you're chasing amy.
you're chasing amy.
why don't you shut up? jesus! always yap, yap, yapping all the time. give me a fucking headache. i went through something like what you're going through. years ago. same kind of thing with a girl named amy.
a couple of years ago.
what you don't know about me i can just about squeeze into the grand fucking canyon. did you know i always wanted to be a dancer in vegas?
hunhh? bet you didn't know that?
so there's me an amy, and we're all inseparable, right? just big time in love. and then about four months in, i ask about the ex-boyfriend. dumb move, i know, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to.  stupid guy bullshit. anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they dated for years, lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah - and i'm okay. but then she tells me that a couple times, he brought other people to bed with them - menage a tois, i believe it's called. now this just blows my mind. i mean, i'm not used to that sort of thing, right? i was raised catholic.
do something. so i get weirded out, and just start blasting her, right? this is the only way i can deal with it - by calling her a slut, and telling her that she was used - i mean, i'm out for blood i want to hurt her - because i don't know how to deal with what i'm feeling. and i'm like "what the fuck is wrong with you?" and she's telling me that it was that time, in that place, and she didn't do anything wrong, so she's not gonna apologize. so i tell her it's over, and i walk.
no, idiot. it was a mistake. i wasn't disgusted with her, i was afraid. at that moment, i felt small - like i'd lacked experience, like i'd never be on her level or never be enough for her or something. and what i didn't get was that she didn't care. she wasn't looking for that guy anymore. she was looking for me. but by the time i realized this, it was too late, you know. she'd moved on, and all i had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. she was the girl, i know that now. but i pushed her away.
so i've spent every day since then chasing amy.  so to speak.
do, or do not - there is no ay.