be positive, armando. course it will. the claw inadvertently snags a rabbit's foot.
look. see what a lucky fuck i am?
so do i. the claw catches the ring and closes on it. quick cuts of their faces as the crane rises. a very pretty lady. a beefy latino with a two-day beard. their apprehension. tommy's confidence. then his exceptional smile. he gets the ring.
okay -- one down, one to go. you got quarters, loretta?
that's a diet ginger ale, an extra- spicy virgin mary no salt, a club soda -- good choice -- a lime rickey, and a bourbon and a planter's punch. five people, five drinks.  it's kismet! tommy turns away, looking toward the entrance to the room.
that's a vodka tonic, a pellegrino, lime and no ice, a gin gibson straight up with ex-tra onions -- i am also fond of de onions -- and a chardonnary spritzer. also with extra onions -- no, no, do not worry, that is just a little joke. there will be no onions whatsoever in your spritzer! he laughs hugely, rather amused with himself. the guests aren't.
mr. memory? do not make me laugh! he laughs hugely, turns, takes two steps away and makes absolutely no effort to get their drinks. he looks toward the door. 7 int. hallway. entrance to function room - day 7 loretta approaches the function room, where pert debbie, wearing a johnson for congress button, staffs a felt- covered table. on a nearby easel, a photo of a silver- haired man with a legend in blue and gold: jeff johnson.
absolutely my friend! how can i pleasure you?
ah! fire and ice! wonderful! but may i suggest you make that a double sir? after all, so many guests, so few of me -- who knows when i may be back?
yeah? what you want?
that wasn't me! you must be thinking of jamal. i'm karim. what you want?
hunh. he walks two steps. and once again makes no attempt to get the drinks. zeke returns to jeff johnson.
no! please! do not report me! i will be deported!
i told the cia everything! i agreed to poison the pineapples! my green card is in the mail!
nothing.
valuable? we can almost see the light bulb click on above bruno's head.
a hundred and five? bruno snorts agreement, goes for his wallet.  tommy goes gor the ring.  then suddenly leaps back in a cringe!
no! it's a trick! you will call me a thief and send me back and the security police will make me stand on my head in the guano pit! i have seen such things on cnn! bruno snaps and grabs tommy by the collar.
no, no.  it is a trap! i must turn this over to police. he starts to leave. bruno grabs him.
how big is this.  reward? another lightbulb.
you said 'thousands.'
no, no, no. you said thousands. with an 's'. this is plural. this means "two or more thousands."
or more. two or more. bruno's had enough -- his grip tightens around tommy's neck.
just making a point. 15 in hotel lobby at the cashier's desk bruno slides a 15 check to the cashier, who counts a stack of bills. bruno picks up a house phone, dials.
i remember.  you were the sloe gin fizz and the mango daquiri? with perhaps a small umbrella for the lady?
and would you still be wanting the umbrella then?
i'm in the wrong business.
the best li'l roper in america! but she doesn't want the charm.
busted? moi? fuck no. he pulls out the wad of bills. their faces brighten considerably.
that look like busted?
you don't want to know.
grandma -- i told you. i'm not a thief. i'm a con man. an artist.
but i only con crooks, grandma. you can't con an honest man. only somebody who wants something for nothing. but the good lord must have been fond of pigeons, because he made so many of them.
you mean, dead?
see? i told you tv advertising works. he opens the phone and speaks in a toneless, recording- like voice.
hello. you have reached girls of many nations. for hot blooded italian wildcats, press "one" now. for perky american cheerleaders, press "two" now. for a sultry swedish love goddess, press "three" now.  he covers the mouthpiece and calls to loretta.
bingo! loretta. guy wants to speak to inga.
ja, this is inga. hello paul.  how are you tonight? you are feeling naughty? that's all right . you have your what in a bowl of oatmeal? yes, that is very naughty, and maybe a little sick.
oh no! it's my husband lars. he's home early, i must go before . you want to talk to lars too? so you like to talk dirty out of both sides of your mouth. man, you are one twisted bastard! laughing, he hangs up.
sorry, grandma, just getting a third minute out of him. he clicks off the phone and slams it back into loretta's purse. loretta, meanwhile, has reappeared.
what's up, grandma? are you embarrassed to show my picture around the pool?
what did you say, grandma?
homer! get your ass over here!
loretta! get off the damn phone!
