yippee.
i know my name.
this is easy, alright! and right now it pays the bills. just don't forget that we're better than this.
you bet. we're at a comic book show, specifically at a book- signing. behind holden hangs a large banner, heralding holden mcneil and banky edwards - creators of bluntman and chronic'. beside it is a large mock-up of the comic book cover which features two stoner super-heroes who bear a striking resemblance to a pair of very familiar friendly neighborhood drug dealers, holden hands the book back to the fan.
i like to chink of them as rosencrantz and guildenstern' meet vladimir and estragon'.
who do i sign it to! before holden can finish, a loud crash is heard. he looks to his left and freaks. banky is throttling the collector from across the table. the collector attempts to fight him off. security guards pull them apart. holden grabs banky.
could you get him out of here! the security guards drag the collector away.
can i explain the audience principle to you! if you insult and accost them, then we have no audience.
need i remind you.  curtain's in ten minutes.
bullshit! lando calrissian was a black man, and he got to fly the millennium falcon! hooper whips his head around, looking for the source of the comment
i did! lando calrissian is a positive black role model in the realm of science fiction. fantasy.
but vader turns, out to be luke's father. and in jedi, they become friends.
how do you manage to get away with this all the time? shouldn't cops be busting your head open right about now?
your publisher condones these theatrics!
sorry about him. he's dealing with being an inker.
i really enjoy your book i'm surprised we've never met at any other con's before.
we'll go. banky offers holden a puzzled glance. then he nods to hooper.
he's got a point. archie never did settle on betty or veronica.
for years now. started back in third grade - a nun was teaching us about the blessed trinity. she's going on about the three persons in one god thing - father, son, holy spirit - and he just goes ballistic. i guess it was too big for him to grasp. they got into this huge fight.
you ever seen a nun call a small child a fucking cunt-rag'? wasn't pretty, shit like that's bound to happen when you make a kid wear a matching tie and slacks everyday.
limited to wine-tasting prior to mass. turned me into a grade school alcoholic altar boy. i couldn't tell you how many mornings after serous benders i'd wake up next to strange priests.
sharp! no. i'm just a fan of clergy- molestation humor. probably why the extended family quit inviting me to first communion parties. alyssa laughs. holden smiles.
not professionally. you know - only in bars.
it goes back to something my grandmother told me when i was a kid. "holden," she said "the big bucks are in dick and fart jokes." she was a church-goer.
i'm sorry - did i detect a note of bitter envy in there!
it's all about marketing. over- or underweight guys who don't get laid - they're our bread and butter. people like those two outside should be yours.
and sadly, there are more of our core audience out there than yours. look at that, though - kind of gives you a little charge, to see two people in love. and all over banky's car, no less. that car's seeing more action right now than it's seen in years.
you've gotta respect that kind of display of affection. it's crazy, rude, self-absorbed - but it's love.
says you.
fleeting.
a story?
'doctor zhivago'.
get out.
explain.
in pittsburgh.
that is love.
a stiff.
get out of here.
clever.
at which time he marries the high school sweetheart and lives happily ever after.
someone wrote 'fuck' inside his new steamer trunk.
what kind of asshole writes that inside a steamer trunk!
a hero's welcome for the new millionaire.
that's a love story!!
i should hope so. jesus, that's the saddest tale i've ever heard.
those two aren't on the hood of banky's car anymore.
huh! oh. she left. she said she'd call you later.
what!
who?
she's alright.
mister weatherbee wasn't really trying to fuck archie, was he!
it's the one across from the post office.
thanks. what do you wanna do tonight!
you got a weird thing for canadian melodrama.
bank-hold-up.
where is it?
i don't know, hoop. we're prepping the next issue, and we've got our big m-tv meeting in the morning.
told who?
alyssa from last night alyssa?
i'll be there.
hooper. he invited me to a club.
not that kind of a club.
'we'? you can't go. he's setting me up with alyssa.
and i don't want you messing it up.
i just told you - it's not that kind of club.
how are you going to get home if i hook up!
let me explain something to you, my witless chum the other night in that bar, we two - alyssa and i shared a moment, alright!
we shared a moment. and in that moment, one thing was made abundantly clear: this girl loves me, my friend. loves-me.
where is she?
she's got a boyfriend.
then what's to know?
hey, hey, hey - you fucked up my cabbage-patch!
call me flattered. i heard you sent me the invite to this little soiree'.
you're saying you're from the 'burbs!
get out of here! i'm from highlands!
how is it that we never ran into one another?
yeah. eighty eight.
what a small fucking world. so you know the tri-town area!
miller hill?
sandy hook?
this is so cool. the mall!
wait - here's the big test: quick stop!
you know that girl!!
you know what this is! this is fate.
i was talking about us meeting - what are the chances!
the quick stop girl died!
y.m.c.a pool! damn! you knew her too!
