you're kidding. it's almost eleven- thirty!
man! i hate it when i can't rent videos!
which one?
you came for that too? that's the movie i came for.
says who?
ain't gonna happen, my friend. i'm getting that tape.
i'll bet you twenty bucks you don't get to rent that tape.
twenty bucks.
what the hell are you doing here? i thought you were playing hockey at one.
why are the shutters closed?
bunch of savages in this town.
shit, if i'd known you were working, i would've come even later.
what time do you have to stay till?
what smells like shoe polish?
no time for love, doctor jones!
some guy just came in refusing to pay late fees. he said the store was closed for two hours yesterday. i tore up his membership.
i'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class, especially since i rule. is the pelican flying?
i can't stand a voyeur. i'll be back.
want something to drink? i'm buying.
who was on your phone this morning at about two-thirty? i was trying to call for a half an hour.
i wanted to use your car.
snake cake?
you called caitlin again?
did you tell veronica?
what do you two fight about?
i'll bet the most frequent topic of arguments is caitlin bree.
i'm going to offer you some advice, my friend: let the past be the past. forget caitlin bree. you've been with veronica for how long now?
chick's nuts about you. how long did you date caitlin?
chick only made you nuts. she cheated on you how many times?
eight and a half?
that's cheating?
she called you brad?
that's not cheating. people say crazy shit during sex. one time, i called this girl "mom."
what do you mean?
oh, my god.
that girl was vile to you.
your mother.
chess team allan harris?!
that's frightening.
in light of this lurid tale, i don't see how you could even romanticize your relationship with caitlin-she broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles.
oh yeah.
you think things would be any different now?
oh shit, i've got to place an order.
no, no, i'm listening. she's leaving college, and?
what about veronica?
caitlin's on the same wave-length?
then i think all four of you had better sit down and talk it over.
you, veronica, caitlin.  . and caitlin's fianc.
yes, i'd like to place an order, please. thank you.
what were you looking for?
i'm on the phone with the distribution house now. let me make sure they have it. what's it called again?
obviously. yes, hello; this is r.s.t. video calling. customer number four- three-five-zero-two-nine. i'd like to place an order. okay.
i need one each of the following tapes: whisper in the wind, to each his own, put it where it doesn't belong, my pipes need cleaning, all tit-fucking, volume eight, i need your cock, ass-worshipping rim- jobbers, my cunt and eight shafts, cum clean, cum-gargling naked sluts, cum buns three, cumming in a sock, cum on eileen, huge black cocks with pearly white cum, slam it up my too-loose ass, ass blasters in outer space, blowjobs by betsy, sucking cock and cunt, finger my ass, play with my puss, three on a dildo, girls who crave cock, girls who crave cunt, men alone two-the k.y. connection, pink pussy lips, and all holes filled with hard cock. oh, and.  what was the name of that movie?
and a copy of happy scrappy-the hero pup. okay, thanks. sixteen forty-nine. it'll be here monday.
you know what i just watched?
return of the jedi.
which did you like better: jedi or the empire strikes back.
blasphemy.
there was something else going on in jedi. i never noticed it until today.
all right, vader's boss.
right, the emperor. now the emperor is kind of a spiritual figure, yes?
well, he's like the pope for the dark side of the force. he's a holy man; a shaman, kind of, albeit an evil one.
now, he's in charge of the empire. the imperial government is under his control. and the entire galaxy is under imperial rule.
then wouldn't that logically mean that it's a theocracy? if the head of the empire is a priest of some sort, then it stands to reason that the government is therefore one based on religion.
hence, the empire was a fascist theocracy, and the rebel forces were therefore battling religious persecution.
the only problem is that at no point in the series did i ever hear leia or any of the rebels declare a particular religious belief.
you know what else i noticed in jedi?
so they build another death star, right?
now the first one they built was completed and fully operational before the rebels destroyed it.
and the second one was still being built when they blew it up.
something just never sat right with me the second time they destroyed it. i could never put my finger on it-something just wasn't right.
well, the thing is, the first death star was manned by the imperial army-storm troopers, dignitaries- the only people onboard were imperials.
so when they blew it up, no prob. evil is punished.
the second time around, it wasn't even finished yet. they were still under construction.
a construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the imperial army had to offer. i'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers.
exactly. in order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? all they know is killing and white uniforms.
all those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed- casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. all right, look-you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia-this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. all of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius.
you didn't ask for that. you have no personal politics. you're just trying to scrape out a living.
the ending of return of the jedi.
like when?
