will do it, sometimes - not often, but sometimes - i like the idea of a chick with a horse.
his master's voice.
do you like horsies?
and then black beauty couldn't take it any longer, and he finally did some of his own mounting.
i think i want kids of my own one day. they're fun.
what? why?
hunhh! yeah. but this is carry-on.
not this trip. but one time, when i was using curb side check-in, this sky- cap gave me a cock ring and a set of anal ben-wa balls. i always thought that was pretty strange. he said his name was frank. hey! you're name's frank!
i thought you lived in the city? this is like the umpteenth time i've seen you here. isn't that grounds enough for the little pink mafia to throw you out of their club?
bitch, you're schooling no one.
you fucking cock-teaser. i'll knock your fucking teeth out and pass all over your ass.
fuck! you fucking cock-sucker, man! these faggots won't do what i tell them to!
no, it's these.  fucking queers on blades that can't accept a fucking pass to save their lives! what period is this?
fuck! look at your fucking guys, they.  fuck!!! fucking cock sucker, man! i swear to god!
how was your pseudo-date?
that chick bugs me.
get off. fucking faggot! did you see that?! your dyke courting ass just got me scored on!
what the fuck is going on here?
not with this shit! with you. what the fuck is going on with you and that girl?
she's programming you.
yeah. and apparently, you don't even realize it. what does it matter if i refer to her as a dyke, or if i call the whalers a bunch of faggots in the privacy of my own office, far from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world?
bear with me here. i just want to put you through this little exercise. okay, now see this? this is a four way road, okay?
which one's going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?
i'm serious. this is a serious exercise. it's like an s.a.t. question. which one's going to get to the hundred dollar bill first - the male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, santa claus, or the easter bunny?
good. why?
she's fucking with your mind, man! she knows you've got this schoolboy crush and she's using it to sway your way of thinking!
maybe she thinks you'll get her comic picked up by contender. or maybe she thinks you'll change the content of our book to something more political and message oriented. or, gee - i don't know - maybe because that's just what dykes like to do: fuck around with straight guys' heads, just so she can go back to her little rug-muncher club and have a good laugh with all her man-hating harpy cronies about how fucking stupid and easily duped men are!
you don't even know this girl! big deal, she's from middletown and she went to north! all the girls at north were bitches and sluts anyway! and this one's got them beat by a mile because she's a bitch. slut. dyke!
oh why? do you get my back when she bashes me? because i know she does. and do you know why she does? because i won't play her fucking game!
what is it about this girl? you know you have no shot at getting her into bed! why do you bother wasting time with her? because you're holden fucking mcneil - most persistent traveller on the road that's not the path of least resistance! everything's gotta be a fucking challenge for you, and this little relationship with that bitch is a prime example of your fucking condition. well i don't need a fucking magic eight ball to look into your future; you want a forecast? here - will holden ever fuck alyssa. what a shock - "not fucking likely"! this relationship of your's is affecting you, our work and our friendship, and the time's going to come when i throw down the gauntlet and say it's me or her! and then what're you going to say?!
no, what would you say? would you trash twenty years of friendship because you've got some idiotic notion that this chick would even let you sniff her panties, let alone fuck her?!
what the fuck.  what the fuck makes this bitch all that important?!?! holden looks at banky for a long beat.
fuck.
catholic school girls.
the uniform is what does it for me. i wish i'd have went with more catholic school girls when i was a kid. as it stands. i have no ". and then she unzipped her jumper" stories.
that's my couch you were fucking on.
i wanted to watch some tv. hard to do when your best friend's wrapped around a naked rug-muncher on your couch.
this is all going to end badly.
i know you. you're way too conservative for that girl. she's been around and seen things we've only read about in books.
there's no 'we' here. you're going to have to go through this alone. and it's one thing to read about shit, and something different when you're forced to deal with it on a regular basis. when you guys are walking in the mall and both your heads turn at a really nice looking chick, it's going to eat you up inside. you'll spend most of your time wondering when the other shoe's going to drop. because for you, this isn't about cool weird sex stuff, it's about love.
somehow i doubt it.
everybody has an agenda. everyone.
my agenda is to watch your back.
to insure that all this time we've spent together, building something, wasn't wasted.
i wasn't talking about the comic. i'm going to gel a bagel. clean off my fucking couch so i can watch tv.
check out page forty eight.
did you see the nickname?
and?
do you know why it's 'finger cuffs'?
i do. you remember cohee lundin? left hudson and went to north our senior year?
well, i ran into him at food city the other day, and we got to talking, and i mentioned that you were dating alyssa, and he said.
cohee's a lot of things, but an exxagerator he's not. the dude's catholic.
that's what she says. but i say her on her hands and knees getting filled out like an application constitutes 'being with a guy'.
i'm getting your back, asshole! people don't forget shit like 'finger cuffs'. and if it got out that she's queer as well, how do you think it's going to make you look?
alright, forget about that; what if she's carrying a disease? that was just one story - what if there's more?
what? oh, it's not possible that she's all crudded up? cohee i can vouch for as clean - the dude never got laid in high school. but derris is an arch fucking bush-man! name me one chick in our senior class that rick derris didn't nail, for christ's sake!
and i'm telling you, the bitch could be a bigger fucking germ farm than that monkey in 'outbreak'!
maybe i'll put your fucking teeth down your throat.
i've been working out you know! you better be ready to make that m-tv deal!
the girl?
i just figured you wanted to kill two birds with one stone by telling her to fuck off with me here so you didn't have to go through the story again later on.
not even if you let me videotape it.
how perceptive.
that's a nice way of putting it. i'd have said the whole double-stuff thing.
what?
well, i've got to get home and catch the last few minutes of 'babylon 5', so i'll be.
just 'cause a guy's got a predilection coward dick jokes.
sure.
if you sell it, i want a kickback
there was going to be
you're looking at it. no chronic - no cartoon
tell me about it
it was a little more involved than that.
he quit the biz. i guess.
no. not really.
guess not. some doors just shouldn't be opened.
you're so right.