one friend in an asylum, the other friend in the grave. you're a dangerous person to know.
very solid.
two towns away from each other for years and we had to meet in new york.
that's rude.
sorry. it's just.  new to him.
would you shut up!!
i don't know how many times i can apologize for him.
here we go.
as stupid as you usually come off during this diatribe of your's, you're going to come off ten times as stupid on this occasion.
you're such an idiot.
holy shit, is that the time. we've gotta beat traffic.
and rush hour starts in six hours. let's go. thanks for inviting us out. it was.  educational.
lower your voice.
i'm sure the gay community appreciates your support.
i don't think it's a good idea.
the cartoon.
is this how you want to be remembered! as the guy who created bluntman and chronic!
but it'll be all glossy and main- stream. we'll lose any artistic credibility we ever had.
i'll give it some thought
i'm retarded! this from the guy who only forty five minutes ago paid fifty bucks for what's supposed to be a boot- leg of 'march of the wooden soldiers' with a deleted scene of stan laurel wearing a french tickler.
twelve episodes.
banky seems to think so.
i don't know if that's the perception i want people to have of our stuff. i know this sounds pretentious as hell, but i like to think of us as artists. and i'd like to get back to doing something more personal - like our first book.
as soon as we have something personal to say.
what?
uh.  thanks.
i didn't say anything.
sure. harrison ford. and our mail- man.
huh! no, not really.
it's just that we've, i mean, i've never seen that kind of thing up close and personal. it just took awhile to process, longer than usual.
um. if you want to.
why girls?
because that's the standard
it's more than that.
curious about men? well.  i always wondered why my father watched 'hee- haw'.
no.
no interest.
girls feel right.
wait, wait, wait - you're still a virgin?
but you've only been with girls.
isn't that the standard definition?
with a member of the opposite sex.
because that's the standard.
of course not.
okay, i'll revise. virginity is lost when the hymen is broken.
second revision - virginity is lost through penetration.
emotional?
physical penetration.
yeah, but not real sex.
well where's the penetration in lesbian sex.
a finger? come on. i've had my finger in my ass but i wouldn't say i've had anal sex.
you're kidding?!?! how?!?
but doesn't it hurt?!
what about not-so-special occasions?
but how can that be enough? i mean, let's be real - how big can a tongue even get?
just. uh.  just give me a moment.
look at you. it's a two day trip.
we're going to a convention, for the love of god. we'll be busy from ten 'till eight each day. when are you possibly going to have time for any of that shit? in fact, fuck it - you're leaving some of this shit here in a locker. come on - give me the two that aren't clothes.
what are you doing?
who are you, larry fucking flynt? what are you going to do with all of those?
you've got like thirty books there! we're only there for two days!
go check us in. i've gotta call alyssa.
put that stuff away.
what's up? i'm about to get on a plane.
last minute invite to the dragon con'.
what?
the one that wrote the book?
you didn't get invited to the con'?
well this sucks. you know - both of us don't have to go.
yeah. banky can go by himself. it's not like we're on a panel. it was just a signing appearance.
where's your apartment?
i'll be there in half an hour.
what are you doing?
listen to me - i'm not going. you're going to have to do this one by yourself.
alyssa's coming down for the weekend, so i want to hang out with her. you don't need me for this. meantime, i'll take this stuff home. you can keep the filth. i'll pick you up at nine sunday night, alright? don't forget to plug the annual and don't mention the t.v. show, okay? call me if you get bored.
excuse me?
i'm holden, by the way.
look, we're just friends.
and how do you know men so well?
who was that?
why would you want to hang our with someone bitter as that?
yeah. you?
really? did you have a strict upbringing?
you think your upbringing had something to do with your lifestyle choice?
shoes?
come in.
i'll be ready in a second. i just have to school this mouthy second-stringer.
what? do something!
look at how slow you are. christ, you move like a geriatric.
oh. it's the controller, right? it's always the controller.
final sixty of the third.
imagine if i'd only beaten him by one instead of thirty.
how could you have grown up down the shore and never played skee-ball? what did you do with your youth?
not your grade school years; your high school years.
the premise is very basic - you roll the ball up the ramp at varying speeds, in an effort to pop it into the score circles. the higher the score, the more prize tickets you get.
trade them in for prizes that aren't worth nearly as much as you paid to play the game.
it's fun.
observe.
see? it's just that simple.
where's the skill in that?
just toss one.
i'm sorry, man. she's new at this.
thank you. underhand. throw it underhand.
it's like spanish fly. this'll probably be the first time i don't score afterwards.
so what'd you do last night?
maybe we should just leave before somebody gets hurt.
he just feels left out, i think.
i thought he was talking to you.
he was just pissed he was losing.
c'mon. don't get all p.c. on me.
it says he gets too easily frustrated.
how do you figure?
i think you're reading too much into it.