"babyface" bambino? the gangster?
no way!
what.
i don't watch movies.
no.
i find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
they suck.
no, i wasn't.
i don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
your ruse. your cunning attempt to trick me.
i hope it feels good.
i hope it feels so good to be right. there is nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
you'll be missed.
you're not allowed to rent here anymore!
screw me!
you'll never believe what this unruly customer just said.
she's in here?
what's he looking for?
perfect dozen.
the quest isn't going well?
why doesn't he just mix and match?
what did he say?
it's not like you laid the eggs yourself.
(still staring at the
yeah. how'd you know?
get out of here.
come to think of it, my guidance counselor was kind of worthless.
you know how much money the average jizz-mopper make per hour?
he's the guy in those nudie-booth joints who cleans up after each guy that jerks off.
nudie booth. you've never been in a nudie booth?
oh, it's great. you step into this little booth and there's this window between you and this naked woman, and she puts on this little show for like ten bucks.
think of the weirdest, craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do. these chicks do it all. they insert things into any opening in their body. any opening. he's led a very sheltered life.
the jizz-mopper's job is to clean up the booths afterward, because practically everybody shoots a load against the window, and i don't know if you know or not, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
well, you think that's offensive.
then check this out. i think you can see her kidneys.
who cares? that lady's an asshole. everybody that comes in here is way too uptight. this job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
you gotta loosen up, my friend. you'd feel a hell of a lot better if you'd rip into the occasional customer.
liar! tell me there aren't customers that annoy the piss out of you on a daily basis.
how can you lie like that? why don't you vent? vent your frustration. come on, who pisses you off?
let's hear it.
the milkmaids?
you know who i can do without? i could do without the people in the video store.
all of them.
and they never rent quality flicks; they always pick the most intellectually devoid movie on the rack.
it's like in order to join, they have to have an iq less than their shoe size.
see? you vented. don't you feel better now?
why not?
jesus, you got a one-track mind. it's always caitlin, caitlin, caitlin.
thirty-seven!
all right, now if you're really feeling dangerous tonight, then smokey and the bandit three is the movie you must rent.
hey, neither did et; but that was a great movie, right?
smokey three: thumbs up, am i right?
lenin's tomb.
vermont?
he didn't mention it when he called you this morning?
so, what-you're stuck here all day?
why'd you apologize?
i heard you apologize. why? you have every right in the world to be mad.
that seems to be the leitmotif in your life; ever backing down.
yes, you do. you always back down. you assume blame that isn't yours, you come in when called as opposed to enjoying your day off, you buckle like a belt.
the fact that i'm right about your buckling?
because you buckled.
don't yell at me, pal.
see? there you go again.
at least we're stuck here together.
what? what do you want?!
i've gotta tell you, my friend: this is one of the ballsiest moves i've ever been privy to. i never would have thought you capable of such blatant disregard of store policy.
no argument here. insubordination rules.
he's blunt, but he's got a point.
he's right. as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on gatorade.
design major.
are you gonna lock the store?
look who you're asking here. how're we gonna block off the street?
then where're we gonna play?
helluva game!
hockey's hockey. at least we got to play.
bitch, bitch, bitch. you want something to drink?
what happened to all the gatorade?
after an exhausting game like that i can believe it.
you know what sanford told me?
julie dwyer died.
no, i'm serious.
sanford's brother dates her cousin. he found out this morning.
embolism in her brain. yesterday.
she was swimming at the ymca pool when it happened. died midbackstroke.
correct me if i'm wrong, but wasn't she one of the illustrious twelve?
you've had sex with a dead person.
no, you're not.
it's today.
paulsen's funeral parlor. the next show is at four.
one night only. she's buried in the morning.
wait, wait, wait. has it occurred to you that i might bereaved as well?
true, but do you know how many people are going to be there? all of our old classmates, to say the least.
i'm not missing what's probably going to be the social event of the season.
but i love gatherings. isn't it ironic?
if you go, i go.
she meant nothing to you either until i told you she died.
