yeah?
really? thanks. i would've done a longer set if that guy hadn't pulled a knife on the security guard. once the pepper spray starts flyin', that's it for the encores.
are you a new patient? on the juice, as we say?
'nora bishop. v.p. of development. kidnet.' good gravy. you work for kidnet?
well, it's a pleasure to meet you, nora. a real honor. hey, you hungry?
soy dogs.  never thought i'd live to see the day. organic, rich in natural protein, and nobody gets killed. although i do feel bad for the beans. just kidding. sure you don't want one?
so anyway, like i was saying, people always tell me, 'you gotta network, sheldon.  you gotta sell yourself.  or you'll be playing the drug clinics and shopping centers the rest of your life.' and you know what i tell 'em?
i tell 'em, it's not about the old handshake and back slap game. it's not about adding fuel to the shlock machine. it's about doing good work. having integrity. making people happy and delivering a positive message. foundations are built with concrete, not plaster of paris!
this is concrete! this is integrity!
sorry. as you can imagine, living by your convictions can be a little stressful at times.
see, i was raised by my grandfather, and grandpop paved driveways for a living.
thing is, he didn't really pave them. just covered them with black paint. of course, once the first rain came along, people realized they'd been swindled. i vowed to myself back then that i'd never make a living through deception. never. whadda ya think of them apples?
yeah, right. got any more jokes?
hold the phone. you're telling me that kidnet is finally ready to do a show of smoochy quality? of smoochy caliber?
i knew this day would come! after all these years i finally meet someone in the business who gets what i do. who gets what i'm all about. you get me, don't you, nora?
well, miss v.p. of development.  let's go make history!
okay, time out, people! if i may interject, i think we're putting the cart before the horse here.
smoochy's still earning the trust of the kids. we don't want to compromise that by asking them to buy shampoo and cheese. how 'bout we just concentrate on doing the best show possible. huh? without all the bells and whistles and rickata-rackita. what do you say, guys?
no problem, i'll get it.
hey, nora, wait up.
good meeting today. i thought we tackled some hot issues. although, i'll be honest, there were a few times that i felt my voice wasn't being heard.
i just want the show to have some weight, you know? some substance. silly songs, sure -- but with a message. pop quiz: how many original compositions are in the smoochy songbook?
try two thousand. covering every topic from how yummy vegetables are to the importance of donating plasma. don't you get it, nora? i'm a valuable resource. use me.
sure.
 no, no, you misunderstand me. it's not that i'm literally comparing captain kangaroo to jesus christ. i'm just saying that the captain, like christ, was someone you could believe in. those guys didn't care about bells and whistles and rickita-rackata. it was all about the work. especially jesus. forget about it.
that's okay, my good man. three's my limit.
back in my college days i could put away a carton of the stuff.
gee, thanks. i usually don't get recognized without my horn.
that's so sad. is it just me, or is that sad?
wow, you represented dicky gimble?
that's very amusing, but i don't care about smoochy dolls and smoochy floor wax.  i just want more creative input. this rhino came from my womb. i bore him, i nursed him, and dammit.
i should be the one who raises him!
it's funny, that never crossed my mind.
excuse me, nora. why was the 'please and thank you song' cut?
takes away? it enhances it! the cookie song is a meaningless piece of fluff without the 'please and thank you' coda! that's the moral anchor! that's where the lesson is! you can't sell the sizzle without the steak!
i can't do that. i will not condone children consuming endless amounts of refined sugar. i have to look myself in the mirror every morning.
you're treating me like a puppet. you know that? well, guess what? i am not your puppet.
we have different eyes, nora. when i go out there i see kids. you see wallets with pigtails.
what a special day with such special cookies!
rrrrrrrr! look at me, kids! i'm flying to the moon! i'm flying to mars! i'm flying to --
thank you all for coming. i just wanted to iron out a few wrinkles i feel we're having in the communication department. no finger-pointing. lord knows when you start pointing fingers, someone gets poked in the eye.
anyhoo, i'd like to turn the floor over to my new agent, mr. burke bennett. so.  heeeeeere's burke!
man, i love club soda.
burke, of course, is in no way comparing me to god.
to be fair, nora, i was booked to open a car wash in montauk.
i'm still in shock. complete creative control, part ownership of the show, discretion over merchandising and a dressing room with a toilet! am i dreaming or what?
boy, imagine.  me, living in a penthouse. who'd a thunk it.
jeez, i hope not. i have a deep respect for money. not to mention ben franklin who had some remarkable achievements in his lifetime.
