next time, i get the bed.
shit.
shit.
shit!
thanks. have a good one.
sure. go ahead.
yeah.
beats me.
excuse me, but.
fifty-five.
maybe you should take that coffee outside.
if you're going to drink it in here, i'd appreciate it if you'd not bother the customers.
hey, now wait a sec.
i think you'd better leave now.
you're loitering in here, and causing a disturbance.
that's it, everybody out.
yeah, but not in here.
like i'm responsible for all the smokers!
too hard?! i don't have enough indignities in my life-people start throwing cigarettes at me!
i hate this fucking place.
please, veronica. last thing i need is a lecture at this point.
i'm not even supposed to be here today!
the guy got sick and couldn't come in.
yes! and i'm going to play like shit because i didn't get a good night's sleep!
i'm only here until twelve, then i'm gone. the boss is coming in.
somebody jammed the locks with gum.
bunch of savages in this town.
i don't know-like two-thirty, three.
hunhh? nothing.
nothing! jesus! i gotta fight with you now?
who's defensive? just. would you just hug me?! all right? your boyfriend was accosted by an angry mob, and he needs to be hugged.
what? what is that?
oh, be real! would you. would you please hug me? i just went through a very traumatic experience and i haven't been having the best day so far. now come on.
what? what's with that look?! i wasn't talking to anyone, especially her! look at you, being all sort of. i don't know. stand-offish.
fine. you don't trust me, don't hug me. i see how it is. all right pissy-pants, you just go on being suspicious and quiet. i don't even want to hug you at this point.
give you a dollar?
thanks.
like three dollars in mixed change and a couple of singles. people only get the paper of coffee this time of morning.
why do you say that?
theoretically, people see money on the counter and nobody around, they think they're being watched.
i had to use shoe polish to make that sign. the smell won't come off.
why? you wanna have sex or something?
really?
yeah, right. you can't get enough of me.
how do you figure?
women? women, as lovers, are all basically the same: they just have to be there.
making a male climax is not all that challenging: insert somewhere close and preferably moist; thrust; repeat.
now, making a woman cum. therein lies a challenge.
a girl makes a guy cum, it's standard. a guy makes a girl cum, it's talent.
something wrong?
i touched a nerve.
it wasn't directed at you. i was making a broad generalization.
these are my opinions based on my experiences with the few women who were good enough to sleep with me.
how many what?
how many different girls? didn't we already have this discussion once?
including you?
twelve.
including you; yes.
what the hell was that for?
why'd you hit me?
do i get to hit you after you tell me?
three?
you've only had sex with three different people?
who?
no; who were the three, besides me?
wow. that's great. that's something to be proud of.
animal, vegetable, or mineral.
they put up the least amount of struggle.
all right. name it.
where?
can't we ever have a discussion without that coming up?
jesus, would you stop? you make my head hurt when you talk about this.
shit! why are we getting up?
how are you? just the soda?
why do you call him that?
what do you mean?
he requested this?
sylvan can be talked into anything.
like you said-she snowballed him.
yeah, right.
you sucked that guy's dick?
but. but you said you only had sex with three guys! you never mentioned him!
you sucked his dick!
oh my god! why did you tell me you only slept with three guys?
oh my god-i feel so nauseous.
i did understand! i understand that you slept with three different guys, and that's all you said.
how many?
how many dicks have you sucked?!
how many?
this is different. this is important. how many?!
well?
what? something like thirty-six?
what the hell is that anyway, "something like thirty-six?" does that include me?
i'm thirty-seven?
thirty-seven?! my girlfriend sucked thirty-seven dicks!
hey! where are you going?!
no, but you sucked enough dick!
a few?
well. why did you have to suck their dicks? why didn't you just sleep with them, like any decent person?!
i feel sick.
every time i kiss you now i'm going to taste thirty-six other guys.
thirty-seven. i just can't.
try not to suck any more dicks on your way through the parking lot!
hey! hey, you! get back here!
i called his house twice already. he should be here soon.
i'm sure he wasn't sleeping.
no; he was probably just resting his eyes.
actually, that's his night job.
if you'll just tell me the title of your rental choice, i'll have him hold it for you.
you forgot your keys.
you're late.
the boss called. arthur fell ill.
someone jammed gum in the locks.
that's what i said.
he assured me that he'd be here by twelve.
go open the sore.
shocking abuse of authority.
don't screw with it. it makes us look suspicious.
no, thanks.
why?
you don't want to know.
she called me.
one fight a day with veronica is about all i can stomach, thanks.
i guess it's not really fighting. she just wants me to leave here, go back to school, get some direction.