"this better be good." loretta! on loretta on the pay phone, moaning in swedish ecstasy.
goddammit, inga, is it that pervert again! damn! he smacks the receiver with his hand.
listen, you little shit -- i just spent eight years in the joint, nobody talks to my woman like that! i got your adress, i got a machete, i got two rotweilers.  i'm gonna come to your house and tear your ass up!
my friends, i want to tell you about a town where the streets are paved with gold. this is a town where the marks give you money before you ask. a town where they take you to dinner after you fuck 'em. a town where when they need money, they just print more. this is a town where a guy bounced nine hundred checks and he didn't even have to skip town!!!
no. washington, d.c. i'm going to run for congress. his big smile meets their blank surprise. their faces fall.
van dyke. you remember willie sutton?
you remember what he said? they asked him, why do you rob banks? and he said, that's where the money is. i tell you, people -- washington. that's where the money is.
i found this shit in the library. you know how much a congressman makes? a hundred and thirty a year -- and that's just base pay for getting your ass elected. then there are these things called pacs, and these lobbyists, whose whole point in life is to buy you off. it's the con of a lifetime -- and the damn thing is, it's legal! this is hot, people, we can do this!
you never heard of staff, armando? i get in, i get a staff allowance of five hundred and thirty-seven grand a year -- loretta wolf-whistles.
-- which i will generously share with you.
not for me, homer. for jeff johnson. name recognition -- that's what it's all about. you think folks know their congressman died? i get on the ballot as jeff johnson, i guarantee they'll vote for me. now all's i have to do is get on the ballot.
which is where you folks come in. all's we have to do is collect five thousand six hundred twenty five signatures.
you people got a better idea?
okay.  gimme the four-one-one on these silver foxes again. it's a bunch of old folks who like to vote?
ah.
so all i have to do is snow one old lady. don't sound like major surgery.
mrs. rifkin.  i want to run.
what i mean is.  i'd like to run for congress on the silver fox ticket. i care about you and your issues.
because i can win.
mrs. rifkin, if you give me a ballot line, and if i can get support from.
sure, but.  besser die viller ein der kenner. hattie cracks up. tommy leans over and translates for van dyke:
she said, 'if my grandmother had balls, she'd be my grandfather.'
the same place i learned to hustle shtarkers at gin rummy. from morris elfbein.  the gin king of miami beach.
he taught me a great deal. he taught me you don't always need the best cards to win.
oh, i have a name.
no ma'am. my name is johnson. jeff johnson. the name you know.
you leave that to me, mrs. r.
he was a great man, mrs. johnson. he did so much for my people.
oh, yes. i'll never forget when he said 'welfare is a drug -- and you gotta kick it cold turkey.' it was.  inspirational.
and i was actually in the audience when he said, 'if you people would just get off your dead asses and look for work, this country might be fit to live in again.' powerful stuff.
wilson-pickett state teachers college. but i didn't just come to pay respects, ma'am. i came because your husband deserves an archive. a place where scholars can study his legacy. a storehouse for the record of his remarkable career.
oh, not just his papers, mrs. johnson. everything. buttons, posters, bumper stickers. all the paraphernalia of his campaigns -- proof of his political genius. now i realize that you may have a sentimental attachment to a few items.
i beg your pardon.
well, i don't think that's necess.
well, um.  no.
actually, ma'am, i should be getting back.
look, i, um, have a class to teach. you know how blind students are.  they're so dependent. don't worry ma'am.  your materials will be in good hands.
we're not going to show you jeff johnson waving a flag. we're not going to show you jeff johnson kissing babies. we're not going to show you jeff johnson doing anything, because you already know what jeff johnson can do.