what's this?
i've never owned a gun, i've never touched a gun, and i don't believe in guns. when i played cowboys and indians as a kid, i was always the chinese railroad worker.
hi there.
oh.  right. i saw you fight on tv once. i think it was your farewell bout.
you bet. that's a big one.
well, i don't know why if there's enough room here to.
i.  uh.  love you, too, spinner.
he seems pretty popular. it must take real talent to run a place like this.
whenever you get a chance.  i just need a second.
i'm sorry, you didn't have to hang up.
but i am still here.
nora, i want us to start off on the right foot. i want you to know that i value your input and i don't want you to feel intimidated just because the power structure has changed a bit. i consider you a partner.
well, i was never much of the do- se-do type, but what i would love to do is take you out to lunch one day. you know, just two colleagues chewing the fat.  forming a mutual respect.  planting the seeds of cooperation.
fair enough. if you change your mind --
okay then, i'll be in my office if you need me. if you want to brainstorm about anything. ideas and so forth.
ficus?
wow.
well, he's a very nice man. very sweet disposition for someone that size.
i'm sorry?
uh, that's a very sweet offer, and i love spinner, but tv is a complicated medium and.  i mean, that would be like me getting into the ring with a prizefighter. can you imagine such a thing? boom. k.o.! what's the alphabet, mommy?
you know what? maybe i can find spinner a little something to do on the show. that's probably the best solution.
look, i appreciate the visit, but i'm just putting together a little petting zoo segment. nothing fancy -- a few kittens.  maybe a duck.
jeez, this all sounds awfully elaborate. i might have to forgo the union and just borrow a few animals from a pet shop.
uh.  that's nice of you, ben, but a card would have been fine.
is this.  i mean.  are you offering me a bribe or something?
normally, sir, we take the trash out at the end of the day, but i think i'll make an exception in your case.
yes?
who?
hello?
what are you talking about?
burke, i never agreed to do an ice show.
ice shows represent everything i'm against. they're mindless spectacles whose main purpose is to sell overpriced sugar-water and cheap plastic toys that splinter in a kid's mouth on the ride home.
until now. smoochy doesn't sell out, burke. you should be proud of that. proud that you represent a client who paves driveways, not paints them over.
i'll have a pineapple juice, sandy.
i'm feeling feisty tonight.
yeah, that was great, spinner. just watch your elbow next time. pinky's probably gonna lose that tooth.
he is not a mental patient. he's an ex-boxer and nightclub owner who happens to have the sweet innocent brian of a five-year-old!
hi.
thanks anyway, but i'm going uptown.
if you're hoping for an autograph, the gun's a bit much. the whole 'catch more flies with honey' thing -- it really holds water.
you raise money to build children's hospitals, right?
you know, i never agreed to an ice show, nor would i ever agree to do an ice show, and let me add that none of this is your concern, sir. sheesh.
well, i appreciate the offer, but for the gazillionth time, i'm not doing an ice show, so we have nothing to discuss. now, if you'll just pull over, i'll get out and we'll say our toodley-dos. far corner, please.
this is unacceptable, burke! i'm calling the authorities.
i was threatened by an organization that's supposed to help children! what kind of world is this?
sure.
uh.  are you okay?
oh. well, not to make you feel worse, but with alcohol you're also consuming empty calories.
wow. i'm honored.
why don't we get some air?
well, it wasn't as bad as the week before when you called me a pasty- faced, no-talent hack.
i guess i didn't want to spoil your fun. you look so content when you're berating me.
believe me, i'm learning that more and more every day. 'sometimes light is really dark, sometimes crows can sing like larks sometimes winter feels like spring, don't think you know everything.'
you remember rickets?
that's how i felt! rickets had real depth. he was my inspiration for smoochy.
i can't believe it. i never met anyone who even remembers rickets. do you remember the klunky-wunky dance?
i'm sorry. that was a mistake, right? i didn't mean for that to hap--
no, no.
yes, yes.
shhh.  you don't have to explain.
why?
what's wrong? is it the whiskey? if you have to throw up, be my guest. anywhere you like.
hello?
no, but i like where you're coming from. it's an issue very close to my heart. why just yesterday i was commenting --
thanks for picking me up, mr. kunklepeck. it's very nice of you.
well, it's always a pleasure to help out a worthy cause. and believe me, i've learned lately that it's not all sunshine and daffodils in the land of non- profit.
randolph.
oh, i don't know. i feel sorry for him, actually. he obviously has problems or issues that he needs to sort out.