you win.
seven months.
five years.
eight and a half.
party at john k's-senior year. i get blitzed and pass out in his bedroom. caitlin comes in and dives all over me.
in the middle of it, she calls me brad.
she called me brad.
i hit the lights and she freaks. turns out she thought i was brad michaelson.
she was supposed to meet brad michaelson in a bedroom. she picked the wrong one. she had no idea i was even at the party.
great story, isn't it?
interesting postscript to that story: do you know who wound up going with brad michaelson in the other dark bedroom?
allan harris.
the two moved to idaho together after graduation. they raise sheep.
it takes different strokes to move the world.
because there was a lot of good in our relationship.
i'm serious. aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. that's what high school's all about-algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity.
they are. when she calls me now, she's a different person-she's frightened and vulnerable. she's about to finish college and enter the real world. that's got to be scary for anyone.
i'm talking to myself here.
and she's looking to me for support. and i think that this is leading our relationship to a new level.
i think the arguments veronica and i are having are some kind of manifestation of a subconscious desire to break away from her so that i can pursue the possibility of a more meaningful relationship with caitlin.
i think it's safe to say yes.
all four?
yes, i'd like to check on a misprint in today's edition. today's edition. it says "bree to wed asian design major. no, no; everything's spelled fine. i just wanted to know if the piece was a misprint. i don't know, like a typographical error or something.
maybe it's supposed to be caitlin bray, or caitlin bre, with one e. i'm a curious party. a curious party.
i'm an ex-boyfriend. well, it's just that we talk all the time, and she never mentioned this engagement, which is why i'm thinking maybe it's a misprint.
are you sure?. maybe there's like a vindictive printer working for you.
meaning like someone who maybe-i don't know-asked her out once and got shot down, and his revenge is throwing this bogus article in when the paper went to press. hello?. hello?
you hold the counter and i'll pull.
maybe we should soap your hand or something.
i think it's coming now.
i'll throw this out. precautionary measure.
a word of advice: sometimes it's best to let those hard to reach chips go.
do you know that article is accurate? caitlin's really getting married!
me pulling a can off some moron's fist.
didn't you hear me? caitlin really is getting married.
empire.
empire had the better ending: luke gets his hand cut off, and finds out vader's his father; han gets frozen and taken away by boba fett. it ends on such a down note. and that's life-a series of down endings. all jedi had was a bunch of muppets.
what's that?
the emperor.
how do you mean?
i guess.
yeah.
it would stand to reason, yes.
more or less.
i think they were catholics.
yeah. come in.
there's more?
yeah.
luke blew it up. give credit where it's due.
compliments of lando calrissian.
and you figured it out?
basically.
and the second time around?
so?
not just imperials, is what you're getting at.
all right, so even if independent contractors are working on the death star, why are you uneasy with its destruction?
my friend is trying to convince me that any contractors working on the uncompleted death star were innocent victims when the space station was destroyed by the rebels.
whose house was it?
based on personal politics.
wait.
this guy is going through all of the eggs. look.
this has been going on for twenty minutes.
he said he has to find a perfect dozen.
each egg has to be perfect.
obviously not. look at all the cartons that didn't make the grade.
i told him that and he yelled at me.
he said it was important to have standards. he said nobody has pride anymore.
i'll give him five more minutes then i'm calling the cops. i don't need this, man. i'm not even supposed to be here today.
you know him?
why do you say that?
why guidance counselors?
did you ever notice all the prices end in nine? damn, that's eerie.
what's a jizz-mopper?
nudie booth?
i guess not.
what kind of show?
can we talk about this later?
excuse me?
we're sorry, ma'am. we got a little carried away.
ma'am, ma'am, i'm sorry! please, wait a second, ma'am.
why do you do things like that? you know she's going to come back and tell the boss.
i'm gonna hear it tomorrow.
what for? they don't bother me if i don't bother them.
there aren't.
it's not really anyone per se, it's more of separate groupings.
the milkmaids.
the women that go through every gallon of milk looking for a later date. as if somewhere-beyond all the other gallons-is a container of milk that won't go bad for like a decade.
which ones?
you think you get stupid questions? you should hear the barrage of stupid questions i get.
no.
because my ex-girlfriend is getting married.
veronica!
he still hasn't shown up. why aren't you in class?
what is it?
really? you're the best.
shut up! yes, i've calmed down, i'm still not happy about it, but i've been able to deal.
why don't you go back to the video store?
i had to tell someone. he put it into perspective.
at least he wasn't thirty-six.
and he said most of them are college guys, i've never met or seen.