i'm going with you.
you just closed the store to play hockey on the roof!
you were saying?
she was pretty young, hunhh?
an embolism in a pool.
that's nothing compared to how my cousin walter died.
broke his neck.
he broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.
bible truth.
i swear.
come on. haven't you ever tried to suck your own dick?
yeah sure. you're so repressed.
no, because you won't admit to it. as if a guy's a fucking pervert because he tries to go down on himself. you're as curious as the rest of us, pal. you've tried it.
my cousin? my aunt found him. on his bed, doubled over himself with his legs on top. dick in his mouth. my aunt freaked out. it was a mess.
balls resting on his lips.
yeah, but at what a price.
reach what?
what, your dick?
i never tried it.
fucking pervert.
listen to you.
nobody's there. it's four o'clock on a saturday. how many people ever come to the store at four on a saturday?
i'm telling you, it wasn't my fault!
i was just leaning on it! it was an accident!
so the casket fell over! big deal!
so they'll put her back in! it's not like it's gonna matter if she breaks something!
shut the fuck up, junkie!
let me borrow your car.
fine. just lend me your car.
i want to rent a movie.
what's that for?
i work in a shitty video store. i want to go to a good video store so i can rent a good movie.
annoying customer.
let me borrow your car.
if you must.
i see. so playing hockey and attending wakes-these practices are standard operating procedure.
you know what? i don't think i care for you rationale.
what's your point?
so your argument is that title dictates behavior?
the reasons you won't let me borrow your care is because i have a title and a job description, and i'm supposed to follow it, right?
so i'm no more responsible for my own decisions while i'm here at work than, say, the death squad soldiers in bosnia?
not yet.
two reasons: one, i hate when the people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
and two, to make a point: title does not dictate behavior.
if title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, i wouldn't be allowed to spit a mouthful of water at that guy. but i did, so my point is that people dictate their own behavior. hence, even though i'm a clerk in this video store, i choose to go rent videos at big choice. agreed?
i like to think i'm a master of my own destiny.
i know i'm your hero.
get to work.
hermaphroditic porn. starlets with both organs. you should see the box: beautiful women with dicks that put mine to shame.
i like to expand my horizons.
no way!
you're bullshitting.
i didn't think they even enforced this.
i thought you never sold cigarettes to kids.
really?
holy shit. that girl?
then how come you got the fine?
you're lying.
then why aren't you like screaming at me right now?
you're happy?
you're happy to get a fine?
now i know you're lying.
what did she say?
you're kidding.
wow. you've had quite an evening.
i feel so ineffectual. is there anything i can do for you?
what happened to title dictates behavior?
hey, what about veronica?
you're a snake.
you want me to bring the vcr over here so we can watch this?
all right, but you're missing out. chicks with dicks.
peptic ulcer.
ladies and gentleman, mrs. asian design major herself: caitlin bree!
i take it she likes the guy.
children's programming. what did your mom say when you told her you weren't engaged anymore?
wow, you got thrown out? for dante?
can i watch?
can i join in?
few are. so what makes you think you can maintain a relationship with dante this time around?
wow. hey, i was just about to order some dinner. you eat chinese, right?
exactly.
he went home to change for the big date.
no, this is great.
there's no light back there.
well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at five- fourteen every night.
nobody can figure it out. and the boss doesn't want to pay the electrician to fix it, because the electrician owes money to the video store.
and i'm caught in the middle-torn between my loyalty for the boss, and my desire to piss with the light on.
hey caitlin.  break his heart again this time, and i'll kill you. nothing personal.
territoriality. he was mine first.
bunch of savages in this town. hey, caitlin's in the back. you might want to see if she's okay; she's been back there a long time.
i told her that. she said she didn't need any. why don't you join her, man. make a little bathroom bam-bam.
fuck you.
maybe the asian design major slipped her some opium?
am i missing something here?
he was?
you dog! i didn't see you go back there.
i was here the whole time.
nobody! i swear!
you just fucked a total stranger?
why?
she said she did all the work.
around three or something.
i think four.
then how could she. you know.
this has gotta be the weirdest thing you've ever been called in on.
do you think he was talking about my cousin?
da-dum! da-dum! da-dum! da-dum! da- dum! da-dum!
salsa shark.
