'friends come in all sizes that's a fact! it's true! all colors of the rainbow from mauve to blue.
their names may not be different and their shoes may not match one might say 'grasp' while the other says 'snatch' some like to toss while others like to caaaaatch.  beeee- caaaause.  friends come in all sizes take it from me! golly gee! size never matters when you want some friendly patter from a pal who is true and can lift you when you're blue you can count on him and he can count on yoooouuuu! it's true.  that.  friends come in all sizes!'
you want your kid on the show?
then don't tell me how to run my fucking business.
i'll call you if a spot opens up.
i was starting to think that maybe you weren't coming.
really? you know, i used to have dinner engagements. sometimes four, five a night. dinner.  drinks.  i was the toast of the fucking town.
cars, boats, whores and horses, i had 'em all. when i walked into a restaurant, ten guys reached for my hat. when i stood up to take a piss, they cleared the rest room. i'd walk down the street and traffic stopped, mouths gaped. you know why? you know why, frank? i was rainbow fucking randolph! that's why!
what? you're in a hurry? you don't have time for me? the guy who earned for you? the guy who put those fucking suits on your back and the pheasant au vin in your brooklyn mouth?
you gotta fix it, frank. you gotta get me my slot back.
how can i sit around while that rhinoceros.  that horned carpetbagger gets a free ride on my dime? you and i have history, frank! please!
don't do this to me, frank. i'm in deep, deep shit. they kicked me out of the corporate penthouse.  i got bookies breathing down my neck. i'm homeless! don't you hear what i'm saying? i'm not gonna make it! the clock's ticking! put yourself in my shoes, for christ's sake!
yes! exactly! that's what i'm trying to tell you!
you'll get yours, frank! the rhino too! do you hear me?! the wheels are turning!
sooner or later, even a guy who's squeaky clean falls into mud.
i saw you! i saw you in there.  at my table.  talking to him.
you're my agent! or did you forget that?
ah! they're beautiful! a perfect batch of cock cookies for a very special rhino.
oh yes, you're going to learn about shame, my dear smoochy. and i'm your professor.
bon soir, la smoochy. welcome to fatty arbuckle-land.
don't worry, little ones. rainbow randolph will return.  after these messages!
whatever that means, you fucking retard.
he's practically shaking as he suppresses an insane laugh.
give 'em a cookie.  give 'em a cookie.
are you fucking blind?! it's a cock! not a space ship! cock! cock!
open up, buddy! it's me, randolph! it's been a long time!
you fucking traitor! my body's barely cold and already you work for the rhino?
don't lie to me! i heard all about it! you strapped that horn on faster than a cheerleader gets the clap!
you're a krinkle kid! not a smooch-bag! say it!
say it: i am a krinkle kid! say it, before god! on the soul of jesus christ! say what you are!
i missed you so much. can i stay here? i got no place to go.
 they kicked me out of the corporate penthouse. big surprise. sons-a-bitches. that's how i got this beauty.
and of course, there's this.
that happened after my little visit to the studio the other day. network security. fucking savages.
i got liens, back taxes, lawyer's bills, threats against my life.  i basically got the whole fucking world up my ass. it's okay, i got a loooong memory, son. what dey sow, dey gonna reap.
it's the rhino, angie. he's been sent by the devil. sent from hell to destroy me. smoochy.  is the face of evil.
you better grow eyes on the back of your fucking head, you horned piece of shit! i won't sleep until the worms are crawlin' up your foam rubber ass! i'm going on safari, motherfucker.  safari!
hello, mr. mopes? my name is benjamin kunklepeck and i'm calling on behalf of 'parents for decency in children's television,' perhaps you've heard of us?
sir, we're having a banquet tomorrow and we'd be honored to have you perform for us. we would also like to present you with a plaque for your ongoing commitment to children's television. the presenter will be a young orphan with mild asthma. can you attend?
don't be silly. the chance to have smoochy the rhino perform at our little soiree? i'd carry you piggy-back through a bed of hot rusty glass if i had to.
i just looove your show, by the way. it's such a refreshing change of pace from that dreadful embezzler.  what's his name again? rainbow something or other?
yes. rainbow randolph. what a scoundrel! he's probably gay too.
yeah, yeah, yeah, but don't you take particular glee in that you basically stole his time slot? helped shovel dirt onto his miserable corpse, as it were?
come on, he's a fucking asshole! you hate him! admit it!
okay, they're ready for you!
well, we like to do these things no-frills. it's all about the kids.
knock 'em dead, kid!
hi there, poochy!
well, aren't you the cutest little boo-boo in the world!
for you, my dear! may you live to be a hundred!
fuck!
hiya, cutie!
so here's the good news: yes, i'll be happy to end my sabbatical and return to my old slot. i know you and frank are in a bind, so i'll start monday. call wardrobe, call props, tell 'em the r man is back and he's ready to start whistlin' dem happy tunes for da little chillens.
ahhh. who do ya gotta blow to get a scotch around here?
dammit, nora! the rhino's gone! you need that slot filled and i'm ready to reclaim what's rightfully mine.
okay, so maybe i commandeered a stray shekel or two. big deal! compared to what smoochy did that's like jerking off in the supermarket.
come on. have you lost all affection for me? after what we once had?
why we broke up i'll never know.
we could've worked through all that.