tomorrow, vote for jeff johnson. the name you know. a very puzzled vera johnson watches the ad on tv. 34 series of shots - night 34 the congressional district sleeps. but in the darkness, a kind of d-day onslaught is under way. quick super- imposed cuts of tommy's secret army of silver foxes, opening crates, fanning through parking lots, swarming over lawns, driving in stakes, tacking up posters everywhere. include tommy climbing a telephone pole.  armando shinnying up a light pole across the street.  loretta and van dyke pulling on a rope.  which hoists a huge bundle to tommy.  who opens and unfolds it.  and gets an end through the air to armando. they unfurl the biggest banner imaginable.
jeff johnson. the name you know. in a different appropriate accent.
thank you, thank you, all of you, for your help. give yourself a round of applause. they do. as applause continues , camera pans from reporter to reporter to reporter, their mikes bearing the call-letters of different channels. on grandma being interviewed. she wears a johnson for congress button and speaks with manifest pride.
we ran a positive campaign. we campaigned on the issues. the issue is leadership. leadership for the future. ask not what you can do for your country. the people have spoken. the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. if you can't stand the heat stay out of the kitchen. live free or die. and in conclusion. read my lips!
the promised land.
reinhardt, my man! of course! you look just like i pictured you. nice wing tips.
i like your initiative, reinhardt, but to tell you the truth, i've never been much of a student. maybe you can brief my staff sometime. reinhardt looks tommy's cronies over. not your classic hill types.
but thank you, i will take you up on those logistics. hey! entourage! what hotel we at?
reinhardt, it appears that the staff has neglected to nail down some details.
four rooms.
you're a wizard, reinhardt. i knew you could handle it.
so when does the house open for business? reinhardt hasn't heard it put quite that way before. reinhardt gets his courage up.
i'm sure i did.
that's quite an offer, reinhardt, very decent of you, but i'm just a social drinker.
really. tommy looks at his own troops, then back to reinhardt.
you mean like an affirmative action thing? tommy opens the cab door.
tell you what -- i'll think about it, okay? tommy gets in and closes the door.
thanks for getting us settled, really appreciate it. madison hotel.
that's okay, they're with me. sixth floor please. cannon 609. i'm going to my office.
i am a member. now take us to six before i haul your ass in front of the committee on disrespectful behavior.
wait here. he heads further into the office.
you again!
what is this shithole?
this.
i missed what lottery?
what else did i miss, reinhardt?
you're shaking me down, aren't you? tommy laughs, then clasps reinhardt's shoulders.
this is fantastic, reinhardt. i haven't been here five minutes, and you're shaking me down. god, i'm gonna love this town. you're hired, man. just tell me what to do next. i don't want to miss out on any of the good shit.
let's meet some natives. tommy leads her over to two men, 30s, excellent haircuts. both wear pins. he extends a hand.
tommy johnson, how'd you do, nice party, heck of a railroad station, isn't it?
no, i couldn't, it was my princeton reunion.
that's right.
and it's tommy. my friends call me tommy. "jeff" is my.  professional name. so what line of work were you boys in before you got elected? you lawyers or something?
fine, but i'm gonna be real offended if either of you miss my reception. they leave.
i think we have to have a reception. at the buffet, as tommy and loretta help themselves generously to oysters and champagne, they overhear two members passing by.
we're in the majors, doll. 62a the balcony is full of people working one another. as 62a tommy and loretta pass some large stone statues, a man extends his hand -- liquor lobbyist ken korngold.
tommy johnson. distilled spirits, is that right?
pleasure's all mine, ken, hope you can make it to my reception. do you happen to have a card?
you now what i love about this place? the way everyone calls you a member. every time i hear that, it makes me think of mr. happy here.
don't you be peeing on my shoe. they go to the sinks. the member introduces himself.
you got a cd? shit, i missed that, too.
ohhh. tommy johnson. florida. so iowa -- how'd you get to washington? you do the crop report on tv? iowa has a big open face and a flat midwestern voice.
