hello.
yeah, i figured.
you hungry?
thirsty?
so how was sex with debbie? i've always wondered.
no problem. i just got fucked by this drummer cat. a really righteous negro hipster.
see, i believe in the brotherhood of man. last week i got fucked by an oriental. what are you?
that's what i thought. i had a jew, but he was sephardic. you look ashkenazi , i'm guessing.
right. ashkenazi.  i haven't balled one of them.
eh, i just don't get into all the bullshit between cats and chicks.
you know what i mean?
besides, you fall in love with a cat, you only get hurt. right?
we could ball if you want. i seem to like you pretty well.
yeah. that's true. i didn't think of that. well, i'm going to bed. nice meeting you.
penny.
oh, you're the one who wrote that palisades song. i love that song. it's such sentimental bullshit.
 so this ape and i were looking at each other. it was, like, across time and evolution. then he began to talk, but it was a language i didn't understand, maybe swiss. then he turned into perry como, real square and.  what's wrong with you?
just because we fucked, doesn't mean there are strings now. it's okay.
okay? i only wanted to tell you my dream is all. nothing more complicated than that. don't panic.
don't worry about it, i'm not into those games either. so, anyway, this monkey turns into perry como and i say --
what?
a show about monkeys?
no?
oh my god! oh my god! we gotta go celebrate! let's go roller skating!
okay. that's cool. call me after.
chuck, is that you throwing up?
sorry. i just been crashing here for a few days. waiting for you. where you been, man, where you been?
you drank the water, didn't you?
you're not supposed to. montessori's revenge. you're not even allowed to open your mouth or your eyes when you take a shower. it's crazy. how come our water is so good and their water is poison? it's the same ocean.
it's weird, huh? so i'm a hippy now. look.
i've been in san francisco, and it's amazing. everybody loves everybody and there's lots of colors. we're gonna change the world, chuck. come back with me and be my old man, okay? not that old! ha ha ha.
oh! you gotta hear this song!
"cause i made my mind up, you're going to be mine"
oh, it's a guy who called a couple a days ago. gold-bird. isn't it pretty?
damn mexicans and their water.
great wheels, man.
yeah, i really gork what you're saying, man.
oh. really?
outa sight! buy this one.
yay!
so, man, are you seeing anyone?
no. i think we should get married.
no, listen, it makes sense. you and i feel exactly the same about marriage, right? how much bullshit it is, right? and the odds of us finding someone else with the exact same view on it are small. so, it makes sense.
interpet.
well, do you have an extra "r" then i could borrow?
oh. okay.
all right.
you neither.
intrepet's a word, right?
shit fuck piss. okay okay okay.
you're tired.
since when?
like, just now ? you mean just now?
well, that's rude.
yeah, well, see ya.
what a waste.
that's not what i meant.
so i'm assuming this means monica is out of the picture.
chuck, i was thinking.  i have this plan now, now that you're free --
i always look cute. don't distract me. what was i going to say?
you do know. chuck, why don't we get married? we've known each other forever. we've fucked each other forever. you think i'm cute, you just said. you always come to me when you're in trouble. and you're almost forty, chuck.
i won't.
i'm not crying because you yelled at me. this is it, isn't it? this is us.
hey, i was just in the --
what is she doing here, man?
this is our house, man. our house! it's one thing to go elsewhere for your pussy needs. but this is our house!
it's our house! i found it with you. i decorated it for you! i spent six months sitting on that fucking couch she's fucking you on, fucking waiting for the fucking plumbers to come! god, you are such an asshole!
wanna see a stupid girl vomit?
why were you with that girl in our living room?
that's your defense? you know what it feels like to see you with someone else? in any living room.
you don't force me? fuck. so you're saying you have no interest in this, one way or the other?
well, then, what are you saying, chuck? do you want me around or not? do you even like me?
how much?
i need to know how much you like me.
you could if you felt it. if you felt it, it would be easy to rate me. you could spread your arms as wide as they would go and say, "this much, penny."
do you want me around or not? if you don't, just say so, so i know. okay?
but you just said you love me, right?
when you called, i wasn't gonna come.
i said to myself, enough. enough of this jerk already. enough.
but i've come upon something interesting through my delvings into human psychology. it's called ta, transactual analysis.
now see, by correcting me you're responding as "parent" to my "child." "here's the proper way to say this word, penny." but that's okay. as long as we both understand that's what you're doing. y'know, i'm okay, you're okay. so what's wrong, chuck? are you okay?
my god. everyone you know kills themselves. or tries. who is it this time?
why'd he do it?
is being a stagehand really bad or something?
who is this?
who's patricia? what does she mean, that's what she does for a living?
strawberry dick? what's that?
and.  and okay.  i'm only gonna give you one more chance, man. that's it. get it?
chuck? it's pen.
oh, chuck.
you sent me your last letter on hotel stationary.
i don't really. but i appreciate the lie. i know how you hate lying. boy, this place is scary looking.
i came to take you back to california with me. it's a lonely state without you.
i can't wait forever for you to ask me to marry you, you know. well, apparently i can. but i really don't want to. chuck.
i love you so much. you don't understand. i don't even know why. you're such a schmuck.
you're not gonna marry me, are you?
what's going on?
okay.
operation entertainment.
you said that already.
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