"we're gonna need a bigger boat."
"man goes into the cage; cage goes into the salsa; shark's in the salsa; our shark."
what? what's with you? you haven't said anything for like twenty minutes. what the hell is your problem?
this life?
have some chips; you'll feel better.
thirty-seven.
yeah.
that's all bullshit. you know what the real problem here is?
you should shit or get off the pot.
yeah, you should shit or get off the pot.
i'm talking about this thing you have. this inability to improve your situation in life.
it's true. you'll sit there and blame life for dealing a cruddy hand, never once accepting the responsibility for the way your situation is.
all right, if you hate this job and the people, and the fact that you have to come in on your day off, then quit.
it is. you just up and quit. there are other jobs, and they pay better money. you're bound to be qualified for at least one of them. so what's stopping you?
you're comfortable. this is a life of convenience for you, and any attempt to change it would shatter the pathetic microcosm you've fashioned for yourself.
i'm satisfied with my situation for now. you don't hear me bitching. you, on the other hand, have been bitching all day.
it's the same thing with veronica.
you date veronica because she's low maintenance and because it's convenient. meanwhile, all you ever do is talk about caitlin. you carry a torch for a girl you dated in high school-in high school for god's sake! you're twenty-two!
if you want caitlin, then face veronica, tell her, and be with caitlin. if you want veronica, be with veronica. but don't pine for one and fuck the other. man, if you weren't such a fucking coward.
am i right or what?
what? the dead guy? she'll get over fucking the dead guy. shit, my mom's been fucking a dead guy for thirty years; i call him dad.
melodrama coming from you seems about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
make them change.
who're you kidding? you can so.
so you'll continue being miserable all the time, just because you don't have the guts to face change?
lovely story.
so that's it. he doesn't love you anymore. he loves caitlin.
pretty much. all except the latent homosexuality part-that's just my theory.
don't hold it against him. he just never got caitlin out of his system. it's not your fault. it's dante. i don't know thing one about chicks. do you want to cry or something? i can leave.
you're not?
he didn't ask me to.
um, do you think you can give me a lift home tonight?
wait! veronica. i don't think.
what am i worried about? he'll probably be glad i started the ball rolling. all he ever did was complain about her anyway. i'm just looking out for his best interests. i mean, that's what a friend does, am i right? i did him a favor.
dante?
how's your eye?
it's hard to swallow.
you didn't have to choke me.
i thought i was doing you a favor.
you were saying how you couldn't initiate change yourself, so i figured i'd help you out.
you still didn't have to choke me.
why do you say that?
no, really. what did i do that was so wrong?
how do you figure?
like ten after.
to talk to you.
it's not like i'm miles away.
hermaphrodites! i rented it so we could watch it together!
fuck you. fuck you, pal. listen to you trying to pass the buck again. i'm the source of all your misery. who closed the store to play hockey? who closed the store to attend a wake? who tried to win back an ex- girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? you wanna blame somebody, blame yourself. "i'm not even supposed to be here today." you sound like an asshole. whose choice was it to be here today? nobody twisted your arm. you're here today of your own violation, my friend. but you'd like to believe that the weight of the world rests on your shoulders-that the store would crumble if dante wasn't here. well, i got news for you, jerk: this store would survive without you. without me either. all you do is overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job: you push fucking buttons. any moron can waltz in here and do our jobs, but you're obsessed with making it seem so much more fucking important, so much more epic than it really is. you work in a convenience store, dante. and badly, i might add. and i work in a shitty video store. badly, as well. you know, that guy jay's got it right-he has no delusions about what he does. us? we like to make ourselves seem so much better than the people that come in here, just looking to pick up a paper or-god forbid-cigarettes. we look down on them, as it we're so advanced. well, if we're so fucking advanced, then what are we doing working here?
i threw out the stuff that got broken. the floor looks clean.
got one. just pulled up.
same time. what about you?
you wanna grab something to eat tomorrow night. after i get out of here?
all right. good luck with veronica. if you want, i can talk to her, you know, and explain.
helluva day.
do you need a hug or something? 'cause i would have no hang-ups about hugging you. you know, you being a guy and all. just don't knead my ass when you do it.
i'm gone. i'll talk to you tomorrow.
you're closed.