war hero?
wait a minute. what's wrong in washington?
that's alright, iowa -- this place could use a few geeks like you.
hey.  thank you.  nice to see you.  hope you can make it to my reception. have y'all met miss loretta? tommy's tablemate is lawyer-lobbyist tommy o'connor, 40s. as waiters serve lobster bisque, he hands tj a business card.
who's olaf andersen?
and how much of that do you get?
tommy, i think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
well, i would have, but i just got to town. it's an honor to meet you, sir. a real privilege. this is miss loretta.
excuse me, mr. chairman, but this ain't no homo shit we up to, is it?
well.  of course.  it's a chance to do something for my country. i mean, there's the topsoil thing, and acid rain is killing the cattle --
no one sent me.
kid's got his talents.
no bullshit?
opportunity knocks. this town is the fuckin' yukon. a stunned silence from dodge -- then deep and generous laughter.
food.  drinks.
you're on cheese. i'll handle booze. he reaches for the phone.
ken! ken korngold! tommy johnson here.  right -- last night. how's it going, big guy?
actually, that's why i'm calling, ken. you said if i needed some help --
tell you what i have in mind. i was just thinking, wouldn't it be a plus for old ken korngold if i was to -- how should i put this -- showcase some of his distillers' products at my reception? you know, like they put reese's pieces in e.t.? it's called "product placement." people come in, they have a tremendous time, they see your products, they think well of you -- and they think well of me, too. it's good for both of us, ken. what do you say?
i do.
honorarium. i like that. loretta appears with a platter of food.
what is this? where's the cheese?
oh, that's just wonderful. sixty heavy hitters drop in, and i'm feeding 'em cat food. he breaks off, as celia comes into view in the doorway behind. tommy picks her up on his radar.
we'll talk about this later. we follow tommy through the crowd until he reaches celia.
hi there. glad you could make it. so you're.  celia kirby. that's an extremely beautiful name. for an extremely beautiful woman.
whoa, slow down.
what if i said.  me?
don't worry about it. why don't we just start over again?
ah. pro bon. that's an extremely beautiful name. for an extremely beautiful organization. um.  what is it?
why don't you brief me over dinner tonight?
yeah, sure, we'll type it up on the schedule, it'll be an appointment, except with wine and flowers on the table.
won't you at least stay for a drink and some herring?
well then, can i tempt you with a smelt?
i love the way you say that. she slips out through the sea of revelers.
tommy johnson.
i plan to be as good a congressman as all the others.
well, ever since i got back from nam, i've wanted to do something about the rain forest --
is this good news?
so.  this is very good news.
so what do you want from me, dick?
yeah? well, i'm not. i'm suspicious. one thing i've learned is, when somebody gives you something for nothing, the nothing ain't nothing. it's something. what is it? why me? reinhardt puts his hand on tommy's shoulders.
keep talking.
pleased to meet you, barclay. warburton's voice is aristocratic, a la george plimpton.
skeeter.
"tommy. please. been called that since reform school." dodge chuckles, shakes his head in mock rebuke. tommy takes his seat at the lower dais, smiles at the members on his left and right.
let me start with a confession. i don't know much about poultry. but i do know something about people. and let me tell you: i like you people. so when you have something to say about poultry, i listen. thank you very much. he sits down to generous applause. on armando, in attendance, clapping, marveling at the response tj gets.
my man. he blows a kiss to a pretty teller in the credit union. passing the barber shop, he calls out to the shoeshine guy. he passes a black telephone man at an open panel of wires.
sweet sue. third race at santa anita.
hey, how you folks doin', good to see you, van dyke making you comfortable? tommy hits a button on a tape deck, turning on some easy
be with y'all shortly. behind the divider, outside tommy's office door, tommy has a word with reinhardt. tommy indicates his office.
she in there? reinhardt nods. tommy gives himself a couple of squirts of binaca.
stick around for this, reinhardt. i've finally figured something out about the women in this town.
that's all right. they can wait.