no, i would never take pleasure in someone's downfall. you know the old expression about walking a mile in another man's shoes? well, that really holds water. just try to imagine --
uh.  can we listen to the radio?
i gotta say, this is a first -- i never performed in a tractor parts warehouse before.
amen to that.
it's my sincere hope that i'm dreaming right now, but in the event that i'm not.  what's the deal with the swastikas?
this is a mix-up! i'm innocent! i don't hate anyone!
wait! i didn't say that! i --
i have to talk to you.
don't tell me you believe what they're saying!
perform? i barely sang one song.
nora, i had no idea that was a nazi function. none whatsoever!
the papers are blowing that out of proportion. it was nowhere near that big.
but what about the balcony? what about the klunky-wunky dance?
hell of a world.
i wouldn't be back here if it wasn't for you.
well, this town's a house of mirrors sometimes. it's hard to know what you're looking at.
easy, spinner. watch the ribs, buddy.
i missed you too, champ.
sure, why not.
yes. some very good news. after giving it a lot of thought.  i've decided to do the ice show.
i realize now it's a sin to waste your power.
but here's the really good news: i'm doing it myself. no sponsors, no vendors, no crooks. not one dirty hand will touch this. not one person will make a dollar off these kids. smoochy on ice will be a study in purity.
as far as food concessions go, i'll supply the refreshments. for free. low sodium, whole wheat pretzels and apple slices. healthy stuff. now are you ready for the best part?
all profits from ticket sales will be used to built a state-of-the- art methadone clinic in coney island.
i'm not just talking a run-of-the- mill clinic.  i'm going to build a methadone palace. a place where men and women can withdraw in luxury.
you always told me, when you've got muscles you make the rules. well, i'm feeling pretty strong right now.
all this time i was letting the business use me. well, i think it's time i start using the business. i've got my clout back and i'm not gonna waste it this time. take care of it, burke.
whatever i can do, tommy, just say it. you know i love spinner. and i owe you.
you're too talented for the cowbell, spinner. cowbells are for babies.
that's right. you're a fully grown man. with whiskers.  and scars.  the whole sha-bang. that's why you deserve a bigger role on the show. a more important role.
it's fine, spinner. we'll edit it out. but tomorrow in rehearsal we're gonna work on a new thing called 'the importance of hitting your mark.'
hi.
yeah, the papers seem to be really covering it.
thanks.
don't worry. spinner just needs a little more rehearsal. i'll get him there.
i guess i'm still readjusting a little. like a guy who's come back from the war. not that i'd equate my misfortune with the
it's my fault. he'd still be alive if it wasn't for me. he would have been so proud to be in the ice show.
i'm sorry, spinner. i'm so sorry.
maybe you better leave it to the police.
that's okay, tommy. i'll be fine.
didn't rickets the hippo have a song about death?
what's that?
are you sure? the cops have tons of evidence on randolph.
well, god help those guys now. they're gonna get a first-class ride through the criminal justice system, and i'm buying the tickets.
what does that mean?
do we really need to hear this? i don't want to hear this.
okay, got it.
thank you! specifics about his head are superfluous at this point.
what are you talking about?
who's takashi?
is this true? please tell me it's just the confused ramblings of a diseased mind.
holy mother of toledo. when exactly were you planning to let me know about this?!
you dated jingle jackson?
oh good lord in heaven.
i.  uh.  read once that the best way to diffuse a tense situation is with a little humor. to that end, would you like to hear a funny joke?
i'm telling you, you'd love this joke. it revolves around santa claus and the easter bunny getting into a fender bender.
we'll go to the police, first thing tomorrow.  straighten everything out.
is this what you want? a hansel and gretel ending?! you want to be the big bad wolf?
you're not nothing. you're bitter, misguided and i'm guessing a raging alcoholic, but you're still rainbow randolph. despite everything that's happened, you once made children happy.
sure.
just making the playing field even. i'm tired of running this race with one leg.
i appreciate everyone's concern, but i can take care of myself.
okay, buddy, we have to get down to the garden. you're welcome to stay here as long as you like. just don't leave until i get things squared away.
well, we all have our bad days.
this is for spinner.
you were behind the spinner hit, weren't you?
you're right. there's just one thing.
i'm not smoochy.
i finally realized we're living in a different jungle.
stay out of it, tommy. this is my business.
i don't know how i got pushed this far.
tommy, you're not going to --
you know, a little grime here and there doesn't change the fact.  it's still a beautiful city.
no it's not. it's just beginning.