damn it, nora! the public is clamoring for me! i'm a fucking patriot! mopes is a nazi! he's evil! he's probably even gay! you should've seen the way he was checking me out in the car!
what does what mean?
no.  it's just a vibe! a nazi homosexual vibe! it emanates from the television! the whole smoochy costume.  with the erect horn.  i mean, what's that all about?
i still love you! let's go on a date!
you know, now i remember why we broke up. always with the accusations. bitch, bitch, bitch.
i'm trying to sleep, asshole! read the fucking meter some other time!
hey, this is private property, creep! and you're trespassing!
in a country like this, where your average citizen is a fuckin' neanderthal, i wear it as a badge of honor.
listen, i barely know that broad. she's a wacko. an opportunist. i'm the most accused man since jimmy hoffa.
that was unfair! who threw that? that was mean and uncalled for!
bad.  very bad.  too much for brain.  pressure building.  ears ringing.  eyes burning.  contempt overflowing.
i hate you! i fucking hate you!!! you devil-horned mind fucker! die, die, die!!
where am i supposed to go?
i'm the one who needs to be saved! me. i'm broke! i lost my lawyer! my only friend kicked me out! i'm a fucking peanut shell in the shape of a man! save the rainbow! save the rainbow! save the rainbow!
attention, new yorkers! you are about to hear a shocking story of injustice!
i urge you to listen! it has a surprise ending you won't want to miss!
it's the story of a venomous rhino and his aggressive campaign to slander, vilify, defame, denigrate and villainize my good name! but one thing he can't do, is take my life from me. no, friends, only i have the power to do that!
this is what smoochy has done to me! he's brought me to this! i can no longer live in a world where the innocent suffer and the wicked thrive!
where is god??!!
i'm sorry to do this, people. don't try to talk me out of it.
our guest of honor will be here any moment! this is for his eyes! for his conscience. he'll have to live with this imagine for the rest of his miserable life!
this is it, folks! it's showtime! i'm sorry to do this, but he's left me no choice!
shut up, you hillbilly assholes! you're borough trash! go back to your huts across the river!
fuck you! fuck all you people! i was the last of the mohicans! you'll never see another rainbow randolph in this lifetime! you had me and you blew it! all of you!
this if for you, smoochy! remember this! as long as you live, remember this image! you did this to me!
what does it all mean??!!
i didn't do it! i know you're still mad at me, but you gotta believe me.
mastermind? i can barely figure out how to unzip my pants these days. just taking a piss is a logistical nightmare.
i was an altar boy once. did you know that? i wanted to be a priest. do you believe in angels, angie?
there was a little angel in pigtails. she was the only one who cared about me. she saved my life.
perhaps it's time to heal. to accept the fact that smoochy has won and gracefully march forward. true, i'm currently wanted for a murder i didn't commit. but i have faith. faith that justice will prevail.
did you bring lunch?
chicken and stars?
can i have some, please?
motherfucker!!!!!!!
ah! how very cozy. like two logs in a little bonfire. all we need is a few sticks and some wienies.
i had her before you! pachyderm! i was in love with her! in love! and you snatched her away! like a common thief! you're the bad guy! not me! he's the bad guy, nora. he's incapable of understanding the love we once had! tender, yet passionate. old-fashioned, yet experimental. tell him about a few of our experiments, nora! tell him!
you're just another action figure for her collection!
tell him about jingle jackson!
the bells turned her on. hey, tell him about jumbo johnny! there's a tale for ya! a whale of a tale!
shut up! both of you! this is my show!
do you fully understand the power of a condemned man? do you? i'm already wanted for one murder, why should i give a flaming horse's twat if i commit two more?
oh, please. go blow yourself, martha. fix me a beverage, woman. make me one of those drinks that used to make us all warm and fuzzy before bouncy-bouncy time!
remember, i have mr. boomy.
you know, when i lived here i used to have a big painting above the fireplace. a naked chick holding a pumpkin. it was very tasteful. no bush.
oh! goody-goody gumdrops! vodka straight up is fine, sugar babe!
did you put on a little weight, honey? that's okay, you're still a hot little brood mare. i bet you miss the sweet sting of my riding crop. giddy up, pony!
'rainbow randolph is the man. yes he, yes he, is. he's the prez of rainbowland. yes he, yes he, is. with some fun, fun here, and a laugh, laugh there. here a dance, there a song, everything is fun, fun. rainbow randolph is the king, the king of rainbowland!'
stop! it's too hot! the heat! it's driving me mad!
go ahead, kill me! finish me off. my life's over anyway. everything i touch turns to shit. put me out of my misery.
would you be my friend?
you too?
sorry about the brood mare stuff.
thank you.
she's right, sheldon. don't make the same mistakes i did. keep your dignity intact.
son-of-a-bitch!
i tried.
be careful, sheldon. remember what i told you -- you've only scratched the surface of this scummy business. you have yet to strike oil.
you're lucky to have a guy like smoochy.
he's the real thing. smoochy's the real thing. and i've been a fraud. a wicked man doing wicked acts.
hellooo!
yes, angelo, my little twinkie, shouldn't you be getting ready for the big show?
buggy double d's? the dong man?
sheldon's in trouble. i gotta get down to the garden.
i don't care.
i have to warn the rhino.
sheldon!!!
give me that gun, you fucking wacked-out freak!
i don't know. i'm kind of fucked up in general, so it's hard to gauge.