it isn't there. yes.
thank you for the lasagne.
i called a locksmith and he said the earliest he could get here it tomorrow.
what time do you get finished?
sure.
can you come next door? i gotta make a phone call.
the best burtless movie ever made.
hello, is mr. synder there? this is dante. did he say if he was on his way here?. here. the convenience store. i know, but the other guy called out this morning and mr.
synder asked me to cover until he got here. he said he'd be here by noon, but it's one-thirty now, so i. excuse me. vermont?!. no, that can't be; i talked to him this morning. he left at what time?. he really went to vermont?. when the hell was someone going to tell me?. he promised he was coming by noon!. jesus. when does he get back?!. tuesday!. you've gotta be fucking kidding me!. i've got a hockey game at two, and the fucking shutters are jammed closed, and he's in vermont?. i'm not even supposed to be here today!! so i'm stuck here till closing?. this is just great. i just can't believe. i'm sorry, i didn't mean to yell at you. no. no, i'll be all right. well, that's all i can do, right?. thanks.
can you believe this?!
not a fucking word! slippery shit!
fuck!
what?
i know.
i don't back down.
you know what pisses me off the most?
i'm going to miss the game.
would you shut the hell up with that shit? it's not helping.
sorry.
i can't believe i'm going to miss the game!
you've got a customer.
sanford? dante. i can't play today. i'm stuck at work. i know i'm not scheduled, but-just forget it. i can't play. neither can randal. he's working too.
wait a second. do we have to play at the park?. hold on.  do you feel limber?
pull my laces tighter.
i told him i had a game today. it's his own fault.
i just want to play hockey like i was scheduled to.
if you grab a gatorade, then everybody's going to grab one.
so? so nobody's going to want to pay for these gatorades.
i've got a responsibility here. i can't let everybody grab free drinks.
at least let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here.
all right. jesus, you fuckers are pushy.
can we not talk about this?
i don't know. you going to lock the video store?
we're not playing in the street.
ready?
if you can just wait a few more minutes.
i'll be right back. it's almost over.
in a second!
i can pass!
who are you to make assessments?
like you're better!
that's easy to say from over here.
there's a stick over there. you're shooting against the goal. redding! come off and let this fuck on!
give me another ball.
what the fuck are you talking about? how many balls did you bring?
are there any balls down there?!
you only brought one ball?!
nobody has another ball?
we get. what. twelve minutes of game, and it's over? fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck!! i'm not even supposed to be here today!
i'm trying.
so i'm told.
and he got cancer by chewing fluorescent bulb glass?
oh. can i help you?
um. yeah, but it's for employees only.
uh. sure. go ahead. it's back through the cooler.
the white kind.
actually, it is kind of rough.
yeah, but.
yeah, okay. go ahead.
jesus. go ahead.
you know, you probably could've been home, already, in the time it's taken you to get in there.
i said go ahead.
the porno mags?
here. now leave me alone.
one ball!! they come all the way here. i close the damn store. for one ball!
randal, twelve minutes is not a game! jesus, it's barely a warm-up!
gatorade.
exactly. they drank it all.
"it's not like we're gonna sell out."
i still can't believe caitlin's getting married.
yeah, right.
oh, my god.
how? when?
jesus.
i haven't seen her in almost two years.
number six.
i'm gonna go to her wake.
why not?
what!?
shit. what about tomorrow?
you've gotta watch the store. i have to go to this.
you hardly knew her!
stop it. this is beneath even you.
you hate people.
don't be an asshole. somebody has to stay with the store.
she meant nothing to you!
i'm not taking you to this funeral.
i can't close the store.
exactly, which means i can't close it for another hour so we can both go to a wake.
thanks for putting me in a tough spot. you're a good friend.
twenty-two; same as us.
an embarrassing way to die.
how'd he die?
that's embarrassing?
shut the hell up.
stop it.
oh, my god.
no!
because i never tried to suck my own dick?
who found him?
his dick was in his mouth?
he made it, hunhh?
i could never reach.
you know.
yeah. like you said, you know. i guess everyone tries it, sooner of later.
i know it was a bad idea to close the store.
i can't help it. at least when we were playing hockey outside, i could see if anyone wanted to go in.
i can't fucking believe you!!
you knocked the fucking casket over, for chrissakes!
does anyone ever knock over a casket on purpose?
her fucking body fell out!
just. go! go open the video store.
go open the video store.
how many times i gotta tell you not to deal outside the store.
i don't want to talk to you.
why should i loan you my car?
you want to rent a movie.
you work in a video store!