you're blowing this way out of proportion. we live in a more tolerant age now. you refer to yourself as a dyke. hooper calls himself a faggot all the time.
how bad do you suck!
leave it alone.
aww. everyone bugs you.
you know, you should watch that. if you're going to get all bent out of shape while playing the game, so much so that you need to curse the t.v., try not to gay-bash it, alright. you're nor that kind of guy. and don't call her a dyke, alright? she's a lesbian.
i'm starting a new page.
we're friends.
i beg your pardon? programming?
it's passive. aggressive gay-bashing; and i know you're not really prejudiced at heart. you should just find some other way to express your anger, is all i'm saying.
what the fuck are you doing!
what is this supposed to prove?
the man-hating dyke.
i don't know.
i don't need this. i'm going home.
and why would she need to do that? what is she mata fucking hari?! what does she gain?
you're so out of line right now,
watch your fucking mouth, is all i'm going to tell you.
sometimes your paranoia and suspicious bullshit is amusing. sometimes it's just fucking annoying as piss!
i think you should let this one go.
let it go.
i'm in love with her, man.
i wish you were the one being pursued by m-tv.
sure. then you could sell our and maybe pick up the check once in awhile.
well it's not like this is a bed and breakfast,
tell me you're kidding!
i've always wondered what kind of people buy those things. i can't believe you talked him down to twenty five!
where are you going to hang it?
you want me to hang it for you? you better hope it doesn't get out to the girl-nation that you needed a man to help you hang a picture.
yeah, right.
why?
because i can't take it.
i love you.
i love you. and not in a friendly way, although i think we're great friends. and not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although i'm sure that's what you'll call it. and it's not because you're unattainable. i love you. very simple, very truly. you're the epitome of every attribute and quality i've ever looked for in another person. i know you think of me as just a friend and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. but i can't do this any longer. i can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. i can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. i can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. i know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but i had to say it, because i've never felt this before, and i like who i am because of it. and if bringing it to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. but i couldn't allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot- down. and i'll accept that but i know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, that means you feel something too. all i ask is that you not suppress that - at least for ten minutes - and try to dwell in it before you dismiss it. there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who's ever made me the person i am when i'm with you, and i would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. because it's there between you and me. you can't deny that. and even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that i'm forever changed because of you and what you've meant to me, which - while i do appreciate it - i'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.
was it something i said?
what are you doing?
you're going to hitch to new york?
aren't you at least going to comment?
why?
it's unfair that i'm in love with you?
so? people change.
but that's every relationship! there's always going to be a period of adjustment.
if this is a crush.  then i don't know if i could take the real thing if it ever happens.
stay here.
you looked weirded out back there.
sorry.
she had boxers on.
you don't know that.
but we have read about them. so we're prepared.
maybe it is for her as well.
everyone's not out to get someone in life. bank.
yourself?
to what end?
she's not going to ruin the comic.
can i ask you something?
why me - you know? why now?
you know what i'm talking about.
i'm a guy. you're attracted to girls.
then why this?
still am.
shit.
well, you took the luster our of it.
of how i brought you back from the other side. how all you needed was the right man to turn you around.
can i at least cell people that all you needed was some serious deep- dicking?
so?
'finger cuffs'.
and.  she had a weird nick-name. what's your point?
i suppose you do.
yeah.
he's full of shit.
she's never even been with a guy.
he's pulling your chain. and the fact that you even bought it for a second makes you look like an idiot.
i give a shit what people think.
you're such a fucking asshole.
would you let this go? i'm telling you - she's never even been with a guy, let alone those two zeroes.
give it a rest! do you hear me?! i'm tired of this shit! she's my goddamn girlfriend, do you understand?! show her a little fucking respect! and if you ever even so much as mention that alyssa looks a little peaked from now on, i'll put your fucking teeth down your throat!
not bloody likely.
sulking. he's having a real problem with this alyssa thing.
banky does not hate gays, you know that.
you make it sound like me and him were dating.
he's been digging up dirt on alyssa.
he heard some bullshit story that she took on two guys.
have it. actually, it's kind of gotten to me.
banky's not known for believing misinformation. he's got a pretty good bullshit detector.
sex with multiple partners?
at the same time.
thanks for being so comforting.
well that's the thing, isn't it? i shouldn't.  but it gets to me.
you see - that doesn't bother me. but the thought of her and guys.  uh!
which is?
do i detect a little inter-subculture cattiness?
i thought fags were all supposed to be super-supportive of one another.
three strikes.
what do you mean?
i can accept that.
what do you mean, 'visitors'?
so that was until recently!
so nobody bur me has stayed the night at your place since we got together?
no, i was just wondering,
look, i was just asking.
that'd make banky half right.
he said all the girls from north were bitches and sluts.
how about your yearbook.
what's with 'finger cuffs'?