wait a minute, you just got here. i clean my calendar, and you're out the door. let's back up, give this stuff the attention it deserves. car insurance.  ira, what do you pay?
six-fifty? highway robbery! a chop shop wouldn't give you more than a hundred forty for a junker like that. or so i've heard. but i'm flying blind here, i need depth. could miss kirby put together a briefing? maybe schedule a saturday or two to really dig into the issues?
i'm sure you do.
whoa, whoa, hold on, what about child safety?
great! about time! i hate imported toys. what about food additives? how about we block out a few evenings, you can take me through the details.
saturday night?
let's get serious, fellas. 93 int. catacombs - night 93 tommy, marshall, and the bulldog, back in suits, exit the members only door and move through the catacombs.
yeah, he's taking a real shine to me.
nothing wrong with letting the chairman of the ethics committee roll you once in a while.
so eli, how come you haven't asked for my help with your amendments?
i'm nobody's boy, mister.
i'm no different from anyone else.
you know, eli, i like you, i really do. you remind me of my father.
he thought i was scum, too. bells begin ringing and lights flashing on all the clocks and sconces down the corridor. three rings, pause, three rings, pause.  marshall does a u-turn. tommy doesn't follow suit.
vote? is that what that is? we got a pool going in the office on when it'll go off next.
yes, it was.
i voted "nay." it's a terrible bill. it'd destroy the fabric of american life.
hey, rafe! tell these kids what that vote was about.
guy's got a real knack for explaining things.
which means?
you're in excellent hands, kids.
thank you, tommy. i love you too.
sugar price supports. where do you think i should be, tommy?
you pick.
you tell me.
i'll stick with the salad.
if i vote for the labels. then i get money from the dairy industry.
and if i vote against the labels, i get money from the frozen food guys.
a pepperoni lobby. i love this town.
fuck the cheese people. thanks to them my office smelled like smelt for a week.
so tommy, tell me -- with all this money on every side, how does anything get done?
no, i was just wondering how much of this is a statutory problem, and how much is a regulatory one? i mean, didn't the merton act cover most of this?
well, for merton to apply you have to show high contagion. sounds to me like your contagion rates are no higher than the common clod. in b.g., reinhardt dives forward to his keyboard and begins correcting his typo. celia looks puzzled.
common cold. must have picked up a little dyslexia over the weekend.
you're also impressively pretty.
you're right. sorry. excuse me a second. arthur? without explanation, he throws his pencil hard out of frame.
must have had a heart attack.
did you miss me?
oh, a fact-finding mission, some issue conferences, a few speaking engagements, a charity event.  the usual.
hey. have lunch with me tomorrow.
what is it -- the ozone layer? no fault? killer apples?
you remembered! that means you missed me.
so, how'd you end up hustling for pro bono instead of pesticides? i mean, you could have been a big- time lawyer, right?
at a hundred grand a year, how depressed can you get? doesn't it depress you to lose all the time?
so why do you do it? she skips a stone on the water.
say it.
grandma like jefferson. y'know, "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." it's a lot to live up to, so i specialized in the last part.
fine'til i met you. now. the better i do, the worse i feel. they have stopped walking. they are standing close together. they kiss.
so. when can i see you again? how about dinner saturday night? she shakes her head.
brunch?
this is one hell of a date.
uncle eli?
your niece?
how could i have missed the family resemblance?
ladies! looking good! how can i help you folks today! but hattie rifkin and her troops will have none of it.
the medical association made a persuasive case. ten grand from their pac, plus christmas in aspen.
yeah, well, then it's thanks for the memories, and on to the next gig.
which is?
wait a minute. you're talkin' 'bout my re-election?
fifty? sixty?
i can think of worse places to get life.
so how do i get the silver foxes off my ass?
what's that mean?
look what i won! must be that new racket. armando has come out to hear this.
wait. what happened to you?
the others?
what?
i never heard of that. mickey pulls a stack of journals and xeroxes from her book bag and gives it to her mother, who in turn gives the materials to tommy.
oh, they'll be read.
