what's a protestor?
you mean those fucks with the signs and pictures of dead babies? shit no. me and silent bob are pro-choice:a woman 5 body is her own fucking business.
we're here to pick up chicks.
we figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. why else would they be there unless they like to fuck.
see?! i told you if we hung around outside that place we'd get laid! thank you!
i'm hard as hell.
do you have a friend for silent bob, or are you going to do us both? if so, i'm first. i hate sloppy seconds.
we used to live in a small town in jersey. real small town. we practically knew everybody.
hollywood.
oh yeah. see, we used to sell smoke in front of this video store. and one day this fuck wants to rent a video. so we did, only we didn't have anyplace to watch it. so we went to the mall and popped it into a vcr at macy's and sat on the floor and watched it. it was called 'sixteen candles'. did you ever see it?
so the next day we rented 'the breakfast club', and then 'weird science' where these two fucks have a chick that'll do anything for them and they don't do nothing because it's a pg movie. but then we got thrown out of macy's when we watched 'pretty in pink', because of this bitch.
you know how at the end the red-headed bitch gets together with her dream guy at the prom?
oh yeah. see, all these movies take place in a town called shermer, in illinois. and there's all this fine bush running around, and we could kick all the dude's asses because they're all whiney pussies. except judd nelson - he was harsh. but best of all, there was no one selling weed. so i says to silent bob "man, we could live phat if we were the blunt-connection in shermer, illinois!" so we collected some cash we were owed, and caught a bus. but when we got here,
fuck that. this berg sucks. everyone talks with a stupid accent so you don't know what they're saying, and it's too fuckin' cold. we were talking about taking off. until we met you, that is.
until you're ready to skip out and make with the sex.
we're leaving tomorrow.
yeah. so do you do anal? is it true that chicks fart if you blast them in the ass?
i'll take head.
what, like steady? you wanna be my girlfriend?
really? you're the only chick i ever met that wanted to go to jersey. most chicks try to get out.
wait a second! what is this shit? are we going fuck or not?
me lead you? lady, i don't even know where i am half the time. if we're not going to fuck then what the hell did you ask me out for?
what the hell are you babbling about? all i know is we saved your ass from some angry fucking dwarfs and you promised us se~.
alright, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off - would you fuck us then?
yeah? you slut. noonch.
alright. but i'll drive.
chicks.
at least not in this car.
you're breaking up with us?
do you think he fell from a plane? like 'alive'? did you ever see that flick?
kill it!! kill it!!
he's the fuckin' undead!! cut his head off!!
mind your own fucking business!
dude, he fell out of thin air!
dude, his dick is gonna be rubbing all over the inside of your armor!
alright - what's with you, lady?! that's the second time you got attacked by the fucking mighty ducks!
see! i told you he was the undead!
no wonder he saw jesus - homey's rockin' the ganj.
walk? do you know how far we are from anywhere?
what's an apostle?
it means they saw you pull that shit out of that dumpster.
hustler?
neither are any of us, but you don't hear us bitching.
bullshit. i've seen pictures of jesus, and he has blonde hair and blue eyes.
i don't buy it.
shit, everyone knows that. tell me something nobody knows.
not all the time!
proving to this bastard that i ain't gay.
it's a free country. the bitch just came to the man with the most.
no offense, baby.
you want an apology?
i'm closing my jacket, so that when we start this up, i don't get your filthy fucking brain guts all over my shirt. you know why?
because you can't get shit stains out of flannel. what i'm saying is that you got shit for brains.
no. no, i don't think you did get it. see, there's gonna he some nine's firing in here, and when the bullets stop flyin', your cunt-lip ass is gonna be all holes and smoke. you think you can draw on me and walk away? fuck that. and fuck you - you punk-ass monkey bitch! yeah, i called you a monkey! maybe if you kiss my dick all nice before i cap you, i'll bring a coconut to your funeral and lay it on your grave; stick a straw through it and stick the other end in the ground. your lips'll reach.
you think every white boy cowers at your ass? shit, if i don't fucking plant you - watermelon - my muscle here will.
what are you waiting for?!
that's just fucking great! do you think i
no gun! what the fuck kind of muscle are you?! all this time and you got no gun!
na , na, na! gon na have a good time!
na. na. na! gonna have a good time!
look! they made me and silent bob part of the gang!
who farted?
so's the rest of him.
now that.  is some powerful shit.
what is that thing?
what?!
cool! can we watch?
fuck you - weak-minded! me and silent bob can talk to him in his own language! see?
nope. just about to smoke a bowl with our new friends. you in?
they just got in at the last stop.
this is larry and barry.
he had the knife at your throat. to gut you, he'd have to have the knife at your stomach.
i'll do it.
fuck you - i can kill an angel as good as the next guy.
i'd give him a van damme neck-break, like in 'hard target'. d'jou see that flick?
i'm with her. i don't care about dying, so long as we're all going to die.
if i was the only one, that'd bother me because every-one else would go on living, having a good time without me. but if we all go at once, that'd be okay, because i know i'm not missing anything.
besides, she said if we were in a situation where we were going to die in like five minutes, she'd have sex with me and silent bob.
because you've got nice tits.
that show's funny as hell.
we might if you'd quit bringing it up.
now who's this mother fucker?
the voice of god? where's the rest of him?
he's brain dead.
here.
it's the guy in charge of the church thing.
maybe you could tell him to shut down the church. if it's closed on that day, those guys can't get blessed or whatever - right?
that ain't no crime. you wanna see a crime? look what we stole from the guy in the dress.
i told him to. you know how much these things are worth? that's at least a couple of sodas and a pack of smokes right there.
hey!
i get it! holy bartender! that's a good one!
what are you - some kind of fucking chicken?!
put on channel nine - 'davey and goliath'!
hey!
silent bob's an instrument of god?!
three towns over - about five miles.
we gonna make it?
holy shit.
see? and people wonder why i don't go to church.
are you shitting me? the brother here is going to shred them with his schwarzenneger special - ain't you, homey?
what if they just kill themselves?
so then what the fuck are we supposed to do?! just wait for a solution to fall out of the sky?!
friend of your's?
i wasn't gonna touch him, i was gonna shoot him!
this guy's drunker than hell.
i'd say we've got about five minutes left to live; the whole world's going to end. you said you'd fuck me.
no - no time for that foreplay stuff, just sex.
what?! it's all over; nobody's gonna beat that thing! now we can either lay here all comatose like that
'make with the love'? i just said that to be sensitive. usually i call it boning.
that guy - the one that they won't take off life support - john doe jersey. this is where he's at.
saint michael's hospital - over there.
look, i ain't got time to win you a prize or something, we gotta get to it before.