can you imagine being halfway decent to the customers at least some of the time?
may i be blunt with you?
we are employees of quick stop convenience and rst video, respectively. as such, we have certain responsibilities which- though it may seem cruel and unusual-does include manning our posts until closing.
there's a difference. those were obligations. obligations that could not have been met at any later date. now renting videos-that's just gratuitous, not to mention illogical, considering you work in a video store.
yes.
it's going to have to do for now, considering that it's my car that's up for request. can i help you?
my point is that you're a clerk, paid to do a job. you can't just do anything you want while you're working.
they certainly do. two fifty-five.
what?
exactly.
that's stretching it. you're not being asked to slay children or anything.
sir! sir, i'm sorry! he didn't mean it! he was trying to get me.
i know. i'm sorry. let me refund your cigarette money, and we'll call it even.
what the fuck did you do that for?
jesus!
what?
you're a danger to both the dead and the living.
please, get the hell out of here.
excuse me?
i didn't strain. i sighed.
i don't think so.
they are not.
what are you talking about? there's no fat on this body.
yes.
thirty-fire.
i am not.
i don't know.
i know i can bench more than that!
oh for god's sake!
yes. i'm not out of shape.
what?
i don't have love handles.
i've been here since six o'clock this morning. why?
i'm not out of shape!
dante hicks. why? what is this about?
do i know you?
caitlin bree. yeah?
you're alyssa's sister? heather?
yeah.
yeah?
how do you know that?
no, she's getting married.
what?
you know him?
wait a second! you used to sleep with caitlin bree? while i was dating her?
i. i don't believe this.
the glades motel?
what? when? when did all this shit happen?
jesus christ, what next?
what's this?
what?
what are you talking about?
i didn't do that!
yeah, but i didn't sell cigarettes to any kids!
but i didn't sell cigarettes to any kid!
i didn't sell cigarettes to any kids! i swear!
but i didn't sell cigarettes to any kids! hey!
jesus! what next?
what?
caitlin?
when did you get back?
my god. i haven't seen you since.
let's not talk about that. how'd you get home?
i can't believe you're here.
to the back, above the oil. how long are you staying?
so i'm told.
i want to talk to you about something, and i don't want to be disturbed.
very dramatic, i thought.
what, it's worse? you're pregnant with an asian design major's child?
were you going to tell me or just send me an invitation?
you could've broke it to me gently, you know; at least started by telling me you had a boyfriend. i told you i have a girlfriend.
and you said yes?
is that what they teach you at that school of yours? kind of, sort of? everyone knows about this except me! do you know how humiliating that is?
how do you know that?
so you're really getting married?
no, you're not really getting married?
how like her.
thanks for the vote of confidence.
wreck is a harsh term. disturbed is more like it. mildly disturbed even.
and you came here to what? to comfort me?
but you were.
yeah, but not seriously. christ, you're ready to walk down the aisle-i'd say that constitutes something more than just seeing somebody.
what?
sang? his name is a past tense?
if he's so nice, why aren't you going to marry him?
there's more, isn't there?
tell me i don't have something to do with it.
you lie.
i just believe in giving credit where credit is due. and i believe that i'm the impetus behind your failure to wed.
jesus, you're caustic.
so who's asking? i don't want to marry you.
buy can we date?
we could introduce them. they might hit it off.
i would like to be your boyfriend, yes.
give me a bit more credit. i think it's time we got back together, you know. i'm more mature, you're more mature, you're finishing college, i'm already in the job market.
cute. tell me you wouldn't want to go out again. after all the talking we've been doing.
so. what? so we should just make pretend over the phone that we're dating?
let me take you out tonight.
yes. a real date. dinner and a movie.
you have a better suggestion?
i hear that's a rather popular date.
what about sing?
sang.
he's your fianc.
so what are you saying?
i'm just kidding.
i'll ask randal to close up for me- when he gets back.
he went to rent a movie, but he hasn't gotten back yet. ah, screw it; i'll just lock the store up and leave him a note.
who doesn't?
what happened to the walk and the nakedness?
yes!
what'd you rent? best of both worlds?
and this is what you rented?
i got fined for selling cigarettes to a minor.
five hundred dollars.
living proof.
i don't; you did.
little girl. maybe five years old?
as opposed to the hundreds of other children you let buy cigarettes whenever you work here.
because i'm here.
i swear. i couldn't make this kind of hell up.
because i'm happy.
i'm happy.
no. i'm happy because caitlin came to see me.
i'm not. she just left.
she's not going to marry that guy. she went home to tell her mother.
i'm not.