this is mickey's school?
but isn't the school district responsible?
nice.
do you believe it?
but why isn't it being investigated?
money talks.
there must be something i can do for those people.
shit, i hope not -- it'd be a fucking nuisance in congress.
no shit. oh, yeah, i met one of those geeks. so what can i do?
yeah, right -- people ought to know if their neighborhoods are killing them.
speaking of hopeless causes.  they kiss, and slide out of frame.
whatever you're having.
cheers. dodge downs his drink. tommy follows suit.
why, thank you, mr. chairman. you know, to tell you the truth, i didn't know you'd be on my side on those power lines.
but you said you were sympathetic --
but you said --
the boys here have told me a lot about you.
good to meet you.
chivas on the rocks?
yeah, what a coincidence. i thought this little party might be for me. you may not like this. i think we should hold those hearings.
how'd you know i met the parents group?
but there are studies that say --
but what if you're wrong? as tommy persists, andersen looks increasingly angry.
people didn't use to say smoking causes cancer, either. what if the evidence is just building, and some day we wake up and discover that your power lines are killing us?
all i'm saying is, maybe we should hold hearings to look at --
maybe i should think about it.
mmmm.
who?
oh -- i, uh, haven't asked him yet.
it wasn't the right moment. besides, i was thinking, maybe i ought to line up some other members first -- you know, get my ducks in a row.
oh, i don't know.
how did you know that?
that's not a question, is it?
no, no -- i've still got my right nut, i can work with that.
sure, why not. marshall takes a boiled crab from the platter between them, places it on the butcher paper in front of him, christens it --
you know, eli, sometimes people do things they regret. everyone makes mistakes. fact is, dick's been under a lot of pressure lately --
what do you mean?
i'm not a yes-man. when dick says no, i say no. marshall smashes down again with the mallet. crab carnage.
oh, yeah? what do they have on you?
shit, that ain't no secret.
eli, this is loretta hicks, from my staff. loretta, congressman marshall.
you know reinhardt, my aa? marshall nods. reinhardt turns to tommy.
i'm packing it in.
thanks, i'll walk. i could use the air.
loretta! please! your mouth!
i need an ambulance right away.
evening, mrs. dodge, tommy johnson here, sorry to call at this hour, is dick back from the gridiron dinner yet? could i speak with him for just a moment?
how did you know?
i went out with marshall. we got into an accident. he's out cold. i'm okay.
no. someone else. loretta. dodge recovers his equilibrium.
yeah. she's out, too. i don't like the way it looks. for anybody. look. you said you wanted to get back into marshall's good graces. well, here's an opportunity.
oh sweet jesus.
i have to talk to you.
i was set up!
no, someone screwed him --
celia, something stinks here --
if you'd give me a chance to --
celia --
under. she tries her hand at a false shuffle.
not bad, kid. you've got potential.
i am. he takes the deck from her, fans it face up, pulls all the kings and aces, stacks them on top, and squares the deck.
this is one's called the double duke. how many players?
who's the mark?
your deal. she deals out six hands in a circle on the ground.
look at the sucker's hand.
look at your hand. she turns over her own hand. it has the four aces. mickey looks at the power lines, at the hands, at tj. then, understanding:
something very important.
"i keep my ear close to the ground." his ear my ass. he had an inside man.
we got bigger fish to fry, darlin'.
the big con.
dick always said i should think big.
you people gone soft on me? bunch of fuckin' incumbents i got here. now listen up. thursday morning dodge has a breakfast with the arts caucus in the longworth room. armando -- find out how fast i can get from longworth to my office. loretta -- we need some scoop from the epa for the roper, i'll give you a list. van dyke -- call hattie at the silver foxes, and --
right on the nose. he throws open the bay window of the narrow house. just below is a pickup truck with "homer's pit stop" lettered on the side. homer gets out.
my man! the others come to the window to see homer, still wearing his fuel-smeared overalls, and shout greetings.
now let's get to work.
eli marshall caught his tail in a crack, didn't he?