yeah. in your senior yearbook your nickname was 'finger cuffs'. what is that?
do you know rick derris?
did you go out with him or something?
just.  you and him?
cohee?
rick pulled his dick out? really? what'd you do?
excuse me!?!
so it's true?!
how the hell could you do those things?!
how am i supposed to feel about all of this?
i don't know how i feel about you now.
some sex?
there's a world of fucking difference between typical high school sex and two guys at once! they fucking used you?
i want us to be something that we can't.
a normal couple.
what took you so long?
how'd a dirt merchant like you ever learn about likeness rights?
i'll pass. take a look at the issue.
i'll see what i can do.
nothing, thanks.
when is he not? no - i'm just having some girl trouble.
no. i'm just at a point where i don't know what to do.
can't do it, g. i'm in love.
just what i needed - advice from the 'hood
i don't think you know her.
you sound like barbra streisand.
i'm telling you, you don't know her.
alyssa jones.
she is. or was. i don't know.
it's not like that.
right now? i don't know. i love her. but she has a past
eat your fucking bagel already!
the problem is shit like that. it was one thing when it was just girls - that was weird enough. but now you throw guys into the mix - two guys at once, no less. all that experience. what am i supposed to think?
settling. that's comforting, jay. thanks.
i'm lust having a problem with all of it i can't get it out of my head these visuals of her doing all this shit. and i don't know why i can't let it go. because i'm crazy about her, you know? i look at this girl, i see the future. i see kids. i see grand- kids.
i'm scaring myself. because i think so much of her, and then i can't get over shit like 'finger cuffs'. i don't know what i'm doing.
what. what did you say?
what's there?
i don't know. i don't know if the book's going to be around much longer.
are you kidding me? there's millions of people out there that'd love to see themselves in a comic book.
snootchie-bootchies.
i'll try.
i know you're wondering why i asked you both here tonight, at the same time, knowing that we have shit to settle between us, separately.
enough! i've been going through things, over and over. and i dissected it all, and looked at it a thousand different ways. banky - there's friction between us for the first time in our lives. you hate me dating alyssa and you want me to sign off on this m-tv thing.
alyssa - you and i hit a wall, because i don't know how to deal with.  your past, i guess.
i'm only going to say it once: shut up. now - i know i'm to blame one way or the other on both accounts. with you, alyssa - it's my fault because i feel inadequate. because you've had so much experience, had such a big life; and my life's been pretty small in comparison.
please. i have to get through this. and with you banky - i know why you're having such a hard time with alyssa, and it's something that's been obvious forever, but i guess i just didn't acknowledge it. you're in love with me.
you're attracted to me. just as, in a way, i'm attracted to you. i mean, it makes sense - we've been together so long, we have so much in common.
it's something you're going to have to deal with. bank. you may very well be gay, which explains your homophobia and why you're so jealous of alyssa, and your sense of humor as well.
bank. stop. deal with it. you'll feel much better.
now - at this point, you may be asking yourself the question that i've been going over and over in my head for the last few days: what does one have to do with the other?
and when i did some serious soul- searching, it came at me from out of nowhere, and suddenly it all made sense - a calm came over me. i know what we have to do. and then you - bank, you alyssa, and i - all of us.  can finally be.  alright.
we've all got to have sex together.
don't you see? that would take care of everything. alyssa - i wouldn't feel inadequate or too conservative anymore. i'll have done something on par with all the experience you've had. and it'll be with you, which'll make it that much more powerful. and banky - you can cake that leap that everyone else but you sees that you should take. and it'll be okay, because it'll be with me - your best friend for years. we've been everything to each other but intimates. and now, we'll have been through that together too. and it won't have to be a total leap for you, because a woman will be involved. and when it's over, all that aggression you feel toward alyssa will be gone. because you'll have shared in something beautiful with the woman i love. it'll be cathartic. a true communion. we have to do this. for me, for both of you.  for all of our sakes. this will keep us together. what do you say?
you know i need this. you know it'll help.
no? i.  i thought you'd be into this.
but you've.  you've done.  stuff.  like this. this should be no big deal for you.
i need this. this has to happen. why can't you see that? and how can you not? what does that say about me? you can take it from two guys whose names you can barely remember, but i ask you to share an experience like it - where it's about intimacy - and you say no?
you can. i'll be there. and when it's over, we'll be the strongest we've ever been because we got through some nasty shit together. and we'll finally be on the same level together. and then there'll be nothing we can't accomplish.
no it won't. i thought about all of that.
i saved you one.
hi.
good. really good. yourself?
because it's so good. i really liked it.
a month ago. i did a really small run. self-financed. only about five hundred issues.
you might. it's familiar subject matter.
i finally had something personal to say.
i'm going to go. i don't want to hold up the line.
read that, when you have a minute
i'd like to hear your thoughts about it. if you get a chance, give me a call.
nice seeing you again,