she went home, she's getting ready, and we're going out.
watch the store while i go home and change.
this is my way of spitting water at life.
no! don't bring it up. i don't want to think about that now. let me enjoy this hour of bliss. i'll think about all of that later. in the meantime, nobody mentions the v word.
in my absence, try not to sell cigarettes to any newborns.
i might be leaving early to go out with caitlin, in which case you'll have to close the store tonight.
i'll read the book.
who eats cock?
there's no lights back there.
i love your sexy talk. it's so. kindergarten: poo-poo; wee-wee.
i left like an hour ago.
could be.
like what?
um. okay.
it wasn't me.
was it you?
i'm serious.
no.
i'm not kidding. i just got back from outside.
i'm not fooling around! who went back there?
are you sure somebody was back there?
shut the fuck up!
call the police.
there's a strange man in our bathroom, and he just raped caitlin!
would you shut the fuck up? who the fuck is in the bathroom?
i don't know. he just came in and asked to use the bathroom.
um. i don't know. what time did hockey end?
what time did we go to the funeral?
just me.
we did.
nobody. it was closed.
everything happened at once. i guess i forgot he was back there.
was he alive when. caitlin.
no. i gave it to him.
well he asked me for it!
what about caitlin?
she thought it was me.
this life.
why do i have this life?
i'm stuck in this pit, earning less than slave wages, working on my day off, dealing with every backward fuck on the planet, the goddam steel shutters are locked all day, i smell like shoe polish, i've got an ex-girlfriend who's catatonic after fucking a dead guy, and my present girlfriend has sucked thirty-six dicks.
my life is in the shitter right about now, so if you don't mind, i'd like to stew a bit.
i was born.
i should shit or get off the pot.
what are you talking about?
fuck you.
what responsibility?
as if it's that easy.
leave me alone.
oh, like your life's any better?
thank you. why don't you go back to the video store?
leave her out of this.
leave me alone.
if i wasn't such a fucking coward. it must be so great to be able to simplify everything the way you do.
you're wrong. things happened today, okay? things that probably ruined my chances with caitlin.
caitlin and i can't be together. it's impossible.
what do you want me to say? yes, i suppose some of the things you're saying may be true. but that's the way things are; it's not going to change.
i can't, all right! jesus, would you leave me alone? i can't make changes like that in my life. if i could, i would-but i don't have the ability to risk comfortable situations on the big money and the fabulous prizes.
jesus h. christ, i can't!
my mother told me once that when i as three, my potty lid was closed, and instead of lifting it, i chose to shit my pants.
point is-i'm not the kind of person that disrupts things in order to shit comfortably.
done poisoning the youth for the day?
one seventy-nine.
a half hour.
i should start.
with you? i don't think so.
nothing personal.
how do you figure. hey! you can't roll a joint in here!
it's not my store.
the difference is you exploit a weakness.
you sell to people that can't stay away from an addiction.
a dollar sixty-nine, plus tax.
so.
i can't believe you just rolled a joint in here.
he died in the bathroom.
i don't know. i wasn't watching.
knock it off. that used to be my girlfriend.
we were going to start again, i think.
veronica.
lasagne.
maybe.
i jacked the car up. all she did was loosen the nuts and put the tire on.
she's my girlfriend.
meaning?
he's right. i love her.
what the fuck did you do that for?
what're you talking about?
it was only a few times.
a couple?
would you let me explain.
veronica. i. it's not like that anymore. i mean, it was never really like that.
i don't want caitlin.
i don't want to go back with her.
randal?
veronica, i love you.
the swelling's not so bad. but the fds stings. how's your neck?
why the fuck did you tell veronica that i was going to dump her for caitlin?
thanks.
jesus.
oh please! i'm surprised i didn't kill you.
why do i say that? randal. forget it.
what don't you do? randal, sometimes it seems like the only reason you come to work is to make my life miserable.
what time did you get to work today?
you were over half an hour late. then all you do is come over here.
which means the video store is ostensibly closed.
unless you're out renting videos at other video stores.
you get my slapped with a fine, you fight with the customers and i have to patch everything up. you get us chased out of a funeral by violating a corpse. to top it all off, you ruin my relationship. what's your encore? do you anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?
you know what the real tragedy is? i'm not even supposed to be here today!
you need a ride?
do you work tomorrow?
i'm calling out. going to hit the hospital-see how caitlin is. then try to see veronica.
i'll call you. let you know.
no thanks. i'll take care of it. we've got a lot of shit to talk about.
to say the least.
get the fuck outta here already.
what'd you forget something? oh. i'm sorry, we're closed.