you kept my name out of it.
i owe you one.
do me one favor, dick. next time you pull some heavy shit involving my ass, tip me off, okay?
thanks. listen, reinhardt, something's come up, and i don't quite know how to handle it. there's a guy from the epa -- i don't know him -- says he wants to see me. tonight. out of the office. alone, he says. sound of it makes me nervous. i'd feel better if you were there.
mr. yancey?
he's my aa. he goes where i go. if you can trust me, you can trust him. homer eyes reinhardt a moment, then continues.
what have you got?
nothin' comes for nothin' in this town, do it? you got any cash on you? i'm kind of light.
this stuff's pretty good?
okay. sunday. fifth race at del mar. blueboy is running twenty to one. i'd take a major position.
no, not at all -- my cousin henry spends his days pumping water into horses' stomachs and stuffing percodan up their butts. trust me. reinhardt is interested in this. and he admires tommy's m.o.
why did the white house change its mind?
is there new evidence?
and what good is this to me?
i ain't got no cousin henry.
got a minute, dick? tommy takes him aside. the room empties except for them.
listen, dick, i heard something. there's got to be some bid'ness in it. tommy very discreetly gestures with his thumb and palm: money.
maybe we can go in on it together.
the epa is going to make a stink about power lines. the white house is pushing them to do a big study.
nothing gets by, do it? tommy touches his nose, in tribute to the master.
i -- i hope it wasn't my press conference that started this.
so do you think there's something in it for us?
and how do we do that?
and you're going to -- ? tommy makes a squeezing gesture, grins.
that's allowed?
dick, wait a minute -- shouldn't we check out the tip? make sure the epa's really going through with this investigation?
who?
there's a vote on the floor. -- and ducks into the stairwell.
the administrator. loretta picks up the phone.
warbuton here. thank you. mr. chairman! i do hope there's something i can help you with today.
off the record?
i was looking forward to some serious sailing this week -- tish and i have a lovely spot right by kennebunkport. instead, here i am at three in the morning, writing testimony to your committee about cancer clusters.
not at all. you must come sailing with us. cheers. bye-bye. tommy passes the phone back to loretta.
next.
olaf? olaf, zeke bridges. listen, you sum' bitch, i'm so mad, i can't sit down to shit. have you heard what i heard? intercut with andersen.
the epa's fixing to make a big stink about power lines and cancer. they're going to serve us up for breakfast.
proof don't mean shit. we're talking politics. they make a federal case out of power lines, i'm screwed. whole insurance business is screwed. you know how much cash i'd have to pay out in settlements? even if i stiffed everybody on claims, the legal fees'd be enough to kill me.
you better believe it. you're screwed, too. every hot dog trial lawyer in america soon be lining up to sue both our asses. we got to move on this, olaf. if i wasn't tied up here, i'd go to washington myself. shouldn't you be getting on a plane? just between us -- you find a way to stop this, i'll find a million bucks if i have to.
how do we play it?
between us. it's not that much -- what can you get for half a million these days?
good government.
hi.
look. whatever you think of me, just promise me one thing. she glares at him angrily. but then she's surprised to hear:
come to the clean air hearing tomorrow.
power and enterprise. noon.
shouldn't we be heading off, dick?
have you tried the oysters, dick?
no, he's the wrong man --
but -- but you don't want to bother him with this. talk to one of his underlings -- dodge looks at tommy with curiosity, not understanding his reluctance.
here? not here!
but it's the wrong time!
shut up, reinhardt, i'm talking to the chairman. beat it, okay?
you heard about this stomach thing going around?
"there isn't going to be an investigation, old chap."
morning, reinhardt! got a minute? i need your advice on something.
i want to do a little something nice for dodge. that epa thing -- he's been good to me, reinhardt. is there some way i can, like, throw a bouquet to him at the hearing today without having to sit through that boring testimony shit?
he's do that?
good thinking. they return to the corridor. tommy looks at his watch.
say, reinhardt, my grandma's plane comes in at ten. you wouldn't mind picking her up and driving miss daisy around, would you?
no, i don't trust them the way i trust you. tommy pats him on the back and sends him on his way.
this is it, people. game time. let's get it right.
i don't. you run a con, you run a risk.
dick, i thought it might be a nice way to open if i congratulated you on the fine work you been doin' on this committee. really express our appreciation. especially on behalf of the minority community.
wouldn't hurt to have tape like that in the bank, would it, mr. speaker? homer slips in next to reinhardt, who is surprised to see him.
mr. chairman, on behalf of the other members of this committee, and on behalf of myself, i have a very personal statement to make. from the bottom of my heart, i want to thank you -- thank you for your leadership, for your insight, for your boldness.  dodge preens for the cameras, until:
 and for your courage. especially your courage.
your courage in exposing the corruption that eats away at this institution. your courage in taking on the special interests. your courage in taking a major new step --
you're right -- integrity isn't new to you, mr. chairman, it's second nature to you. still it's a rare public servant who'll take on the special interest money, take on the pacs -- andersen, wary, senses danger.
take on the lobbyists and fat cats -- celia is fascinated.
 and who'll stand up instead for ordinary american citizens.
 the plain people who just want peace of mind -- who just want to know they're raising their kids in safe neighborhoods and sending them to safe schools. on the dais dodge wants to wrap this up.
yes, courage, mr. chairman, is a quality that you have in abundance --
ladies and gentlemen, yesterday, the chairman and i had a meeting in his office with olaf andersen of gulf coast power, and his lobbyist, mr. tommy o'connor -- these gentlemen here. chairman dodge and i listened in astonishment as olaf andersen offered us seven figures -- that's one million dollars, ladies and gentlemen.
one million dollars, if we would stop the epa from investigating the connection between power lines and cancer clusters.
isn't that right, mr. andersen? tommy flicks his eyebrows at andersen, provocatively, imitating dodge.
oh, yes, you can. as mr. o'connor said to you, quote: "if that's what you want, we can always find a loophole. no one will know." remember saying that, tommy?
you can't deny it, mr. andersen! we have the whole thing on this tape! the room erupts. the press loves it. still cameras click and whir. dodge despairs. reinhardt puts his hand over his face.
yesterday, at chairman dodge's courageous suggestion, i taped the whole conversation. it's all there. mr. chairman, i thank you. the people thank you. america thanks you.
mr. chairman! you mean to say you did all that stuff? you took all that money? shock in the room. some boos. iowa does a nice hog call. tj sends a little wave and smile to celia.
i owed you one. dodge wheels on tommy, exploding.
you know what? he's right! but let me tell you something -- all that's nothing, compared to what i pulled here in washington.  and this shit's all legit!
adjourned? fine. leave. turn your backs on the whole country. that what you want to do, gentlemen? the members remain in place, paralyzed.
i'm a con man. a small-time con man. do you know what it was like for me to come to congress? it was for like dying and going to heaven. if i did back home the kind of scams i've run in congress, my ass would be in sing sing. but no, i'm not a crook -- up here, i'm a distinguished gentleman!
now don't get me wrong. they're not all bums. but boy, do the rotten fish stink up the barrel. marshall applauds. the man in the next bed joins in.
now tell me, people -- while these guys are buying and selling each other, who's standing up for you?
i'll tell you who. nobody! nobody gets five hundred bucks an hour to lobby for the average joe! there's no shnook pac! there's no national association for ordinary assholes! sure, everyone's against cancer, but "everyone" doesn't have an office on k street! don't you folks get it? we're supposed to be the people's lobbyists. congress is supposed to be america's political action committee.
she's right. throw the bums out -- starting with me! i'm gonna found me a new party. the don't vote for me party. any of y'all want to join up? applause and calls of enthusiasm.
well, come on, then! c'mon, get up, we got work to do! the room erupts, electrified, chanting.
why? i bought it this morning. it's blank. as they continue down the steps, camera cranes up to wide shot of the capitol and the town beyond.